ReconciliationThis forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.
I got divorced 2.5 years ago. Was in marriage for just over 3 years. We have a small child. We share custody of our kid.
The reason we separated was mainly financial issues. I didn't work due to an illness. Our sex life was non existing due to that illness. We fought a lot (verbally) and exchanged some heavy words. I am not easily offended by words while she on the other hand is.
She left and we were in touch, talking about reconciliation but she just suddenly served me with divorce papers. Then she turned against me. She said she feels hurt and would never ever be with me again. Literally hates me. Her family hates me too.
It was a shock to me, I loved her so much. So in meantime I got much better and started working. My sexual problems started improving too, the impotance caused by my illness is disappearing.
I was her first. Since she left I didn't have anyone.
She came 2 weeks ago to my house with her family to talk about the child. Her sister said "I have a suggestion for you guys, the best thing would be to reconcile". I said "she has someone" and my ex said "Not true, I have no one".
Later I mentioned to her what her sister suggested and we had a talk. She said she would come back to me without even thinking about it if:
1) I provide proof I am employed for at least 6 months
2) Find us an appartment to rent
3) Keep my promises
Why didn't she say this 1 year ago? For the last 3 months my love towards her has decreased. I still feel something but not the same like first 2 years when I cried nearly every day.
That's not the worst thing, I know her and she has good in her heart so I could full in love again with her, plus we have a child together.
But here is a pill a can't swallow just yet. She told me she did not sleep with anyone since we separated but I don't believe it. It bothers me. I don't want to ask her to prove it somehow because she will say you do not trust me, but also how can I be with her if this is going to bother me?
I want my next marriage to work. I know it takes 2 people for it to work but I wanna make sure I am 100% commited to it.
I have been thinking a lot and the best thing would be to be together again but I don't know how to get over it.
If you ask me how do I know she was sleeping with others, I have no proof but many things point to it.
I'm just confused. It is one thing marrying someone who had partners before me but being with me then be with someone and then again with me is just..IDK....I need help with this one.
PS. My parents reconciled after being 6 years apart (20 years ago) . Dad was an alcoholic and when he quit drinking they got back together.
I'm new to this forum and going through stuff of my own so my advice may not be the best!
Sounds like you've got a shot at reconciling. If it was me I'd go for it.
Everyone has got their boundaries, your's being that you don't like the idea that she MAY have been with someone else. Fair enough. But don't forget you were separated. Did you have any agreements about not dating during separation?
I guess this is a matter of trust. You believe she did, she says she didn't. This needs to be resolved before any reconciliation can happen. If you don't mind me asking, why do you think she did?
Both my wife and I have had relationships since the separation but we were both open about it. It doesn't bother me (though I was a bit surprised about her choice of partner!). If I felt she was trying to hide something it would bother me.
What things does your wife need to work on? It's not just you who has issues.
It seems like she has a list of demands and I don't like that. Posted via Mobile Device
I know what you mean. No one likes demands but I think she is right because she wants to be sure we don't have the same problems again. (unrmployment etc)
But her behaviour doesn't show she is too sincere because she still goes out every day and we don't communicate except for child related issues.
You posted on my thread that you would probably ask your ex to take a polygraph test. While I can appreciate your situation, I am not sure you know what it is like to go through a polygraph test. First of all, I do not believe in polygraph testing. While I have taken one in the past, and was honest, resulting in a pass, when I was a teenager my mother failed a polygraph for employment purposes. She came home in tears. The individual administering her test told her she was lying about her name and the state in which she lived, then called her a liar. Upon being told that she had lied, she defensively begged them to believe her and to test her again. The second test stated she was unreadable. I know my mother’s name. I know where my mother lives. She was not lying. Yet, the lie-detector test said she was. It is a pseudo-science. Why do you think polygraph tests are inadmissible in court. I only took one in the past because my husband gave me an ultimatum. I was to either take the test, or he was divorcing me. I was in extreme fear for the next three weeks, because I knew these tests are not accurate and could ultimately and erroneously state that I was lying. Just because the test stated I was being honest does not mean that these tests are accurate. It only means I had some form of luck that day. The next time I may not be so lucky.
In addition, the entire experience was extremely embarrassing, frightening and traumatic. I sat for two hours while a complete stranger asked me every intimate detail about my marriage, then another two hours while he asked me a myriad of questions as I was hooked up to coils and monitors. I cried through the entire ordeal and vowed to myself and my husband that I would never put myself through anything like this again. Your girlfriend will not be asked just a couple of questions and be on her way. She will be tortured.
I beg of you, do not p0ut her through this. Dig down deep in your soul. Deep in your gut. Then ask yourself if you really believe her or not. If you do not, just let her go. If you do, do not ever bring up the issue again. Whatever decision you make, stick to it.
You posted on my thread that you would probably ask your ex to take a polygraph test. While I can appreciate your situation, I am not sure you know what it is like to go through a polygraph test. First of all, I do not believe in polygraph testing. While I have taken one in the past, and was honest, resulting in a pass, when I was a teenager my mother failed a polygraph for employment purposes. She came home in tears. The individual administering her test told her she was lying about her name and the state in which she lived, then called her a liar. Upon being told that she had lied, she defensively begged them to believe her and to test her again. The second test stated she was unreadable. I know my mother’s name. I know where my mother lives. She was not lying. Yet, the lie-detector test said she was. It is a pseudo-science. Why do you think polygraph tests are inadmissible in court. I only took one in the past because my husband gave me an ultimatum. I was to either take the test, or he was divorcing me. I was in extreme fear for the next three weeks, because I knew these tests are not accurate and could ultimately and erroneously state that I was lying. Just because the test stated I was being honest does not mean that these tests are accurate. It only means I had some form of luck that day. The next time I may not be so lucky.
In addition, the entire experience was extremely embarrassing, frightening and traumatic. I sat for two hours while a complete stranger asked me every intimate detail about my marriage, then another two hours while he asked me a myriad of questions as I was hooked up to coils and monitors. I cried through the entire ordeal and vowed to myself and my husband that I would never put myself through anything like this again. Your girlfriend will not be asked just a couple of questions and be on her way. She will be tortured.
I beg of you, do not p0ut her through this. Dig down deep in your soul. Deep in your gut. Then ask yourself if you really believe her or not. If you do not, just let her go. If you do, do not ever bring up the issue again. Whatever decision you make, stick to it.
No sweety, you misunderstood me, I said I wouldn't ask her for polygraph because it is humiliating. But even if I asked she wouldn't do it anyway. I need to find a way to trust her, but I don't know how.
No sweety, you misunderstood me, I said I wouldn't ask her for polygraph because it is humiliating. But even if I asked she wouldn't do it anyway. I need to find a way to trust her, but I don't know how.
Perhaps you could make a list of things that you need in order for this to work as well? One of those things could be transparency. Since neither of you know what the other person was up to while separated, you'd both share your passwords and leave your phones open. Hopefully it would give a bit of comfort that neither of you is maintaining connections with previous partners. In order for this to work you would need to be just as transparent, so keep that in mind.
I apologize if I jumped to conclusions regarding your intentions in your relationship. I guess I am so sensitive to this subject, because I am so hurt over going through it in the past and am facing the possibility of going through it again.
I guess you will have to ask yourself if it really matters if she was with anyone else during the 2.5 years you were apart. If she has been, what could she really do to change it? You would probably need to ask yourself if you can trust that she will be faithful when you are together. What matters to you?
You were divorced. Therefore you should have no expectation that she should have refrained from other relationships with the opposite sex. However, if you had separated whilst married it would, could be cnsidered a reasonable expectation.
What you should be concentrating on in your reconciliation is the reason why you broke up in the first place.
She said No! Accept it. If she is lying you will find out eventually, probably through friends or a slip up in conversation, particularly after alcohol.
Perhaps you could make a list of things that you need in order for this to work as well? One of those things could be transparency. Since neither of you know what the other person was up to while separated, you'd both share your passwords and leave your phones open. Hopefully it would give a bit of comfort that neither of you is maintaining connections with previous partners. In order for this to work you would need to be just as transparent, so keep that in mind.
The problem is she seems not to care about me. I believe she would come back 1) To be with the child and not to have him 1 week on/off and 2) Other relationships failed so far or in other words didn't meet someone that she is willing to commit to.
You were divorced. Therefore you should have no expectation that she should have refrained from other relationships with the opposite sex. However, if you had separated whilst married it would, could be cnsidered a reasonable expectation.
Fair enough. But I want to know.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lazarus
What you should be concentrating on in your reconciliation is the reason why you broke up in the first place.
I offered counseling so we can re-enter our marriage better and stronger but she refused
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lazarus
If she is lying you will find out eventually, probably through friends or a slip up in conversation, particularly after alcohol.
If she doesn't care, why do you want someone who doesn't want you?
If she wants you, she has to show she cares about what matters to you if looking forward to a successful reconcilition and for you that means the whole truth. No lies. It's the lies that are the most hurful part.
You may need to cool it because maybe both of you are not ready, yet.
Do you really want to be with someone, if the only reason you can think of that would make them want to come back is for the child?
I mean, don't people generally say that staying together for the children does not work?
If you only reconcile for the sake of the child, without love in your hearts, then you may only grow to resent one another, thus harming the child as a result of him/her witnessing the two of you being unkind to one another in some way.
As far as trust goes, it is a choice. As you already know I have the same issue your wife does. My husband and I were separated for 10 months, and he wants a polygraph test. He and you do not realize that trust is a choice. My husband was dating at least four different women that I know of while we were separated, and says he did not sleep with any of them. I chose to trust him, as I know that he would never cheat on me while we were together. I had to ask myself if I really mattered whether or not he had. I told myself that I did not. If he did sleep with someone, I know that it would have to have been out of loneliness, because I do know that he loves me and would never want to go out of his way to hurt me. I chose to believe that it did not matter what he did, so long as whatever he did while we were separated resulted in his loving and appreciating me, unlike before the separation. If he has been with someone else, I have to deal with it. I told him when I left that we were getting divorced and that there was no chance for reconciliation. I told him there was no hope. I told him I was never coming back. Does it really matter in the long run. Not to me. I know that my husband would never cheat on me while we are together. We were separated with the idea that there was no chance for reconciliation. I left the door open for him to do whatever he wanted.
Maybe she has been with someone else. Maybe she hasn't. You may never know. In the case of my husband's being unsure of my actions while we were separated, like you, he has to decide whether or not he trusts me and believes me. If so, he needs to allow us to move on with our lives and be happy in love. If not, he needs to decide whether or not he can live with not knowing. If not, he needs to let me go, as I cannot live my life in that situation. Your wife will not be able to either. Maybe you should just assume and accept that she has slept with someone else, and that you know she has. Then find a way to move past what has happened. I mean, what more can you do? In my case, I almost wish I had slept with someone else. Then I could just tell my husband I had and be done with the whole ordeal. Or, if I had slept with someone else, maybe I would have been able to get over my husband and move forward toward being an indepent person, rather than codependent.
I really can only give you some insight into what your wife may be going through. Although, my husband and I were only separated for about 10 months. We only had time to go through our first holidays apart. In your case, 2.5 years had gone by and neither of you really considered the idea of reconciling. I mean, what was really keeping either of you from moving on? In my case, wounds will still fresh after 10-months. I also must say that I did wish that I had been able to date the time. All I wanted was to get over my pain and heartache. However, the one date I did agree to, I stood up. Then, sent a sorry text the next day and never spoke to him again. I was telling myself and everyone around me that I was divorcing my husband and moving on, but in 10 months had made no moves toward independence.
All you can do is ask yourself if you can live with it, and forgive her for what she may or may not have done while you were separated.
Possible reconciliation 
