How long were you apart before reconciling? - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #76 of 127 (permalink) Old 03-16-2012, 08:46 PM
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Re: How long were you apart before reconciling?

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I wish you the best. Your last paragraph really hits close.
Thank you, Jayb. I couldn't have done it without the loving support of my dearest friends, and praying and forcing myself to see everything from another perspective. It was so easy to cry and feel sorry for myself and blame my husband for everything and be bitter, but the harder thing to do was to see that all this mess meant something was not right with both of us.

It was, for me, a time of painful self-examination and very slow but steady growth.

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post #77 of 127 (permalink) Old 03-19-2012, 03:27 PM
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Re: How long were you apart before reconciling?

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It is going to be bumpy. Those first few months together will have you questioning sometimes if it was the right thing to do, to reconcile. But keep on. It's a matter of maintaing that delicate balance of the elements of love--honesty, tact, confidence, humility, spending time with each other, giving time for yourself.

Know when to speak to your spouse about something, and know when to leave well alone until heads are cool. Always put the marriage first and operate from a place of confidence and faith--not from fear and doubt.
Thank you so much for saying this, i really needed to hear this from someone who has gone thru the same situation and made it to the end victoriously.

Chocolate, you're an inspiration and i hope your marriage will continue to prosper with much love and stronger bond. xoxo
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post #78 of 127 (permalink) Old 03-20-2012, 04:27 AM
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Re: How long were you apart before reconciling?

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Thank you so much for saying this, i really needed to hear this from someone who has gone thru the same situation and made it to the end victoriously.

Chocolate, you're an inspiration and i hope your marriage will continue to prosper with much love and stronger bond. xoxo
You're welcome, DownUnder. You know what? We are, each of us, a work in progress as long as we are alive. Growth and learning must never stop. To this day, my husband and I still have frustrations about each other. We still get annoyed with each other. We still argue. And now that we are running a fledgling business together, another dimension has been added to the relationship that wasn't there before. So that's more things to disagree about.

BUT. There's a difference now. Almost a year into our reconciliation, we bounce back from every argument knowing that we deeply love each other, and that divorce is not an option. We don't always say it. We just know it in our hearts. And we don't fight about the past anymore, about his EAs and PAs. That's not fair. If you gave the marriage a chance, you should consciously keep moving forward with forgiveness--for both your sakes. I know it's not easy, but it can be done.

Couples that have reconciled do not have a challenge-free marriage, although it may look like it from the outside. We're just people who've learned to keep our hearts wide open. Life is full of challenges every single day. (By the way, I stopped using the word "problem" last year. I didn't like the way it weighed me down whenever I thought of it and said it. In its place, I now use the word "challenge." It's a lot more positive and always reminds me that we can overcome.)

And speaking of overcome, I had to get through a TON of trust issues with our marriage. He had EAs, PAs. I didn't think I could trust him ever again. But here we are. And something really feels different about us now. I feel like I am genuinely in love with him as a person, and not just the idea of him as a husband. I always wondered why I rarely laughed a real belly laugh during our marriage, the laugh that just has you shaking from the depths with the release of good emotions. I realized that it was because I had an undercurrent of unhappiness within me: I was unhappy first with myself, and I was also unhappy with him. I felt like he was cheating on me, and it turns out I was right. Yet I let it go on. I didn't stand up for myself until I just exploded with hurt and anger and kicked him out.

These days I have the most amazing belly laughs when we are together. It feels so good. I told him this last week, said that our relationship felt lighter, that I couldn't quite figure out what it was, but that something that was previously burdening the marriage had gone away. I was pleasantly surprised by his answer: "The lies. The lies and the dark secrets that I kept from you are all gone. I thank God that we are back together. I cannot imagine a life without you."

Again, DownUnder, thank you for the well wishes. I pray for the healing of your marriage and all the other people that are hurting as well. You guys are in my thoughts.

Much love.
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post #79 of 127 (permalink) Old 03-20-2012, 05:51 AM
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Re: How long were you apart before reconciling?

This thread gives me a glimmer of hope that things will work out for my H and I.
Good luck to you all
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post #80 of 127 (permalink) Old 03-20-2012, 08:07 AM
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Re: How long were you apart before reconciling?

Great story Chocolategeek. I feel my wife and I could build the same way you and your significant other have, unfortunately it does not look like she will start to see the positive in anything any time soon, if ever.
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post #81 of 127 (permalink) Old 03-20-2012, 08:16 AM
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Re: How long were you apart before reconciling?

Can I ask you all. Did you have days when you really thought that there was no hope of a R? That things had got so bad that you almost gave up?
I found out today that my H has stopped wearing his wedding ring to work (the ow is a co worker). He wears it when he comes to my house! This has really hit me hard today!
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post #82 of 127 (permalink) Old 03-20-2012, 08:58 AM
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Re: How long were you apart before reconciling?

I think about no hope of R everyday. After my W last week, told me in front of MC. She's not ready at this time. So, it may be a long while, if ever. That admission, knocked me back a bit in my plans, because I was actively reading divorce remedy.

I look at my wedding ring a lot and wish I could wear it and it mean something.

We both stopped wearing the rings after separating. Funny thing is, I have no idea where her wedding ring is at the house. I know where all the jewelry is.

But, like others here, I have to make a better/new me and let go, let it go, and hope and pray--patience. As I write that, I am sad.
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post #83 of 127 (permalink) Old 03-20-2012, 09:05 AM
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Re: How long were you apart before reconciling?

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Great story Chocolategeek. I feel my wife and I could build the same way you and your significant other have, unfortunately it does not look like she will start to see the positive in anything any time soon, if ever.
I feel for you, testing. That is how it was for me for a good year. My husband even told me that he saw me as a sister to him. Felt like a gut-punch. Wow. So I let go even more. But I had already prayed for R. I had just really learned to let go.
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post #84 of 127 (permalink) Old 03-20-2012, 11:40 AM
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Re: How long were you apart before reconciling?

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Can I ask you all. Did you have days when you really thought that there was no hope of a R? That things had got so bad that you almost gave up?
I found out today that my H has stopped wearing his wedding ring to work (the ow is a co worker). He wears it when he comes to my house! This has really hit me hard today!
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Yes, daisygirl. In the 1 1/2 years that we were apart there were many, many days that felt hopeless. I gave up lots of times. But I just kept bouncing back in my life, because I knew that those were just feelings of despair that would eventually lift. I became confident not about us reconciling, but of me finding true love. In fact, I even wrote it in big beautiful words on a piece of paper: "True love has found me."

My husband saw the paper and became red in the face. "So true love has found you," he said. I snatched the paper away from him and said that I was just using the Law of Attraction. Little did I know that he would really be the true love that would find me (again) in the end.

Pray for R, daisygirl, then let it go. Live your life. Love yourself. Build a life of your own without him. That sounds very difficult and it is, because you love your husband, but knowing that he takes off his wedding ring to work with the OW there...oh, man. Leave him be. Please focus on yourself, hon. I forced myself to do that.
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post #85 of 127 (permalink) Old 03-20-2012, 12:01 PM
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Re: How long were you apart before reconciling?

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I think about no hope of R everyday. After my W last week, told me in front of MC. She's not ready at this time. So, it may be a long while, if ever. That admission, knocked me back a bit in my plans, because I was actively reading divorce remedy.

I look at my wedding ring a lot and wish I could wear it and it mean something.

We both stopped wearing the rings after separating. Funny thing is, I have no idea where her wedding ring is at the house. I know where all the jewelry is.

But, like others here, I have to make a better/new me and let go, let it go, and hope and pray--patience. As I write that, I am sad.
I know how sad you are, Jayb. I understand the loneliness, the seemingly long road ahead. But please look at this as something that might be for both your benefit. There is a reason for everything. And this, perhaps, is the time that is for your growth and learning APART, as individuals.

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post #86 of 127 (permalink) Old 03-20-2012, 02:53 PM
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Re: How long were you apart before reconciling?

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I feel for you, testing. That is how it was for me for a good year. My husband even told me that he saw me as a sister to him. Felt like a gut-punch. Wow. So I let go even more. But I had already prayed for R. I had just really learned to let go.
Chocolate this is exactly what my husband said to me last year...it crushed me so badly.

He has now moved back home (has been 3 weeks since he came home) and yet each week in our MC he said he has not found that connection with me yet and that he still doesn't know if he loves me....each time i hear him say that it breaks my heart, again and again.

I waited one whole year for him to come home and now that he finally did come home a few weeks ago and the battle is still continuting and even more harder it seems.

Yesterday was a really bad day....im soo close to giving up hope in this reconcilliation, eventho he came home i still feel so hopeless and lonely as he still withdrew emotionally and sometimes even physically.... i cry almost everyday

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post #87 of 127 (permalink) Old 03-20-2012, 03:30 PM
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Yes, daisygirl. In the 1 1/2 years that we were apart there were many, many days that felt hopeless. I gave up lots of times. But I just kept bouncing back in my life, because I knew that those were just feelings of despair that would eventually lift. I became confident not about us reconciling, but of me finding true love. In fact, I even wrote it in big beautiful words on a piece of paper: "True love has found me."

My husband saw the paper and became red in the face. "So true love has found you," he said. I snatched the paper away from him and said that I was just using the Law of Attraction. Little did I know that he would really be the true love that would find me (again) in the end.

Pray for R, daisygirl, then let it go. Live your life. Love yourself. Build a life of your own without him. That sounds very difficult and it is, because you love your husband, but knowing that he takes off his wedding ring to work with the OW there...oh, man. Leave him be. Please focus on yourself, hon. I forced myself to do that.
I love everything you just said here from the note to praying for reconciliation and then just letting God do his work and try and live my life.


I love your wisdom and advice.
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post #88 of 127 (permalink) Old 03-20-2012, 04:42 PM
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Re: How long were you apart before reconciling?

I posted this on another thread thinking this was the one I was in.

What made the WAS decide to reconcile? What sparked the change of heart?
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post #89 of 127 (permalink) Old 03-21-2012, 12:19 PM
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Re: How long were you apart before reconciling?

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I posted this on another thread thinking this was the one I was in.

What made the WAS decide to reconcile? What sparked the change of heart?
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I'm curious as well. And, also, how, the other spouse recognized it and accepted it.
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post #90 of 127 (permalink) Old 03-21-2012, 03:01 PM
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Re: How long were you apart before reconciling?

I believe there are a # of factors that contribute to 1 spouse wanting to come back.

1. changing youself. They grew tired of what you were, and they are scared that they will go back to the same routine. You have to change yoursef, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

2. They have to see what it will be like without you in their life. You have to be willing to let them see it. This is where the 180 comes in, and has to be followed. Once you start it, you must commit, and not be willing to care about anything they have going on in their lives (its hard with kids, but you get the jist) 1 of the best things I ever did, was take my son away for 3 days 2 weekends in row, and she was left with NOTHING TO DO, BUT THINK! 1 weekend we went racing outta town, and the next weekend we went hunting outta town. I made sure that that weekend was all about me and my kid. We had an absolute blast! It was his first time being with all the guys, and to this day hasn't stopped talking about it. My wife was going nuts, she told me it was the loneliest she has ever been in her life! That was the spark that started the fire, and got her thinking what it was going to be like.

3. SPACE! Nagging, pleading, begging, pushyness is a big fat unattractive quality, that noone likes!



as for knowing when they changed. I can tell you in my case it wasn't 1 thing. It was a # of different things, over a period of time. And quite frankly I needed it to continue before I was ready to reconcile. My W, started texting me about dumb things, started calling me about dumb things. Wrote me a letter telling me how sorry she was, and how stupid she was. She started making sure I knew where she was at all times. She started including me in her plans (this part really threw me for a loop). She wanted to be with me and our son, when we went to games, shopping, what ever. All these little things, let me know she was reengaged. don't settle for 1 little hint. Make her commit, just like she did you, follow the 180.
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