Chocolate this is exactly what my husband said to me last year...it crushed me so badly.
He has now moved back home (has been 3 weeks since he came home) and yet each week in our MC he said he has not found that connection with me yet and that he still doesn't know if he loves me....each time i hear him say that it breaks my heart, again and again.
I waited one whole year for him to come home and now that he finally did come home a few weeks ago and the battle is still continuting and even more harder it seems.
Yesterday was a really bad day....im soo close to giving up hope in this reconcilliation, eventho he came home i still feel so hopeless and lonely as he still withdrew emotionally and sometimes even physically.... i cry almost everyday
I feel your pain, DownUnder. There are actually many different types of R. At one end, there are those that feel super easy, where everything just flows, and on the other end of the spectrum, there are those that are just terribly hard and taxing. I'm not saying that your R won't be successful. Not at all. It just means that with those who have a very rocky start with R, there are still a good many issues to sort through.
Please don't give up. What were the events surrounding his coming back home? Was it of his own free will? The most important thing for you to do now is to FORCE yourself to create new experiences. You have to literally wrench yourself from that place of pain and go outside of it. I know how bad it can be. But don't you get kind of a muscle ache in the brain when you've been depressed for quite some time? It saps your energy. That's your signal to force yourself to move forward with life.
How do you create new experiences for yourself? Ever had old hobbies (you can even think back to your childhood) that you've always wanted to pursue but kept postponing? Ever had dreams you wanted to achieve but you just kept putting them on the bottom of your priorities because there were more "important" things to do? This is the time to do them. As in now. Go out there and chase the stars. Explore the world. At least, that was what I did. It was partly to distract me from the pain, but mostly to propel me forward in my growth. I was getting so sick of crying and being sad and asking why, why, why my husband didn't seem to love me anymore.
Renew your zest for life. Remember when we were children, when we had such a joy for living? When everything seemed so magical? You must get this vibe back for YOURSELF. See, DownUnder, we all have to have a life outside of our role of being a spouse. Not a secret, other life. A life that is brimming with joy and love and kindness, a life that others can't help but want to be a part of. This is actually what makes truly happy people so attractive. When we come across a person that is happy within, we're so drawn to them like moths to a flame. They radiate a light from within.
I'm not talking about people that fake happiness--those that are full of insecurities and hang on to all sorts of issues within and try so hard to appear happy from the outside. These people look cheerful, they joke a lot (notice they make jabs and insult other people mostly), they laugh a lot, but in the end their unhappiness with themselves seeps through the cracks. This is when they whine and complain endlessly, they wallow in self-pity, and act as if the whole universe revolves around them. These people make us squirm and want to run away, never to return. These people, instead of attracting others with their light, REPEL people with their toxic spewing. Maybe, at one time or another, with our life experiences, we went through a stage where we became like this. But we don't want to stay there and become stagnant. We want to keep moving forward.
When your husband sees you having your own life outside of the confines of your marriage, when he feels that you have changed from the inside, this will naturally draw him to you. But like I said, you can't and shouldn't try to fake it. You must work on yourself, which at first takes painful self-examination to see where you contributed to the degradation of the marriage. Once you accept that, you can then begin to change it and in the process change yourself for the better.