How long were you apart before reconciling? - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #91 of 127 (permalink) Old 03-21-2012, 03:24 PM
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Re: How long were you apart before reconciling?

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Originally Posted by Wildflower3 View Post
I posted this on another thread thinking this was the one I was in.

What made the WAS decide to reconcile? What sparked the change of heart?
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I wish i can tell you a definete answer to this but i can't...at best i could hazzard a guess but i know that the children plays a big part why he wants to give us another shot.

I can tell you that reconcilliation involved a lot of patience, hard work and strong determination.

Initially i thought 'if only my husband would come home then we can work thru our issues together and we'll be alright' but that is so far from the truth....yes he has made a decision to come home but we are still going thru a very difficult phase of re-building and re-connecting which is full of uncertainty and doubts. Im still going thru a roller coaster of emotions everyday and taking it one day at a time.

I will come back and let you know the answer to this question when we get to a stage where we are stable and stronger.

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post #92 of 127 (permalink) Old 03-22-2012, 11:19 PM
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Re: How long were you apart before reconciling?

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Chocolate this is exactly what my husband said to me last year...it crushed me so badly.

He has now moved back home (has been 3 weeks since he came home) and yet each week in our MC he said he has not found that connection with me yet and that he still doesn't know if he loves me....each time i hear him say that it breaks my heart, again and again.

I waited one whole year for him to come home and now that he finally did come home a few weeks ago and the battle is still continuting and even more harder it seems.

Yesterday was a really bad day....im soo close to giving up hope in this reconcilliation, eventho he came home i still feel so hopeless and lonely as he still withdrew emotionally and sometimes even physically.... i cry almost everyday
I feel your pain, DownUnder. There are actually many different types of R. At one end, there are those that feel super easy, where everything just flows, and on the other end of the spectrum, there are those that are just terribly hard and taxing. I'm not saying that your R won't be successful. Not at all. It just means that with those who have a very rocky start with R, there are still a good many issues to sort through.

Please don't give up. What were the events surrounding his coming back home? Was it of his own free will? The most important thing for you to do now is to FORCE yourself to create new experiences. You have to literally wrench yourself from that place of pain and go outside of it. I know how bad it can be. But don't you get kind of a muscle ache in the brain when you've been depressed for quite some time? It saps your energy. That's your signal to force yourself to move forward with life.

How do you create new experiences for yourself? Ever had old hobbies (you can even think back to your childhood) that you've always wanted to pursue but kept postponing? Ever had dreams you wanted to achieve but you just kept putting them on the bottom of your priorities because there were more "important" things to do? This is the time to do them. As in now. Go out there and chase the stars. Explore the world. At least, that was what I did. It was partly to distract me from the pain, but mostly to propel me forward in my growth. I was getting so sick of crying and being sad and asking why, why, why my husband didn't seem to love me anymore.

Renew your zest for life. Remember when we were children, when we had such a joy for living? When everything seemed so magical? You must get this vibe back for YOURSELF. See, DownUnder, we all have to have a life outside of our role of being a spouse. Not a secret, other life. A life that is brimming with joy and love and kindness, a life that others can't help but want to be a part of. This is actually what makes truly happy people so attractive. When we come across a person that is happy within, we're so drawn to them like moths to a flame. They radiate a light from within.

I'm not talking about people that fake happiness--those that are full of insecurities and hang on to all sorts of issues within and try so hard to appear happy from the outside. These people look cheerful, they joke a lot (notice they make jabs and insult other people mostly), they laugh a lot, but in the end their unhappiness with themselves seeps through the cracks. This is when they whine and complain endlessly, they wallow in self-pity, and act as if the whole universe revolves around them. These people make us squirm and want to run away, never to return. These people, instead of attracting others with their light, REPEL people with their toxic spewing. Maybe, at one time or another, with our life experiences, we went through a stage where we became like this. But we don't want to stay there and become stagnant. We want to keep moving forward.

When your husband sees you having your own life outside of the confines of your marriage, when he feels that you have changed from the inside, this will naturally draw him to you. But like I said, you can't and shouldn't try to fake it. You must work on yourself, which at first takes painful self-examination to see where you contributed to the degradation of the marriage. Once you accept that, you can then begin to change it and in the process change yourself for the better.
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post #93 of 127 (permalink) Old 03-23-2012, 12:02 AM
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[QUOTE=DownUnder;638172] oh **** im in the exact same situation
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post #94 of 127 (permalink) Old 03-23-2012, 06:40 AM
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Re: How long were you apart before reconciling?

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Originally Posted by sadwithouthim View Post
I love everything you just said here from the note to praying for reconciliation and then just letting God do his work and try and live my life.


I love your wisdom and advice.
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Thanks, hon. Those 1 1/2 years were very turbulent for me, but they were also when I saw how strong I was, because God was working through me. I had to mother myself (be kind and patient to myself), father myself (stand up for myself and defend my dignity when my husband betrayed me with his affairs), be my own best friend (I had one very close friend who stood by me through everything but there were times I really didn't want to be bothering her with my marriage problems).

Separation and divorce are incredibly difficult, a lot of the time there are no words for the pain. But eventually, we have to stop grasping and grabbing and hurting ourselves in the process. Let go and let God.
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post #95 of 127 (permalink) Old 03-29-2012, 08:15 AM
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Originally Posted by 3leafclover View Post
1) How long were you apart before reconciling?

8 months separated. Reconciled for a little over 4 months.

2) Is the reconciliation a success or still working on it?

Successful so far, but yes, still working on it.

3) What triggered reconciliation?

I started dating somebody else. She swears up and down this had nothing to do with her timing, but come on...
And although we've been reconciled for 4 months, I continued casually dating the guy for a month after she and I started "dating" again. Each knew about the other. I was suspicious of the timing and hesitant at first. Who wants to think their partner wants them back only because someone else is showing interest? It took me awhile to decide what I wanted to do because I was just finally starting to heal from the separation and afraid of having to start over at square 1 if it didn't work out again.
Thanks for telling your story. I wish you the best in reconciliation.
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post #96 of 127 (permalink) Old 03-29-2012, 03:54 PM
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Re: How long were you apart before reconciling?

we were apart about 4 months. husband went dark, nc, and did 180.

reconciling is always a work in progress. over 10 years later and we had yet another break through.

i cant say what triggered us getting back together. i think it just felt right. i was ready to talk, and i had been working on me.

we were just talking about this recently, and i asked him if we got back together for the "marriage"....he said maybe, not sure....

to this day we both still fight for our relationship. we both still want the same result.

yami ni madoishi awarena kage yo
hito o kizutsuke otoshimete
ts umi ni oboreshi go no tama
i ppen shinde miru?
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post #97 of 127 (permalink) Old 03-30-2012, 06:21 PM
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I think about no hope of R everyday. After my W last week, told me in front of MC. She's not ready at this time. So, it may be a long while, if ever. That admission, knocked me back a bit in my plans, because I was actively reading divorce remedy.

I look at my wedding ring a lot and wish I could wear it and it mean something.

We both stopped wearing the rings after separating. Funny thing is, I have no idea where her wedding ring is at the house. I know where all the jewelry is.

But, like others here, I have to make a better/new me and let go, let it go, and hope and pray--patience. As I write that, I am sad.
Jay.....the patience is hard isn't it? I'm loosing it a bit this evening. My husband still wears his ring and has not told a sole in 14 months that we are separated. He still has not filed even though he told me he wants to divorce. I keep waiting for it but it doesn't come. I don't want divorced but I'm lost and lonely so i just try to hold on to patience and work on rebuilding myself.
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post #98 of 127 (permalink) Old 03-31-2012, 01:59 PM
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Re: How long were you apart before reconciling?

To the original question:
Emotionally - 1 year
Physicaly - 4 months
Hubby has moved home and it's wonderful. He's back. We are so happy
X
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post #99 of 127 (permalink) Old 03-31-2012, 03:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by daisygirl 41 View Post
To the original question:
Emotionally - 1 year
Physicaly - 4 months
Hubby has moved home and it's wonderful. He's back. We are so happy
X
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Wow....I'm so happy for you Daisy girl. I will keep praying for your happiness in your marriage.

I had to come back and edit as I'm in tears for your sudden start to R. I read back through your supportive post on my thread when I was hurting. I hope you will continue to pray for me in your prayers too.

I wish you so much luck in the days, weeks and months to come.
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Last edited by sadwithouthim; 03-31-2012 at 03:22 PM.
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post #100 of 127 (permalink) Old 03-31-2012, 04:59 PM
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Re: How long were you apart before reconciling?

Sad
Thankyou for you prayers and thoughts. Yes I continue to pray for you all and hope that you all find peace in your hearts wether that is through reconciliation or moving forward.
I have truly been blessed with my H returning and we both want to move forward in a marriage that is stronger and happier than before.
X
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post #101 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-01-2012, 10:33 PM
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Re: How long were you apart before reconciling?

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Sad
Thankyou for you prayers and thoughts. Yes I continue to pray for you all and hope that you all find peace in your hearts wether that is through reconciliation or moving forward.
I have truly been blessed with my H returning and we both want to move forward in a marriage that is stronger and happier than before.
X
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I will pray for you too!

Awesome!
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post #102 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-02-2012, 04:52 AM
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Re: How long were you apart before reconciling?

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Jay.....the patience is hard isn't it? I'm loosing it a bit this evening. My husband still wears his ring and has not told a sole in 14 months that we are separated. He still has not filed even though he told me he wants to divorce. I keep waiting for it but it doesn't come. I don't want divorced but I'm lost and lonely so i just try to hold on to patience and work on rebuilding myself.
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He's probably still confused about everything. That's good, Sad, keep working on yourself--loving yourself unconditionally and at the same time becoming conscious of making better choices everyday, in every way.
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post #103 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-02-2012, 04:54 AM
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Re: How long were you apart before reconciling?

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Originally Posted by daisygirl 41 View Post
Sad
Thankyou for you prayers and thoughts. Yes I continue to pray for you all and hope that you all find peace in your hearts wether that is through reconciliation or moving forward.
I have truly been blessed with my H returning and we both want to move forward in a marriage that is stronger and happier than before.
X
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I'm happy for you, daisygirl! Will pray for the repair and complete restoration of your marriage. Hang in there, it won't be easy! But your love for each other will pull you through.
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post #104 of 127 (permalink) Old 04-13-2012, 10:14 AM
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Re: How long were you apart before reconciling?

separated for almost 2 years (from longterm relationship).

we have our moments during talks where we think we are ready (even though we don't talk about it; his man pride won't let him-i kicked him out); but we both realize we are not ready. to an extent, i think we both want it (he has specifically told me he does not want me to leave him alone etc.) but we have not talked about unresolved issues; so it makes it difficult to determine.

still around each other (we e-mail, text, talk and check in on occassion-more than just hey how are you doing; we get the updates etc.); i'm not sure what that means

for full disclosure: I'm not married (never have been), we were in a long term relationship that ended rather abruptley. He lives around the corner with the OW; and I often feel like the OW now, but it sounds like he has grown alot and feels better about himself, and he is still talking to me about our feelings etc. I think we would have ALOT to work on before reconciliation; although I would let him come back home to work it out.
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post #105 of 127 (permalink) Old 05-20-2012, 02:11 AM
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Re: How long were you apart before reconciling?

I know this thread isn't very active but I'm so happy for those who have reconciled. I wish that I could post here a happy story of my own soon. It's been a while since H left again, but instead of counting how long it has been, I look forward and thank that each day is one day closer to that grand reconciliation.

I know this is just a TEMPORARY setback for us.
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