Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

How long were you apart before reconciling?

293K views 126 replies 77 participants last post by  MattMatt 
#1 ·
1) How long were you apart before reconciling?

2) Is the reconciliation a success or still working on it?

3) What triggered reconciliation?
 
#41 ·
Every marriage takes work! He won't find one that doesn't, so if he plans to stay single for the rest of his life, he will succeed. He is kidding himself. Work has its rewards and difficulties, marriage is no different.
 
#4 ·
It has been one month and a few days for my husband and I and its killing me. I'm ready to reconcile but he is.unfortunately not at the moment. I'm doing my best to give him space but its hard. So, well see.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#5 ·
Suzy,
You may think you are ready to reconcile, but are you sure? I'm no expert but I don't think a month is long enough. True, honest changes take a while to become habit and if you move too quickly there is a good chance that you both will revert back to the old behaviors that caused the separation to begin with.

In answer to the original question, my H & I have been separated almost 3 months and we have not discussed reconciliation, but we also have not discussed divorce.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
  • Like
Reactions: broken@13
#6 ·
Well, looks like we weren't ready. Divorce is just around the corner for me. I hope the separation works for all of you. It certainly did not for us. My husband found a new freedom with no problems and he ran with it. And I just have to live with it. Like Jellybeans says in another post, I dont regret giving every inch of my soul, in trying to fix our marriage, I wish he would have tried, but oh well. I just hope the hurt goes away soon!!! It's suffocating.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#15 ·
I agree with DelinquentGirl.

Initially my husband also found incredible freedom when we separated and he was out all the time, and the freedom was wonderful he said. He also said he didn't realise how much stress he was always under in our marriage. So, all that stress went away when we separated, and he decided on getting a divorce.

Now that I haven't been in his picture for 8 weeks at all, his stress has come back, and this time with a vengeance.

People put the responsibility of the stress on the other person (spouse), but really it's just them at the end of the day. I guess its human nature really to always blame someone else for feeling the way they do. Hell, I'm guilty of that as well (and working hard to get rid of that mentality!)

I've come to realise it all comes back - just in a different form unless we choose to deal with ourselves and take full responsibility of ourselves.
 
#7 ·
It will go away, it will just take time. I know your probably sick of hearing that, but it's true.

Also, there is no such thing as a life without problems. Your H may be feeling like he is living this exciting, free life but he will come crashing down, mark my words. You can't be married as long as you 2 have without feeling some sort of pain. He is in a fog right now, and once that fog lifts and reality sinks in, he'll be a hurting individual.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#9 ·
It could be that when the reconciliation happens, most people stop posting to sites like this. I would guess that most people come here looking for advice, insight, or a means to vent about their situation.

I'm hoping to work on the reconciliation, so it would be nice to hear some success stories. I just don't know how many we'll hear.
 
#10 ·
Sadsuzy, I fought so hard for my marriage too...never in m wildest dreams did I ever think I would wake u one day and not have my husband by my side. Its painful and it hurts, but its the cards we need to work with. My ex also didnt try not one bit....he was so checked out and walked out one day and I had no clue it was on his mind for yrs!!!! I felt like i was fighting against a brick wall...nothign i said would change his mind....so I had to let him go. It took him weeks to become a full on bachelor again and go back to being 21.
 
#12 ·
I have been fighting for my marriage now for over a year. Physically separated now for 4 months from my home and children. I am pouring everything I can into saving my marriage. You get one chance at this life, one chance at having a happy family and I am hell-bent on reversing this living nightmare back to what was once the happiest point in our lives together. I just feel sometimes as if I am the only one fighting for our lives together. Does anyone have any advise to getting your wife on board to at-least give some effort. We were once best friends, laughed and lived life to the fullest. It is like living a nightmare now with the isolation I feel from her now. This by far is the most patience challenging moment in my entire life. I keep thinking that she will eventually realize that life is such a fragile journey we take together and that we both need to look at this moment together to learn and grow from to what will eventually be a very happy ending which will be keeping our family together and thriving on life together not apart.
 
#17 ·
I have been fighting for my marriage now for over a year. Physically separated now for 4 months from my home and children. I am pouring everything I can into saving my marriage. You get one chance at this life, one chance at having a happy family and I am hell-bent on reversing this living nightmare back to what was once the happiest point in our lives together.
Sorry, have to disagree, I have had it twice, the next time, if there is a next time, will be the last one :)
 
#13 ·
No, just because there is reconcilliation does not mean the work is done and all is bliss.
My 'wife' and I got back together after being apart for almost 2 years.... and that was 10 years ago. We have still not yet been remarried after all these years.... its on our to do list (we now have 4 children!)!
For the most part we are happy but the problem I'm having is, even after more than 10 years it still hurts that in the time we were separated she slept with over a dozen men that I absolutely know of.
I hoped it would get easier to deal with after years gone by but still its very painful. I get the whole routine of,"we werent together!" but half these men were married.
Before you take your spouse back... man or woman.... make sure you are willing to live with what they have done and have been doing while you were apart. It's not gonna go away or get easier to deal with so make sure.... 100% for sure!
 
#14 ·
I'm at a stage right now of confusion if I still want to give it a shot or not. My wife has moved on tremendously fast and she said (I knew through mutual friends) that she has been hanging on for dear life for the past 3 years and I didnt even know...

I have those days of "Yes, I will do anything and try until I die to get her back and save the marriage", and "Hell no, unless she stops stepping on my dignity I wont"...

There are also days that I'm not even sure if I want to go back even if she wants to...

This may just be a phase of separation that we all need to go through...

Ours is a month long now and it is getting easier everyday for me... I guess I just have to make that one decision with no turning back.
 
#119 ·
That bs makes me that fkg angry , she says you didn't even know .
Notice when it's them - faking it , not talking to us about how they're feeling, we're suppose to have known.

But if they can't figure us out - it's because we won't talk about it.
So were in the wrong for not talking about it and for not reading their minds and signals but when they can't do that with us - it's still our fault.
Dunno how many effing times I've read that.
 
#16 ·
evian123 -- thanks for your story. My husband has left me more than 2 weeks ago and so far the single life for him has been nothing short of a euphoria, while I suffer in agony longing for him beside me. I was wrong at first by begging and pleading him. Now, I am letting him get all the space and time and it is still too early to see any signs of him regretting what he has done. But I am really, really praying that this euphoria will wear off and he will soon realise that marriage is not really the problem in general - or if ever it is, it's not something we cannot find a solution to. I am still his wife loving him from afar.
 
#120 ·
I know this is like 5 years later but if theres a chance you still check this...how did things work out? Did your husbands euphoria wear off? My husband is in the same place and I am in yours. We've been separated for 3.5 months now and have a child together. He's now broke to the point where he literally has $7 to last him the next two weeks and has asked me to help him with finances. Im hoping this is him getting close to rock bottom but I wanted to know how your situation played out and how long it took your husband to come around
 
#18 ·
After 6 months of separation we had 3 months of better times, but my pressuring for a return to 'normal' relations forced us apart again. We are still living together but it doesn't feel like marriage. I underestimated the hurt and pain on her shoulders and worry that this was our last chance.

Having tried living apart away from her and my daughter I know I don't like or want that.

Going to Relate conselling this evening for the first time will hopefully prove useful, but fearing the worst.
 
#20 ·
1) Been apart for 4 days - he's saying he needs a week or two.

2)He says he hasn't given up on us, he's just hurting. we're working toward reconcilation.

3)to be announced ;)

I dont know if any reconcillation can ever just be considered success or still working on it. It's a marriage, it's always going to be something to work on. It takes two to make it work
 
#21 ·
@Anonymiss my best advise is do not rush back in to fast. Yes you want them back and yes you really want the marriage to work, but make sure you are both really ready to put the effort in.

This happened with my wife and I. She left once then came back after about 3 weeks, but we never solved the problems. So they just kept on existing fast forward 6 months and we are separated again. I understand that feeling of wanting them back more then anything, but take the time and make sure you really understand what is happening.

We are still talking and neither of us want a divorce, but we are both very raw, hurt, frustrated and angry still. Some of the needs to pass before any real healing can happen.

Best of luck to you and everyone else currently in a separation.
 
#22 ·
There is definitely a very thin line between letting it pass, and letting it all just fade away...

I'm in a 3 month-old separation with my W of 6 years, and it seems that both of us have moved on and we may not have anything left... I'm speaking from experience, I am starting to forget about the feelings I have/had for my W and I wont be surprised if she has as well...

I guess NO ONE really knows the perfect timing, it will happen when the time is right and you will both know when it is. dont rush on it, it maybe worse fixing a very deep wound than waiting for it to heal and touch-upon completely healing the scar...
 
#23 ·
My wife and I was separated for 3 years because I was an alcoholic. I've been in and out of AA but it was only in 2009 that I was really over it. What triggered reconciliation was that I realized I could never be with anybody else and I knew that my wife have always wanted the best for me. She had always been a big support even when we separated by telling me that everything's gonna get better. She loved me at my worst and I realized I wanna work on our marriage. I consider it a success despite many challenges along the way. She's the greatest woman on earth and I'm glad I realized that.
 
#24 ·
1) How long were you apart before reconciling? Almost 2 years of living apart and dating other people etc. And as "fatiguedfatherof4" states you need to be prepared to accept what the other partner has done during separation. It's very difficult and causes fights to this day!

2) Is the reconciliation a success or still working on it? Generally a success but still a work in progress...

3) What triggered reconciliation? Basically he was there for me at my lowest point
 
#25 ·
We were apart a year and a half, he came back to me, guess the grass wasnt greener. were still working on us, I myself have no desire to know what he did during the separation. Were leaving all that in the past. People separate for a reason, they have issues, so why bring more issues into the reconciliation, like what the other spouse did during separation, its just more to fight about, besides I figure I had no indication he was coming back and had he not came back it wouldnt have been my business to know what he did while separated, just like its none of his business what I did(nothing but he dont no that).


were doing great so far and thats what matters. If we keep bringing up what went on during separation we will never make it.
 
#26 ·
Separated 4.5 months after 21 years...I'm having a hard time coping.

We 'talk' but only about our child, house et al. Beyond that, he doesn't initiate contact. I asked him a couple of months ago what the chances were of reconciliation, but he did not answer. When he comes over, he talks to me, but for some reason, barely looks at me when he answers a question. He has always been an avoider of issues and has difficulty with communication at the best of times. He's living with a family member and has hinted that once our separation is legal, he will move out on his own. I am so terribly saddened to see such pain in his eyes when I see him. I wish I could reach out to him and tell him how much I care, miss him, but know in my heart, it's fruitless, as he won't respond.
 
#27 ·
My H left for 3 months in 2000. Later found out the time he left coincided with the divorce of his old high school GF. He came back and we managed to stay together until late 2003 but it was never the same. He left me again in Dec of 2003 and he's been living with her for at least 2 years now. Fool that I am, I'm just now realizing she's the one he really loves, not me, and he's not coming back.
 
#28 ·
1) Our separation lasted ten weeks, from October 15 to Christmas Eve of last year. This October we'll be married twenty years (together for over 22). My husband, simply put (but not trying to understate the pain and trauma), had a midlife crisis and took off.

2) I would consider our reconciliation mostly successful. We have a better, stronger, loving marriage with more open communication. We no longer take each other for granted. The only lingering problems are over his PA and EA during the separation, with an ex-girlfriend, but he is completely transparent, cut off contact with her back in January, is truly sorry; and I am finally... I'll never forget, and it'll always cause me pain, but we both recognize that it's something I'll be working through for awhile.

3) What triggered the reconciliation? I was getting ready to move on, getting psychiatric help (I developed severe depression and an anxiety disorder after he left me), start a "new life", and my H's fog finally started lifting, and he saw that he was about to lose me forever, and didn't want that. He decided that he wanted the love of his life back. I was sort of tricked into the reconciliation because I didn't know about the PA/EA until two weeks later, but here's the thing: we both came back knowing that we'd do anything to save our marriage. I'd never wanted the divorce. Despite all the pain he caused me, we were both resolved.

So, another happy story here. I truly do wish it was the same for all of you.
 
#29 ·
After 3 months, 5 days, and 8 hours -- MY husband has decided to come back and be with me forever.

I hated everything about the separation and there wasn't a single moment that I didn't wish I have my husband back. I didn't want to do the 180 -- I CAN'T. I just missed him so badly.

And so instead of moving on, I did the opposite. I showed him more love and affection than before, I showed him that I have changed and I'm just purely loving him with no expectations in return. It wasn't easy. Most of the time, he would just floor me and tell me that he doesn't love me and ask me to leave him alone. There was even a point when he doesn't even want to be friends - he was being a jerk just so I leave him alone.

But I didn't. I CAN'T... I kept faith. I just continued to show him that I love him.

Yesterday, we had a serious talk and YES -- he is coming back!! :smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:

So, it's really possible.. I wouldn't advise this to everyone else, because it's truly not easy and there are people who just wants to move on with their lives and find someone else. But in case, you really love your partner and you are willing to take this path, then I would say that it's truly worth all of it...

You can read my thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...y-husband-left-me-but-i-am-not-giving-up.html and you can see that most people have told me to move on.. I was stubborn.. I CAN'T. I love my husband so much..
 
#32 ·
Well I'm just over 6 months divorced and having terrible trouble with the whole situation. I needed six months to clear the fog but ex-wife has either moved on or doesn't feel her fog has lifted. Moved out Feb and tried to open lines of communication weeks ago. Although we are now talking basically everyday it is only surface stuff and not addressing our feelings. I guess that is a start.

She keeps giving me mixed signals. I will do my best to give her space but it is the most difficult thing I have ever experienced. I try and think of other things but can not seem to break the cycle yet.

I still have strong feelings for her and I predict she is going to be really hurt soon with our seconds childs birthday and then the holidays coming up. She has no family near and my family has started considering her a friend and has expressed feelings that she will not be welcome during those traditional family times.

I guess I have to sit on the sidelines, work on me and see what happens.
We were married for 19 years and together 22.
 
#33 ·
Patiece my friend.
I am going through the same thing and it's hard.
Although, we haven't divorced. but separted 4 months. The fog is lifting and we are talking alot more.
Don't expect to get to the deep issues for some time. Some things may never come up due to embarrassment.

Just work on the situation at hand and take it show.

Although, we aren't back together yet.
but some real progress is being made.
last night, where she lives with her brother and sister in law. The sister in law was itching to talk to my son and his gf big time, since my wife was at work.
Plus, for what the sons gf says, the sister in law seems to think the wife will be moving back home in a week or two.
I don't know, I am just hearing bits and pieces and alot of speculating.
being that she lives with her brother and his wife. they would probably know exactly what is going on, with the ife talking to them and etc.

I just hope they are right.
Then again, I would love to hear it from her.

But who knows. We are supposed to go work out together afterwhile. That, or I'm sure, I'll talk to her sometime tonight.

But, in the mean time..be strong and patient.
Unfortuatily, these things take time and time isn't easy thing to deal with.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top