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How long were you apart before reconciling?

293K views 126 replies 77 participants last post by  MattMatt 
#1 ·
1) How long were you apart before reconciling?

2) Is the reconciliation a success or still working on it?

3) What triggered reconciliation?
 
#34 ·
I too am just sat on the side lines eternally hoping. 3 months for me.
Husband said he was so unhappy and that i was controlling. Says he would never want to go through the hurt again. Says i am not worth the risk. He thinks he can be happier elsewhere (with new woman).

I am about to move 250 miles away from him. Knowing that he loves his job and that he will never come after me.
The hope is the poisoning factor. Whilst there is hope it stops you moving on.
 
#35 ·
The hope is the poisoning factor. Whilst there is hope it stops you moving on.
This is where I'm at, too. The bible actually says in "Proverbs 13:12 (NLT) Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life. I think it's pretty accurate. It's not really that I don't believe restoration or reconciliation can or will happen. It's just the time it takes for it to become a reality. All one can really do is wait.
 
#36 ·
I hated everything about the separation and there wasn't a single moment that I didn't wish I have my husband back. I didn't want to do the 180 -- I CAN'T. I just missed him so badly.

And so instead of moving on, I did the opposite. I showed him more love and affection than before, I showed him that I have changed and I'm just purely loving him with no expectations in return. It wasn't easy. Most of the time, he would just floor me and tell me that he doesn't love me and ask me to leave him alone. There was even a point when he doesn't even want to be friends - he was being a jerk just so I leave him alone.

But I didn't. I CAN'T... I kept faith. I just continued to show him that I love him.

Yesterday, we had a serious talk and YES -- he is coming back!! :smthu mbup:

So, it's really possible.. I wouldn't advise this to everyone else, because it's truly not easy and there are people who just wants to move on with their lives and find someone else. But in case, you really love your partner and you are willing to take this path, then I would say that it's truly worth all of it...
First off, how wonderful that you and your husband are back together!! I wish you all the luck and love in the world. :)

Your story's a lot like mine. I could NOT do the 180, and my H told me repeatedly that he wasn't in love with me, just wanted to be alone, etc. But in the end, me telling him how much I still loved him and knew we could work things out worked, because he said later that he was glad I did that. It echoed repeatedly in his mind and made him realize that yes, he was still in love with me.
 
#37 ·
1) Separated for about 9 months.

2) It's going pretty good..we have good/bad days, but overall, pretty good..I think we understand each other a lot better now.

3) We both realized that we loved each other, and that the thought of spending the rest of our lives apart would be unbearable.
 
#38 ·
I have been married for 29 years (with alot of issues) we have all the typical marraige gone wrong issues, sex, money, infidelity, alcohol. We have been seperated for the first time 1 year now. We have a divorce pending that we plan to go through with. Here is the problem-I love him with all my heart, and he loves me with all his heart. We have never had very good communication skills. This is the root of most of our problems. Here is the part where I am very confused: We recently had a meeting, we experienced new communication that worked. In this meeting we discussed, that maybe we should go to counseling to see if we could save what we both have we are still getting a divorce. This attempt at reconciliation will run concurent. I have come a really long way and am confused if this is normal reactions or do I run. He has had affairs and I never have. We were 16 when we met so have been together for 37 years. Any ideas, I do plan on continuing with my self improvements for me. That I will not set aside.
 
#40 ·
1) We've been appart for 3 years before we decided to get back together and get married
2) Things look the same to me, same issues, same things to fight about,even more often.
3) I decided i wanted to be with him for good, now i think he didn't appreciate the second chance, but we're still working on things
 
#43 ·
There were a couple of months that my wife and I weren't on speaking terms, but then... she brought me something for my birthday..., and then I agreed to a date...

dating... was iffy, IMO, in the beginning. 5 months later I finally agreed to let her move back in since she rarely went back to her compartment (apartment) anyway.
 
#45 ·
1) How long were you apart before reconciling?
6 months

2) Is the reconciliation a success or still working on it?
Still working on it - we are doing very well a year after getting back together, but it will be a work in progress for a while I think

3) What triggered reconciliation?
I decided to take him back after infidelity, after I went through my own counseling and determined that's what I wanted. He agreed.
 
#49 ·
ArtLady, you have just posted I think almost an IDENTICAL story to what I am in living right now. (maybe not identical life, family, etc, but the exgirlfriend and so many years together and midlife crisis..)
I would appreciate more than you could know if I could talk to you in an email.
I have been married for 17 years and my husband moved out on Oct 4th (it's now Nov 17th) and he is involved with a high school girlfriend-on the phone...she lives 12 hours away but it is clearly an emotional affair and he wants to 'try to see if it will work' in January. I feel I am fighting against time but at the same time I feel like I need to back off completely because I did too much begging and pleading...this is devastating to me. We have 4 children together and are in the middle of a terrible financial crisis and I think because he just turned 39 (day after he moved out and the same week that his coworker left for a council trip...paid for by the company-my husband had always made this trip for our family until this year and now we have to sell our home, too)
Is there anyway to private message in these forums? I need hope for reconciliation and ideas on what helps/hurts. I definitely contributed with being controling and demanding and he was always nice and accomodating and I complained. Ugh. What a wake up call. I have seen a counselor for a month and a half and majorly worked on my issues.
 
#50 ·
One and a half years. I became pregnant with our third child during the third month of our separation.

The reconciliation is a success, but there is still a lot of room for growth as individuals and as a couple. We now have a date night every Saturday and we are loving that, but today I made a stupid mistake by waking him up after he had less than an hour's worth of sleep from editing a friend's film. :/

What triggered R for us was his finally letting go of the fear of truly loving himself, and then me. He had very low self-esteem and looked to other women to build himself up. I, too, had really low self-worth at the time and would look to him to validate myself.

It IS possible to have a successful R. But it takes prayers, a deeply positive mindset on your part, and taking good care of yourself while you are separated. The tricky part is you have to be okay with not reconciling. Release the need to control the outcome of your marriage to the Universe or to God. Recognize that the separation is an opportunity for growth for both of you.
 
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#55 ·
Thank you for your kind words. There seems to be some strong women on this site. It also seems that the ones who tough it out and start to move forward with their lives are the ones that end up reconciling. I needed to do many of the things you are saying.....just so hard. I shouldn't complain as I think it would be much harder if i were pregnant. Gosh that had to be so stressful for you.

Chocolate course....how fun.

Thanks again for coming back to provide hope for others.
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#72 ·
We need to encourage and comfort other people who are going through rough times in their marriage. Friends who listened and comforted me were those who helped me most during my darkest days. Yes, it was doubly hard for me, being pregnant. But I forced myself to keep getting up and seeing the sun each day, and eventually I did really see the light--that everything that was happening was a pruning of sorts in my life. I was examining myself, what I had done wrong within the marriage, and vowing to change for the better whoever I ended up with.

Yes, my chocolate studies were fun. I now have my own chocolate business. :) Funny--I found my life's passion at a time when I thought my love for life had died within me. It is hard, sad, but not impossible. Keep forcing yourself to walk forward, and soon you will be running. On days when all you feel like is sulking, get out all the ugly feelings with a good hard, cry. And then dust yourself off, stand tall, chin up. And smile. We are all still so blessed.
 
#56 ·
We were apart one year and reconcilied on 1/29/12.

It is better and more mature and the communication has been exactly what was missing previously.

We had to travel the road we did to learn about ourselves by ourselves.

We both feel very lucky and blessed for a second chance.

ps: Most important of all is not to stuff any, I mean any, strong feelings no matter what your ego wants! Discuss everything!
 
#58 ·
Wife and I were emotionally seperated for months, lived together but no connection.We were in MC and the whole time she was having an EA with old high school bf she looked up on fb,they even met together four times in a K-mart parking lot in the day(nothing physical happend,believe me).When I found out I demanded she cut it off,she refused.
I kicked her out,4-5 days later she was having a breakdown,she finally figured out OM only wanted her for one thing.In her mind it was too late,she knew she lost everything.When I found out she was on her way to the mental hospital I went and got her things and brought her home.
that was 6-7 weeks ago and she is still working hard to win me and the kids back and she is doing a good job at it,things can still be a little bumpy because me and the kids wonder if she will do something like this again,I really dont think she will.its getting better everyday and she goes out of her way to please me and I can feel a strong connetion with her now.She text me throughout the day and gives me a lot of attention.I thought we were done,I'm glad things are turnning out like they are.BTW,for her to have the EA,was TOTALLY out of character for her.She knows she was in fantasy land and hates herself for it.
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#59 ·
I agree with fatiguedfatherof4, however long it does take before any possible reconciliation attempt, do you know if you would be able to do it knowing that while you were apart, your husband probably had sex with other people? My and my husband separated 8 weeks ago, and already there is no way in hell I would ever touch him again. Just imagining him with somebody else, breaking his vows..... no, never again.
I don't think reconciliation is as easy as simply taking somebody back. It probably brings up lots of hostile feelings. Do you want to reconcile, in all honesty?
 
#60 ·
This may sound crazy, but I think I'd already resigned myself to STBXH having a PA so many times while we were still together (he had multiple EAs, and I was trying to mentally prepare myself for the rest). So now that we're living apart, and presumably headed to divorce with no desire on his part to reconcile, I know he's out there looking for freedom and fun.

If this is some kind of 'fog,' I think it will be harder for me to reconcile after the changing history he's done about our own relationship. If he really understands how his actions and words have affected me, and truly feels remorse, it will be easier to forget how he's tried to take away any positive memories about our relationship and turn it into garbage.
 
#63 ·
If this is some kind of 'fog,' I think it will be harder for me to reconcile after the changing history he's done about our own relationship. If he really understands how his actions and words have affected me, and truly feels remorse, it will be easier to forget how he's tried to take away any positive memories about our relationship and turn it into garbage.
Mine has done this too...I have seen a lot of remorse ... before he moved out. Since then not happening though. I need a change...
 
#62 ·
In October 2010 my life changed. My marriage fell apart and I was an emotional wreck. My story is on this site My husband moved out into an apartment in December 2010. Throughout this time I was a mess, I could barely function. With the help of friends and my daughter I picked up the pieces and tried to figure things out. In Feb 2011 my husband and I decided that we really did love one another but we had some pretty big issues to resolve.

We have been living apart for almost 1 1/2 years, it's had it's good times and it's bad. I have grown alot and I have had time to reflect and see the mistakes that contributed to my marriage falling apart. I look back now and I realize that this is something I had to go through, I needed this to happen. I am a different person now, a stronger person and I am grateful for the people who have stood by me through my mess called life.

I am happy to report that my husband and I are starting " a new beginning". We just purchased a home together, a new start and we will be starting the living together process in June! I am excited, scared and a million other emotions.

Our relationship is much stronger now, he is my best friend. I look forward to many years with him, hopefully living together, maybe not.. who knows what the future holds. All I know is that I am going to live each day to the fullest

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#70 ·
We aren't living together yet ;) He has his house and I have mine. He spends weekends at my house (he lives 45 min away)and stays at his house during the week (the commute to work from my house is way too long). We bought a big enough house (2800 sq ft) so that we could each have our "own" space. We are going to take our time moving back in together :)
 
#83 ·
I feel for you, testing. That is how it was for me for a good year. My husband even told me that he saw me as a sister to him. Felt like a gut-punch. Wow. So I let go even more. But I had already prayed for R. I had just really learned to let go.
 
#81 ·
Can I ask you all. Did you have days when you really thought that there was no hope of a R? That things had got so bad that you almost gave up?
I found out today that my H has stopped wearing his wedding ring to work (the ow is a co worker). He wears it when he comes to my house! This has really hit me hard today!
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#84 ·
Yes, daisygirl. In the 1 1/2 years that we were apart there were many, many days that felt hopeless. I gave up lots of times. But I just kept bouncing back in my life, because I knew that those were just feelings of despair that would eventually lift. I became confident not about us reconciling, but of me finding true love. In fact, I even wrote it in big beautiful words on a piece of paper: "True love has found me."

My husband saw the paper and became red in the face. "So true love has found you," he said. I snatched the paper away from him and said that I was just using the Law of Attraction. Little did I know that he would really be the true love that would find me (again) in the end.

Pray for R, daisygirl, then let it go. Live your life. Love yourself. Build a life of your own without him. That sounds very difficult and it is, because you love your husband, but knowing that he takes off his wedding ring to work with the OW there...oh, man. Leave him be. Please focus on yourself, hon. I forced myself to do that.
 
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