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How long were you apart before reconciling?

293K views 126 replies 77 participants last post by  MattMatt 
#1 ·
1) How long were you apart before reconciling?

2) Is the reconciliation a success or still working on it?

3) What triggered reconciliation?
 
#82 ·
I think about no hope of R everyday. After my W last week, told me in front of MC. She's not ready at this time. So, it may be a long while, if ever. That admission, knocked me back a bit in my plans, because I was actively reading divorce remedy.

I look at my wedding ring a lot and wish I could wear it and it mean something.

We both stopped wearing the rings after separating. Funny thing is, I have no idea where her wedding ring is at the house. I know where all the jewelry is.

But, like others here, I have to make a better/new me and let go, let it go, and hope and pray--patience. As I write that, I am sad.
 
#85 ·
I know how sad you are, Jayb. I understand the loneliness, the seemingly long road ahead. But please look at this as something that might be for both your benefit. There is a reason for everything. And this, perhaps, is the time that is for your growth and learning APART, as individuals.
 
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#90 ·
I believe there are a # of factors that contribute to 1 spouse wanting to come back.

1. changing youself. They grew tired of what you were, and they are scared that they will go back to the same routine. You have to change yoursef, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

2. They have to see what it will be like without you in their life. You have to be willing to let them see it. This is where the 180 comes in, and has to be followed. Once you start it, you must commit, and not be willing to care about anything they have going on in their lives (its hard with kids, but you get the jist) 1 of the best things I ever did, was take my son away for 3 days 2 weekends in row, and she was left with NOTHING TO DO, BUT THINK! 1 weekend we went racing outta town, and the next weekend we went hunting outta town. I made sure that that weekend was all about me and my kid. We had an absolute blast! It was his first time being with all the guys, and to this day hasn't stopped talking about it. My wife was going nuts, she told me it was the loneliest she has ever been in her life! That was the spark that started the fire, and got her thinking what it was going to be like.

3. SPACE! Nagging, pleading, begging, pushyness is a big fat unattractive quality, that noone likes!



as for knowing when they changed. I can tell you in my case it wasn't 1 thing. It was a # of different things, over a period of time. And quite frankly I needed it to continue before I was ready to reconcile. My W, started texting me about dumb things, started calling me about dumb things. Wrote me a letter telling me how sorry she was, and how stupid she was. She started making sure I knew where she was at all times. She started including me in her plans (this part really threw me for a loop). She wanted to be with me and our son, when we went to games, shopping, what ever. All these little things, let me know she was reengaged. don't settle for 1 little hint. Make her commit, just like she did you, follow the 180.
 
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#96 ·
we were apart about 4 months. husband went dark, nc, and did 180.

reconciling is always a work in progress. over 10 years later and we had yet another break through.

i cant say what triggered us getting back together. i think it just felt right. i was ready to talk, and i had been working on me.

we were just talking about this recently, and i asked him if we got back together for the "marriage"....he said maybe, not sure....

to this day we both still fight for our relationship. we both still want the same result.
 
#99 · (Edited)
Wow....I'm so happy for you Daisy girl. I will keep praying for your happiness in your marriage.

I had to come back and edit as I'm in tears for your sudden start to R. I read back through your supportive post on my thread when I was hurting. I hope you will continue to pray for me in your prayers too.

I wish you so much luck in the days, weeks and months to come.
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#100 ·
Sad
Thankyou for you prayers and thoughts. Yes I continue to pray for you all and hope that you all find peace in your hearts wether that is through reconciliation or moving forward.
I have truly been blessed with my H returning and we both want to move forward in a marriage that is stronger and happier than before.
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#104 ·
separated for almost 2 years (from longterm relationship).

we have our moments during talks where we think we are ready (even though we don't talk about it; his man pride won't let him-i kicked him out); but we both realize we are not ready. to an extent, i think we both want it (he has specifically told me he does not want me to leave him alone etc.) but we have not talked about unresolved issues; so it makes it difficult to determine.

still around each other (we e-mail, text, talk and check in on occassion-more than just hey how are you doing; we get the updates etc.); i'm not sure what that means

for full disclosure: I'm not married (never have been), we were in a long term relationship that ended rather abruptley. He lives around the corner with the OW; and I often feel like the OW now, but it sounds like he has grown alot and feels better about himself, and he is still talking to me about our feelings etc. I think we would have ALOT to work on before reconciliation; although I would let him come back home to work it out.
 
#105 ·
I know this thread isn't very active but I'm so happy for those who have reconciled. I wish that I could post here a happy story of my own soon. It's been a while since H left again, but instead of counting how long it has been, I look forward and thank that each day is one day closer to that grand reconciliation.

I know this is just a TEMPORARY setback for us.
 
#106 ·
Before you take your spouse back... man or woman.... make sure you are willing to live with what they have done and have been doing while you were apart. It's not gonna go away or get easier to deal with so make sure.... 100% for sure![/QUOTE]

Totally agree with the above. My husband and I have been separated for just over a year now (it was my choice to leave) and he has been in another country the past 6 months (due back in November) and I know that there is A LOT of stuff I have to work through before I can take him back especially because he has had physical relationships with other women since the break up.
 
#107 ·
When my wife first moved out 8years ago, she was gone 6months, it took around 4months before she was willing to try.

But 8years ltr she has left again n is now divorcing me
 
#110 ·
1) How long were you apart before reconciling?

Separated five months till we reconciled properly. Before that we tried four times but it didn't work because I was too emotional, too angry to forgive him. I would bring him back into my life and then dump him a few weeks later.

2) Is the reconciliation a success or still working on it?

We are still working on it but its blossoming. Its been 3 months since we are in R and We now have many days when we laugh and joke together (like the old times). I never thought we could bond again as I thought the damage was too great. But I was wrong. There is still a lot of work to be done. Still not over

3) What triggered reconciliation?
The fact that my partner was consistently remorseful. He is doing whatever he can to reassure me that he is committed.. Shows compassion and understanding when I am in pain, willing to do councelling, pays me a lot of attention, tals about his shame and regret for cheating on me. All of this helped me to decide to give him a chance
 
#117 ·
we have been separated for 3 months now with a 2 yr old son. it hurts so bad that my fiance doesn't want to reconcile at the moment. I took a better paying job (not what i wanted), about to close escrow on a home, switched to a less expensive car, and gave up a lot for her and my son. It's like she turned cold completely after being so excited about moving out of in laws. There's no OM i know for sure. i want my family together and raise our son....
 
#118 ·
My H and I were were together for 19 yrs married 12. We were best friends. Never fought. He had a very hard stressful year last year. Work. Loss of pets. I ca,e go,e from work on the 12/1 and he told me he wanted to seperate. Since that day he has been shut off. There is no other woman. After six weeks of trying to live with him. I had to leave our home. He is angry at me for leaving, but he was telling me he did love me and he did not want to get back together. He turnt 40. He will not talk to me and will not return messages. For the first 8 weeks I begged and pleaded with him to talk. But he would only get angry. Wouldn't return messages. This is a man who had never raised his voice before, couldn't talk to friends and family without getting defensive and angry. I had a nervous breakdown. Four weeks afo i decided to rake some time off work and fo away for some time away to let the dust settle and I have not heard from him at all. And I have not attempted to contact him. It's been 4 months since separation. There is still no other woman. His sister just tells me he is being very quiet and just working. Spiritually I feel that this is not over and he is just on a journey. So hurt and confused.
 
#121 ·
First time, 3.5 months, he didn't say we were going to separate but left right after I gave birth. He he came back because his parents house was no longer available as they returned from a long trip overseas and we couldn't afford to run two houses. Very functional, kids very young, me very tired, so went along with it. If I had been on TAM I may have done things very differently. But you live and learn.


Second time, 6 weeks or so. He begged to come back, said he was changing, doing all he could to change, IC, MC AA etc. He said he wanted to make it work. I didn't believe him per se but do see he is trying for the most part, but there is alot of work to be done and maybe we will get there.
 
#123 ·
We were separated for a few months. The problem was she never actually fully let me go.

Reconciliation has been a about four weeks now and after all that has happened we actually feel and seem stronger than ever now.

The difference I made was to stay calm, listen and then talk about the problems that caused our separation and then listened to how she felt through it all and reassured her that we were going to come out of this stronger and wiser from both our mistakes. And she mirrored my behaviour.
 
#126 ·
1. How long were you apart before reconciling?

It will be a year in May since she left. She rebuffed all efforts at reconciliation during the first three months and that is when I finally stopped trying. I have since pulled the 180 move. Every two to three weeks she gets terribly lonely and messages me out of the blue. Sometimes I respond. Sometimes I don't. But her messages do not deal with getting back together, except for one, when she asked if I thought if we'd still be together had her brother not died. I said "yes." Her brother's death is what sent her into the emotional tailspin to begin with, and into the arms of another man, and then, woman.

2. Is the reconciliation a success or still working on it?

If it ever happens, I'll be the first to let you know. I am no longer working on it. And I was the only one working on it. Strangely enough, however, her headlong rush into divorce came to a screeching halt late last year and she hasn't picked it back up again. I'm not sure why. I don't ask. Our current status is "separated," although she will not post that status on any social media page and continues to wear her engagement diamond and wedding ring.

3. What triggered reconciliation?

Should this ever happen, and I strongly believe it won't, it will be the passage of time. The only thing I have going for me is I am her last living link to her mother, father and brother. I know what rose brings her to tears, for example, because it was her mother's favorite and her father planted that variety of rose at every house they ever lived in together during our marriage (three in total). I know her love of big band swing music comes from her grandmother, who played her the hits of Glenn Miller and others while she was growing up. She loves to dance to big band swing. Only I know why. I know the special meals that her mother would make for her. I know what her favorite fruit is. I know she has the greenest of green thumbs because I brought it out in her.

I don't know if this will be enough to ever trigger such a thing. I no longer hold out any hope. I no longer pine for her. She will always hold a special place in my heart, but she wanted her freedom and I gave it to her.
 
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