I wish there were more post in this section, but I am so freaking excited to posting here and so very, very blessed.
For Anyone that would like to get caught up on my story here is my first post in the "going through divorce section." I just need to hear from people in my situation
As promised I am making full post to talk about my separation period and how my husband and I got to the point where we are back together. I'm sorry if I don't have much to share, most of the 60 days a blur for me, but I don't have some material that helped me though that time I think everyone should at least have access to it.
So lets start with some basics. My husband and I did live under the same roof during the whole entire time we were "separated" it was a nightmare to follow some of this advice I was receiving but I just want people to know that are still in the same house as their spouse IT CAN BE DONE.
Step one: Get yourself into IC. If you can get into MC I think that is a wonderful thing, I was not as lucky to have a spouse that was open to going to MC but even if you do I think it is a great thing to have IC as well. There are going to be times when you want to vent, scream, and just be selfish and talk about what all of this is doing to YOU. That is great, healthy and natural. BUT in MC you need to focus on the solutions as a team. It is not the place to do your venting that is why I am making that suggestion.
You don't have to pay someone to do IC for you. I did have an IC but for me it was my Mom and my sister-in-law. I would call them around 5-6 times a day and sometimes I would do nothing but just cry and they would do nothing but listen to me cry. They thought my husband was overreacting and wasn't do the right thing, but they also helped me by trying to explain his side of things as well.
Step two: Do your best to surround yourself with people who think you are wonderful. I live in NC because my husband is in the military. ALL of our family lives in Florida. So for me I had to get out and hang out with friends. I had to make some new friend because pretty much all of our friends are mutual friends, wanna know the best part about that? They knew NOTHING about me, and it was great to be around people who only knew the good things about me and would tell me how great I was. Sounds so self-centered.. I know. BUT this is what you need! For me I have spent the last 4 years of my life completely consumed by my husbands career. I mean, I have a successful career of my own but being in the military I move and find a new job, friends, house etc. when I need too. I did very thing in my power to make sure we were always together. Including getting married young, and changing my college just to be with him. Anyways, getting out there will be hard. Believe me if you feel anything like I did you are thinking "I can't even brush my teeth with out using every ounce of energy I have. You want me to try to meet some new people?!" Just try. Get into a gym, join a club, get on CL and FIND SOMETHING. I found a cheerleading team that needed a coach, applied, and got the job! Cheerleading was such a big part of my life growing up and now I was coaching (getting paid) and loving it! Something I would have never found if my husband had not pulled this crazy move.
I promise if you do these two thing to start with the rest will start to fall into place. After 2 or 3 weeks it wasn't so hard to get out of bed. I found myself calling my mom and sister less and less (maybe only 4 times a day
) and I also found my husband asking ME to hangout and go to movies.
So let me post some of the material that helped me. Now keep in mind I didn't follow any one book or website 100% but when you start to read this material you will find that they all same thing. You will also find that a lot of people on this site will tell you the same thing "Focus on Yourself." It was the last piece of advice I wanted to hear (especially considering I only had 2 months to make things work) but I started doing it unknowingly and "playing the game" and it did work.
Divorce Busting by Michele Weiner-Davis
The Divorce Remedy by Michele Winer-Davis
Separated and Waiting by Jan Northington
The last one is a Christan based book. Just a warning... I was willing to try ANYTHING and I found her words to be comforting.
Websites: Stop Your Divorce! By Homer McDonald How I Saved My Marriage
These two sites I found myself reading OVER AND OVER AND OVER. When I was having a week moment. I did not buy the book from the first site but I found what he said to be so true in hindsight.
If you have not already done so read this story. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconci...n-success.html
From what I understand Anx is not super active in the site anymore but he does have some great advice. His story goes over what is considered "The 180." But really all the material I have posted will is a 180 in some way or another. They all tell you to stop telling your other half control the game and play along until you are in control.
And to be honest I figured I didn't have anything to lose by trying it because begging and pleading wasn't working and I am so grateful to be making this post for everyone to read.
Just a disclaimer... again, I am not claiming to have all of the answers. I am just trying to be helpful. I just honestly knew in my heart that I did not want a divorce and neither did my husband no matter how many times he said it just can't work or that he didn't want it to work.
Use your best judgment and trust your gut. Figure out what YOU want because in the end your spouse should not control your happiness they should only be a bonus to the happiness you create for yourself.