ReconciliationThis forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.
Ok - I'm back, whew, that was a pretty long weekend.
@zsu & mytwogirls - I somehow agree to what each of you are saying, I'm not sure if you have read my other threads, or if I have mentioned this here at all: It wouldn't matter if she is in another relationship now with someone else. I value the covenant I made with her 6 years ago (regardless if she does or not). I will be improving myself so that I will be able to serve her and our daughter more in the years to come. If she comes to her senses, and accepts that she has been (or not) in a relationship, I will still be here to accept her in our lives, better than ever. The promise I made to her when I married her is something I will keep as long as I'm still breathing.
The last three days have been nothing but beauty. Last Saturday, her entire family and I (w/o her) went to a relative's wedding. My daughter was on my lap as they walked down the aisle. I started telling stories about our wedding to her, since she had soo many questions.
My 5yr old then asked, "Who will I marry daddy?" I told her we dont know yet, you havent met him yet but when you do, make sure you both love each other no matter what. She added: "Can I marry you daddy?" I felt something in my throat but I chose to ignore it, I didn't want to see my cry. I just told her, "No, someone better than daddy will come to your life when you grow up." Such a joyous day for us.
Then came Sunday. That was pretty hard for me to get by since I only spent a few hours with my daughter the day before and I chose to be alone today. I went to Church and texted the priest who has councelled me before. He is running a home for the abandoned elderly. I brought some snacks for the old folks on my way. I asked the priest: How do you get by with just faith? The government doesn't fund this place, nor does the church. So how do you buy medicines, pay for the caretakers wages, and feed these 20 elderly? His answer:God Provides.
Very powerful, and he said God has never left these folks hungry. Not one day.
I asked: "How can I have full trust in the Lord that me and my wife will get together someday?" He replied: Just have faith, no questions asked, no nothing. Just put your whole heart in that faith and He will Provide.
A few minutes after that conversation, someone knocked on the door. An old lady with a tray full of food. I guess its time for Siesta (afternoon snacks). Then, right in front of me, I saw God's Providence: The snacks I brought, and the food the old lady just came by with, are now being served to these homeless, sick, and abandoned elders.
Powerful. I left the place with a huge smile on my face, that God Does Provide, as long as we have our whole heart to him. In Faith.
He too can heal my marriage, not in my time, but in His. I am having a hard time giving Him my full trust, somehow I still want to play a role, I still want to control how this marriage can be healed. In time, I will realize that none of these are within my, or anyone else's control. I will do what I have to do, I will serve my family, I will serve and love my daughter, I will make sure she knows I am always here for her. I will start running, go back to the gym, get a life insurance for myself, while I Trust God will Heal her, God Will Provide.
For me I've had times where I'm living in trust, and its easy to fall away when hurting and sad.
I recently heard a pretty cool sermon on a story I've seen many times. When peter walked on water after Jesus he only started to sink when he looked away and was afraid. In the mist of a miracle he doubts. It's silly to think about, he is already walking on water. How can he doubt. It's human nature. It's a great analogy. You will hurt but your focus needs to be fixed on God and fixing this. You will be angry, mad, frustrated, or resentful. Refocus and get back on the path.
Best of luck and God bless. Posted via Mobile Device
@anx - In your case, your wife have made huge improvements on your troubled marriage... May I ask, how this happened? I know we both have different stories to tell and reasons for the separation.
In my case, I am seeing a slight improvement, primarily on my part. We dont argue via text anymore, because I dont react to what she says... What else can be done to bring her back?
I now see that Trust in the Lord, and trust that my wife will come to her senses is something I have to rediscover... I dont know how, but I need to work on that...
Find what does work and did work and do that. Fix the broken stuff, not fighting is a big part of that.
Your wife needs to want to work on it. Some amount of connection is just there and when you hang out she'll be somewhat connected if the bad stuff isn't there.
It's just a slow process. Slow improvement over months add up.
Do nice or thoughtful things. You won't see any immediate improvement. She may not like gifts, but small thoughtful things do matter. Posted via Mobile Device
Hmmm.... Our last issue now is the amount of money I give to her and our daughter monthly.
I asked that I try to cut down on what I give (heck, how can I improve myself if I dont even have money for Gas?). She agreed but wanted me to work on it so that it will go back to what we initially "agreed" to ("agreed" coz I wasnt in the right frame of mind when we were calculating, yes, it was on that night).
One of the other reasons I wanted to cut on the support is for me to have money to buy myself a life insurance, for them. I wanted to guarantee them support even after i'm gone, and I don't have any intentions of letting her know (well, probably im gonna give the Policy copy as a gift on her birthday).
What do you guys think, go back to the "agreed" amount, or cut it and get that Insurance?
There will be a ton of these. Find a compromise if at all possible. No one wins if you barely have money to live but can't see the daughter you are paying so much to support. She agreed to the temporary cut and you can potentially start repairing things in the mean time.
An agreement in that state of mind doesn't make sense or is fair for you. Posted via Mobile Device
Wow, today was the first day in this 51-day separation (to date) that I wasn't worried or thinking of our problem at all. What a relief! I guess its one of those things that separated people go through.. exactly as it is... Separated from the problem.
Today I spoke to her mom, just wanting to say Hi but mostly I wanted to confirm where my money is going. And she did confirm that her family is only getting 1500 of the 6000 (our currency) that we have allotted for them. Not sure where the others are going but I am definitely not happy about it. Next month, I will just give what is due and I will give only what is needed for my daughter. I dont want to end up paying for her change in lifestyle at all.
Today, a friend, the same folks who comforted me when I had this problem initially needed my help. They too, are on the verge of separation, and I have vowed that I will do anything I can to salvage their relationship. I have spoken to the woman today, telling her wonderful things about Love, and making her realize how to pickup herself from this mess. Tomorrow, I will speak to the guy, to say the same thing. I intend to be a steward of peace, the same way they have been to me and bring them back.
At this stage, I can say that I have started rediscovering myself, detached from my Wife and the shadow of our separation. I'm not sure what this will bring me, but I am definitely sure it will bring me happiness among others.
I also jogged a total of 7 laps in two days... Feels really good to sweat it out and exercise my heart, literally.
Till tomorrow. I've also decided to change the numbers on my posts, tomorrow will be Day 52 of our separation and will be labelled as is...
Second day of me moving on from the pain, I haven't felt this "ok" for the past 50 days, and now it seems that i'm feeling that everything is just right. I slept well today, slept more than what I usually do.
I found out from you now that you are riding a bus to work at 4 in the morning, I hate that you are doing this and I wish I can drive you to/from work. But you wanted it this way, you are too brave and proud to say that you are having a hard time. I wish I could make it easier for you, but its your choice.
I also sent you a text message before I went to work, telling you my heartfelt apology for all the wrong decisions, and pain that I have caused you. I thought I was perfect, I thought I made all my decisions right, but obviously that isnt the case now...
I also spoke to a lawyer-friend now, and I'm afraid to tell you that all the things you are telling me about family support and minimum amount have no legal basis. I don't want to tell you you are wrong, since these are the things you are holding on to as one of your "weapons" to do it your way. I know I'm right about what I am trying to fight for, but, you don't need to know. Believe what you want to believe, and I will support you all the way.
I wish you can find it in your heart to forgive me, and I am praying that He will heal and open your heart for us to start again...
Specifically, she won't like it if you have knowledge of support stuff for a long time and don't tell her. It may feel manipulative to her to have information you aren't telling her. You know your story best, but it might mean a lot to her to tell her that you don't legally need to support her for more than a specific amount, but are going to support her for more than that or whatever you are doing. You know your story the best. My advise may not be right.
It's great to hear you are feeling better. Keep up the good work. Posted via Mobile Device
I'll see how far that goes anx, I'm not sure if i'm willing to open that can of worm again. I will give what I can afford and she knows that...
On another topic, what are your thoughts on me telling her how I feel for her and wish for our relationship? I see a lot of posts here advising NOT to say those things, but my heart is telling me that isn't right...
Her mom told me that they spoke the other day, and my wife said that she still needs space and now isn't the time yet. This goes back to the other pages where she texted me not to force it yet... I guess there could be a light at the end of this, she is starting to go to church now, not sure what she is praying for but that should be a good thing...
Her going to church is amazing. I would be very much excited. Keep remembering that you aren't the one that is going to fix this. you can't do enough to undo the pain. She needs to find that herself.
I don't always agree with this site about advise. I think you may want to hint at reconciliation or make it known that you love her and would like to fix it if possible. She is going to set the time line for that. She isn't ready to think about that seriously. I would hint at it or say it non directly. Either way however it probably won't change the outcome or Gods plan unless you harden her heart more by being too direct or too much too soon. So yes, my advise is to not tell her you want reconciliation right now, but hint at it. make it known without pushing the subject. Saying you are sorry is a big step to that. Remember that your wife pastor told her that God makes impossible love possible. You can't have a better sign than that. Just don't mess it up. Keep humble, learning, loving, and serving. Apologize too when needed. Posted via Mobile Device
Part of my text to her today was: Sorry, I thought I made all my decisions in life right...I'm terribly sorry for hurting you and your family...Hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me and start over... I will wait until you are ready...
Yeah, I don't know what she is praying for, and honestly, I don't care, its between her and God
I won't mess up this time, she said it once that I was pushing for it too soon... I know she knows I want to reconcile, her mom said she still needs time, then so be it...
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you can't do enough to undo the pain. She needs to find that herself.
I think I know what you mean, but can you please explain this further?
I'll see how far that goes anx, I'm not sure if i'm willing to open that can of worm again. I will give what I can afford and she knows that...
I still might consider sending her a text that says something like "I talked to a lawyer and they said that support needs to be X (and any other important details). I know we agreed to Y, and then agreed another time about Z. I am going to give you want I can afford.
I will continue to support you and our daughter in any way possible."
You don't need to get a response. Just let her know what you know and your intentions.
Again, you know your story best, and you may have already covered this too much. DON'T not tell her important legal info like this however if its going to affect you now or later.
Keep on the strait and narrow. Its hard, and you know that or soon will.
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I think I know what you mean, but can you please explain this further?
Serve and love your wife, but even if you do a million little things, give her a ton of money, take care of your daughter, etc you cannot undo the hurt. She needs to look inside of herself and her faith and find that. You should be doing all those things, but works will not fix this. She needs to find that for herself. NOTHING on God's green earth can force your wife to love you again.
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Sorry, I thought I made all my decisions in life right...I'm terribly sorry for hurting you and your family...Hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me and start over... I will wait until you are ready...
I think this is basically exactally what I was thinking. Its maybe a bit too direct, but fine.
^ thanks I know only she can forgive me, but I will give her all the tools (through actions and deeds not directed to her), all the beautiful things to make her want to forgive and start over...
I choose to remain quiet about the legal stuff I know. The fact that she is using that against me (rather ignorantly), I don't want to deprive her of that "power" she thinks she has over me. She is obviously getting either wrong info from uneducated friends, or she "thinks" she is right...
Re: My Journey Towards Marriage Reconciliation 
