Its funny that you said I was helping you when I felt you have done a great deal of help to me too on the first few pages. This is where i draw probably 25% of my strength from, with my family, friends and God making up for the rest to keep me going.
Throughout my ordeal, Ive managed to help other people while they are helping me. It seems like im on a mission now, to make other peoples marriage better while i work on mine. Just last night i found out that one of my previous co-worker is on the verge of a separation too because of her husbands drug abuse. I vowed to do whatever i can to help clear her mind and heart, even if it means i have to sacrifice a weekend away from my daughter. Just to see and talk to her, i will do it. She's 1week in the separation and, while her reason is different, her baggage of too many were the same ones i had on my first days...
Ive always loved and have been passionate about handling and motivating people, in my career as a Manager, ive molded a lot of people to become better individuals, and better persons for years. I guess this is god's way of nurturing mu talent for a better purpose. He has been good to me all this time, ive never doubted that. Its just that my mind was too foggy to see the good things he has been showing me.
It still hurts though, the thought of my daughter is killing me, everyday. The only peace i findia when i go to church, help out other people, or, shamefully, flirt with other women. Its probably my way of dealing with all this...
A friend once told me that before something can be fixed, they need to get broken. Paired with the FB quote i posted above, i truly believe that and it all does make sense.
I havent been to church for two days, its been raining hard here in the Philippines, but I will say a prayer for everyone of us who have been given this gift of marriage separation. That we may all soar in His grace and His will. Posted via Mobile Device
I'm just gonna allow my thoughts to ramble, pardon me but this will be long.
A few posts back, I mentioned I am "seeing" another married woman, who is also on the same boat I am. A background:
- We dated 5 years ago, when I was still on the first two years of my marriage. It was both romantic and sexual and for once in my numerous infidelities, I felt I was in love, then it had to end because she knew it was wrong, but we both knew we had something special back then. Why did I start this relationship? A LOT was missing from my marriage, there was a whole lot of void in it, and I found what I wanted in her.
- Some fun facts : My W and her have almost the same name, her H and me have almost the same name as well. They were married January 24, I was married September 24 (Same year).
- I prayed to be cleared of that phase, and I was, for years 2 to this year, I have been "clean", I have sacrificed my emotional happiness to make my marriage work out, then it ended with a separation.
- We have been in rare contacts during those 4 years, but were back on track now. Calling each other and texting each other everyday. I sometimes pick her up to/from work.
- She is also married for 6 years, two beautiful kids. Her H treats her like trash, and she mentioned that she is willing to sacrifice her own happiness for the sake of her kids having a "whole" family.
- Today, I had to let my emotions go, she is tired from work, I know, coz I was on the phone with her on her way home, and her H is out gambling or drinking somewhere and asked that she opens the door, and cook for him, at 12 midnight (our time, Philippines).
- I told her this is too much, she deserves better than this and that she should not only serve her husband (that is the argument of her H), but she should be getting something in return: H being a good provider, good father, and good H emotionally.
- She opened up the discussion with: Why do we have to get happiness outside of the marriage, why am I giving her more than what her H is giving her, and that she does not want to get used to this because she knows this is temporary and she does not want to fall because I am giving her what she 'needs' as a woman.
- I replied: I am scared too, just like her, but despite the fact that this could be temp, we are happy, and that this being temporary or forever would depend on how we handle it now. We are both broken, we are both healing in each others company and we fit perfectly. 5 years ago may not have been the right time for us, but now may be our chance.
- Her reply to that: She will never be happy with something temporary, she let me go 5 years ago because she does not want to get herself into something she cant get out of. She feels that I need her now because im broken, she needs me because she has a need, were just using each other just to "forget".
- She asked me years ago, if I was ready to let go of my family for hers, I said No. Now, I think I am ready to say Yes. (I havent told her that yet)
- I said: nobody knows if this will be forever or not, i told her i loved her now.
- She replied (coz her husband was home by this time): Ill just clear my head, ill text you tomrorow, good night, i miss you *kiss*
- I invited her to go to Church this Sunday (I have been praying for her for the past few weeks, that she starts to heal. I've been praying for my W too, that she starts to heal and be truly happy)
- Her kids are the most important things to her, i've shown love to her kids by telling her I am willing to rush her son to the hospital when he so sick, I brought her kids chocolates (3 pcs, one for each of them) just the other day. Is that a show-off? No, I care for her kids, even if I havent met them...
I am at my most confusing stage ever throughout this journey, I don't believe I just 'need' her, she is the ideal wife for me, she made me feel special 5 years ago, more than my wife, and her being a role-model mom to her kids, sacrificing EVERYTHING just for the kids is something I cannot see in my W right now, I've never seen it before too. She cooks, she works, she tutors her kids, she wakes up in the morning to prepare breakfast for the kids, and serves her husband who treats her like trash: something my W has NEVER done.
I dont know what to do... Please help... Am I willing to get her and the kids and be their 'saviour'? Yes. Do I know that this will be HARD and complicated? Yes. Am I willing to risk it? Yes. Am I willing to talk to my W's family about this move? Yes. Am I willing to let go of my W completely? Yes. Do I want this to last? Yes. Is the feeling mutual? I'm not sure - my gut says it is, but I know she is more scared than I am...
Wow..i have been following your thread as i am also a kababayan of yours...its fascinating your journey.
I love the part where you were asking god to guide you through your journey in marriage reconciliation...
Hmmm...that is your choice(freewill)god never interfere in any decision we make in our life as we are the one who is going to deal with it.He is always going to be there for us to forgive if we ever make a mistakes and resent from our sins.
You should have known since you to go church all the time for guidance from him and listen to the gospel and believe in bible
you should have known the exact answer to all of your question now.
I know one fact of life that we all know what is right and wrong and whatever choices/decision we make there is the consequences.
Hey, kamusta? thanks for following my thread and I hope I have helped you in a way
- I totally agree with you, I have been praying for guidance for the past two months, and so far God has given me all the tools I needed. Usually I realize things when I am alone, when nothing is happening, thats when I see the important things now...
Today is just one of those days where it requires a lot of faith and intellect to survive. I need time off, but where will I go? I'm at this stage now where I have to either let go of the woman (the other W) who is making me happy now, or put myself in to her fully, or continue with this crazy ride hoping things will get better.
Either way, I know there will be consequences, you know that we don't have divorce here, and I'm not willing to spend on Separation as well.
I'm still young, i'm just 27, but this has probably added 10 years to my emotional and spiritual age... I appreciate every single minute of it, but at the same time I just want to land somewhere... Just get it over and done with...
(Apologies for those who do not speak the language) Ang hirap, pagod na pagod na ang utak ko...
Myself,I am going through same thing being separated,but i haven't done anything,i leave it all to HIM.
I have been holding on to this on my first few weeks, and have decided just lately to let Him handle me, the people around me, and my W...
That was where I saw all the signs and I have allowed Him to lead me where He wants me to go... I do get impatient sometimes but I shake it off knowing that He knows better than anyone...
The road I'm on right now is full of hurdles and roadblocks, and I'm not seeing any light at the end of it yet, just today, I'm in the middle of a fork and I do not know where to go...
I need to breath, I need space, I need to be alone with Him... In a few minutes I'll go to church and hear mass, I'm sure i'll shed a lot of tears again (I always do when I go to church), but I know He has something planned for me...
I agree with separated79. I think your biblical answer should be to heal your marriage to the mother of your daughter. People do fall always for a time. Your wife is going to specifically have a hard time because her faith and marriage are so closely related. Leaving your marriage means crossing her faith. Again, it hasn't even been 3 months and you were married for 5 years I think you said, AND you messed up a lot. Let her mess up for now.
Going back to the person you cheated on your wife with and encouraging her to leave her husband is pretty clearly not the right move.
Wait for now. Cut contact with her. If in a year, you BOTH end up divorced or something then maybe, but I still strongly think you need to remain faithful to your marriage covenant. Absolutely do not encourage her to divorce her husband so you can be together.
You need to be truly alone in this time and find true fulfillment with God. You cannot make your marriage work until you are a complete person independently. Filling the whole left from your separation with this woman is the wrong choice. Posted via Mobile Device
I am sorry to butt in, but I cannot see how involving other people can help heal a marriage? I understand you are ebbing at the moment, but why make things more messy? She is married?? I don't know...sounds a bit..rude.
thank you anx and that_girl for being honest with your responses.
I guess at this point, i'm already starting to question what I want really. The three months have NOT shown any improvement on how my W and I deal with each other, no sign of reconciliation, no sign of remorse from her end (she values her work more than her family, not sure if i said that before) the only sign is she is now taking our daughter for granted and I have to fill the void...
In our 6 year of marriage, i've messed up, and given it my all while she just stayed the same, and probably improved a tad bit.
There is one conversation I had with my W I will never forget, I asked her about the "what if's". what if she gets tired of going out with her friends drinking and going home 9AM the next day, what if she gets tired of deleting text messages she sends to that guy while she is beside me,what if she she gets tired of texting someone while we are lying in bed naked after making love, what if after she gets tired in doing all that and I'm gone (either dead or found someone new). You know what her response was? "Thats a consequence I am willing to face for the rest of my life" -- Hows that? How can I ever fix that "don't care attitude"
Yes, I messed up and she is messing up too, should I just be a doormat to her even if were already separated? Or should I choose to be happy....
Don't get me wrong, I am not justifying what I am doing as right, its just that, my W is making/has made everything so difficult. That same woman I cheated with, was the only woman who made me feel special and happy, and I let go of that, because I chose to just to work on my marriage, and what do I get from W? "...I am willing to face that consequence..."
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
It's sweetest thing in Life that thing called LOVE.
so everytime i feel like giving up on LOVE
i read them...
Again, you have only been separated for three months, and you both cheated on your wife and walked out first. You need to wait. Change takes a long time. Sometimes people have overnight or quick realization like you did, but its not common.
The woman you cheated with made you special and happy for a short time. Your wife probably made you happy when first dating too. People get married and then feel a crush on someone else and take it as true love. It's a crush and sex. How did you feel on your honeymoon or the weeks right after you were married or first had sex with your wife?
If you were to marry this other woman, the same thing would happen. Love is a verb first and feeling second. If you emotionally and by your thoughts and actions leave your marriage, of course you will fall out of the feeling of love. Posted via Mobile Device
I know I have been pretty harsh, but I still really hope the best for you.
Proverbs 27:5 Better is open rebuke than hidden love.
I wanted to ask how many months did you cheat on your wife? You said there were several people. You don't have to answer it to anyone but yourself. If you had to wait as many months for your wife as number of months you cheated on her, would you still stick around? Posted via Mobile Device