ReconciliationThis forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.
I am not a professional writer, pastor, or marriage councillor, you will see it with how I write this blog (or post depending on where you read this).
I am just a man, a friend, a son, a father, and more importantly, a husband going through marriage separation. Today is the 43rd day that my wife of almost 6 years (few months short of), finally decided to part ways for good. There was no third party involved, no abuse, no in-law problem. It was just "us" having differences that we failed to work out for the last 6 years. A killer of communication break down has plagued us, and I never saw this coming.
My journey alone these past weeks have been anything but nice. I've tried to have fun, I've tried to find myself, I've tried to meet new people, but it has always been in vain. I have always felt empty. But one thing is for certain, I have made peace with my friends and more importantly, with the Lord. My friends, and some new ones, have been with me all the way. Guiding me and comforting me in this probably, by far, the worst stage of my life. Best of all, this has brought me closer to family, both mine and hers and made me realize what kind of fool I have been to neglect her family all these years. I have not been a good son-in-law and brother-in-law to begin with, but I am making huge improvements on how I deal with my life now that I have been awakened from that bad part of my life.
Yesterday, fathers day 2011, I have decided to move back home to my in-laws, where my wife and daughter are staying. I have been praying long and hard to the Lord for a sign, a sign that I need to fight for this with all my heart, and a sign that this will be all worth the pain. My wife's sister sent me an SMS early morning, saying that my 5year old daughter wrote me a letter for fathers day. I cried for hours, thinking that I have been a fool taking all the time in the world wollowing over the pain, and thinking that things will change on its own.
It was wrong. I needed to decide, I needed to stand up and fight for my marriage. I needed to serve my wife, my daughter, and her family the way I have promised when we got married September 24, 2005. I am not expecting that my wife will welcome me with open arms, on the contrary she gave me that usual cold treatment via SMS when she found out I was staying.
I am expecting that this journey will be the most painful, most heart-breaking and insulting journey I will embark on. But I am ready, for I have DECIDED that my marriage is the most important thing in this world. No pain emotional pain can kill me, but loosing my wife forever would definitely do.
Yesterday's Fathers Day Church Homily (Catholic) hit my heart like a sword: We are not asked to understand, we are asked to Believe. God has a purpose for these things to happen, whether this will make us a better person separately, or will make our marriage the best that it has ever been, one thing is for certain. I do not need to understand why my wife is so cold, and so angry, and so happy that we have been separated. I am asked by the Lord to Believe that His ways, His plans, and His time is always right.
Please check-in again tomorrow as I write these series of blogs/post every weekday until this is finally over, your comments and feedback are more than welcome. I hope that with the help of the internet and this site, I am able to help other people going through the same trouble I am, and find inspiration in each other.
It will be a long journey. I made a similar promise to myself that I vowed for better or worse with my wife. Even when it was VERY hard and I felt like I was being treated like garbage, I gave it 100%. You'll both mess up, hurt eachother, be short with one another, etc, but it is possible to fix things. It does take two people giving it 100%, not 95%.
Best of luck and God bless. Personally, I suggest you read or reread James and 1 Peter. They are short and speak to perseverance.
A few minutes after I posted Day 1, I received an SMS from my wife. I happen to move back in just to be with our daughter, send her off to school in the morning and help with her school work in the afternoon. My wife did not want me back, and threatened to move out if I didn't. I spoke to my in-law and cried my heart out to her. I told my 5yr old daughter that daddy won't be working from her home. She just asked innocently, "is that a joke dad?". A tear fell from my eye as I hugged her tight and made her breakfast.
I guess now isn't the right time. She hates me too much, all for our communication break-down and a lot of people knowing what happened to us. Partly because of me, but also partly because of her Facebook posts and removing my last name from her FB.
Today I decide to be happy, most of the research I made came out as "Improve yourself, dont be needy, dont beg, have fun". I love her, with all my heart, but I can't keep on wallowing over my depression for long. I have already developed Gall Stones one day after we separated, and now it has been worse.
I have given her up to God. She did tell her parents that she went to church to hear mass after work, but told me that no divine intervention will ever change her mind.
I don't think so, God is stronger than anyone and anything in this world. She may have free-will, but I will never stop serving her, my daughter and her family because I know it is the right thing to do.
Maybe I need to move on now, have fun, be with other people. I deserve to be happy, so does she. In time, she will realize that her job isn't as fulfilling without family. She will soon come crashing down, and I will make sure that I will be there to catch her fall.
What you are going through doesn't have too much to do with her job. It might be a catalyst, but the issues where very much there before she got this new job. I very much doubt a crash. Your best hope is to slowly rebuild love over the next 2 years of hard work.
Pray for yourself as much as your wife, you will both have to seriously change for this to work.
If possible, stay in the same house but give you wife miles of space, but make it clear you want to work on this when she is ready. Being in her face and trying to force something before she is ready for it will only harden her position, anger, and heart.
You do need to find happiness in yourself before the r will work. Being sad, mad, or anything else won't help.
She is right that she has free will and has to decide to love you. That will be a very slow process and will only really be possible after she sees a reason to be with you and very slowly works through her anger. Right now she sees little reason to be with you and a whole lot of anger. I agree that serving her and sacrificial love is the only thing you can do right now. Trying to communicate and "fix" stuff won't go well.
Best of luck and God bless Posted via Mobile Device
@ Anx - Thank you for patiently responding to my posts. I am dead-set on reconciling this marriage but I know that this isn't going to be easy at all.
She doesn't want me in their house right now, despite the fact that my in-laws want me to be there. Not sure where to go from here but I wont be able to let her see the changes in me if i'm away. And it kills me that I miss my daughter everyday.
We do text for business reasons, just now, I texted her telling her how much I miss and still truly love her more now that were apart. And said that I will be picking up our daughter this weekend.
The 2 years you mentioned bothers me, I know it will take a while but certainly hope not that long. Dont get me wrong, I will wait and I will remain steadfast on loving her regardless if she reciprocates or not.
I will be going to the mountains next week, there is a church near our area in the Philippines where people have told me they have found peace.
One question I have, how can I make her realize she needs to go into counselling?
I dreamed of her today, and woke up with a smile but an empty feeling. She doesn't really contact me that much, the most was a text every week to ask about stuff concerning either her phone line or money.
I can't really control her happiness, for all I know she is happy where she is right now and not feeling this emptiness at all, while I sit here trying to find what happiness means. I sent her the most heartfelt text I have ever sent: That I am thinking of her, and I love her more. And I hope she can find a space in her heart to forgive me. And that I hate the fact that she has to commute and brave the rain now when she goes to work
Next week, i'll go back to the gym. I haven't been in one since we got married, I guess I focused all my attention to my family and totally forgot about myself.
A friend (the ex I dumped for my wife) has been my confidante and companion since this started. I try to be careful with what happens between us but I must admit things have gotten out of hand lately.
I miss my daughter. Thats what kills me most. She gets to spend all the time with her after work while I can only see her a few hours a week. It kills me, and I dont think I (or we for that matter) is ready to see what impact this will have on her.
I have been frequenting the church lately, before I go to work, and after I go to work. And have asked the Lord for guidance, and more importantly, happiness. So far, it has been in vain. My sadness hasn't improved at all. primarily because I do not know how to live without my family. For the past 6 years, they have been with me. And now, I'm alone.
But God is my saviour, He will give me peace. Happiness I know is a choice, and now its kind of difficult to make a choice while the pain lingers in me.
It will be 2 years till everything is good if it works out. 6 months would be pretty solid improvement and a year you could probably expect fun dates and stuff. It took 6 years to break everything to this point, there won't be a quick fix.
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One question I have, how can I make her realize she needs to go into counselling?
Nothing. Nothing you do can convince or change her mind of anything she is set on. She will have to find that for herself. It sucks A TON. Things coming from you right now mean little to nothing and pushing her in any direction will harden her heart and solidify her position. Prayer is really all you can do along side serving her and your daughter.
The gym is a great idea.
You need to cut contact with your ex. 100 % no contact. There are sample no contact letters online. If not that, then you need to set VERY clear boundaries. You vowed for better or worse. Its the same vow you are hoping your wife will follow. Unless you follow it, there is no hope. If your wife finds out that anything slightly inappropriate went on and you confinded deeply in another woman, its really over. Women are more emotionally driven and if you are finding your emotional connection with an ex its as close to cheating as possible.
The pain and loneliness is killer. I've been there and am there now. I'm on antidepressants and they have helped a ton. You wife is going to feel loneliness, but from what I know, a lot less than you.
This will be the hardest thing you'll ever do. It will be an emotional torturous marathon at times. It will be a mindf*ck. Its worth it if you repair your marriage. Marriages that do repair are some of the happiest. The people now KNOW what the other person is worth and focused on.
a few verses for you that helped me
Philippians 4:4-10
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4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
The command is Rejoice in the Lord always. Not just when things are good.
2 Peter 3:8-9
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8 But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. 9 The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.
Job 1:20-22
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20 At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship 21 and said:
“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
and naked I will depart.[c]
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised.”
22 In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.
Note that he praises God. Its absurdly hard to do where you are at.
Proverbs 3:5-6 (the whole chapter is good)
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5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
Finally, this one called me to serious prayer
Joel 2:12-15 (13-32 is relevant)
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12 “Even now,” declares the LORD,
“return to me with all your heart,
with fasting and weeping and mourning.”
13 Rend your heart
and not your garments.
Return to the LORD your God,
for he is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love,
and he relents from sending calamity.
Also, James and 1 Peter talk a lot about perseverance through hardship. they are short reads and I suggest you read that if you haven't recently.
I wish you the best and God bless. I certainly do not know all the answers, but I'll keep and eye on your posts and am rooting for you. I've learned a lot from reading books, forum posts, prayer, and MC/IC.
You will learn what the patient part of love truly means. In prayer, keep an open ear to God. Listen as much as you talk. So often, in our prayer to change someone else, God points the finger back at your own issues.
You will learn what the patient part of love truly means. In prayer, keep an open ear to God. Listen as much as you talk. So often, in our prayer to change someone else, God points the finger back at your own issues.
This is definitely true sir! I have realized a lot of stuff in my life needs fixing, but the problem is I do not know where and how to start. I hope my solitude in one of the churches in the mountains here in the Philippines would help. I already made plans to go there alone next week.
I guess I am unable to live alone with this problem really, well, at least at this stage. I need someone to be with to get me out of my loneliness, and apparently, my ex has been providing that. I have set clear boundaries like what you said, and so far its turning out OK.
My in-laws, family and everyone of our common friends are all rooting for us to reunite, but I guess her heart is so hardened right now that none of it matters to her. She did respond to the text I posted above with: "Dont keep pushing what is not possible. Being pushy only makes things worse."
With that, here is how I analyze it: She doesn't want to fix this so back off (is that a pretty fair assumption?)
Thank you for keeping an eye for my post, I do not intend to stop posting our story and my/our progress at all. I intend to inspire others just like you.
I guess my million-dollar question is: How can a hardened heart be opened? Sacrificial love? Unconditional Love? Space? Time? Understanding? Change on my part?
I have read your biography, how I wish I have at least some of your progress. But I guess its too early to see that in my relationship. Its only been 2 months. Im looking forward to the time we go out on dates though, I know by that time she will slowly see a different me...
I have realized a lot of stuff in my life needs fixing, but the problem is I do not know where and how to start.
Books, and MC/IC, and prayer like you've never prayed before, and an open heart towards God. He is the great counselor and the only one that can counsel you and your wife back together.
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I need someone to be with to get me out of my loneliness, and apparently, my ex has been providing that.
I know what you mean. I really didn't understand HOW much I needed that companionship with my wife. It hurts. Its physically painful to be alone from the people you love.
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but I guess her heart is so hardened right now that none of it matters to her. She did respond to the text I posted above with: "Dont keep pushing what is not possible. Being pushy only makes things worse."
With that, here is how I analyze it: She doesn't want to fix this so back off (is that a pretty fair assumption?)
Not doesn't matter. It does matter, but the timeline is much longer than you want it to be. You had a very quick realization in the past two months. The one your wife would potentially have till take a lot longer than that. She has a lot of hurt to work through, and that takes a lot more time. She is right. You cannot push towards this. Again, it will only harden her heart more. Only God can bring her back, and his ways are not our own. It will take a lot of time. You need to pray for him to help. Yes, your assumption is right. Give her TONS of space. Until she decides she wants to work on it, you are only hurting things by pushing.
You said in another post that she txted you that God can make impossible love happen. She is right. You cannot do that or force that, only God can. Wait for him while you honor your covenant with your wife.
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I guess my million-dollar question is: How can a hardened heart be opened? Sacrificial love? Unconditional Love? Space? Time? Understanding? Change on my part?
Yes, you have it right, all of these.
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Its only been 2 months. Im looking forward to the time we go out on dates though, I know by that time she will slowly see a different me...
Its been even less time that you've reconnected and said you wanted to fix these things.
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How can women's heart be so hardened if we didn't have a "hell" relationship? No abuse, no nothing. Its just lack of communication and "she just got tired of me"...
Is the cliche still true that she doesnt mean everything that she says and her pride and selfishness is getting the better of her?
You said this in another post. Without abuse and cheating, the only thing left is emotions. Emotions drive a woman. They are her life and how she sees the world. Look up emotional abuse, and even if you didn't intend to do any of those things, its how its received on the other end that matters.
God Bless and best of luck. I really thing the best thing you can do is be open to a relationship, but NOT PUSHY AT ALL. Not even the hint of pushy. I know with all the hurt that's almost impossible. The hurt pushes you and you in turn want to say or do something to fix this as fast as possible. Wait for her. Tell her that when or if she is ready you'll do whatever it takes. You can start MC or IC too and that may help her slowly open up. I highly suggest it anyways because you will need it for either this relationship or your next one. Truly figure out what the issues were and how to do it better. Serve your wife and daughter. Wait for God. Pray hard like you've never prayed before.
Finally, I found this gem in Isaiah 57:14-21
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14 And it will be said:
“Build up, build up, prepare the road!
Remove the obstacles out of the way of my people.”
15 For this is what the high and exalted One says—
he who lives forever, whose name is holy:
“I live in a high and holy place,
but also with the one who is contrite and lowly in spirit,
to revive the spirit of the lowly
and to revive the heart of the contrite.
16 I will not accuse them forever,
nor will I always be angry,
for then they would faint away because of me—
the very people I have created.
17 I was enraged by their sinful greed;
I punished them, and hid my face in anger,
yet they kept on in their willful ways.
18 I have seen their ways, but I will heal them;
I will guide them and restore comfort to Israel’s mourners,
19 creating praise on their lips.
Peace, peace, to those far and near,”
says the LORD. “And I will heal them.”
20 But the wicked are like the tossing sea,
which cannot rest,
whose waves cast up mire and mud.
21 “There is no peace,” says my God, “for the wicked.”
Contrite means repentant. Make your heart repentant and lowly and only then will you be able to change into the man that your wife can love. An arrogant or angry heart cannot learn. Pray for yourself as much or more than for your wife.
ANX has some really good advice here, CISCO. I would add one thing: Go out and get "How to Win Your Wife Back Before It's Too Late" by Gary Smalley. God heals marriages in years, not months or days. You have to be willing to let her go so God can work in her. She has to become broken so HE can clean her out and rebuild her. The brokenness takes a lot of time, and you have nothing to do with it. The two terms you should really seek to understand are "servant leadership" and "death to self".
Read Romans 6 1:7 every day and meditate on it. Sit on it and listen for the voice of God. You MUST be changed. Don't hide ANY rooms in your heart!
Pray, pray, pray, for her to die to her flesh. To die to herself that she may walk in the resurrection. Pray this for BOTH of you. LET GO OF THE EX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Find a male mentor to help encourage you when things get tough.
You said in another post that she txted you that God can make impossible love happen
What she said was not even divine intervention can do anything to fix this. She said that after she went to church, not sure what she prayed for or why she was there. But I guess that is between her and God... that I have to respect.
Avoiding being pushy is kinda hard, I'm sure you know that. But we have made good improvements in the last month. She no longer says hurtful things to me. Probably because I backed off a little. Its just our finances that is troubling me now. I am already living beyond my means since im paying for all of our kids expenses and her salary is all for her to spend where ever she wants to. I would have sacrificed that anytime, but I could not sustain my finances anymore and had to ask her to reconsider the split in expenses. She hasnt replied yet, well see how that goes.
@Dedicated - Thanks for jumping in here as well. I have been praying like I never had in the past 11 years (I did have my problems with God when my Mom died 11 years ago, but have asked for His forgiveness).
When I do pray, I thank the Lord for giving me this problem, for me to realize that I am broken and I need to get fixed.
I have been saying this to myself since this started: In the silence of my heart, God speaks. I've had numerous realizations myself when I'm alone. I'm also going into IC, with a priest and with an MC to get me by...
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You have to be willing to let her go so God can work in her. She has to become broken so HE can clean her out and rebuild her.
Thanks for saying this, a lot of my friends have been saying this to me too.
@Dedicated - Thanks for jumping in here as well. I have been praying like I never had in the past 11 years (I did have my problems with God when my Mom died 11 years ago, but have asked for His forgiveness).
Are you speaking the whole time during prayer time, or are you quiet? What percentage of the time are you listening for the voice of God and what percentage are you telling him things?
You need to listen to God in prayer. You suggested you do this. Keep it up. God whispers to us. Meditate on him and his word. Be open to his leading and not your will. Very rarely does God give us a giant sign or yell at us. There are many examples of this in the bible. The people he does give large signs to like Paul suffer greatly for their faith and need huge signs to carry them through their ministry.
We are given free will and God respects that in a way and allows us to ignore his whispers and make our own mistakes. Faith requires a quite heart open to God empty of selfish wills. Faith is hard. Human will is to fulfill selfish desires. Gods will often for us to serve others and put yourself second. It wouldn't be faith if it we didn't have to purposefully quite yourself and listen. Posted via Mobile Device
My Journey Towards Marriage Reconciliation 
