Any 180 success stories???? - Page 10 - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #136 of 309 (permalink) Old 09-10-2012, 04:37 PM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

She still saying doesnt know about the 3onths to me - its just her solicitor knows nothing about it. I've still not had the paperwork, just her soliciuotr said she pressing on with it as far as she knows.I really dont want the divorce as I cant see any problems we have had being a problem in the future. Im a mess at the min, she as managed to make feel guilty for all this - which i did cause the problem, but i do feel we could have sorted but she decided walk out so for that part i do blame her and so do the kids.

The problem we had as gone - just she says she doesnt love me and cant see it changing and not willing to work at it. My daft hope is that she said that for 4months last time then came back ????

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post #137 of 309 (permalink) Old 09-10-2012, 05:02 PM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

She just txtd me tell me she as booked a holiday for her and the kids and wants me talk my oldest into going with her. Strange how she suddenly got money for it, which is expensive, when been crying poverty to me for the last 2 months
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post #138 of 309 (permalink) Old 09-11-2012, 05:27 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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Originally Posted by Rough Patch Sewing View Post
I am not against the 180 plan. I think that it is prudent now that 36Separated knows that his wife is being manipulative and destroying the marriage for selfish reasons.

I know that it is a set of rules to follow in order to play reverse psychology on a mate who is spitefully treating someone. However, I do not advise on using a false facade of confidence and strength when in fact you are an emotional mess.

If the marriage gets back together, how can anyone with integrity not reveal the charade that was used to get the marriage back on course. The 180 is pragmatic, in that it has the ability to work, however, I would say that it is not wise to show your true feelings to a belligerent spouse bent on ruining everything for their own selfish reasons or to hold on to an affair.

If you do influence him or her. You can with integrity say that you did not show your true feelings because it was not safe to do so. That is prudent.

Detaching sometimes is necessary. I think it prudent to detach in a situation as this. However, I have been encouraging 36Separated to have understanding. Now he understands to some degree what is going on. Hey drew it out of her.

In his situation it seems wise to detach since he needs to detach from her selfishness and those who are manipulating her.

I encourage him to realize the true value of who he is as a person and the true value of who she is as a person. I encourage him to have strong character and be a better, honorable, and integrity filled man.

If for some reason I have misinterpreted Michelle Wiener Davis' list of behaviors for the 180 plan... than it is because I might be reading into what the behaviors really mean. However, I do not know how you can retain integrity while doing it - and how you can truthfully explain your actions to your spouse if it does make him or her come to his or her senses.

Without living with real character - how can a real relationship be established?

Perhaps it is best to do the 180 plan on a short term basis. You have to be able to look your reconciled partner in the eyes and tell them that you really had those inclinations for detachment - feelings that if faked would make your spouse resentful if the truth were known.
Doing the 180 for just an R, could end in just the way you describe. Doing the 180 for yourself is ALWAYS a success! It turns you into a stronger, more self aware person.
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post #139 of 309 (permalink) Old 09-11-2012, 05:04 PM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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She just txtd me tell me she as booked a holiday for her and the kids and wants me talk my oldest into going with her. Strange how she suddenly got money for it, which is expensive, when been crying poverty to me for the last 2 months
Any chance she is being bank-rolled by family, or friends even for cutting things off with you?

Just a thought. Is she capable of that? Is there more than meets the eye here?

Don't be paranoid, be prudent and consider alternative possibilities, see if they pan out or not.

Still hoping the best for you 36Separated.

RP.

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post #140 of 309 (permalink) Old 09-11-2012, 05:47 PM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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Doing the 180 for just an R, could end in just the way you describe. Doing the 180 for yourself is ALWAYS a success! It turns you into a stronger, more self aware person.
Sbrown,

What do you mean when you say reconciliation? I am assuming "R" stands for reconciliation. If I am wrong about the meaning of "R", then please would you say what you mean by that "R" word?

For that matter, what does a relationship mean to you?

What does intimacy mean to you?

I will try my best to answer any questions you have for me. It is good to understand what each of us means when we communicate something. Perhaps that will help us better relate if you so wish. And, perhaps help this thread become more synergistic

RP.

Want to discover how to build relationship trust with your wife, and romance your wife back into your arms?
7 Marriage Saving Husband Habits ,
3 secrets to an intimate marriage, 5 ways to keep her attracted to you

Last edited by Rough Patch Sewing; 09-11-2012 at 09:17 PM. Reason: grammar
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post #141 of 309 (permalink) Old 09-12-2012, 05:48 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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Sbrown,

What do you mean when you say reconciliation? I am assuming "R" stands for reconciliation. If I am wrong about the meaning of "R", then please would you say what you mean by that "R" word?

For that matter, what does a relationship mean to you?

What does intimacy mean to you?

I will try my best to answer any questions you have for me. It is good to understand what each of us means when we communicate something. Perhaps that will help us better relate if you so wish. And, perhaps help this thread become more synergistic

RP.
Yes, R on TAM usually means reconciliation.

Sorry Doc, I'm not laying on your couch.
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post #142 of 309 (permalink) Old 09-12-2012, 08:40 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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Yes, R on TAM usually means reconciliation.

Sorry Doc, I'm not laying on your couch.
Sbrown,

I can respect that!

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post #143 of 309 (permalink) Old 09-12-2012, 11:14 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

36Separated,

I'll have a go at the meaning of reconciliation.

When it comes to marriage, it (reconciliation) means to incrementally return to the intimacy, or closeness of the marriage. Intimacy is closeness that shares the true soul of each other with one another.

Intimacy involves vulnerability. Vulnerability involves risk. Risk has the potential for devastating pain. There is also the potential for overwhelming joy, affection, and happiness.

That is where trust comes in. If trust is strongly present in your Relationship, then there is safety in vulnerability.

The hard thing is that many spouses have learned to put walls up in order to protect themselves.

In this "dog-eat-dog" world where fighting tooth and claw preserves you against the next guy who only wants to crush you on his (selfish) way to the top, or it just is not safe to bare your soul to others - we learn to pretend we are strong, when we are just trying to preserve ourselves.

Most of us have been put-down, made fun of, spitefully used, abandoned, and/or manipulated. At one time or another, in some degree these ills have befallen us.

Competition can create toughness and contests of wills.

These are part of life. An intimate marriage is not absolutely free of these challenges, or free of conflict. But, there is trust enough to navigate these challenges safely... handle conflict with cooperation to come to resolution. Reconciliation back to a place of safety and understanding.

There is more to reconciling than forgiveness and apologizing. It means bringing two people closer together once again. It means to resolve differences by doing what ever it takes to remove the source and root of problems.

And, it means acceptance of who they are as a person. There is safety in acceptance if the other person has genuine intentions.

Promising to change, begging for a second chance, all the apologies in the world do not restore trust. Working towards understanding each other and having workable safety within a relationship will bring reconciliation.

36Separated, you seem like you are a safe enough person in all this. At this point, she does not seem safe.

I hope the best for you! You may not be able make her safe. She may be in it for herself without the willingness to reconcile.

If that is the case, be civil, respectful, and minimize the damage she may bring about. I hope that you will come out of this a stronger, character filled man.

RP.

RP.

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post #144 of 309 (permalink) Old 09-12-2012, 03:20 PM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

Very odd. SHe now wants me to talk to my son and explain its joint choice to split up as he blames her. Todays my birthday and she has bought me pressies, cards and cake from the kids and been all friendly again - even asked if i want all the kids why its my birthday - not i have found out shes gone out
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post #145 of 309 (permalink) Old 09-12-2012, 09:11 PM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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Very odd. SHe now wants me to talk to my son and explain its joint choice to split up as he blames her. Todays my birthday and she has bought me pressies, cards and cake from the kids and been all friendly again - even asked if i want all the kids why its my birthday - not i have found out shes gone out
Happy Birthday!

I feel for you though! Do you think her friendliness was an act given the fact that she used it as a way to get out?

RP.


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post #146 of 309 (permalink) Old 09-13-2012, 11:06 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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Happy Birthday!

I feel for you though! Do you think her friendliness was an act given the fact that she used it as a way to get out?

RP.
I don't feel the friendiness yesterday was to get the night out - i do believe it was bescause it was my birthday and in some way she felt sorry for me (as bad as that sounds)

Took the kids home this morning and we spoke for around an hour - pretty similar to before... she believes i have changed for the better, she knows i would treat her right, we went over some of the wrongs i have done and she told me she can see im better now, but again she has lost the love and doesnt think it will come back, she is still saying she will give it time and see in a month or two if she is willing to spend any time with me. She seemed alot closer today, she said she had been thinking about it all. She wasnt in a rush for me to leave and i hugged when leaving and she didnt pull away.

I just dont wanna see hope where there is none
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post #147 of 309 (permalink) Old 09-13-2012, 05:58 PM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

Well after al the lies - got the divorce papers when got home from work, so thats the last i ever contact her
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post #148 of 309 (permalink) Old 09-13-2012, 06:53 PM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

36Separated,

I feel for you.

Want to discover how to build relationship trust with your wife, and romance your wife back into your arms?
7 Marriage Saving Husband Habits ,
3 secrets to an intimate marriage, 5 ways to keep her attracted to you

Last edited by Rough Patch Sewing; 09-13-2012 at 06:55 PM. Reason: grammar
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post #149 of 309 (permalink) Old 09-13-2012, 10:48 PM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

went to see her when got the papers - its all been lies - she wanted to divorce me all along, just kept me sweet. She also wants me have the kids 3 times a week as wants to live the single life, she only been having kids so much when we were togther so didnt have spend time with me, now she just wants the single life. Not sure if there is someone else too now
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post #150 of 309 (permalink) Old 09-16-2012, 07:03 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

Ok guys... how do i play this from here on. The divorce is going to happen, but I have 3 children that i see most days, even after all she has done I still love her and want her even tho i know that wont happen. When I start to talk to her i end up saying how sorry i am etc etc... and this is pointless. Do I keep all contact to a min for the kids? Do try to engage in friendly chat as i think us being friends is the best for the future. Do I give as good as I get with all the nasty things she says? Is there any way back at all from all of this?
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