Any 180 success stories???? - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #31 of 309 (permalink) Old 06-09-2012, 08:01 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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Originally Posted by Thruhellandback View Post
There's a lot here that resonates for me. When I became stronger and clearer about my needs and stopped thinking that I could fix things....We started to reconnect. Not romantically at first but on a basic human/friendship respect level. Then came the possibility of seeing the other romantically. It was tough because he needed lots of time and compassion for the sh%t storm of emotions he had to sort through because of my affair but we made it.
Now our relationship is stronger, more honest, no more biting the inside of the cheek because it's just toomuch work to talk things through....it's harder, more work but much more real. I'm so grateful to have been afforded a chance to find him again. and I am very fortunate that he has been able to overcome the feelings of betrayal and reconnect with me. We both wanted to come together again very badly and both left our egos at the door to do so. Reconciling takes compassion for each other's pain, understanding for each other's needs, and humility to accept our share of the road that lead to the dysfunction in the first place.
So, he did the 180 on you?

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post #32 of 309 (permalink) Old 06-09-2012, 08:34 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

FWIW, my STBXW has pulled an almost perfect 180 on me, after I initiated our separation. It hasn't made me want to go back to her in the last 17 months. In fact, if anything it's made things easier on me, because there hasn't been any emotional dramas.

I don't believe my wife is doing the 180 "knowingly"; it's just how things have evolved. And I really do hope it's working well for her as well, as I have no animosity towards her.all I'm saying is not to count on it to make a difference in your spouse's reactions. I would hazard a guess that's it's especially non-effective if your spouse is an independent person, and if they've got someone else to fill their emotional needs.

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post #33 of 309 (permalink) Old 06-09-2012, 09:03 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

I didn't do a real 180 because I kicked her out on DDay. But I did go completely dark and that helped me disconnect. I followed the self improvement parts of the 180, lost weight, looked to my own needs and that helped me tremendously.
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post #34 of 309 (permalink) Old 06-09-2012, 09:25 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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I didn't do a real 180 because I kicked her out on DDay. But I did go completely dark and that helped me disconnect. I followed the self improvement parts of the 180, lost weight, looked to my own needs and that helped me tremendously.
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I agree, going dark is about the best thing you can do, then hit the gym and have a look at all the activities you used to love, but dropped for whatever reason after your marriage. It's worked great for me.

It hasn't done anything to resolve whatever her issues were with me, but as you heal you get to the point you really don't give a Sh*t anymore, especially if you meet someone else like your Gym manager Bandit ;~)
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post #35 of 309 (permalink) Old 06-09-2012, 09:40 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

Yeah. One thing the 180 does is it focuses your mind and helps you look at things more objectively. It helps you detach from the emotions of the moment, step back and see the big picture.
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post #36 of 309 (permalink) Old 06-13-2012, 09:07 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

Could someone please post the link/article to the 180? Thank You!
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post #37 of 309 (permalink) Old 06-13-2012, 09:45 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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My wife of 10+ years told me this weekend she wants a divorce. I had the typical distraught, whiney, emotional, generally pathetic response. I pleaded, tried to reason, talked about the kids, etc. Stonefaced response from the W. With the help of this site, I have decided to go 100% on the 180 plan. I understand that this helps re-establish my sense of self. My confidence. My positive vision of the future. I get that and it's very important. Issue is, I really want my wife to snap out of funk and try to work on our marriage. I don't want to lose my family because my wife it not rational right now.

The question is......Has anyone had legitimate success in saving their marriage by using the 180 approach????
How is she being irrational?
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post #38 of 309 (permalink) Old 07-01-2012, 12:33 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

what are the problems in your relationship? does she feel neglected or unloved? if that's the case, 180 will not help! if reccomend you read the 5 languages of love. that may help you figure out what type of love she needs. maybe try giving her space and fixing yourself, but also perform random acts of kindness. write down a list of all the things you love and apprieciate about her and put it on her drivers seat of her car. do things you know will make her happy a few times a week with no expectation of anything in return.
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post #39 of 309 (permalink) Old 07-15-2012, 02:53 PM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

I believe I did the 180 without ever having read it. When I found out my H of 16 years was having an affair with a woman he worked with it hit me like a ton of bricks!!! I fell apart for about 2 weeks. I immediately asked him to leave so I could have some time to absorb this whole thing and I was barely functional for the first 2 weeks but then I took a good look at what it was doing to my children and decided to make a life for us regardless of what was to come of my marriage. I had very little contact with my H and I focused solely on me and my children. I lost 40 pounds ( looked better than I had in 10 years), moved to a new home much nicer than the one we lived in, grew my business to a new level that made it possible to support myself and the children on my own and most of all acted extremely confident when he came around to see the children. I did none of this for his benefit - I did it all for ME!!! We lived apart for 9 months. We have since R and allthough after 18 months i'm still not sure we will ever be the same I have to say I am a much more confident, self sufficient woman. I know this isn't necessarily a success story concerning the marriage but it is a success story concerning me as an individual and I think that anyone who goes through this type of situation should take the opportunity to find themselves and make the necessary changes to make yourself a better person. In the end you can't change someone else you can only better yourself
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post #40 of 309 (permalink) Old 07-15-2012, 10:02 PM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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I believe I did the 180 without ever having read it. When I found out my H of 16 years was having an affair with a woman he worked with it hit me like a ton of bricks!!! I fell apart for about 2 weeks. I immediately asked him to leave so I could have some time to absorb this whole thing and I was barely functional for the first 2 weeks but then I took a good look at what it was doing to my children and decided to make a life for us regardless of what was to come of my marriage. I had very little contact with my H and I focused solely on me and my children. I lost 40 pounds ( looked better than I had in 10 years), moved to a new home much nicer than the one we lived in, grew my business to a new level that made it possible to support myself and the children on my own and most of all acted extremely confident when he came around to see the children. I did none of this for his benefit - I did it all for ME!!! We lived apart for 9 months. We have since R and allthough after 18 months i'm still not sure we will ever be the same I have to say I am a much more confident, self sufficient woman. I know this isn't necessarily a success story concerning the marriage but it is a success story concerning me as an individual and I think that anyone who goes through this type of situation should take the opportunity to find themselves and make the necessary changes to make yourself a better person. In the end you can't change someone else you can only better yourself
I like what you choose to do for yourself.

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post #41 of 309 (permalink) Old 07-23-2012, 10:35 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

180 has helped me alot. i found the strong independant person i used to be. nc also helped me alot. it had been so long since i put myself first! when i first started this, i was doing it to win him back, but after a little while i realized i was doing it for me. i don't want to "win" anybody. i want to love and respect myself and if in that process we R, then awesome. if not, his loss.
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post #42 of 309 (permalink) Old 08-05-2012, 12:23 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

The 180 plan seems like a way to put a sudden hindrance to "sabotage behavior" within the marriage.

This kind of emotionalism works against efforts to come to resolution and understanding within the marriage. It is a tactic used to bring dissolution "to a head" in the relationship by a dissatisfied and perhaps fed up marriage partner.

In the "Art of War" this is described the following way: "Where local interests fight among themselves on their own territory, this is called a ground of dissolution."

Becoming emotionally "empty" in the face of emotionally "full" attack, the Art of War could be said to advice the following in which the '180 plan' may correlate:

"So in the case of those who are skilled in attack, their opponents do not know where to defend. In the case of those skilled in defense, their opponents do not know where to attack.

Be extremely subtle, even to the point of formlessness. Be extremely mysterious, even to the point of soundlessness. Thereby you can be the director of the opponent's fate."

And...

"When you do not want to do battle, even if you draw a line on the ground to hold, the opponent cannot fight with you because you set him off on the wrong track.

Therefore when you induce others to construct a formation while you yourself are formless, then you are concentrated while the opponent is divided.

When you are concentrated into one while the opponent is divided into ten, you are attack at a concentration of ten to one, so you outnumber the opponent."

And...

"Your battleground is not to be known, for when it cannot be known, the enemy makes many guard outposts, and since multiple outposts are established, you only have to do battle with small squads."

I have decided that "stonewalling" as a means of causing your attacking spouse to "guess" where you are coming from for a time may be a good tactic. Stonewalling emotionally, drawing a line in the sand, and walking away brought my fiance and myself to a place where emotional craziness in our relationship was halted. After that time of separation we could come back together free from internal sabotage.

It was one of the things that saved our relationship... even before we got married.

I do not know if a comparison to the "Art of War" is needed here, but understanding conflict strategy from it might be helpful to someone.

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Last edited by Rough Patch Sewing; 08-05-2012 at 12:25 AM. Reason: grammar
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post #43 of 309 (permalink) Old 08-09-2012, 02:48 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

After posting about the 180 plan a few days ago, the following popped in my head.

I wonder if the 180 plan has a backfire caveat. I am sure that if someone is to use this technique well, then he or she must:
  1. Have a real sense of self-respect, not just an over compensating complex.
  2. Have something that they can appeal to from the past, ie, invested in the marriage already and is sincerely wanting to own up to his or her part of the problems of the marriage.
  3. Have a real/sincere desire to be "All In" if his or her spouse does go for the bait and attempts to work on the relationship with the 180 performing spouse.

I think that truly not having these prerequisites firmly established before attempting the 180 plan could be dangerous! If there is a crack in the system then the problems may just worsen.

A thought from a concerned contributor.

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post #44 of 309 (permalink) Old 08-09-2012, 06:11 PM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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Originally Posted by Rough Patch Sewing View Post

I wonder if the 180 plan has a backfire caveat. I am sure that if someone is to use this technique well, then he or she must:

Have a real sense of self-respect, not just an over compensating complex...
I want to add an additional comment in regards to what I said about self respect. It is very possible that a weakened sense of self respect may be rebuilt if following the 180 plan works for the betterment of all involved. A restored marriage due to standing up and drawing a line in the sand could be a good way to build one's self-esteem.

Therefore, I would recommend having moral support and good advice as a support in this 180 plan.

All the Best!

Want to discover how to build relationship trust with your wife, and romance your wife back into your arms?
7 Marriage Saving Husband Habits ,
3 secrets to an intimate marriage, 5 ways to keep her attracted to you
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post #45 of 309 (permalink) Old 08-13-2012, 09:45 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

IS the 180 for the spouse that isn't happy? I'm trying it to try and show her im a better perosn in the hope one day she will come back
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