It might confuse her at first. Just keep it up. It is more for you than her!
36 Seperated, Sbrown is right! At this point it is more for you than for her, because you are the one trying to make things right and get her back. Right?
Is this WWIII or a being at odds with a lot on the line, family, kids, happiness without the added baggage of an ex in the background, financial burden, etc...
Be sure of what it is that you are facing and what you ultimately want. If you want to get her back it has to ultimately be about the "us" that she doesn't want to talk about. That means you need to consider her and what is good for her too!
She might have declared war on you, but that is not what I get from how you describe the way she is reacting. To me, it seems that she is angry, fed up and confused.
If she just wants to destroy you then that is something different.
Perhaps the only way to know is to talk to someone close to her and close to both of you.
Note, you may want to wait a few weeks to do something like what I am suggesting. It may backfire. Choose wisely about doing this, but if you need this, then it may be worth the risk. It could really help. It has always worked for me, but we have different situations.
Is there anybody who you can go to who will be frank, candid, and not take sides?
Even if it is her family, make it clear that you just want to understand her and make things better.
Make it clear that you are not trying to be sneaky. You need help and this is the best way to get it if you can't talk directly to your wife. Let the person you will be asking for help know that they can decide to tell your wife about the "talk", but make it clear to them that you are trying to gain understanding...
Not turn any one against her.
Ask them to tell her that you asked them, so there are no surprises.
In fact, make sure that if the "talk" goes into a bad direction, like an argument, gossip, bad talking, playing sides, etc. respectfully end the "talk".
In fact, it is best to only have two questions ready.
Can you help me understand who my wife is as a person better?
How can I become the man she needs me to be in your opinion?
That is the best approach!
If things go wrong. Be the first to admit it to your wife... just like it is recommended. "I want to understand you better, but can't go to you just yet... I still want to give you space.
This is my advice. Please let me know if you are considering taking this advice first, and I will make sure my psych med wife will give her "two cents worth" too.
Be very careful. If you do not think it will work, then you are probably right. The situation may just be too sensitive at the moment to try this.
Remember, the best way to win is not mutually assured destruction, but rather as the "art of war" puts it, understand your opponent strongly so you are not battling on "deadly ground", but only on "heavy ground." It is the best way to win. It may be a war, but you will win without casualties.
Hoping or the best.