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post #46 of 309 (permalink) Old 08-13-2012, 10:12 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

I did the 180 in my last d without knowing it. Did it win her back? No but it made her regret her decision. By the time she wanted to R I was done and had decided to move on. I remember telling her that she better think long and hard about her decision because she would want me back and it would be to late. She flipped out and called me an arrogant SOB I just laughed at her. IMO the 180 is for you more than R the marriage. It reminds you that you can survive without them and I had so many women notice my new attitude and appearance that my ex faded fast. It does sometimes remind the stbx of what a catch you are and can help with r. But to do the 180 for them would never work you must do it for yourself.
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post #47 of 309 (permalink) Old 08-13-2012, 10:13 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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I did the 180 in my last d without knowing it. Did it win her back? No but it made her regret her decision. By the time she wanted to R I was done and had decided to move on. I remember telling her that she better think long and hard about her decision because she would want me back and it would be to late. She flipped out and called me an arrogant SOB I just laughed at her. IMO the 180 is for you more than R the marriage. It reminds you that you can survive without them and I had so many women notice my new attitude and appearance that my ex faded fast. It does sometimes remind the stbx of what a catch you are and can help with r. But to do the 180 for them would never work you must do it for yourself.
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Thank you. So it's not soley for the one that wants out. It feels like she is doing a 180 to me, she has changed so much in 4weeks
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post #48 of 309 (permalink) Old 08-14-2012, 05:42 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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Thank you. So it's not soley for the one that wants out. It feels like she is doing a 180 to me, she has changed so much in 4weeks
Are you "chasing" her?
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post #49 of 309 (permalink) Old 08-14-2012, 09:02 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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Are you "chasing" her?
I was - i'm now trying to give her space, but i see her everyday for the kids
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post #50 of 309 (permalink) Old 08-17-2012, 01:54 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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I was - i'm now trying to give her space, but i see her everyday for the kids
36Seperated, giving her space is good. It sounds to me that you "love" her, even though things may have gone wrong in the past.

You have a forced situation where both of you have to be together for the kids. Man Up, even if all you can do is the 180 plan when you see her.

Give her the space to think this split through, while having a strengthened self respect displayed around her. It is a great thing to do.

Using the 180 plan, while "being straightforward" with your ex or soon to be ex about your dissatisfaction about her negative actions toward you is important too.

You want her to know that you are not a doormat. Make it clear that she cannot come running back to you if she doesn't try to be sorry for her part in the break up.

Also, make it clear that she cannot come running back to you if things don't work out for her.

I think that since you really want to get back together, don't sabotage it by "getting even" by shutting her out if she wants you back. Just stand up like the man that you are. That is attractive to women. This is worth repeating, do not permit her to come back to you until she has at least come clean to you about any "real reasons" why she wanted out... And, you are sure that she means to fix those things.

You have to have clear boundaries and conditions in place before taking her back. Think back to the hurtful things she did, anything that she has not asked forgiveness for, or is thoughtless about. Also, determine what things she did to sabotage the relationship. Have clear ultimatums in mind before taking her back.

Then, I would suggest helping her any way that you can to reach a goal of becoming more of the women your marriage needs.

If you have been any part of the problem within the break-up, then own up to it too. A real man takes responsibility for his actions. Get those things taken care of too.

If both of you want to work on each of your faults in the break-up, then that is great. Make sure both she and yourself are "all in" for the reconciliation steps and/or counseling that will be needed. Not taking care of business is a recipe for going through this again.

You have it in you to do this. You had it in you in the first place when both of you got together. Reach down deep and become a better man. Don't defeat the purpose of your desire to make the relationship work by letting ego games get in the way.

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post #51 of 309 (permalink) Old 08-17-2012, 02:58 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

Thank you Rough Patch Sewing.
Up date on whats happend since last post. I saw her wednesday and again treated me like sh*t, angry shouting etc.
So later that night I texted her telling her i wasn't going to continue to allow her to treat me that way and if she cant get on with me i will only see the kids on the days we have arranged and i wont get out the car. Yesterday we spoke over the phone and she agreed to try to be friends, but doesn't want any of the past or 'us' bringing up, she also said she doesn't know if she can get over what has happend.[i see this as her questioning herself?] Since the call I saw her 3 times, each time she got on with me and invited me in her home. There is def tention when we are being friendly, but do i take her at her word and just go with it? or this this an act?
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post #52 of 309 (permalink) Old 08-20-2012, 02:32 PM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

36Seperated,

Definately take your wife at her word concerning being freindly, but no "us"!

As a husband, it is critical to understand this general fact about women. They have a need to "feel" as well as think things through when they are confused, angry, or fed up.

Many long hours talking to my wife who is a psyche nurse has brought this to my understanding. I want to share the keys to making the best of this secret with you.

To make it clear, your wife is obviously in a tornado of emotions right now. Go to her and be up front about this one thing - be absolutely resolute:
  1. Tell her that you want to give her all the space she needs to process all of her emotions about (insert the big thing that caused the separation).
  2. Then own up to everything that you did to make that one "bad thing" happen.
  3. Tell her how much you regret, x,y, and z and that you are sorry for x,y, and z.
  4. Tell her you are sorry for what you did to hurt her and the marriage.
  5. Make it clear that you will do what is necessary to give her all of the respect needed to think and feel through this.
  6. Do not tell her that you are going to become a better man, thinner, more in shape, etc.... Let her figure that out for herself!
  7. Establish a means for her to contact you when and if she is ready to work things out with you.

This is a good start. You can read more about how to handle these situations in my articles: Marriage In Crisis! , and 5 Powerful Ways to Make Getting Back Together Possible for You!. These articles provides advice that should fit your situation and can give insight into "her world."

If things work out better and quicker for you than expect then check out the link in my signature titled, "How to Make My Wife Want Me."

Please post again if possible, I want to know how your efforts to save your marriage are progressing... even if they do not progress for a long while I still want to know.

Also, I do want to help you further... these recommendations work not just for saving a separated marriage. They work in key times of conflict between husbands and wives.

If you get discouraged, please consider letting me know... In any case make sure that you have "Positive" men who are good friends who can help you through this as well. If they have been in the same situation and won their wives back then they will be invaluable to you in your efforts.


Hoping for the Best!

RP

Want to discover how to build relationship trust with your wife, and romance your wife back into your arms?
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Last edited by Rough Patch Sewing; 08-20-2012 at 04:20 PM.
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post #53 of 309 (permalink) Old 08-21-2012, 05:03 PM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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Originally Posted by Rough Patch Sewing View Post
36Seperated,

Definately take your wife at her word concerning being freindly, but no "us"!

As a husband, it is critical to understand this general fact about women. They have a need to "feel" as well as think things through when they are confused, angry, or fed up.

Many long hours talking to my wife who is a psyche nurse has brought this to my understanding. I want to share the keys to making the best of this secret with you.

To make it clear, your wife is obviously in a tornado of emotions right now. Go to her and be up front about this one thing - be absolutely resolute:
  1. Tell her that you want to give her all the space she needs to process all of her emotions about (insert the big thing that caused the separation).
  2. Then own up to everything that you did to make that one "bad thing" happen.
  3. Tell her how much you regret, x,y, and z and that you are sorry for x,y, and z.
  4. Tell her you are sorry for what you did to hurt her and the marriage.
  5. Make it clear that you will do what is necessary to give her all of the respect needed to think and feel through this.
  6. Do not tell her that you are going to become a better man, thinner, more in shape, etc.... Let her figure that out for herself!
  7. Establish a means for her to contact you when and if she is ready to work things out with you.

This is a good start. You can read more about how to handle these situations in my articles: Marriage In Crisis! , and 5 Powerful Ways to Make Getting Back Together Possible for You!. These articles provides advice that should fit your situation and can give insight into "her world."

If things work out better and quicker for you than expect then check out the link in my signature titled, "How to Make My Wife Want Me."

Please post again if possible, I want to know how your efforts to save your marriage are progressing... even if they do not progress for a long while I still want to know.

Also, I do want to help you further... these recommendations work not just for saving a separated marriage. They work in key times of conflict between husbands and wives.

If you get discouraged, please consider letting me know... In any case make sure that you have "Positive" men who are good friends who can help you through this as well. If they have been in the same situation and won their wives back then they will be invaluable to you in your efforts.


Hoping for the Best!

RP
many many thanks for this - i will keep you posted
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post #54 of 309 (permalink) Old 08-22-2012, 10:11 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

Last few days i've had as little of contact as poss - just dropping off n picking up kids, not said much at all. She seems to be talking Ok to me min
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post #55 of 309 (permalink) Old 08-22-2012, 10:15 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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Last few days i've had as little of contact as poss - just dropping off n picking up kids, not said much at all. She seems to be talking Ok to me min
It might confuse her at first. Just keep it up. It is more for you than her!

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post #56 of 309 (permalink) Old 08-22-2012, 11:10 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

Good 36Separated. Please do keep me posted!

OK, when my wife and I were engaged, we had to face many challenges about unmet expectations that each of us had for one another.

One thing that caused her to become disheartened about "us" revolved around my failure to stop harsh words my family made towards her once and for all. I couldn't stop them from "talking" or having their opinion, but I didn't make it perfectly clear that I would not put up with hurtful criticism of our relationship and her.

During the 180 plan weeks apart - I made sure to stand up for her greater than I had ever done prior. Mostly because the messages I received from some of my family was, "She needs to, blah, blah, blah..." It was a perfect opportunity for me to stand up for her... even amongst the confusion and pain of a break-up.

That had massive impact when we got back together and talked. I had personality flaws that I worked on during that time

... But, she was more endeared to me by my "stepping up to the plate" and standing up for her. More so than anything else.

Now, what can you take away from my own 180 plan experience?

In a prior post you stated that you still 'love' her. If one of your friends or family try to bad talk her - don't put up with it, or even listen to them. Instead, stand up for her! Don't necessarily cover for her, or lie about her to paint a perfect picture of her. Instead, simply say, "Hey, that's my wife you are talking about, and I won't have any of this"!

If they won't back down or say they are sorry for "putting your wife down", then decide between her or them.

Good friends or family should see that you do not want to be turned against her.

Am I saying this will happen to you? No, can't say that.

But, this is the thinking of a man who will stop at nothing to win his wife back. That is the kind of man who has a chance of winning her back! And...

Word gets around. If she learns of your loyalty to her she will be grateful - what's best she will respect you!

This leads me to my next message to you! I will post it soon!

Hope this helps!

RP.

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post #57 of 309 (permalink) Old 08-22-2012, 11:40 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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It might confuse her at first. Just keep it up. It is more for you than her!
36 Seperated, Sbrown is right! At this point it is more for you than for her, because you are the one trying to make things right and get her back. Right?

Is this WWIII or a being at odds with a lot on the line, family, kids, happiness without the added baggage of an ex in the background, financial burden, etc...

Be sure of what it is that you are facing and what you ultimately want. If you want to get her back it has to ultimately be about the "us" that she doesn't want to talk about. That means you need to consider her and what is good for her too!

She might have declared war on you, but that is not what I get from how you describe the way she is reacting. To me, it seems that she is angry, fed up and confused.

If she just wants to destroy you then that is something different.

Perhaps the only way to know is to talk to someone close to her and close to both of you.

Note, you may want to wait a few weeks to do something like what I am suggesting. It may backfire. Choose wisely about doing this, but if you need this, then it may be worth the risk. It could really help. It has always worked for me, but we have different situations.

Is there anybody who you can go to who will be frank, candid, and not take sides?

Even if it is her family, make it clear that you just want to understand her and make things better.

Make it clear that you are not trying to be sneaky. You need help and this is the best way to get it if you can't talk directly to your wife. Let the person you will be asking for help know that they can decide to tell your wife about the "talk", but make it clear to them that you are trying to gain understanding...

Not turn any one against her.

Ask them to tell her that you asked them, so there are no surprises.

In fact, make sure that if the "talk" goes into a bad direction, like an argument, gossip, bad talking, playing sides, etc. respectfully end the "talk".

In fact, it is best to only have two questions ready.

Can you help me understand who my wife is as a person better?

How can I become the man she needs me to be in your opinion?

That is the best approach!

If things go wrong. Be the first to admit it to your wife... just like it is recommended. "I want to understand you better, but can't go to you just yet... I still want to give you space.

This is my advice. Please let me know if you are considering taking this advice first, and I will make sure my psych med wife will give her "two cents worth" too.

Be very careful. If you do not think it will work, then you are probably right. The situation may just be too sensitive at the moment to try this.

Remember, the best way to win is not mutually assured destruction, but rather as the "art of war" puts it, understand your opponent strongly so you are not battling on "deadly ground", but only on "heavy ground." It is the best way to win. It may be a war, but you will win without casualties.

Hoping or the best.

RP.

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post #58 of 309 (permalink) Old 08-22-2012, 12:22 PM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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The question is......Has anyone had legitimate success in saving their marriage by using the 180 approach????
That's like asking if anyone has been able to build a wall using a shovel.

The 180 is a tool to fix yourself not your marriage.
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post #59 of 309 (permalink) Old 08-22-2012, 12:52 PM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

This is the post in which, I learned about the 180 plan.

The 180

If I am not missing something the 180 plan is a way of not being a doormat, especially for a cheating spouse. It makes you look and probably feel strong... and strong is attractive.

Does this preclude using this to "pop their positive bubble" effect to make a spouse see you as a real person. A person who will not be used and abused. Will this not turn their perception of you towards the advantage of making all want to fix the marriage - before it ends in divorce?

Of course, it may be used to boost the effect of "showing up" a spouse intent on divorce.

It will build a wall, so to speak.

However, can it not also be used to make a spouse want to tear down that proverbial wall of separation too?

I believe 36Separated wants to save his marriage by being strong.

I do not see a disconnect between that and the 180 plan. If I am wrong and the 180 plan is for divorcing in style, then I admit to being wrong.

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post #60 of 309 (permalink) Old 08-28-2012, 10:23 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

I'm was trying to save my marriage, but i'm losing the will. 4 weeks from when she said she had been to a solicitor to start divorce, i still havent heard anything, i checked with the courts - nothing logged as yet. Today I spoke to my soliciotr and ask them to contact them to see what is ahppening.

As for me and my wife, its up and down... most days i get the friendly smiling wife, on sat we talked fro around 20mins, I told her i wont defend the divorce if she 100% and ill make it as quick as poss, she said she needed time to think ???
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