Any 180 success stories???? - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #76 of 309 (permalink) Old 08-29-2012, 09:27 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

36seperated her is a link I am nearly certain you will need...Coping with Infidelity

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post #77 of 309 (permalink) Old 08-29-2012, 10:15 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

36Separated,

Was infidelity in your case. I did not know. I did not assume that seeking the 180 plan was due to infidelity.

I suppose they go together. I did not want to assume it in your case. This goes beyond pride. It goes into trust.

There can be reconciliation. You have have said that you want to save the marriage. You cannot have a marriage where there is no trust.

Counseling and many boundaries need to be established to save a marriage ravaged by infidelity.

You can still use the advice I give, but it is dependent on reestablishing that trust.

I also do not want to assume that it is all over if she, or you, or both of you cheated. It is just harder. Some of my friends have survived infidelity and I know of one couple that got remarried after infidelity.

If she cheated on you, still find out what part you played in her decision. Why did it happen is a good question to ask, instead of simply laying blame, even though it hurts.

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Last edited by Rough Patch Sewing; 08-29-2012 at 10:17 AM. Reason: added help
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post #78 of 309 (permalink) Old 08-29-2012, 10:20 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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Originally Posted by 36Separated View Post
Dont know of any other man in her life. I want her to repsect me. I dont want her back as things were, but I see where we both need to work.

Just to add, i feel this is all about her being in control
36Separated,

Does this mean that she did not cheat?

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post #79 of 309 (permalink) Old 08-29-2012, 10:30 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

I dont believe she has - no evidence of it
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post #80 of 309 (permalink) Old 08-29-2012, 10:52 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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I dont believe she has - no evidence of it
That is good. Do you know any of the tell tale signs of cheating. I believe that it is good to rule it out before moving forward with reconciliation.

From what you know of her, is that something she is capable of doing?

If you are not sure check out my articles: 5 "Tell All" Signs of an Affair - How to Get Peace of Mind Again, Affair Signs, and Signs of Cheating

If you don't think she is capable of cheating then perhaps you should disregard the articles. It may be worse if you become paranoid then just talking through things instead.

Hope this helps.

RP.

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post #81 of 309 (permalink) Old 08-29-2012, 11:16 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

Ill check the link, but before reading i would think not
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post #82 of 309 (permalink) Old 08-29-2012, 11:36 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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Ill check the link, but before reading i would think not
Good to hear you are not suspicious.

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post #83 of 309 (permalink) Old 08-29-2012, 12:00 PM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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Ill check the link, but before reading i would think not
Did she ask for the separation out of the blue(at least in your eyes)? And the "time to think" makes me think there is an OM.

Did she ever say "I need space"?
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post #84 of 309 (permalink) Old 08-29-2012, 12:15 PM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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Did she ask for the separation out of the blue(at least in your eyes)? And the "time to think" makes me think there is an OM.

Did she ever say "I need space"?
Out of the blue is suspicious. If there has been marriage issues for some time, then to assume an affair does not build trust. She will feel falsely accused and further place a wall between she and you.

Women need to process how they feel, if she is not happy in the marriage you do not want to drive her away... possibly into the arms of a man who will listen to her. Instead, be that man!

Innocent until proven guilty is safer.

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post #85 of 309 (permalink) Old 08-29-2012, 12:29 PM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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Out of the blue is suspicious. If there has been marriage issues for some time, then to assume an affair does not build trust. She will feel falsely accused and further place a wall between she and you.

Women need to process how they feel, if she is not happy in the marriage you do not want to drive her away... possibly into the arms of a man who will listen to her. Instead, be that man!

Innocent until proven guilty is safer.
I would NEVER recommend falsely accusing, or even accusing on suspicion. Read the infidelity threads on there the cheating spouses all follow a "script" and most use the "I need space/time to think" it is almost without fail. Look for the evidence and if you find it then confront. You can not love her enough to make her come back if she doesn't respect you.

36seperated, I think you need to start a thread focused solely on your problems, you will get a broader response.

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post #86 of 309 (permalink) Old 08-29-2012, 01:01 PM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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I would NEVER recommend falsely accusing, or even accusing on suspicion. Read the infidelity threads on there the cheating spouses all follow a "script" and most use the "I need space/time to think" it is almost without fail. Look for the evidence and if you find it then confront. You can not love her enough to make her come back if she doesn't respect you.

36seperated, I think you need to start a thread focused solely on your problems, you will get a broader response.
This is good advice. I would advice against jumping to conclusions too quickly. Affairs happen for many different reasons. Understanding who she is as a person will add the perspective.

Just because she might display a pattern does not mean she needs to be lumped into a category. If that were the case then the untold thousands of women who have asked for a separation/ trial separation are suspect of cheating.

Remember, the posts on those threads are skewed, because many responders have been cheated on. Of course there is a consensus of signs of cheating that run true. You know the problems in your marriage, do not discount them when looking at signs of an affair.

Yet, Sbrown has a point. Being informed is good, the threads will help.

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post #87 of 309 (permalink) Old 08-29-2012, 02:47 PM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

We had issues for months, she did tell before went that she was going to do it so we could start to fix our marriage
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post #88 of 309 (permalink) Old 08-29-2012, 03:15 PM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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We had issues for months, she did tell before went that she was going to do it so we could start to fix our marriage
Sounds like she has honest intentions by giving advanced notice of her plan to separate. She would be crazy to pull off an affair dropping you the advanced warning - Pursue her with discretion. And be the man she is hoping for you to be.

Her playing mind games doesn't present you with the real her, and you playing mind games doesn't offer her the real you.

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post #89 of 309 (permalink) Old 08-29-2012, 03:18 PM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

Its the games that are hard to see through... is this divorce for real?
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post #90 of 309 (permalink) Old 08-29-2012, 04:18 PM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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Its the games that are hard to see through... is this divorce for real?
If I remember what you wrote, you said that she has changed so much in 4 weeks, yelling, screaming. She wants time to think, she has said she did not want to work on "us" at that time, but now is talking, but with tension between you.

Next, she is the friendly smiling wife. No divorce papers registered with the court.

The most interesting part is when you told her that you would not allow her to treat you like a door mat. She started to treat you with civility then.

My question for you is this. You said that there have been issues for months, was there one big thing done that drove her over the edge?

Don't answer me specifically if you do not want to disclose your personal business, just think about it. What is her motive? Different things elicit different responses from women. I do not know if there is an easy answer to your question.

Has she ever played mind games with you before?



My hunch is that she is angry, confused, and emotional. Hence the mood swings in the last week or so. If you have been doing the right things as you say, then attribute that to her change around.

Is there someone who knows what is going on that you can ask for insight? Remember the warnings that I made in my prior post about being careful what you do when you ask a third party. Let me know if you need me to quote it for you so you know for sure what I am talking about.

I hope this helps.

RP.

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