Any 180 success stories???? - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
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post #91 of 309 (permalink) Old 08-29-2012, 04:20 PM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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Its the games that are hard to see through... is this divorce for real?
Also, it is best to respond as if this were real. Don't waist time. Keep doing what you are doing and when you think it is the best time to try to talk to her, then do it.


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post #92 of 309 (permalink) Old 08-30-2012, 04:14 PM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

U think i should just give up ?
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post #93 of 309 (permalink) Old 08-30-2012, 04:30 PM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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U think i should just give up ?
No. Perhaps you misunderstood. Whether or not she is playing mind games is not certain. You need to be certain that you want to be serious about getting to the bottom of what she really means.

I think that she is confused and is capable of going through with the divorce if you do not treat her with respect, give her the time she needs. In all of this strategy - you should make sure that there is a day in the near future that you two get together to talk and make the marriage work.

I believe that she is not playing mind games. That does not mean that you should give up. Do what needs to be done instead. Refer back to my recommended strategy.

If you can't find it, then I will quote it for you in another post on this thread.

Don't give up.

RP.

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post #94 of 309 (permalink) Old 08-30-2012, 04:35 PM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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No. Perhaps you misunderstood. Whether or not she is playing mind games is not certain. You need to be certain that you want to be serious about getting to the bottom of what she really means.

I think that she is confused and is capable of going through with the divorce if you do not treat her with respect, give her the time she needs. In all of this strategy - you should make sure that there is a day in the near future that you two get together to talk and make the marriage work.

I believe that she is not playing mind games. That does not mean that you should give up. Do what needs to be done instead. Refer back to my recommended strategy.

If you can't find it, then I will quote it for you in another post on this thread.

Don't give up.

RP.
Thanks - its just hard
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post #95 of 309 (permalink) Old 08-30-2012, 05:10 PM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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Thanks - its just hard
Very hard indeed! Be patient. Breath slow. Keep on doing what you are doing. Send me private message anytime. I helped a good friend through it a few years back when his wife left with the kids. It worked out for them.

Reflect on the issues that have culminated to this point in your marriage. Prioritize them, and make a plan for owning up for what you did in each circumstance and be ready to ask for forgiveness and man up to each problem.

You cannot make her do anything. But you can be a positive influence, if you take the time to simply try to understand her.

If she sees that, she should help you in anything that you do not get quite right. That has worked in serious situations with my wife and I, over and over again.

I hope this helps. Putting your heart and soul into reaching her must be genuine. Often it is what is rewarded.

Don't forget to do your homework concerning both of your marriage situation.

Keep in touch,

RP.

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post #96 of 309 (permalink) Old 09-01-2012, 03:41 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

Don't think i'm getting anywhere with my wife, saw he yesterday and this morning picking up / dropping kids off. Both time friendly but my son said he asked her if mum n dad are going to be ok and she told him, if nothing else happens maybe we could get on as friends

{ps still no divorce papers and no news from solicitors yet]
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post #97 of 309 (permalink) Old 09-01-2012, 05:22 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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Don't think i'm getting anywhere with my wife, saw he yesterday and this morning picking up / dropping kids off. Both time friendly but my son said he asked her if mum n dad are going to be ok and she told him, if nothing else happens maybe we could get on as friends

{ps still no divorce papers and no news from solicitors yet]
That's because you are a back up plan. And as long as you continue to try to "honor" her you will always be a back up plan, until she finds someone better.
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post #98 of 309 (permalink) Old 09-01-2012, 11:45 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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That's because you are a back up plan. And as long as you continue to try to "honor" her you will always be a back up plan, until she finds someone better.
Think your right
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post #99 of 309 (permalink) Old 09-01-2012, 04:21 PM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

I think it is wise to consider the following: The best way to build a case against her involves taking the time to understand what she means, why, and getting a private investigator. Otherwise you may become a victim of paranoia.

I recommend that if you want to save this marriage, then it is best to think more about the spouse than oneself. No marriage ever lasts under selfish conditions, and sure won't be saved either.

One's ego can be saved: I, me, mine, or the "us" can be saved. The same "us" of which she is not sure about anymore.

Want to discover how to build relationship trust with your wife, and romance your wife back into your arms?
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3 secrets to an intimate marriage, 5 ways to keep her attracted to you

Last edited by Rough Patch Sewing; 09-01-2012 at 05:36 PM. Reason: rephrasing
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post #100 of 309 (permalink) Old 09-01-2012, 06:41 PM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

The problem with thinking more about the spouse than yourself is you can't change what they do. You can only change your actions and perceptions.
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post #101 of 309 (permalink) Old 09-02-2012, 12:25 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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The problem with thinking more about the spouse than yourself is you can't change what they do. You can only change your actions and perceptions.
Posted via Mobile Device
So Many questions occur to me when I read this statement.

Let's assume that the first part of this statement is true in marriage relationships. I keep on talking about absolutely thinking about your spouse before yourself and I will tell you why at the end of my next post.

2 possible outcomes come to mind if in fact a spouse cannot change what the other spouse does.
  1. Personal Development: One or both spouses work on personal development and become great people in many different areas of life. One or both are different and better than either had been when they first fell in love, but since they are only thinking of themselves as individuals and not for each other, they may go in two completely different directions. Would this develop into drifting apart due to differences that do not relate together well?
  2. Mediocrity: One or both spouses do not work on personal development of any kind. They are still the same people who fell in love with each other at the beginning, BUT since they are only thinking of themselves as individuals and not for each other, they do not meet the needs of each other. Would this develop into "Cold War" tension between the two of them?

Do any of these possible scenarios seem like they would lead to happy, and healthy unions within a marriage? Would only thinking of ones self because he or she cannot change the other have any positive effect to unite the two people together again?

I am perplexed if this could ever work. Can self preservation - looking out for #1, even make one person truly happy in the wake of these results?

I have more to say, but will save it for another post.

RP.

Want to discover how to build relationship trust with your wife, and romance your wife back into your arms?
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Last edited by Rough Patch Sewing; 09-02-2012 at 12:56 AM. Reason: added idea
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post #102 of 309 (permalink) Old 09-02-2012, 12:54 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sbrown View Post
The problem with thinking more about the spouse than yourself is you can't change what they do. You can only change your actions and perceptions.
Posted via Mobile Device
Now, I have to ask some more questions about this statement. First a quick note: I have nothing against someone who holds to the logic of this statement. I just cannot stop thinking about the ramifications of the statement. So this is speaking my peace.

OK.

Is it not true that there are many ways to change someone? Some that are healthy and moral, and other methods that are dangerous and immoral?

First the negative methods.
  1. Lying
  2. tricking
  3. manipulating
  4. coercion
  5. blackmail
  6. intimidation
  7. using
  8. "showing up" someone
  9. quick induction hypnosis


There are many ways to negatively make someone do what you want them to do. However, because all of these are dishonest, manipulative, divisive, and sometimes cruel methods - it often destroys relationships and leaves the victim bitter and resentful.

Everything that I have been talking about concerning changing someone has to do with positive ways of changing someone, accept the goal is to help the individual to desire to follow.

I am talking about what it takes to greatly influence people to join you in your vision, mission, or positive desired outcome. Influence is gained by first understanding the real person of whom you want to influence. You also have to use tact and emotional connection to see the world through their eyes so you can better have them align towards a common goal.

Just read everything I have been posting here, and you will see that I recommend influencing through relationship and deep understanding.

If one is sincere and truly gets to the bottom of issues, then it is more likely that mutual happiness will result from these efforts. If the relationship has been too damaged, then if enough real and insight driven positive change is put into affect, then there is a chance for reconciliation. Even if it is not optimally affective right away, at least it will not backfire and make matters worse.

In the case of broken trust/infidelity (if there is real evidence) then it takes greater resolve and trust building to re-establish trust, hopefully before it is too late.

Sometimes the pain is too great, but that should not preclude the efforts of sincerely repentant spouses from trying.

I feel like too often we give up when hope was truly possible. If it is the ego that is hurt the most... preventing real healing, then perhaps looking out for oneself is all there ever will be in life.

RP.

Want to discover how to build relationship trust with your wife, and romance your wife back into your arms?
7 Marriage Saving Husband Habits ,
3 secrets to an intimate marriage, 5 ways to keep her attracted to you

Last edited by Rough Patch Sewing; 09-02-2012 at 12:59 AM. Reason: added idea
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post #103 of 309 (permalink) Old 09-02-2012, 05:52 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rough Patch Sewing View Post
So Many questions occur to me when I read this statement.

Let's assume that the first part of this statement is true in marriage relationships. I keep on talking about absolutely thinking about your spouse before yourself and I will tell you why at the end of my next post.

2 possible outcomes come to mind if in fact a spouse cannot change what the other spouse does.
  1. Personal Development: One or both spouses work on personal development and become great people in many different areas of life. One or both are different and better than either had been when they first fell in love, but since they are only thinking of themselves as individuals and not for each other, they may go in two completely different directions. Would this develop into drifting apart due to differences that do not relate together well?
  2. Mediocrity: One or both spouses do not work on personal development of any kind. They are still the same people who fell in love with each other at the beginning, BUT since they are only thinking of themselves as individuals and not for each other, they do not meet the needs of each other. Would this develop into "Cold War" tension between the two of them?

Do any of these possible scenarios seem like they would lead to happy, and healthy unions within a marriage? Would only thinking of ones self because he or she cannot change the other have any positive effect to unite the two people together again?

I am perplexed if this could ever work. Can self preservation - looking out for #1, even make one person truly happy in the wake of these results?

I have more to say, but will save it for another post.

RP.
So you think a person shouldn't better themselves because it might cause the marriage to split? That defies logic. If I am a better person and my wife is a good person, wouldn't she be drawn closer to me?

You are the only person you can truly change!
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post #104 of 309 (permalink) Old 09-02-2012, 05:54 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rough Patch Sewing View Post
Now, I have to ask some more questions about this statement. First a quick note: I have nothing against someone who holds to the logic of this statement. I just cannot stop thinking about the ramifications of the statement. So this is speaking my peace.

OK.

Is it not true that there are many ways to change someone? Some that are healthy and moral, and other methods that are dangerous and immoral?

First the negative methods.
  1. Lying
  2. tricking
  3. manipulating
  4. coercion
  5. blackmail
  6. intimidation
  7. using
  8. "showing up" someone
  9. quick induction hypnosis


There are many ways to negatively make someone do what you want them to do. However, because all of these are dishonest, manipulative, divisive, and sometimes cruel methods - it often destroys relationships and leaves the victim bitter and resentful.

Everything that I have been talking about concerning changing someone has to do with positive ways of changing someone, accept the goal is to help the individual to desire to follow.

I am talking about what it takes to greatly influence people to join you in your vision, mission, or positive desired outcome. Influence is gained by first understanding the real person of whom you want to influence. You also have to use tact and emotional connection to see the world through their eyes so you can better have them align towards a common goal.

Just read everything I have been posting here, and you will see that I recommend influencing through relationship and deep understanding.

If one is sincere and truly gets to the bottom of issues, then it is more likely that mutual happiness will result from these efforts. If the relationship has been too damaged, then if enough real and insight driven positive change is put into affect, then there is a chance for reconciliation. Even if it is not optimally affective right away, at least it will not backfire and make matters worse.

In the case of broken trust/infidelity (if there is real evidence) then it takes greater resolve and trust building to re-establish trust, hopefully before it is too late.

Sometimes the pain is too great, but that should not preclude the efforts of sincerely repentant spouses from trying.

I feel like too often we give up when hope was truly possible. If it is the ego that is hurt the most... preventing real healing, then perhaps looking out for oneself is all there ever will be in life.

RP.
The bold statement is just false! People do what they CHOOSE to do! You can not MAKE anyone do what you want them to do. No matter what you do, the other person has a choice to make.

All the things you listed are a way to get people to CHOOSE what you want them to CHOOSE. But it is not forcing anyone to do anything.
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post #105 of 309 (permalink) Old 09-02-2012, 03:32 PM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

Latest update... sat down and spoke with her face to face for over an hour earlier...

She says she knows im sorry and she can see i have changed and that i would treat her right in the future, she also says ideally we are together and she is back in love with me, BUt she doesnt love me at the moment and cant see it changing. She also said she is willing to give it time and pause/stop the divorce and see what happenns, but really cant see anything changing
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