Latest update... sat down and spoke with her face to face for over an hour earlier...
She says she knows im sorry and she can see i have changed and that i would treat her right in the future, she also says ideally we are together and she is back in love with me, BUt she doesnt love me at the moment and cant see it changing. She also said she is willing to give it time and pause/stop the divorce and see what happenns, but really cant see anything changing
This is promising. She is opening up to you and being honest. She is not trying to placate you. What I mean is that she not just saying what you want to hear in order to get you to back off.
I hope that you keep on keep'n on.
About influence, it can come from consideration and compassion. That is what I have been talking about. Sbrown is right when it comes to influence. You are trying to influence them to choose to choose you.
Sometimes influence doesn't have someone choose to choose you, but I believe with enough time and sincerity you will endear your wife back to you. I have known marriages that fell apart and then were reconciled.
I cannot fathom how self improvement without consideration and compassion for others will have any lasting affect - I fear it only leads to conceitedness and broken marriages.
I have seen how just a little bit of compassion will melt even the most hardened hearts. It is a defeatist mentality that assumes that it is useless to try to reach people even in the middle of a divorce. However, there are some people that have built walls and have accepted closed-off world-views. Very difficult to reach.
Also, there are those who are clinically mentally ill. My wife is a psyche-medical nurse and works with them all the time. It is very challenging and it takes much effort but there can be success reaching people in those cases too. Sometimes it takes the right medication, therapy, etc. I don't think your wife is in that catagory.
If your wife is not a complete narcissist that will use any excuse to justify selfish behavior, then I think that you can reach her through just a little bit more time.
Consider her, don't just focus on yourself.
Resources: How to Win Friends and Influence People 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
I am hoping for good and better news!