Any 180 success stories???? - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #106 of 309 (permalink) Old 09-03-2012, 09:43 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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Latest update... sat down and spoke with her face to face for over an hour earlier...

She says she knows im sorry and she can see i have changed and that i would treat her right in the future, she also says ideally we are together and she is back in love with me, BUt she doesnt love me at the moment and cant see it changing. She also said she is willing to give it time and pause/stop the divorce and see what happenns, but really cant see anything changing
36Separated,

This is promising. She is opening up to you and being honest. She is not trying to placate you. What I mean is that she not just saying what you want to hear in order to get you to back off.

I hope that you keep on keep'n on.

About influence, it can come from consideration and compassion. That is what I have been talking about. Sbrown is right when it comes to influence. You are trying to influence them to choose to choose you.

Sometimes influence doesn't have someone choose to choose you, but I believe with enough time and sincerity you will endear your wife back to you. I have known marriages that fell apart and then were reconciled.

I cannot fathom how self improvement without consideration and compassion for others will have any lasting affect - I fear it only leads to conceitedness and broken marriages.

I have seen how just a little bit of compassion will melt even the most hardened hearts. It is a defeatist mentality that assumes that it is useless to try to reach people even in the middle of a divorce. However, there are some people that have built walls and have accepted closed-off world-views. Very difficult to reach.

Also, there are those who are clinically mentally ill. My wife is a psyche-medical nurse and works with them all the time. It is very challenging and it takes much effort but there can be success reaching people in those cases too. Sometimes it takes the right medication, therapy, etc. I don't think your wife is in that catagory.

If your wife is not a complete narcissist that will use any excuse to justify selfish behavior, then I think that you can reach her through just a little bit more time.

Consider her, don't just focus on yourself.

Resources:

How to Win Friends and Influence People

7 Habits of Highly Effective People

I am hoping for good and better news!

RP.


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post #107 of 309 (permalink) Old 09-03-2012, 09:49 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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Originally Posted by 36Separated View Post
Latest update... sat down and spoke with her face to face for over an hour earlier...

She says she knows im sorry and she can see i have changed and that i would treat her right in the future, she also says ideally we are together and she is back in love with me, BUt she doesnt love me at the moment and cant see it changing. She also said she is willing to give it time and pause/stop the divorce and see what happenns, but really cant see anything changing
Sorry for what, exacly?
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post #108 of 309 (permalink) Old 09-04-2012, 02:51 PM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

My mum died last year and for a couple of months i drank too much nad we agrued - i stopped drinking though, but she said it was too l8
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post #109 of 309 (permalink) Old 09-06-2012, 10:15 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

After speaking on sat, sun, mon, tuesda - things seem to have got worse, had no texts, no smiles, just telling me she dont love me but will give it time. I even sent her some flowers as things seemd to be looking up, she hasn't even mentioned them
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post #110 of 309 (permalink) Old 09-06-2012, 12:13 PM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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After speaking on sat, sun, mon, tuesda - things seem to have got worse, had no texts, no smiles, just telling me she dont love me but will give it time. I even sent her some flowers as things seemd to be looking up, she hasn't even mentioned them
36Separated,

What are some BIG traumas, hardships, neglects, etc. in her past. Maybe what you did is coming back to trigger those negative emotions. Do your homework on her and you will see what things you may even be doing with your current get togethers that are making her loose it.

Know her better than anyone else, and you will be able to handle any emotional problem she has at any given moment.

Me, I spent many long hours talking my wife's father about their problems raising her - It was eye opening. I now know how to best speak words of life and love into her than ever before.

I hope this helps.

Innocent until proven guilty. She is not your enemy. Ignorance of her as a person is your greatest enemy.

RP.

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post #111 of 309 (permalink) Old 09-07-2012, 08:10 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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After speaking on sat, sun, mon, tuesda - things seem to have got worse, had no texts, no smiles, just telling me she dont love me but will give it time. I even sent her some flowers as things seemd to be looking up, she hasn't even mentioned them
Did she call you on those days?
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post #112 of 309 (permalink) Old 09-07-2012, 08:49 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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After speaking on sat, sun, mon, tuesda - things seem to have got worse, had no texts, no smiles, just telling me she dont love me but will give it time. I even sent her some flowers as things seemd to be looking up, she hasn't even mentioned them
I could be wrong, but that is awhole lot of talking and my gut immediately thought, too much. Your title "180 success" would say that much talking is a failure.

Even when things improve we need to do mild 180s. Overwhelming them is not good. They go a long way in my humble experience.
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post #113 of 309 (permalink) Old 09-07-2012, 12:06 PM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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I could be wrong, but that is awhole lot of talking and my gut immediately thought, too much. Your title "180 success" would say that much talking is a failure.

Even when things improve we need to do mild 180s. Overwhelming them is not good. They go a long way in my humble experience.
I think that the quality of the talking supersedes the quantity. Laser targeted reconnection usually does not take a lot of back and forth, back and forth. You hit key notes that endear him or her to you because you understand who they are, what they have gone through in the past, what you did in light of their hang-ups that caused such great pain.

Some people are hurt differently than others. Some people need you to take a step back after a laser targeted discussion. Some people are angry, hurt, and confused...

Want to discover how to build relationship trust with your wife, and romance your wife back into your arms?
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Last edited by Rough Patch Sewing; 09-07-2012 at 04:18 PM. Reason: grammar
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post #114 of 309 (permalink) Old 09-08-2012, 01:04 PM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

I feel she wants to bury her head and one day she will wake up knowing exactly what to do. She told me before she was drained from thinking about it and talking about and that was one of reason she left me.
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post #115 of 309 (permalink) Old 09-09-2012, 02:14 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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I feel she wants to bury her head and one day she will wake up knowing exactly what to do. She told me before she was drained from thinking about it and talking about and that was one of reason she left me.
Has she ever displayed this type of avoidance before? I still think that she is confused, angry, and afraid. However, her talking about the house makes me want to beseech you to find out more about who she is and her background.

What is she capable of or not capable of as a person? My wife who is a psych-medical nurse tells me that she is showing signs of normal emotions - given how you describe her present pain.

I have to ask, "why is she changing her mind about the house"?

What you know of her character could be the key to unlocking the answer. If you were to ask her why she changed her mind about the house, would she get very defensive and try to turn the question around on you?

I think that that would be a telling answer... if you think it wise to simply ask her (I would avoid insinuating anything),... "why the change?"

Hope this helps.

RP.


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Last edited by Rough Patch Sewing; 09-09-2012 at 02:16 AM. Reason: grammar
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post #116 of 309 (permalink) Old 09-09-2012, 03:30 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

The problem with our marraige is that she avoided all issues, even when we spoke yesterday she said im drained its like when i lived with you, i dont want to think about it.
She said its 'her' house and its across from her parents and want to live here, but without me. Said if we sorted after she got it i couldnt move back but she would sell and we would buy somewhere else - it sounds like liees
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post #117 of 309 (permalink) Old 09-09-2012, 03:31 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

Before she left, she said i dont love you, but i want us to be toghether but she wasnt willing to do anything to fix.

I believe her friend and esp her dad is the driving factor behind her wanting a divorce and trying to get the house

Last edited by 36Separated; 09-09-2012 at 03:36 AM.
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post #118 of 309 (permalink) Old 09-09-2012, 05:03 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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Before she left, she said i dont love you, but i want us to be toghether but she wasnt willing to do anything to fix.

I believe her friend and esp her dad is the driving factor behind her wanting a divorce and trying to get the house
This should speak volumes to you! Her words match her actions. Do the 180! Detach NOW!
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post #119 of 309 (permalink) Old 09-09-2012, 07:52 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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This should speak volumes to you! Her words match her actions. Do the 180! Detach NOW!
For my own good or it may win her back?
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post #120 of 309 (permalink) Old 09-09-2012, 08:03 AM
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Re: Any 180 success stories????

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For my own good or it may win her back?
ALWAYS for your own good!
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