Any 180 success stories????

36Separated · 09-09-2012, 08:04 AM

Do i give up on my marriage?

Sbrown · 09-09-2012, 08:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 36Separated

Do i give up on my marriage?

I think you do. I think it is time to start detaching. Have you read the 180 plan? You need to hit the gym, eat right, sleep right and concentrate on the things that you did wrong in the marriage and work on improving yourself! FOR YOU! If you do it to try to save your marriage and not for yourself, you will fail! Not only at marriage but at becoming a better person! The 180 plan works every time it is executed properly. And by "works" I do not mean that every person that 180's R's with their spouse, but they always come out a better person and happier for it!

Edit: Do not inform your stbx what you are doing! DO IT FOR YOU!

36Separated · 09-09-2012, 08:14 AM

Thanks - this is the first time anyone has told me to give up on it. Hard to take, but i need to know if it is over

I know the 180 is for me and i will do to improve myself... but is my marriage not salvageable ?

Sbrown · 09-09-2012, 11:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 36Separated

Thanks - this is the first time anyone has told me to give up on it. Hard to take, but i need to know if it is over

I know the 180 is for me and i will do to improve myself... but is my marriage not salvageable ?

From where I sit? NO! See it takes TWO people to make a marriage work and from what you say, your wife is just not willing to do the hard work. She's done and so you just need to worry about you and your child!

36Separated · 09-09-2012, 11:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sbrown

From where I sit? NO! See it takes TWO people to make a marriage work and from what you say, your wife is just not willing to do the hard work. She's done and so you just need to worry about you and your child!

Thanks m8 - dont know how we have got to this. What about the giving it 3months?

Sbrown · 09-09-2012, 01:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 36Separated

Thanks m8 - dont know how we have got to this. What about the giving it 3months?

Why would you waste another minute on someone that doesn't want to be married to you?

36Separated · 09-09-2012, 03:08 PM

Thats true m8 - think ive finally got it in my head is over

Rough Patch Sewing · 09-09-2012, 04:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 36Separated

Before she left, she said i dont love you, but i want us to be toghether but she wasnt willing to do anything to fix.

I believe her friend and esp her dad is the driving factor behind her wanting a divorce and trying to get the house

36Separated,

Do you see what strategically talking and not detaching too early has revealed. She is manipulating you. She is making a marriage where she only thinks about herself... sound familiar.

A full 180 is appropriate, but you have to ask yourself about how you feel about her and people in general. Are you going to become bitter and jaded. Are you only going to think about yourself.

Is that not what she is doing? Think about the pain you have felt. Do you want to become cynical and manipulative yourself? Do you want to use and manipulate people as she has. Do not judge if you will do the same as her out of your hurt.

I worked for years in the foreclosure industry. Many people have been hurt by business practices that set up and manipulated people. That is why I rejected signing an ARM loan.

I knew better. However, due to many selfish and bad lending and mortgage backed securities swaps, many people have suffered. The lending agencies were just thinking about themselves - like your wife. The difference is that they were faceless corporations, your wife is a real person.

You said that her friends and father are behind this in your opinion. Can you call her on that? If you ask her about this with composure and dignity do you think she will tell you the truth.

If she continues to lie to you then it will be her destroying this marriage through lies - not you. Do a 180 plan, but remember that your marriage started out with both of you thinking about each other first, now through what went wrong she is only thinking about her self now.

Is this really her? Is she being manipulated by manipulators?

If you want hope, then move with understanding. She can reject everything you do. But, you can hold your head high with you dignity. Getting in shape and improving yourself just to get back at her does not build your self worth. Being a real man through out everything will.

I hope the best for you 36Separated!

stuckmick · 09-10-2012, 01:41 AM

I am in day 4 of my 180. I got ILYBNILWY speech 10 months ago. Spent 9 months doing everything i could to fix it, typical fixer behavior. Got another round of the same speech in July. Seperated 4 days ago. Total 180. Went dark as much as i could. Only conversing about the children. She has called me twice . Each time i did not have my phone with me or i was sleeping.( I work nights)I got a text about 2 hours ago ." hope you had a good time with the kids today, are they staying with you on tues? I was working and couldnt immediaty answer it. about 20 min later i got a phone call...again, working and couldnt answer. I got a text 30 seconds later " ok, i feel like you are ignoring my text and phone calls. I dont know how you want to handle this seperation thing, but at least we can communicate about the children".....i answered back..."on a call, yeah on tues, tty soon".....wtf?....i have lost 70 pounds since this started, looking good. She wanted this seperation to see if she missed me....i gave it to her ....now she is pissed? Is she upset because she cant control me anymore? I give her space and she wants to close that space....at her convenience....what the hell? Can i do nothing right?
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Sbrown · 09-10-2012, 05:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rough Patch Sewing

36Separated,

Do you see what strategically talking and not detaching too early has revealed. She is manipulating you. She is making a marriage where she only thinks about herself... sound familiar.

A full 180 is appropriate, but you have to ask yourself about how you feel about her and people in general. Are you going to become bitter and jaded. Are you only going to think about yourself. Have you read the 180 plan? It is the opposite of becoming "bitter and jaded." It is 100% about getting out from under peoples feet and being a man instead of a door mat!

Is that not what she is doing? Think about the pain you have felt. Do you want to become cynical and manipulative yourself? Do you want to use and manipulate people as she has. Do not judge if you will do the same as her out of your hurt.

I worked for years in the foreclosure industry. Many people have been hurt by business practices that set up and manipulated people. That is why I rejected signing an ARM loan.

I knew better. However, due to many selfish and bad lending and mortgage backed securities swaps, many people have suffered. The lending agencies were just thinking about themselves - like your wife. The difference is that they were faceless corporations, your wife is a real person.
Really? Those people suffered because of the decisions they made. NO ONE has ever received a home loan they didn't ask for!
You said that her friends and father are behind this in your opinion. Can you call her on that? If you ask her about this with composure and dignity do you think she will tell you the truth.

If she continues to lie to you then it will be her destroying this marriage through lies - not you. Do a 180 plan, but remember that your marriage started out with both of you thinking about each other first, now through what went wrong she is only thinking about her self now.

Is this really her? Is she being manipulated by manipulators?

If you want hope, then move with understanding. She can reject everything you do. But, you can hold your head high with you dignity. Getting in shape and improving yourself just to get back at her does not build your self worth. Being a real man through out everything will.

I hope the best for you 36Separated!

36Separated · 09-10-2012, 02:31 PM

Solictor rang be today, they have spoken to hers - she has instructed them to proceed with the divorce.
Picked my son up at tea and she had a rant crying her eyes out

donders · 09-10-2012, 02:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 36Separated

For my own good or it may win her back?

If you "win" someone back by doing the 180 the results are temporary at best, it's not a real solution.

Rough Patch Sewing · 09-10-2012, 03:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by donders

If you "win" someone back by doing the 180 the results are temporary at best, it's not a real solution.

I am not against the 180 plan. I think that it is prudent now that 36Separated knows that his wife is being manipulative and destroying the marriage for selfish reasons.

I know that it is a set of rules to follow in order to play reverse psychology on a mate who is spitefully treating someone. However, I do not advise on using a false facade of confidence and strength when in fact you are an emotional mess.

If the marriage gets back together, how can anyone with integrity not reveal the charade that was used to get the marriage back on course. The 180 is pragmatic, in that it has the ability to work, however, I would say that it is not wise to show your true feelings to a belligerent spouse bent on ruining everything for their own selfish reasons or to hold on to an affair.

If you do influence him or her. You can with integrity say that you did not show your true feelings because it was not safe to do so. That is prudent.

Detaching sometimes is necessary. I think it prudent to detach in a situation as this. However, I have been encouraging 36Separated to have understanding. Now he understands to some degree what is going on. Hey drew it out of her.

In his situation it seems wise to detach since he needs to detach from her selfishness and those who are manipulating her.

I encourage him to realize the true value of who he is as a person and the true value of who she is as a person. I encourage him to have strong character and be a better, honorable, and integrity filled man.

If for some reason I have misinterpreted Michelle Wiener Davis' list of behaviors for the 180 plan... than it is because I might be reading into what the behaviors really mean. However, I do not know how you can retain integrity while doing it - and how you can truthfully explain your actions to your spouse if it does make him or her come to his or her senses.

Without living with real character - how can a real relationship be established?

Perhaps it is best to do the 180 plan on a short term basis. You have to be able to look your reconciled partner in the eyes and tell them that you really had those inclinations for detachment - feelings that if faked would make your spouse resentful if the truth were known.

36Separated · 09-10-2012, 03:55 PM

Detach from it... treat it as over? no contact? sorry please explain

Rough Patch Sewing · 09-10-2012, 04:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 36Separated

Detach from it... treat it as over? no contact? sorry please explain

36Seperated,

What happened to make her drop the 3 month plan?

Anyways, you have the divorce papers now. She has made that move. I think everything changes now. Be real. Respect her decision. Be a man of honor and sign the paper.

If it is true that you do not want this divorce, tell her so. Tell her that you respect her enough to sign your name to something you absolutely do not want. No amount of reverse psychology will have the kind of impact that genuine sincerity will have.

You have been doing a series of short 180s, while gathering understanding about her. It seems like she has been emotionally erratic all this time. But you know that she wants the house and her dad and friends are behind it.

Are you an emotional mess? Can you hold your head high and with self dignity do this?