My wife of 10+ years told me this weekend she wants a divorce. I had the typical distraught, whiney, emotional, generally pathetic response. I pleaded, tried to reason, talked about the kids, etc. Stonefaced response from the W. With the help of this site, I have decided to go 100% on the 180 plan. I understand that this helps re-establish my sense of self. My confidence. My positive vision of the future. I get that and it's very important. Issue is, I really want my wife to snap out of funk and try to work on our marriage. I don't want to lose my family because my wife it not rational right now.
The question is......Has anyone had legitimate success in saving their marriage by using the 180 approach????
It is possible. Amplextor fixed his marriage, but it takes a lot more than the 180 and a lot of time, 1 - 2 years.
A few of us are close or have repaired our marriages but its very hard work.
Your wife has a lot more than a funk. It's probably years or intense hurt.
Best of luck and God bless Posted via Mobile Device
Yes, but I was always neglectful so doing a 180 was more about my own adabtation of it.
I confronted my wife as business as usual and it was a matter of fact....what she wanted and her perception of ...well me not caring.
I mean it was so emotionaless (if thats a term) even though I really cared I gave my cheating wife a non emotional response to her admission that it made her second guess her response to my response.
Its wierd but I found that with little emotion from me, my wife wasn't sure on what to expect. It wasn't about me it was more on what she wanted.
If she felt confused well then I wasn't going to beg or plead....I just had the additude were I wanted a dicision from her right then and there. I mean I showed this " I don't give a f*ck" perseption were her next words out of her mouth were going to keep me around or not.
I believe she thought I would have bailed if she didn't make the commitment right then and there. It was all about empowerment, when she saw that she had none, it was out of self preservation that she made a choice right there " him or me "
Granted I did my investigation and research and it was my nkowledge that this was the best way to handle it...see several weeks earlier I had gone down that road of self pity and when I approached her cheating in a .."weak way" I saw the look in her eyes that said "now you care @ss hole". I saw this and stepped back, walked away and reapproached her with more evidence and a stronger/confident additude.
So yes a 180 in my own additude did make a difference when I confronted her and in getting her to see that things...the behaviors in my self were no longer going to tolorate her past behaviors.
My 180 was done during the confrontation, not so much in fighting her fog. I think she was coming out of the fog when I "all most "confronted her, but when I regrouped and "manned up" my confrotation was more effective.
That is why I believe it is so important for a spouse to really make a game plan before they confront. The confrontation if done right can make all the difference in the world. Ones 180 must be implimented before the confrontation..I think it has to be done when one starts to investage or the suspicion on infidelity starts.
No success stories from my end. I put up with my wife not having sex with me for four years and her selfish attitude, but was forced to put my foot down when she mistreated my parents. I pointed out all my dissatisfaction, and threatened to leave. She cried and promised she would change. She's a lot nicer since then, but people don't change overnight... and they can't change who they are. So my marriage is still in a mess. Doing the 180 didn't make me understood by my wife, apart from generating a little bit of compassion.
Summary: if people don't want to change, if they don't feel empathy, there's never any hope in such relationships.
Reallyover the one thing you need to realize is she just didn't wake up and decide to tell you she wants a divorce...there is a lot of history in her thought process to come to the point of telling you to your face..it will take years to work on the issue and even then it might not be enough depending on the circumstances surrounding her decision to let you know..the truth is only YOU know what you were like in the marriage and now is the time for an honest reflection on your part as to why it has come to this point and to work on rebuilding yourself to possibly leave a life without her..maybe she will come around and maybe she won't..not trying to put a negative spin on it but more of working on your future for you..it really sucks to be in this situation especially if you do not want to split but there are many on this site who have gone or are going through the same thing..good luck and only time will heal the pain you will go through.
The 180 worked great for me (so far). About 3 1/2 months ago my w told me she didn't love me after 10 years of marriage. I went through some serious emotional upheaval for about 10 days until I decided on the 180 and completely detached from her. While I was losing weight, getting fit, feeling and looking great, she escalated our conflict and made herself more and more miserable. When she finally served me with divorce papers I took the kids on a week vacation at the shore. The day after we returned, I asked my w to meet at 7AM. Then I told her we would sell the house, she could have half of everything and we would split custody at 3 1/2 days each. She argued and complained but I said I was sure I could get this and it was a precisely equal split. She went off and thought about it for 8 hours and came back saying she wanted to work things out. And that's what we're doing Posted via Mobile Device
It's working on me.
It also is working on my wife, even though, i tend to break some of the rules at time.
It's hard sometimes not to respond.
Like yesterday, I wrote her and told her, i was walking away from us.
This morning, she sent me an email, basically still living in the past.
So, i sat down and wrote her a long, long email. I know, i shouldn't have. But felt, since i couldn't get some of the things addressed. i would adress them then.
I told her, i wasn't afraid of losing her. that I was at cross roads with her and didn't know what to do anymore.
I also took full blame for everything.
I explained some things.
but also did it to get them off my chest and plant seeds. When I've done those things in the past..she tends to wanna nibble for more, once i closed up afterwards.
This last stand was to merely tell her..i can't change the past. that we both did some things wrong, that it was toottaly up to her, if she wanted to try and work things out with me. I would not date her or try..unless she kicked her boyfriend to the curb.
I was very firm with her on that because she keeps bringing it up to me. I told her, I'm not second class material and not going to take her out so she can run home to him. if she wanted him, i was fine by that. I wasn't going to be in an open relationship.
Yes, it's working the hell out of me. I feel much better, more confident about myself. Plus it tends to get her to notice me as well. But she is still in the fog and scared.
That's fine..she can be foggy all she wants and scared.
I'm not going to be scared anymore.
As I told her, I have A LOT of passion built up inside me on life. That I want to experience new things, go places. But if she didn't want me to do those things with anyone else. She better get off her ass..lol
Yes, it's hard. but the more and more..I put total effort into the 180, the more and more..she notices and comes out kicking and screaming for attention.
It's a matter of time.
Right now, she see's me an an arrigant pr*ck. Full of confidence and balls big enough to fit in the back of any truck.
She's also notices how, I've lost about 40 lbs in the last 3-4 months from working out alone. that my muscles are starting to chisel and she has gained (No lie) what I have lost.
So, that's a sgn of her not being happy.
Time and patience are two things that are tough for us to deal with.
But yes, the 180 works.
I also recommend "Manning Up" and No More, Mr. Nice Guy.
With the combo of those 3 things.
You'll reclaim your man card back in no time.
I didnt know anything about the 180 when I did it, my husband called me one day and said he wanted a divorce, i was sad but never asked him to come back. my son said after a week of me being sad that i havent cooked a nice dinner in a while(he was used to family dinners) that was all it took i was at the market that day and we had a nice dinner. I had to move on for him, I had a child that needed a mother that wasnt always depressed and neglecting him by chasing someone that didnt want to be here. we also too off on a disney vacation. we did the things we always did. summers we were always out as i was a stay at home mom and could spend time with him. so we lived our lives the way we would have without my husband.
I was actually liking the independence, as husband was always the controlling one. he seen i didnt need him anymore, we were doing fine without him. I had friends we went out when husband took son for his nights. I was having fun and he seen that. I may have wanted him I didnt need him to survive. It was a yr and a half we were literally 1 week away from the final papers to be signed when he came back. were doing great now, its nice now that i have control.
You know, the funny thing to me about the 180 is that it's more about taking control of your life, rather than taking control of the destiny of the marriage. Someone I knew asked me, "so, you're going to do this 180 thing? You think that'll get her back on board with you?"
I said, "getting her back on board with me is only going to happen if she wants it to happen. I'm doing the 180 for me."
So I'm doing this for me. No more doting on her. No more coddling her. No more hanging on her every word. I'm making myself my own person.
And hopefully, in doing that, I'll be more desirable, and she'll remember why she wanted me in the first place. But to me it's not the goal. It's a bonus.
The 180 worked for me. I am one year out from D day. I was put through h*ll for a year. When I found the undeniable proof, I did the 180. Including a full exposure to the OW's H and my H's family. I changed the locks on the door, got a kitten for my kids who were hurting, (he's allergic to cats)I got a lawyer and filed for divorce and FULL custody of our two kids. I started saving evidence and became VERY cold toward him. I also worked with the OW's H and sent him ALL the proof which created a sh*t storm on her end. My H ended up with a huge reality slap and realized what he was about to lose. He and the OW started throwing each other under the bus and he began to see what kind of person she was. (Very long story)
It has been a VERY long year of hard work and counseling for us as a couple and individually, but we are doing very well. He is truly remorseful and has been doing everything he should be doing. ie, full transparency, etc. I can honestly say that I ALMOST see the man I married again. I say 'almost' because it takes time to recover. He from his guilt and self-loathing and me for trusting him.
Looking back, I think the 180 worked for me because I was COMPLETELY okay with divorcing him. Don't get me wrong, I was sad and didn't want a divorce, but also knew that there was no way I was going to allow myself to be a victim either. I was going to do EVERYTHING I could to make sure I was able to take care of my kids and let people know if this marriage was going to be over, it was his actions that caused it.
My advice... Look at doing the 180 as a way to better yourself, show your strength, power and self-worth. Be okay if it doesn't lead to an R. Do it for YOU!! If it leads to an R, GREAT! But, if it doesn't, you have done everything you need to in order to take care of YOURSELF!!!