Wow... that is all - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #46 of 126 (permalink) Old 03-24-2016, 01:22 PM Thread Starter
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Mediation date set for a week from this coming Monday. I'm not really looking forward to it.

I have been making a list of the items I covered the last mediation 6 months ago that she agreed to but didn't follow through:

1. Homework, still not being done. I would guess she has worked with our son twice in 6 months.

2. Bathing, my 5 yr old daughter frequently comes home from school now on Wednesday without having been given a bath or shower for 2 or 3 days prior at mom's house.

3. New item - coparenting. When my kids came back from school yesterday I went into daughters bag to do some homework with her. The papers were missing. I text my exwife (did 1 day of homework through 03/24 currently) and she replies she is keeping the homework because she wants to do with daughter over the holiday weekend. I reply that is ridiculous and unacceptable and of course I am a "nasty bully when I don't agree with her." When did we discuss her withholding homework because she did nothing all month and doesn't want it turned in with only my initials? WTF am I nuts because I feel like I am either crazy or dealing with an insane person. I have never heard of this before, keeping homework so the responsible parent doesn't look so responsible.

I can't live like this anymore. It is taking a heavy toll on me. She does nothing.

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post #47 of 126 (permalink) Old 04-05-2016, 12:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wow... that is all

My ex pushed the mediation day back - now rescheduled for 04/22/16. She was in Vegas and flying home yesterday during the scheduled meeting time, she actually was bright enough to contact the family court to let them know. She called me last week as I questioned who would the kids go to if they are sick Monday morning (her custody day) and she is in Vegas. When she called, she asked why I was taking her back to mediation and I listed the reasons. She went off like a nuclear bomb. She blamed our son for not wanting to do the homework, saying he replies "Dad already practiced with me" and then went off saying I put too much pressure on them. Then how I'm emotionally abusive, an a$$hole, a bully, and every other terrible thing you can think of. I replied - I'm just trying to get their homework done, baths done, teeth brushed, etc...
She said fine okay -type up whatever I want her to do each night and she'll agree and sign it. I replied I did that 6 months ago at mediation and she did nothing so now I'm going to request change in custody. She blew up then hung up. Good talk...

Anyways, I took the kids down to my folks farm this weekend. On the trip down, they told me how my Ex had left our son (8) home alone while she ran some errands with our daughter (5). And how my son got scared and started panicking. Then he started crying and said he didn't want to talk about it.

So... more ammo for mediation & custody change I guess. I am in shock that she left him. I shouldn't be I know. But I am.
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post #48 of 126 (permalink) Old 04-22-2016, 01:59 PM Thread Starter
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Wrapped up mediation this morning. Needless to say not a fun experience.

I basically stated I felt she didn't follow through on anything from the last mediation six months earlier. Homework, care of the kids, being financially responsible, etc. All just meaningless agreements.

The mediator stressed repeatedly that we don't have a right to control "how" each parent runs their own home. And how my ex's "style" can be different from mine and even though I don't like it, that is her right.

I countered that I don't think doing nothing qualifies as a "style" and how I feel it is detrimental to the children. And that I have a right to request a guardian ad litem if I feel it is warranted.

My ex brushed it off "you are going to request a guardian because of some spelling tests?"

I have been thinking this over. If it were just some spelling tests that's one thing. This runs much deeper. She has proven since she left she cannot be trusted to care for them. She does not keep her word and lies consistently as it concerns the kids.

Maybe I am overbearing. I don't know what to do. I explained that I am begging for help and she clings to her "style" of not helping like it's the best thing since sliced bread.

The mediator (female) tried to say we'll if you don't give her a chance you don't know you can't trust her. I replied that I gave her the last 6 months with no change.

My ex points to their grades and the kids are indeed doing very well. But only because I help them every night. All we do is homework playing catch up since she does nothing and I can't watch them fail.

Do I need to let them fail for her to see this? I don't think I can do that, intentionally harm them that wat.

Anyone with any insight please feel free to chime in. This is so bad for me.
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post #49 of 126 (permalink) Old 04-22-2016, 02:08 PM
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Re: Wow... that is all

are you too far in the process to request a new Mediator? this one is a joke
better yet can your son be interviewed by the mediator in order to speak to your ex wife parenting skills?
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post #50 of 126 (permalink) Old 04-22-2016, 02:11 PM
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Re: Wow... that is all

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Originally Posted by cbnero View Post
Wrapped up mediation this morning. Needless to say not a fun experience.

I basically stated I felt she didn't follow through on anything from the last mediation six months earlier. Homework, care of the kids, being financially responsible, etc. All just meaningless agreements.

The mediator stressed repeatedly that we don't have a right to control "how" each parent runs their own home. And how my ex's "style" can be different from mine and even though I don't like it, that is her right.

I countered that I don't think doing nothing qualifies as a "style" and how I feel it is detrimental to the children. And that I have a right to request a guardian ad litem if I feel it is warranted.

My ex brushed it off "you are going to request a guardian because of some spelling tests?"

I have been thinking this over. If it were just some spelling tests that's one thing. This runs much deeper. She has proven since she left she cannot be trusted to care for them. She does not keep her word and lies consistently as it concerns the kids.

Maybe I am overbearing. I don't know what to do. I explained that I am begging for help and she clings to her "style" of not helping like it's the best thing since sliced bread.

The mediator (female) tried to say we'll if you don't give her a chance you don't know you can't trust her. I replied that I gave her the last 6 months with no change.

My ex points to their grades and the kids are indeed doing very well. But only because I help them every night. All we do is homework playing catch up since she does nothing and I can't watch them fail.

Do I need to let them fail for her to see this? I don't think I can do that, intentionally harm them that wat.

Anyone with any insight please feel free to chime in. This is so bad for me.
My BIL is in similar situation. XW feeds junk to the kids. Bathes them whenever. Does not keep up on homework. My BIL counters all of that with feeding proper foods, taking them to activities, homework done and vacations. He stopped with the worry and trying to prove his XW unworthy. It is a waste time because as far as the courts are concerned the kids are housed and fed. Spend your energies as you have....focusing on the kids.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #51 of 126 (permalink) Old 04-22-2016, 02:56 PM
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Re: Wow... that is all

Some courts have trained social workers called parent coordinators to work through these issues with parents. Check and see if yours does.
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post #52 of 126 (permalink) Old 04-22-2016, 08:06 PM Thread Starter
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My BIL is in similar situation. XW feeds junk to the kids. Bathes them whenever. Does not keep up on homework. My BIL counters all of that with feeding proper foods, taking them to activities, homework done and vacations. He stopped with the worry and trying to prove his XW unworthy. It is a waste time because as far as the courts are concerned the kids are housed and fed. Spend your energies as you have....focusing on the kids.[/QUOTE]

This was extremely helpful thank you. I guess I'm teetering on one whether this is acceptance of what I can't change, or the courage to face what I can?

I agree, I'll never change her. And like a horse being pulled to water - the more I pull the harder she resists.

I feel like I'm giving up, but I suppose you are right. Doubtful the courts will help me.

The relationship stuff with her is easy minefield to navigate now. Watching my kids get hurt is tough. Guess this is just another phase of grief and acceptance I'll need to move past. Ugh. I'm tired.
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post #53 of 126 (permalink) Old 04-23-2016, 01:55 PM
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Re: Wow... that is all

I'd push for the guardian ad litem and for the children to see a child psychologist so that the court can get a clear picture that what is going on isn't a difference in parenting style, it's neglect.

You can't be too civilized about this. Make a stink about your kids being unbathed, your ex withholding homework, the excessive tardiness (in our district, two tardies = 1 absence and 12 absences in a semester = failing), and your son being left home alone and apparently being so traumatized by it that he cried and can't even talk about it.

Take your documented neglect and put it before a judge. If you push the courts and/or social services to investigate and the judge refuses to make changes, fine. At least you did everything you could. But I wouldn't keep going to mediation.
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post #54 of 126 (permalink) Old 04-23-2016, 03:30 PM
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Re: Wow... that is all

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I'd push for the guardian ad litem and for the children to see a child psychologist so that the court can get a clear picture that what is going on isn't a difference in parenting style, it's neglect.

You can't be too civilized about this. Make a stink about your kids being unbathed, your ex withholding homework, the excessive tardiness (in our district, two tardies = 1 absence and 12 absences in a semester = failing), and your son being left home alone and apparently being so traumatized by it that he cried and can't even talk about it.

Take your documented neglect and put it before a judge. If you push the courts and/or social services to investigate and the judge refuses to make changes, fine. At least you did everything you could. But I wouldn't keep going to mediation.
This. I wouldn't waste your money. I started out in mediation but it became increasingly clear that whatever money we saved on not hiring our own lawyers, I was throwing away on a guy for a mediator who clearly had a soft spot for my sociopathic XH and thought that whatever my concerns were over my son's well-being, they were unwarranted. He was condescending and extremely unprofessional. It doesn't sound like yours is as bad, but if he isn't serving your needs (which frankly he isn't paid to do, he's paid to mediate) you should rethink your adherence to mediation.

Get your own lawyer. My lawyer (a woman) is smart, plucky, and talks me down when I overreact, but has also helped me in developing an effective case for sole custody down the line. A good lawyer can help you with those building blocks. It sounds like you have thought through all of this. Keep a record with dates of specific incidents. Looks like you have started to do that. Do it each time. Show your (own) lawyer. And be adamant with your lawyer that this state of affairs cannot continue.
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post #55 of 126 (permalink) Old 04-23-2016, 06:20 PM Thread Starter
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I feel like I definitely have enough to make a compelling argument.

I dragged the ex to mediation 8 months ago, she promised to get her act together. Obviously she didn't even try.

In order to request a guardian, I was required to take her back to mediation again and then state to the mediator that I do not agree and request a guardian ad litem. At that point the mediator sends a letter to the court informing them that no agreement was reached. Then it is up to my lawyer to file for a guardian upon my request.

I requested the Guardian at the mediation yesterday. Once the court gets notified - it is up to me/my lawyer to initiate moving fwd with it. So everything is right now at boiling point and I can decide to move or not move forward with it.

The mediator is a woman. I'm sure she sees most mom's doing it all and deadbeat dads. She likely not used to seeing the opposite. But, I admit, it was frustrating g her dismissing my concerns as my ex having a different "style." Yeah right.... that's funny.

Usually my son's teacher gets his spelling list emailed out on Wed or Thurs, but this week she didn't get it out until Friday. My ex has the kids all weekend. If she works with him and he passes I'll be shocked but it would be an indication to me that she is at least doing something. If he fails and she didn't help him, then I think I will drop the hammer and file.

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post #56 of 126 (permalink) Old 04-23-2016, 07:08 PM
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Re: Wow... that is all

I don't know how it is in America OP but in other countries it's actually illegal to leave a child under the age of 12 home alone, even while just going down the road for errands. It's heartless - to think of him being in the house alone & scared. This in itself I would have thought would be enough to get full custody. It's disgraceful. Imagine if he panicked, ran out of the house down the road looking for her & got lost. I don't even like to think about it as I'm sure you don't.

Try asking your kids about the time she left your child alone & record it, e.g. on your iPhone. You can play that to the mediator.

Make sure you document absolutely everything from now on to bring it with you to mediations. You can even ask the kids' teachers, diplomatically, to send you a note/email when the kids haven't done their homework or anything else that is amiss the nights they stay with her.

Withholding homework to do it over the holidays flies in the face of the reason kids get holidays as we adults do, to relax and rest with no homework to do. Try fitting that into 'parenting style'.

Can't say much for the mediator and her talk of parenting 'style'. What nonsense. Ask her next time what she thinks of an 8 year old kid being left home alone & how 'parenting style' fits into that.

It is very disruptive for kids if they have to do homework in one parents' house & not the other. They need routine. Perhaps you can visit one, explain what' going on & get them to write a report for you to bring along too. The more armoury you have, the better.


I'm so sorry you are going through all this.
PS Interesting that you said she does very well at her real estate job. So she's quite capable if she wants to be. I too suspect a mental health problem, in the Cluster B classification. But it can be difficult to prove & I can't imagine her allowing herself to be appraised by a psychiatrist.

"We just kissed".

Last edited by Moonshadow; 04-23-2016 at 07:19 PM.
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post #57 of 126 (permalink) Old 04-24-2016, 07:56 PM Thread Starter
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I could do only the homework that is sent on my custody days and let him fail the others on her days. I could do that... would definitely prove my point and make my case against her.

But I cant. I cannot knowingly let him fail and watch him get hurt. If he were a little older and could assume some responsibility maybe, but these are little kids who are always sad. My son is rarely happy.

In her journey for personal happiness, she has left a wake of destruction that everyone who loved her is now paying the price.

I have around $500 in medical bills she owes me. I've already paid everything and sent her the bills and paid receipts. She doesn't even acknowledge it. Just goes shopping, partying, travelling.

Honestly at this point, I'm leaning towards what a previous poster said and thinking of just letting go. Not even bothering to send her bills anymore. It isn't worth the aggravation of her messing with me. Th e courts won't help me.

I have been as far NC as I thought I could get, considering we have kids. Now I feel like one need to double my efforts for NC even more and just disconnect entirely. If it costs me a few thousand a year but it means she can't jerk me around it will be worth it.

I'll just do my very best with the schoolwork and personal care, eat the medical bills and unpaid health ins premiums, and keep moving forward with my life. She has lied so much I just can't even trust in the slightest anymore. Maybe she would be nice for a bit, but I know it's just a matter of time before I get hurt again.

Wow this is one messy divorce! Haha
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post #58 of 126 (permalink) Old 04-25-2016, 08:09 AM
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Re: Wow... that is all

Have a sit down with principal at their school. The homework issue is very common today.

Often times the student would be given a chance to make up missed work or a poor test grade.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #59 of 126 (permalink) Old 01-22-2017, 09:38 PM Thread Starter
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Happy 2017 TAM'rs!

Just thought I would share an update on the Ex. I have been NC like it's my job since the divorce was final, geez way back in March 2014.

Ex is lousy mom, IMO. Not a drug dealer or bringing tons of dudes around the kids, so I am thankful to her for that. I think she's trying her best. Just some people aren't good parents.

Anyways she consistently is trying to get me to do stuff with her and the kids, as a "family." I refuse every time and tell her to leave me alone and stop asking as I'm not at all interested. Then today I get an email from her... I'll post it next for your enjoyment.

Classic stuff.
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post #60 of 126 (permalink) Old 01-22-2017, 09:38 PM Thread Starter
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I am writing to you to apologize. I want to apologize for all the hurtful things I said to you. At the end I was experiencing many emotions and feelings. From our past and at the time present relationship. That however, did not give me the right to try and hurt you. I did love you and was attracted to you. We had a lot of great times together that I am so thankful for. I ask for your forgiveness, I am so remorseful for the pain I caused you.

I know you have your own beliefs, but I promise you, God is my witness that I never had a romantic or sexual relationship with anyone outside of our marriage. At the end, did I reach out to anyone that would listen and give me attention that I was so desperately craving, absolutely. I apologize for that, that was extremely sinful of me. I felt rejected and abandoned within our relationship. However, that did not give me the right to shut you out and cling to false friendships.

I pray for your forgiveness.
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