Wow... that is all - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
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post #61 of 92 (permalink) Old 01-22-2017, 09:47 PM
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Re: Wow... that is all

"Thank you."

Nothing more, nothing less.


"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #62 of 92 (permalink) Old 01-22-2017, 09:57 PM Thread Starter
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Oh gosh - I'm not replying at all. No triggering here. Complete "meh" moment for me. I feel absolutely nothing for her at this point, good or bad. I don't think about her, miss her, heck I hardly remember being with her.

I was just surprised that 3 or 4 years later I get this email out of nowhere. Maybe she is doing some 12 step program or something.

Just seemed funny to me - like wtf do I care at this point? What is that email going to change for me? Nothing. It's like a worthless stock - not worth the paper it's printed on. If she understood how I felt and was actually remorseful, she'd let me have majority custody and quit bugging me about this stupid stuff from when we were married. At the end of the day, she left her kids and husband and blew up her family. Not my problem if she feels guilty, and I doubt she really even does. Sorry life doesn't have a reset button.
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post #63 of 92 (permalink) Old 01-22-2017, 10:04 PM
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Re: Wow... that is all

It's the kids, NOT you. Focus kids ONLY.

She had her time in the Sun, she F'ed it up..... way things go.

Nothing changes but the dates on the calendar

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #64 of 92 (permalink) Old 01-22-2017, 10:15 PM
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Re: Wow... that is all

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Originally Posted by cbnero View Post
Oh gosh - I'm not replying at all. No triggering here. Complete "meh" moment for me. I feel absolutely nothing for her at this point, good or bad. I don't think about her, miss her, heck I hardly remember being with her.

I was just surprised that 3 or 4 years later I get this email out of nowhere. Maybe she is doing some 12 step program or something.

Just seemed funny to me - like wtf do I care at this point? What is that email going to change for me? Nothing. It's like a worthless stock - not worth the paper it's printed on. If she understood how I felt and was actually remorseful, she'd let me have majority custody and quit bugging me about this stupid stuff from when we were married. At the end of the day, she left her kids and husband and blew up her family. Not my problem if she feels guilty, and I doubt she really even does. Sorry life doesn't have a reset button.
Your wife sounds a little off. It's nice to see another positive post - post D. I wish some of the BS trapped and unhappy could see more of these.
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post #65 of 92 (permalink) Old 01-22-2017, 10:16 PM
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Re: Wow... that is all

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I am writing to you to apologize. I want to apologize for all the hurtful things I said to you. At the end I was experiencing many emotions and feelings. From our past and at the time present relationship. That however, did not give me the right to try and hurt you. I did love you and was attracted to you. We had a lot of great times together that I am so thankful for. I ask for your forgiveness, I am so remorseful for the pain I caused you.

OMG!!!! I just realized I'm not a special snowflake!!!!! Life is hard now so you need to take me back now. K?

I know you have your own beliefs, but I promise you, God is my witness that I never had a romantic or sexual relationship with anyone outside of our marriage. At the end, did I reach out to anyone that would listen and give me attention that I was so desperately craving, absolutely. I apologize for that, that was extremely sinful of me. I felt rejected and abandoned within our relationship. However, that did not give me the right to shut you out and cling to false friendships.

I'm still going to lie because you wouldn't take me back if you knew the dark and dirty truth.

But I'm ok with that. K?

I pray for your forgiveness.
It's amazing that she still thinks she has the power to manipulate and control you. Denial of where she's at.

Last edited by Marc878; 01-22-2017 at 10:27 PM.
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post #66 of 92 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 04:26 AM
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Re: Wow... that is all

CB, you are doing so well, good on you!
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post #67 of 92 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 05:43 AM
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Re: Wow... that is all

My old neighbor in Texas got full custody of his 3 children. You need to keep records of EVERYTHING, have teachers inform you (in writing) if the children are tardy, dirty, smelly, no homework etc. My neighbor had the advantage of a shared nanny who also kept records if everything going on. He got his case assessed regularly by a judge NOT just mediation.

His ex can now request supervised visitation with the children.

She arrived an hour late for their sons birthday party because she had to buy a gift!!! She left the party after an hour because she had a date with a man she met in a bar the night before!!! Their son was very upset.

Some people (male or female) shouldn't be parents! Some people never change.

I know it's very hard for a father to get full custody but it can happen. Not cleaning little kids teeth, not bathing them, leaving them home alone etc is NOT 'parenting style' it's neglect! As they get older they could be bullied because of this. It's heartbreaking.

I'm so sorry. Thank goodness they have you!

Best wishes.
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post #68 of 92 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 08:01 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wow... that is all

Thank you for the kind words and support! It is a struggle as many of you know.

Here is a summary of what has been occurring in the past 6-12 months. XW wanted to put the kids in therapy because both children pee and soil themselves routinely at her house. I have never been allowed to ask the circumstances or what is happening there that might be contributing to this. She just keeps demanding therapy. Finally I say ok, but I want to know who the therapist is, be kept in the loop, etc... She never tells me anything and 6 months after they have been seeing a therapist sporadically I find out about it. I reach out to the therapist who was a complete b1tch to me and wouldn't share any info on their therapy. My lawyer had to email her demanding info. Basically a complete nightmare.

I tell the XW we need to find a new therapist together and pull my consent to see that therapist anymore. XW refuses to listen and tells me she doesn't care what I think and how she is confident any judge will agree with her. I warn her I will file for contempt. She doesn't care. So I file contempt and have her served. The person serving the papers talks to her neighbor directly next door to see when she will be home. The neighbors didn't even know she had children... I don't want to get into how that came up here online. But also learned she is known as the B in the neighborhood along with other stuff.

Anyways the XW gets served, gets her own lawyer, and then hires a Guardian Ad Litem hoping to get the court to send the kids back to this crazy therapist. My attorney says this is a good thing and wants me to share what I have been going through and request custody change. I met with GAL and laid it all out. The GAL (a woman) basically says this: The kids should see a different therapist. As far as custody - no change at this time. She lays it out in a letter basically saying that both mom & dad have their "strengths & weaknesses." Dad's strength is structured practical parenting. Mom's strength is being emotionally in-tune with the kids. But she is concerned about Dad's tone in communication with Mom, how I am overassertive. But that Mom also needs to "step up her game a little bit" when it comes to parenting the children. Whatever... yeah, if you don't feed the kids breakfast in the morning or bathe them for 3-4 days straight, or bring our son late to his student council meetings then yes - I am not going to be all nice about it. That's crap. I'm worried about the kids, not about my XW feelings.

So our court date was coming up next week. XW wanted me to drop the contempt charge and her and her lawyer were threatening all sorts of stuff and making dumb offers, still trying to get the kids back to nutjob therapist. I held firm. As of last week, 2 days after here apology email, XW agreed to pay some of my legal fees, all the Guardian Ad Litem fees, the court fees, etc... and also find a different jointly chosen therapist in exchange for me withdrawing the complaint. I agreed to that.

Meanwhile this year - last Friday my daughters K teacher told me my daughter is doing so well that her math and literacy are up at a 2-3rd grade level and they are advancing her to higher ed for gifted kids. My ex has never helped with homework, I have worked with my kids daily when I have them. Both are tops in their class.
For the XW - still has not paid any $ for their lunches this school year. Waiting again on her portion for health insurance. Not helping kids still with homework or their education. Not sure on bathing and personal care.

I think she is doing the best she can, and just isn't meant to be a parent. I am doing well emotionally and financially. Not dating anyone. I have no desire to go through this again. And I won't risk my relationship with my children (6 & 9) for my own selfish wants. I'm okay with being alone. I spend a lot of time with my family and friends and my relationship with my kids is awesome. Sometimes I think I should try dating again but right now the kids need me, they don't get a 2nd chance, and for right now they need my attention and focus. I realize maybe I'm not fully recovered and emotionally healed and this isn't long-term healthy for me. But I figure we all have our own problems... haha
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post #69 of 92 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 09:00 AM
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Re: Wow... that is all

The children peeing themselves at their age is a concern. Could you have CPS make pop-in visits?

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #70 of 92 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 10:14 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Wow... that is all

Peeing and pooping both. I have asked my XW more times than I can count - what is happening there when this occurs, what is their emotional state, are you playing with them or are they playing alone, what have they eaten, what are you talking about, etc... She refuses to reply with any information whatsoever. She just says "it's not something either of us is doing and we shouldn't be blaming the other parent."

So WTF am I supposed to do. The GAL recommended therapy, at least for sure for our son, who is 9. I think a big part of the problem there, in my opinion, is 2 things - 1)She has them playing by themselves a lot on their iPads instead of doing stuff with them like I do. 2)She continuously brings up their emotions and therapy and soiling and whatever else on a non-stop basis.

My son has mentioned unprovoked that he likes it at my house because I don't bug him all the time about his emotions, like his mom does. I just let them be kids and be themselves.

At this point, I will get no help from the court. I'm on my own. I am hopeful this new therapist will help them because if she isn't going to be a good parent they will need to reconcile that emotionally. I also know she is routinely bringing up the idea of all of us still doing things as a "family" to which I always decline and ask her to stop bringing it up.

But yeah, a lot of guessing on my part because she doesn't communicate and I don't really know what is going on there. I can tell you these kids are fine at my house. Do they sometimes get sad - yes. I can tell my oldest (son, 9) does get sad/depressed and isolate himself at times. It isn't often and we talk about it and focus on staying positive and moving forward. But that's like 1 or 2 times a month. Could he be internalizing a lot of emotions? Maybe... that worries me.

So I think a therapist might be helpful. But I think not continuously picking at that wound and letting them heal would be helpful as well. If someone brought up terrible things about my life on a daily basis I'd probably be sad and depressed too.

XW lays a guilt trip on me whenever possible. It's all my fault and I'm to blame for everything. So I have shut her out completely from my life. I understand that makes things hard for the kids, but I am focused on living a normal life and moving forward and staying positive. I think that is why they do not have these issues with me. And I don't want the kids to think there is something wrong with them. They are reacting normally. My XW and MYSELF are to blame for this mess, not them. Do I have my own faults, absolutely. At this point I am just trying to be a good parent and live my life free of her. I am staying focused on my shortcomings and trying to improve them. My XW seems to have no clue that she has any shortcomings, refuses to communicate and resolve even the slightest issue, lies continuously, and is not responsible. Things are what they are.

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post #71 of 92 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 11:30 AM
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Re: Wow... that is all

She blames you huh? Wasn't she the one who cheated? Re-writing history.

Blames you because they're depressed. Blameshifting

I think you have the kids 50 / 50. If ALL the pee and poop happens on her watch,

that is very concerning. I agree with therapy for them but I also would suggest talking to the

school psychologist and social worker. They see the kids every day.... they can keep a written

record of the similarities and differences when they are with each parent.

God knows if you were doing what she is, they'd nail your arse to the wall.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #72 of 92 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 01:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wow... that is all

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She blames you huh? Wasn't she the one who cheated? Re-writing history.

Blames you because they're depressed. Blameshifting

I think you have the kids 50 / 50. If ALL the pee and poop happens on her watch,

that is very concerning. I agree with therapy for them but I also would suggest talking to the

school psychologist and social worker. They see the kids every day.... they can keep a written

record of the similarities and differences when they are with each parent.

God knows if you were doing what she is, they'd nail your arse to the wall.
Yes, this all happens only on her watch, at her house. I will speak to the school psychologist - good idea. It would be helpful if they know what is going on and can help keep an eye on the kids.
Their teachers are aware that sometimes they come without breakfast in the morning.

You are 100% correct about the hypothetical role reversal --- If it were the man dropping the ball on the kids' care and finances, he would be ostracized and labeled a POS deadbeat. Women would be foaming at the mouth with their hatred towards me. But if it's the mom being a POS, she needs just to "step up her game a little bit."
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post #73 of 92 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 02:03 PM
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Re: Wow... that is all

This theory is not taught any longer, well since the 1990s but I am a firm believer in the fact,

when older children wet / soil themselves, they want some form of control of their lives.

Many times they are children who were molested by someone, but not always.

Just wanting to throw that out there

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #74 of 92 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 02:13 PM
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Re: Wow... that is all

@cbnero
You may not have handled it well before but you are making up for that lapse now. You could go down in the hall of fame of TAM.

Even if I don't get likes for it, I'm still going to say it.
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post #75 of 92 (permalink) Old 01-30-2017, 07:39 PM Thread Starter
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It's a lesson I maybe needed to learn but would have preferred a different way to do so... haha!

Yes I didn't respect myself at all before. Doormat with capital D. Makes sense she didn't respect me. Explains why she keeps throwing the same stuff out now thinking it will have some impact on me. That bridge is burned unfortunately.

I haven't been on TAM much to see what's being posted on other threads. Same stuff I'd guess. Too bad people these BS don't listen initially... would save themselves a lot of heartache.

I didn't find TAM until very late. Conrad started speaking truth and it made sense. And everyone told me stuff that turned out to be correct. I still hate divorce. If my XW had been able to get a grip on herself could it have been saved? Sure. But she didn't and it doesn't make sense to go back to that madness again. And I am so relieved it's a small part of my life vs a daily mindbender. I wish my kids didn't have to suffer but I am confident they will pull through. I might not like some parts of my life now but at least I can look in the mirror and be proud of myself and what I've done these past 3 or 4 years. And I can sleep at night. I won't give that up easily. For my XW or anyone else. My terms for my life!
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