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post #91 of 92 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 08:16 PM
Join Date: Nov 2016
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Re: Wow... that is all

Originally Posted by cbnero View Post
This is the type of emails I usually get from her...

On our son having accidents at her house:
...It is always at stressful moments. Especially if he senses things are stressful between you and I or during times of activities that are suppose to be for the "family".

That's why I am leery of what "forgiveness" means to her. She doesn't come out and directly say she wants to get back together anymore, but definitely wants to do stuff as a "family" even though we are now divorced as she wanted. Keeps sending crap to me about forgiving her, including sending emails to my mom.

After I notified her the kids were sent to school without her feeding them any breakfast:
What can I do to put an end to your hate for me. I am working hard at being the best mom I can be and pray for God's help every day. I feel not matter what I do you will continue to tear me down and bully me. I ask that you take a moment to read through your text messages that you send me. They are so hateful and mean. Surly not how God would want you to interact with me. I forgive you for these hurtful words and pray for peace in this situation. Please find it in your heart to forgive me for my hurtful words that I have used against you. I am sorry.

For the record - here is the entirety of what I sent her when they were not fed:
XW, I want you to be aware that Daughter was laying on the floor feeling ill at school this afternoon and she got sick. After we got home she was crying and upset because she was so hungry. Son said he was starving too and that neither had eaten breakfast before school this morning. On the chance it was nausea caused by hunger pains, I fed her dinner and she seemed fine afterwards.
Son also said he was late for his student council meeting today and had been crying at school about it this morning.

I don't see that being such a hateful email to her. My friends and family wanted me to blast her hard, but I didn't. At least I didn't think so.
I didn't see this post before responding to the one before it so I apologize for missing some vital stuff.

Okay, if she's not feeding your kids breakfast that is neglect beyond any reasonable doubt and shows that she's unfit to be a mother. If she admitted to not feeding them in writing, use that against her to try to keep the kids away from her. I wouldn't go to her anymore about anything she does or doesn't do to/for the kids. Get CPS involved next time she does something like this to your children, because that's completely unacceptable and you'll have plenty of witnesses of the aftermath at the school.

If she's reaching out to your mom about forgiveness then it's almost a lock she's hoping for a miracle turnaround with the family reunited. It's manipulative and toxic, but again, I think if you're firm that reconciliation is off the table, but grant forgiveness, there is a chance she'll give up on that pipe dream. Maybe she won't, but again, you know exactly what ignoring those requests do. There's no guesswork there, she will continue to send you emails asking for it, neglect your children and accuse you of being a hateful bully. Why? Because she wants something from you that you're not giving her, but you're also not shutting it down completely in her mind.

This is simply about playing the odds. With your current way of dealing with it you know that there's is almost a 100% chance this will continue for years; it's already been 3-4. But if you do something different, even if it increases the odds by 1% that things will improve in any way, isn't it worth it? Do you think it could actually make things worse for you and/or your children (honest question, not rhetorical)?

She loves playing victim, that much is clear. In my opinion, there's a chance that forgiving her will strip away a lot of her ability to do that in regards to your circumstances at the very least.

Your email sounds reasonable and respectful. In your texts she references, is there any time you've lost your cool and written something like she describes? Not that I would blame you, but if this does escalate be prepared for that to be something she tries to use against you.

Gosh, she certainly is a terror. I'm really sorry.

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post #92 of 92 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 08:30 PM Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 554
Yep. Gotta keep moving forward. I'm smart enough now to know what to watch and listen for with her. If there is real sustained change, I'll know it. Just by her actions with the children.

I think Affaircare was right on the money. I truly believe she is doing her best. Her best is just pretty lousy and unlikely to change. Me trying to get her to change just angers her.

My opinion- her mom ran out on her and her brother at almost exactly same age as our kids. Her mom was cheating on her dad. They divorced. Her dad has or less been a broken down functioning alcoholic smoker his entire life since. When we used to be married he would be at joint family stuff with her mom and he would make comments to me privately which clearly indicated that wound never healed. And her mom was terrible to him. And no one really raised my exwife and her brother. Not in the way a normal child would be raised in a complete home.

I think my exwife just has no clue how to raise kids or what they need. I think she is trying her best. So yes I feel bad for her but at the same time she needs to figure it out on her own. And in the meantime she is toxic for me to be around.
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