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post #91 of 163 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 08:16 PM
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Re: Wow... that is all

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Originally Posted by cbnero View Post
This is the type of emails I usually get from her...

On our son having accidents at her house:
...It is always at stressful moments. Especially if he senses things are stressful between you and I or during times of activities that are suppose to be for the "family".


That's why I am leery of what "forgiveness" means to her. She doesn't come out and directly say she wants to get back together anymore, but definitely wants to do stuff as a "family" even though we are now divorced as she wanted. Keeps sending crap to me about forgiving her, including sending emails to my mom.

After I notified her the kids were sent to school without her feeding them any breakfast:
What can I do to put an end to your hate for me. I am working hard at being the best mom I can be and pray for God's help every day. I feel not matter what I do you will continue to tear me down and bully me. I ask that you take a moment to read through your text messages that you send me. They are so hateful and mean. Surly not how God would want you to interact with me. I forgive you for these hurtful words and pray for peace in this situation. Please find it in your heart to forgive me for my hurtful words that I have used against you. I am sorry.

For the record - here is the entirety of what I sent her when they were not fed:
XW, I want you to be aware that Daughter was laying on the floor feeling ill at school this afternoon and she got sick. After we got home she was crying and upset because she was so hungry. Son said he was starving too and that neither had eaten breakfast before school this morning. On the chance it was nausea caused by hunger pains, I fed her dinner and she seemed fine afterwards.
Son also said he was late for his student council meeting today and had been crying at school about it this morning.


I don't see that being such a hateful email to her. My friends and family wanted me to blast her hard, but I didn't. At least I didn't think so.
I didn't see this post before responding to the one before it so I apologize for missing some vital stuff.

Okay, if she's not feeding your kids breakfast that is neglect beyond any reasonable doubt and shows that she's unfit to be a mother. If she admitted to not feeding them in writing, use that against her to try to keep the kids away from her. I wouldn't go to her anymore about anything she does or doesn't do to/for the kids. Get CPS involved next time she does something like this to your children, because that's completely unacceptable and you'll have plenty of witnesses of the aftermath at the school.

If she's reaching out to your mom about forgiveness then it's almost a lock she's hoping for a miracle turnaround with the family reunited. It's manipulative and toxic, but again, I think if you're firm that reconciliation is off the table, but grant forgiveness, there is a chance she'll give up on that pipe dream. Maybe she won't, but again, you know exactly what ignoring those requests do. There's no guesswork there, she will continue to send you emails asking for it, neglect your children and accuse you of being a hateful bully. Why? Because she wants something from you that you're not giving her, but you're also not shutting it down completely in her mind.

This is simply about playing the odds. With your current way of dealing with it you know that there's is almost a 100% chance this will continue for years; it's already been 3-4. But if you do something different, even if it increases the odds by 1% that things will improve in any way, isn't it worth it? Do you think it could actually make things worse for you and/or your children (honest question, not rhetorical)?

She loves playing victim, that much is clear. In my opinion, there's a chance that forgiving her will strip away a lot of her ability to do that in regards to your circumstances at the very least.

Your email sounds reasonable and respectful. In your texts she references, is there any time you've lost your cool and written something like she describes? Not that I would blame you, but if this does escalate be prepared for that to be something she tries to use against you.

Gosh, she certainly is a terror. I'm really sorry.

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post #92 of 163 (permalink) Old 02-09-2017, 08:30 PM Thread Starter
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Yep. Gotta keep moving forward. I'm smart enough now to know what to watch and listen for with her. If there is real sustained change, I'll know it. Just by her actions with the children.

I think Affaircare was right on the money. I truly believe she is doing her best. Her best is just pretty lousy and unlikely to change. Me trying to get her to change just angers her.

My opinion- her mom ran out on her and her brother at almost exactly same age as our kids. Her mom was cheating on her dad. They divorced. Her dad has or less been a broken down functioning alcoholic smoker his entire life since. When we used to be married he would be at joint family stuff with her mom and he would make comments to me privately which clearly indicated that wound never healed. And her mom was terrible to him. And no one really raised my exwife and her brother. Not in the way a normal child would be raised in a complete home.

I think my exwife just has no clue how to raise kids or what they need. I think she is trying her best. So yes I feel bad for her but at the same time she needs to figure it out on her own. And in the meantime she is toxic for me to be around.
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post #93 of 163 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 03:33 PM Thread Starter
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Obviously those predicting the Ayatollah wouldn't go away... good guesses!

I have been very nice and friendly towards her. Mainly I just let any bitterness go and just enjoying my life.

Of course last week she asks if I would like to do a "family" dinner this Easter. I politely say no.

Then today, a text out of the blue from her:

XW: hello would you be willing to go to counseling with me? I would pay for it

Me: Everything seems good, why rock the boat

XW: the offer is there if you ever change your mind

Me: We can get along great like we have been for the next decade. There is no chance I will ever change my mind about having anything more than civil communication. You can't change the past and I don't owe you any more of my life or time. You're forgiven, move on. Thanks

---------------------------------

I was going to ignore and not reply but I thought I would clearly state my wishes (again) and tell her she is forgiven and to move on.

Thoughts?
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post #94 of 163 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 04:37 PM
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Re: Wow... that is all

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Obviously those predicting the Ayatollah wouldn't go away... good guesses!

I have been very nice and friendly towards her. Mainly I just let any bitterness go and just enjoying my life.

Of course last week she asks if I would like to do a "family" dinner this Easter. I politely say no.

Then today, a text out of the blue from her:

XW: hello would you be willing to go to counseling with me? I would pay for it

Me: Everything seems good, why rock the boat

XW: the offer is there if you ever change your mind

Me: We can get along great like we have been for the next decade. There is no chance I will ever change my mind about having anything more than civil communication. You can't change the past and I don't owe you any more of my life or time. You're forgiven, move on. Thanks

---------------------------------

I was going to ignore and not reply but I thought I would clearly state my wishes (again) and tell her she is forgiven and to move on.

Thoughts?
Like many WW after the D is final.... until she can snag another guy, you are still her "de facto" H.
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post #95 of 163 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 04:48 PM Thread Starter
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Yeah I think you're right. I'm hoping that she will take the forgiveness part and finally stop torturing herself about talking to me. I don't even know what she wants to talk about but I know none of it is good for me.

Could be just about co-parenting, could be reconciling, who knows? I don't and I don't care to know.

She should go be happy and leave me the heck alone! That was the whole point of all of this anyways, was her happiness.

Don't have affairs boys and girls... your brain gets invaded by aliens!
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post #96 of 163 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 04:52 PM
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Re: Wow... that is all

Kwestyun: Is the IC about the kids? If it is.... offer to go separately.

If it is about a R.... act accordingly. Maybe she wants to find out why she cheated. Maybe she wants to

see why you just can't ever take her back. Who knows! She doesn't even know....
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post #97 of 163 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 07:47 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chuck71 View Post
Kwestyun: Is the IC about the kids? If it is.... offer to go separately.

If it is about a R.... act accordingly. Maybe she wants to find out why she cheated. Maybe she wants to

see why you just can't ever take her back. Who knows! She doesn't even know....
No, not about the kids. It's about her and I. And either why I won't be her BFF and forgive her and how it's all my fault she did the things she did. Or how it's her fault and I should forgive her and be best buddies now for the kids sake, or is there any chance we could reconcile.

Someone should fill her in that after she cheated on me, told me numerous times how she didn't love me, was never attracted to me, filled multiple notebooks up with all my faults going back 10 years, convinced me I had mental problem with her mother where they tried to have a therapist condemn me for BPD or whatever, told me and anyone who would listen that I was horrible and abusive, and how she hated my guts, oh and don't forget lying about hidden bank accounts while she bled me dry, oh and took half the house stuff while the kids and I were out at a birthday party to come home to an empty house and the kids and I are all crying. And don't forget not feeding and bathing the kids or helping with homework the past 3 years. And whatever other horrors I lived thru during her affair and abandonment that I can't recall this moment...

Yeah I guess you could say I'm not really up for being her friend, boyfriend, or husband again. I'm so mean, I know.
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post #98 of 163 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 08:45 PM
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Re: Wow... that is all

She forgot you drove her to cheat, you cold-hearted man you! LOL

She's gotta blame someone for her F' ups. Can't be her! Funny thing is.... if you actually told her,

what you just posted as why you wouldn't, she and possibly the IC would turn everything around

and make it............ your fault.

XW... you cheated, game over. Good luck.

Nothing more..... let her twist that anyway she wants.
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post #99 of 163 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 09:20 PM Thread Starter
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Yeah I feel like I had too much emotion already in my reply. I should have went with the "game over" or just "pass" or just ignored in the first place.

But the main thing is saying no and not caring anymore or 2nd guessing myself.
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post #100 of 163 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 10:38 PM
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Re: Wow... that is all

I think your response was fine.

Now let it go.


"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #101 of 163 (permalink) Old 03-28-2017, 11:37 PM
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Re: Wow... that is all

Luckily for the Iranian "princess" Mother's Day and Father's Day is upcoming.

She ain't through with you yet, not by a long shot.
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post #102 of 163 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 07:10 AM Thread Starter
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I slipped up and got caught in her trap of madness...

XW replied last week: thanks, forgiveness is one of God's greatest gifts

Me: XW, cut the crap. You were as nasty to me as the day is long. I might forgive you but I don't trust you at all. I'll say anything to get you to leave me be. If I'm going to be stuck with you for the next 10 years I'd rather get along than not. But do NOT quote Scripture to me as it makes me puke in my mouth a little.

6 days later, today, at 1:45 a.m.:

XW: Hi CB, I think the best way to trust someone is to trust in God. I wish I would have left our relationship 100% in his hands.

---------------------------

Sigh... so much for my progress. I didn't and won't reply to her email. It's just a never ending loop with her. No personal accountability.

It sucks but I don't think I can even have civil conversation with this person. I think it needs to be NC now and forever. Don't look at her, don't talk to her. Just keep to strict emails about kids only.

Her affair and meltdown started back in Nov 2012. Here I am over 4 years later looking back and it's been a continously mind bender ever since.

Ugh! Blah!
Aliens!
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post #103 of 163 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 07:38 AM
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Re: Wow... that is all

Some people are just so full of themselves that they can't let go. There's something in her brain that absolutely requires you to see her in a good way, to atone for her sins, so she doesn't have to live the rest of her life feeling guilt and shame over what she's done. Make no mistake, this is 100% about her, and has nothing to do with you, or even wanting to get back with you.

It reminds me of my ex wife, after she split for an OM. I didn't know about the OM for months afterwards. During this time, she wanted little to do with me. Emails were terse and to the point, and often condescending.

Then I started dating. Then magically, she told me she had been dating, too. Then shortly thereafter, that she was moving (to another country!) to be with him. This is ~4 months after she left. I put 2 and 2 together, and figured out this wasn't a new relationship. Called her on it, she denied at first, and then copped to it (more or less) when it was no longer tenable. Eventually settled on "just friends" and "didn't leave you for him" and other BS. Whatever.

Long story short, once it was out in the open and pretty much undeniable, she suddenly became super nice to me. Asked a million and one questions about my girlfriend. Made dinners and brought them over - unannounced! Started showing up at the house that she moved out of to visit the pets, whereas before it was scheduled for when I wouldn't be home.

She didn't want me. But she had this need to be part of my life. Wanted to be "friends", and thought that we could still share all kinds of things with one another.

It's control, plain and simple. She was in control until she wasn't. And she had a need to get it back.



Quote:
Originally Posted by cbnero View Post
I slipped up and got caught in her trap of madness...

XW replied last week: thanks, forgiveness is one of God's greatest gifts

Me: XW, cut the crap. You were as nasty to me as the day is long. I might forgive you but I don't trust you at all. I'll say anything to get you to leave me be. If I'm going to be stuck with you for the next 10 years I'd rather get along than not. But do NOT quote Scripture to me as it makes me puke in my mouth a little.

6 days later, today, at 1:45 a.m.:

XW: Hi CB, I think the best way to trust someone is to trust in God. I wish I would have left our relationship 100% in his hands.

---------------------------

Sigh... so much for my progress. I didn't and won't reply to her email. It's just a never ending loop with her. No personal accountability.

It sucks but I don't think I can even have civil conversation with this person. I think it needs to be NC now and forever. Don't look at her, don't talk to her. Just keep to strict emails about kids only.

Her affair and meltdown started back in Nov 2012. Here I am over 4 years later looking back and it's been a continously mind bender ever since.

Ugh! Blah!
Aliens!

"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."
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post #104 of 163 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 07:57 AM
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Re: Wow... that is all

CB:

If Conrad were here he would be posting the lumber right about now. Come on, man.

To add insult to injury, she was CFD in her response to you. She sounds like she is at 50K.

Does that bother you?

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #105 of 163 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 08:10 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
CB:

If Conrad were here he would be posting the lumber right about now. Come on, man.

To add insult to injury, she was CFD in her response to you. She sounds like she is at 50K.

Does that bother you?
LOL I know, right? I bounced back right away when I saw her email. Figured I'd post my stupidity here and take my lumps.

Initiate lumber delivery.

I doubt she is at 50k, I think she is much higher - as in another solar system. She is crazy as hell.

I'm just hanging my head in shame for getting caught up in it. We had been getting along for a few months. I had been faking nice because she's been giving me the kids a lot more. Suddenly she wants family easter. Nicely decline. Then it's joint counseling with her. Then it's the scripture and forgiveness lines. Then the leave it to God lines.

Seriously what the heck... I am fine getting along but she always crosses the boundaries. So now I go back to NC. Rinse. Dry. Repeat. Circle of he'll! Lol

Stop the madness!
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