Wow... that is all - Page 9 - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #121 of 163 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:15 PM
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Re: Wow... that is all

Cbnero, what pushed you over the edge to file? Was it a defining moment? Or a series of them.

You've done well. Better than most.

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post #122 of 163 (permalink) Old 04-05-2017, 10:49 PM Thread Starter
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The insanity started Nov 2012. She moved out (see: vanished) Nov 2013. I filed the next day.

The misery and hell I allowed myself to go through during that year is tough for me to look back on now. I'm honestly ashamed and humiliated.

I was the world's biggest doormat and sucker. When the kids and I came home to a cleaned out home with no warning, no goodbye, no explanation - I was done. I had to file to save myself. I could not live that way for another minute.

The breaking point was finding she had downloaded my business bank statements while keeping up the charade in Oct. At the time I didnt confront her or say anythjng. Just watched and waited. I knew in my gut if I didn't protect myself she could easily destroy me beyond repair and destroy the lives of my kids beyond just the emotional heartbreak of their parents divorcing.

Did I do everything wrong and against TAM advice for that 1 year? Yes. But I still tried. She could have normalized and figured it out. She didnt. There was a 4 month waiting period after I filed. She could have reached out to me. She never did.

I found TAM maybe 2- 3 weeks after she was gone and I filed. Conrad and crew set me on the right path. Obviously still a struggle to stay on it sometimes.

In my wildest dreams would I have thought the 3 years after the D she would be constantly harassing me to reconcile.
In a way I feel bad for her - I think she is a tortured soul. Easy to say not my problem, but I do love and worry for my kids. If she could get it together it would be better for them.

Unfortunately the kids - even my 6 yr old daughter now - are picking up on her instability and they cry telling me about it. I don't say anything negative about XW to them ever. But at some point in a few years if she doesn't get it together, I'm going to have to explain it somehow. If her actions are so loony that I can't figure it out and it drives me crazy - imagine how the kids feel... ugh.. and I only have very limited contact with her.

There isn't enough time in the day to detail it all. I'll just say it's heartbreaking. My kindergarten daughter was sobbing in her bed last week after I put her to sleep for the night. I went in there and she was crying asking why her mom doesn't do any of the stuff I do. I didn't know what to say other than there's a lot of colors in the rainbow and we are all good at different stuff. And to take a minute to think about the stuff mom is good at.

The kids are definitely the trigger for me. I can't get full custody. So I'm leaving it in God's hands!
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post #123 of 163 (permalink) Old 04-07-2017, 10:57 AM
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Re: Wow... that is all

So many guys make the mistake of... she gotsa cute tail, nice rack, steady job.... WTH not?

Then you fast forward 10-15 years. Nero... did she give off any warning signs early on she was bandaged up?

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #124 of 163 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 06:17 AM Thread Starter
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So many guys make the mistake of... she gotsa cute tail, nice rack, steady job.... WTH not?

Then you fast forward 10-15 years. Nero... did she give off any warning signs early on she was bandaged up?
Oh for sure there were red flags everywhere. In college/ just after - you don't really think about it. At least I didnt. I was pretty naive.

Now I look back and say WTH was I thinking? Why would I ever have accepted some of the stuff she did. Especially her mom, always gave me the heebie jeebies. Funny her daughter ended up her clone...
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post #125 of 163 (permalink) Old 04-08-2017, 12:55 PM
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Re: Wow... that is all

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Oh for sure there were red flags everywhere. In college/ just after - you don't really think about it. At least I didnt. I was pretty naive.

Now I look back and say WTH was I thinking? Why would I ever have accepted some of the stuff she did. Especially her mom, always gave me the heebie jeebies. Funny her daughter ended up her clone...
Can I ask what she did? One thing my pop always stressed to me was -look at her mama, that'll be her

in about 20-25 years.... want that?- I last saw my college flame in late '96.... caught up with her after

my post-D g/f was asked to leave. Lordly lordy.... she became her mother. As usual, pop was right.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #126 of 163 (permalink) Old 05-28-2017, 01:08 AM
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Seems like the kids have some very serious issues. Were they having similar problems before the divorce?

I am not saying take her back, just the opposite make it clear to her that will never happen. But I'd consider going to a family counselor as a group, since the kids are having problems. Something needs to change for their sake.
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post #127 of 163 (permalink) Old 06-07-2017, 10:27 PM Thread Starter
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Greetings all,

Thought I would share an update and this gem of a text convo with you all from tonight.

After a solid 2x4 from the TAM community a few months ago (thank you all for that by the way) I regained my stride. Killing it at work. Parenting like a mad man. In spite of my ex refusing to help in the slightest with kids homework, my son finished straight As and my daughter is being enrolled in the Gifted and Talented program at school.

Relations between the Ayatollah and I have calmed down dramatically, maybe because I did? I am very cordial and after years of asking for help and criticizing her lack thereof, I finally gave up and decided the only thing I have control of is me. So I just get things done and don't react to her.

Then.... tonight. Kids and I are playing and I get a text from her. (You all know what's coming)

Xw: I can I move into your basement...home school the kids and in return I will do all your domestic stuff

Me: umm... is everything okay? Or are you just kidding around

Xw: Ha! I am fine

me: ok... Just checking

Xw: I have decided to not hold back in life and just ask. You never know what the answer will be!

Me: huh. Well... good luck with that. Haha!

-------------------------

End transmission.

Well? Thoughts?
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post #128 of 163 (permalink) Old 06-08-2017, 12:03 AM
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Re: Wow... that is all

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Xw: I can I move into your basement...home school the kids and in return I will do all your domestic stuff

Me: umm... is everything okay? Or are you just kidding around

Xw: Ha! I am fine

me: ok... Just checking

Xw: I have decided to not hold back in life and just ask. You never know what the answer will be!
Another BPD I bet. Ask her to go see a clinical psychologist. I think she needs to get some help. I don't think this will lead you to get back together but it may lead to her stop asking you to.

Last edited by sokillme; 06-08-2017 at 12:53 AM.
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post #129 of 163 (permalink) Old 06-08-2017, 05:38 AM
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Re: Wow... that is all

Do you really need to ask?

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #130 of 163 (permalink) Old 06-08-2017, 05:52 AM Thread Starter
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No. Hahaha

It humored me is all, thought maybe another BS could use the laugh.

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post #131 of 163 (permalink) Old 06-08-2017, 10:35 AM
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Re: Wow... that is all

@cbnero Now that your children are older and are beginning to articulate what is going on, they need to be able to talk to you about it and to form healthy perspectives on their lives, so they don't get sucked into your ex's distorted view of life. Are your children still in therapy? I recommend that you find out how to help them through this. It will only get more intense as they are older. They will want answers and they will look to you for those answers. If you don't give them the answers they require, they will find them somewhere else.

Perhaps rather than specifically addressing their mother's behavior, you could change their question to "someone." "If someone did such and such, would it be appropriate and what would the answer be?" Obviously they are in a vulnerable position of having to respect and obey their mother, but there are ways they can deal with their lives while learning not to be controlled or manipulated. It seems that you are still working that out for yourself. Have you read "Codependent No More," by Melody Beattie and "Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives," by Pia Mellody and Andrea Wells Miller? I highly recommend that you do. The first one is more focused on what the problem is. The second is about solutions and explains what is healthy.

I'm also wondering if there are any books written for children, that you could read with your children, about healthy boundaries. They need to learn these skills in childhood or they will take the dysfunction into adulthood. Yes, you are helping them to be balanced and healthy, but there is an equal pull from their dysfunctional mother. They need skills where they understand what the issue is and how to apply the tools specifically. How to spot manipulation, etc.

Others have stated that your ex is at 50K, but I don't agree. She is highly manipulative and like you said, you feel tortured. She is doing this on purpose. She is calculated. Her crazy seems to me to be highly advanced in that she knows exactly what she is doing and how to press your buttons. She is looking for a response from you for some reason. That is not cool, calm, dispassionate. That is not 50K.


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post #132 of 163 (permalink) Old 06-08-2017, 12:26 PM
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Re: Wow... that is all

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No. Hahaha

It humored me is all, thought maybe another BS could use the laugh.
This will not end anytime soon. You are her de facto H until she snags another guy.

I know I never knew if my XW cheated or not but, I too... am a BS. So you share, as will I....

******If you know anyone with a decent car for sale and take payments let me know. I am suppose to start xxxxx part time on weekend this Saturday. My car engine blew up. Yes it had oil. Lol. Cam shaft crank shaft out. Can you help me try and find a car maybe check under hood make sure good buy.******

A love interest.... yes I would. A close friend....yes. A semi-close friend....yes. A friend of a friend....yes. An exW/gf who owned her schit and sincerely apologized....I might, would request big meal at Italian bistro. An XW who refuses to own any of her schit..... He!! No.

Text went unanswered.

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #133 of 163 (permalink) Old 06-08-2017, 01:02 PM Thread Starter
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Haha well her text made me laugh more than anything.

We have spoken a combined total of 15 minutes in the past 3-4 years. But of course - she should totally move back home! What?!

Then to offer to home school our kids? I haven't been able to get 10 min a week in help from her with their education these past years. But for sure she would be great at it. Ummm.... No

She definitely doesn't have me on the hook as backup, though maybe she thinks she does. I think she is looking thru fantasy glass if she thinks we can reconcile and things would be great.

It doesn't get me rattled at all, so thankful for that. She either has no clue how I feel (complete lack of empathy) or she doesn't care how I feel because she only is thinking about what she wants. I can't divorce her twice. So, all I can do is shake my head and laugh when she sends this garbage.

I'm not worried about the kids. I have a firm grip on explaining things to them and I can tell they already see some of this nonsense for themselves. I just dismiss it - lots of colors in the rainbow. I would never be critical of her to them. Firm boundaries, 50k!
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post #134 of 163 (permalink) Old 06-08-2017, 01:12 PM
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Re: Wow... that is all

WS can't help but keep trying to hit that "re-set button"

A-Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
B-We know what we are, but know not what we may be
C-Never make the person in your present pay for the sins committed by people from your past
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post #135 of 163 (permalink) Old 06-09-2017, 07:39 AM Thread Starter
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WS can't help but keep trying to hit that "re-set button"
No doubt. Saw her last night at son's baseball game. She came and sat by me in the bleachers. Didn't say a word about her text to me - too much of a coward to say any of it to me in person. So bizarre. Lol!
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