ReconciliationThis forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.
Today, after 28 years, I told my wife that I have nothing left. The emotional bank is zero.
I felt great, then sad, then great, then sad, then great. She is hurt beyond words. I think that if she reflects on the truth, she will also agree that there is not much there. We have been at each other for quite a while.
I have kept all this stuff bottled up for a few years. It felt so good to let it out. Now, I face the real possibility that she will ask me to leave and our marriage will be over.
I told her that I would go to counseling. I tried to explain that for some reason, I still loved her, but I had nothing left for the relationship. I can't stand the way she treats me. No surprise, she can't stand the way I treat her.
So now what? Give her space? Touch, don't touch. text, email, talk? What do I do? I have known this woman for 28 years. We have six kids. I don't even know how to approach this. How sad is that.
I didn't know what to expect today. I still was going back and forth emotionally. I know that if my wife and I are to remain together, there is going to be a lot of demolition work, then the clean up crew and finally the reconstruction of our marriage.
I have decided that in this whole process that I might as well start dating my wife again ... or at least try.
I stopped by her work to feel out the situation. I figured it was a public place and I could sense where she was at. I gave her the rest of my venti Starbucks double shot mocha. Sounds shallow I know, but we have always shared drinks like that and I figured if she accepted it would sort of break the ice.
She accepted the drink and graciously and talked with me. She is distant and far away emotionally.
So now it seems we are in the same place. We are on the same page ... married, alone with kids.
I worked until 10:30 last night. She was cordial and casual towards me. I slept well.
When she left for work this morning I never heard the door close. I am wondering why it is the same with our hearts?
my husband and I were in the same place as you almost 2 yrs ago, he was bored with our marriage, it was all rountine, we have one child we had him later in life were in our mid 40s and our son is 7, he didnt really have a family that was close, i on the other hand had a close family we did everything together, so he didnt even know how to play with our son, or couldnt be bothered more like it. he asked for a divorce i was giving it to him no questions asked, if he wanted out then go, if i couldnt make him happy he needed to find someone who could, i think he did, but i had to live for my son, i never asked him to come back. we were civil for our son almost to friendly he would come for dinner it was strange, well this past month he started asking me to lunch i kept blowing him off not wanting to go. I finally went and low and behold he was not happy without me, guess he wasnt that bored here, he asked if we could work on us, so we have been dating and trying to get back what we had in the beginning, i think alot of marriages get rountine and we all get tired and in a rut. it doesnt sound like either one of you are done with the marriage, you should probably take it slow and start dating, get the passion and romance back. be playful with eachother again. thats what were doing and it seems so be working out right now. we all have this idea when we marry that things will be the same forever, we will always have time to lay around and cuddle show affection, be playful, but thats not how it works we have alot of things going on these days, children need to be taken care of, household chores , dinners made and we never just say screw it, it will get done tomorrow, lets just cuddle on the couch. I think we all need to step back and look around to see what is important to us. we all need to feel loved and need affection once in a while.
my husband could kiss me on the top of my head and it feels great, i know he is thinking of me and showing me some sort of affection. we need to slow down and look at these things, and put off the things that can be done tomorrow and work on our relationships. I didnt grow up in a household where my parents showed each other affection, my father kissed my mother once on the lips and i thought it was the greatest thing. my bil and his wife are always showing affection in public(i dont mean dirty) and she will sit on his lap, even when we go to the casino together she sits on his lap at a slot machine and my husband and I would be like ugg wtf there sickning, but you know what there in love, and they arent afraid to show. I now wish we were more like that. so you and your wife should date and take it slow. good luck
I think you have w great opportunity. The fact that you are at the same place emotionally and nice to another is huge. It to many many years to mess up and will take a long time to fix. I think what you have though is a good start. Grieve the death of your old marriage and forge a new one very slowly based on sacrificial love and respect.
Best of luck and God bless Posted via Mobile Device
In my wildest dreams I could never have scripted the events of today.
She left for work without a word. I went to work. I was home for lunch and she came home from work. Determined to date my wife, I was polite and asked how her day was. The talk was small, but a normalcy was starting to develop.
Next thing I know, my wife comes over to me and kisses me like I was the last man on earth. I literally cried with relief. It felt so wonderful. For the next few minutes we just held each other and kissed more passionately that we have in months.
She said she wanted to be done with the fighting. I told her I did too. But I reaffirmed that we really need counseling to help us reboot our marriage. I asked if I could date her again and start fresh. She loved it.
The rest of the day, after I returned from work was amazing. It was good. The glances, the touch, the hugs, little pats that only well seasoned lovers exchange. I knew our day was going to end very nicely.
I went to bed first and fell asleep. I was awaken with some very passionate kisses. We started to fan the flames together. Then, from nowhere, tension set in. She started coughing. One thing led to another and once again I was in bed with a stranger. She literally was a stiff as a board with covers pulled over her. The evening had concluded as far as she was concerned.
I gave her some space. I thought maybe by the grace of God something would change. But slowly her breathing deepened and I realized she was sleeping as peacefully as ever.
It wasn't malice. There was no gloating on her part. She was fast asleep.
I then realized that my wife just wanted a return to our abnormal life together. She felt safe and secure. I was next to her, going no where.
Whatever hope I had from today slowly slid back down into that hollow pit of my being. Her inability to show me true affection and intimacy is one of the major things that has dug that pit over the years. She can smother her kids with affection, but God forbid you do the same with your husband.
After everything is said an done, I guess we both just desired a return to ab-normalcy.
I don't think it's a bad thing! Progress was made! I know it's hard (believe me, I know) but patience is your friend and there will be these ebbs and flows until things start to be resolved.
You cannot expect you wife to sleep with you yet. You have hurt her badly. You should perhaps instigate a sex band for 6 weeks. So that you can learn to be intimate without the pressure of her having to have sex with you. Sex is very emotional for women. She needs to see you love and comfort. Give her a long hug and a kiss instead.
Give her space and time to love and trust you again.
You have to go to counselling and work through this. Do not push it too much or she will back off. Be patient, she is hurting.
Give it time, and let MC work. These feelings of "ab-normalcy" have taken a long time to build, and it will take time and effort from BOTH of you to undo them.
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