my story
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Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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Old 08-15-2011, 02:27 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default my story

Hi,

Almost sure this post does not belong here but really need some positives today...
My wife and I got separated (I moved out of house) in November last year) but we had no sexual activities since December 2009. I had my share making this happening (I was abusive) but my wife had at least one if not two EA over internet. In July last year she could not stand us staying together and initially she wanted to move out and then she asked me to move out which I did.
Since than, I have work really hard on my self. I am not sure about her. She still claims that she does not know what she wants. We have improve our relation ship big time but still she does not want to do canceling, talking about getting together.. nothing. We had a couple of trips together and it was wonderful but she is still attached to these virtual friends and I feel they are being more important than I. Example, I have asked her last night about doing something together this weekend but asked her let's go if you really want to go with me. Not because I already paid for activities, not just ok.. do you really want to go with me. She would not bother answering me and I know she is checking her emails constantly. After 5 hours waiting I told he just to forget it. This morning she got upset, stating that I did not give her a chance to answer, that I am making decisions for her and she does not appreciate that. Beside that she claims that I have change a lot, she really appreciate what I have done and what I am doing for her and kids. Quite often she will apologize for some things she did in the past.
I am really being inpatient? It has been past a year that she told me she wants separation, nine months I am out of house, almost two years no physical between us..
Am I being unreasonable? Ladies, please help me understand "my woman" which I love more than my life.
She just asked me to have a coffee tonight.. Yes I will go but I know there will be no discussion about us. Probably it will be only how she is not her self, asking me to be patient with her, to be reasonable with her, to have mercy etc...
I still have strong feelings for her and having hard time to move on.
I am confused as this post must be.
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Old 08-18-2011, 10:42 PM   #2 (permalink)
anx
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Default Re: my story

5 hours isn't that long if she was busy or thinking about it.

You need to discuss the future at some point, but for some people it takes a long time to think things over. You basically broke your vows with abuse and she needs to decide to open herself up again to you and the possibility of abuse. If it's not a decision she is ready to make, nothing can force her to chose you.
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Old 08-31-2011, 12:21 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: my story

Thank you anx for reply,

Agree 5 hours is not a long time however she always responds to everyone else immediately. As much as she was upset, the same evening she invited me for a dinner, was quite nice to me and she suggested we start talking.
She wants us to talk alone, no counselling; in her words she is concerned about the cost.
Since then we met twice. The first time was not bad, we did not talk much as she was kind of avoiding discussion. Gently I got us to discussion and she asked my why have I changed now? Why not before? Did not have an answer and this was my homework. I really tried to think and answered yesterday because she means a lot to me. She always meant to me a world but did not know how to show to her. This time I took a time to understand her and have approached her the way she likes. My homework for next week is to say why I love her. Honestly I don't know. I simply know I love her and I don't think I will have an answer for her.
Anyway, meeting last night was not good. She practically attacked me like she did in past. Bringing back issues that happened 20+ years ago. Obviously, her and mine view is not the same. Her perception is her reality and I accept that. Difference between last night and before is that I did not loose it. It did upset me but was calm and collective. She said if we will ever get back together then she does not want to think what is going to happened tomorrow between us. I support that too.
The question is: Is this right thing to do without help? How to guide these discussions as obviously there is no plan except bring old issues back? Maybe it is healthy thing to bring them back, check our feelings or it is going to be a highway to disaster.
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Old 08-31-2011, 01:50 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: my story

If ytou two are still hashing over stuff that happened 20 years ago, then professional help could be a big benefit. Old issues need to be put away through reconciliation. Clearly you two are not able to do this and could use some help. In my case, my w is unable to apologize for anything she has ever done (because she is always justified). This has prevented us doing at least half of the necessary reconciliation in our 10 year marriage and we pay the price for this
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Old 08-31-2011, 02:01 PM   #5 (permalink)
anx
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Default Re: my story

of all the things to spend money on, counseling is a good one. It will effect our life more greatly than any car, so the time and money is well spent. There is often free counseling or mentorship if of are part of a church, were part of the military, or are under certain economic numbers.

If you are religiously inclined, an experienced christian counselor is worth the time.

I agree with what you said about love. For men, love is often a commitment to your wife and a feeling second. We are driven towards her, but don't often have a specific reason. You will be able to come up with some, but that's not what drives me.

If that is not on option, you guys still might be fine. It will be harder with without help. Yes, you do need to talk about the past, but also its not healthy to totally dwell on that either. I think the best thing would be to read books together and talk about them. Also, don't push things too fast. It's draining and fights break out if it's too much.
You book suggestions would be
1) why marriages succeed or fail (there are quite you should take asap to see where you are at)
2) the seven principals for making a marriag work
3) if you are religiously inclined, I cannot suggest the book sacred marriage enough

I would love to give any more advise if you have specific questions. My story is in my profile and has stretched on for long enough that I have been through a lot of counseling and read a ton of books and stories on this sight.

You wife sounds like she has a lot of resentment built up, and cracking that is exhausting work.
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