nun600

My wife and I have been together for 11 years and married for 6. She is 34 and I just turned 40. We truly love each other, are very affectionate, and there has never been infidelity. Over the past year things have unfortunately worsened in our relationship. She lost her job and was out of work for 2 years which added to the stress. Also, we had her sister move in with us for a while which compounded things. We both were angry with each other and I was guilty of making her feel worthless along with choosing my family over her in certain situations. On a number of occasions she asked me to go to marriage therapy and as a typical guy my response was we don't need that, we can fix this ourselves. Well, she told me that she wanted to separate for a while because she lost her identity when she was out of a job for 2 years, she felt that she needed to be on her own for a while since she felt she relied on me and was too dependant on me. Also, even though we were affectionate to each other there were too many wounds that I caused by continually telling her to move out since she was not contributing, a little of verbal abuse, and leaving her alone too often at times. You know what they say, be careful what you wish for. This is not all one sided as there were things that she contributed to my actions. For instance, telling her sister she can move in with us while both of them did not have a job, becoming a gym rat, going out with the girls too frequently while not having a job and coming home late. She moved out this past December and we gave therapy a try but it was not working. We still tried to stay in touch but she had too much resentment from the things I have said to her in the past and forcing her to tell her sister to move back in with her parents. Her sister was going trough some depression and when she moved back in with her parents she took a bunch of pills. She feels that if her sister was with us she could of prevented that. Her sister is OK now and alive. Since this June we have been communicating more often, seeing each other every weekend, and she is now sleeping over on the weekends as well. We have talked about her moving back once her lease is up this December and even talking about having kids. We have been going to church and we are deeply in love with each other but for some reason I felt that there might have been another guy during the separation. I could not leave it alone and kept asking her if she dated or slept with another guy while we were separated. She continually said no, then she said she just kissed someone. Since going to church I have noticed that she wanted to get some things out. This past weekend she finally told me that she slept and had sex with another man. I knew deep down that she might of and I really wanted to know. The thing is when we first separated I was really angry at her for leaving me and I was hoping to find out if there was another man so it would be easier for me to file for divorce, to give me a real reason. I just don't know what to do now because I still view this as cheating even though it was during our separation when we were not really speaking or communicating. I told her that she cannot continue to have any contact with this guy if we move forward and she said that it was only a couple of times and it really meant nothing, that I have nothing to worry about him and she want to be with me. I have so many questions like how do I get over this or will I ever? Can I trust her? Is it OK or somewhat justifiable that this happened during our separation and should I accept it? I asked her many times if during our separation it meant we can see other people and she stated that was not her intent, which I now doubt. I still want to continue moving forward in our relationship along with all our plans and progress but I am somewhat hesitant now. I am really confused on what to do because if this was a close friend of mine going trough a similar situation I would probably just tell him to get a divorce and leave her because she cheated on you but this is really not an easy choice to make. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

chuckwood

Sorry to hear about your difficulties. Sex can become an obsession that can easily damage a relationship. Making assumptions and needing to "know" is also very damaging. She did tell you about what happened so that shows that she cares and is being honest with you. She may not have done it right away because she was afraid to hurt you. That doesn't make her dishonest, it shows that she loves you enough to want to protect you. If there is true love between you, what she did with someone else a couple of nights of her life should not affect how you feel about her. Trust her completely and you will be able to have a happy marriage going forward. Doubt her, and you are setting yourself up for more pain down the road. May you life be filled with love.

nun600

Thanks chuck, that really helps with all the confusion that is going on with me now. I hope to be able to forgive and forget but that is easier said than done.

Lazarus

I think you need to go to individual counseling to deal with knowing she has had another man.

Being separated but still married seems like a violation to you and to many. Although she may have enjoyed the OM attention in the end it is you she wants.

To be successful in moving forward you need to get the images out of your mind and work on you understanding what it will be like on your own knowing that you couldn't forgive her despite the fact she chose you again after OM.

nun600

Thanks Lazarus, great advice and your words are profound. Unfortunately that is the problem, I cannot get the visuals out of my mind of her and the OM. Also, I can't help to think that she started having an EA with this guy while we were under the same roof. The trust has been broken and I cannot seem to move past that. I have cut communication from her and it is sad because she does want to move forward with our marriage.

ghostchaser204

My wife and I have been separated for 3 months now. We did not list reconciliation as one of our options, we are remaining married for financial reasons for the next two years. I have been dating, met many nice gals but no sex. My wife I have no idea and do not care what she is up to. I think it's dangerous to ask questions you don't want the answers to. I understand there are STD issues to be concerned with if you are to reconcile. One thing you have to get over is your wife is not your property. She is an independent human being with wants, and needs. It really is none of your business what she did and it will impede your progress towards reconciliation. In the end she chose you, your obsessive thoughts will fade with time, try and live in the moment and not dwell. If you persist in letting it become an impediment to your reconciliation, you are destined to fail. We are all fallible, sinful and full of lust.

nun600

You are absolutely correct ghostchase and I appreciate your candor. I am happy to report that we are in the process of reconciling and she has apologized greatly and realizes the mistakes, actually we both do. It did help though that I did date for the past few months myself and realized that the grass is not greener on the other side. This actually might help us in the long term of our marriage so hoping that everything works out. Thanks.

Tall Average Guy

Sorry, but this makes no sense. What she did while you were married is your business, even if separated. Questions such as whether she is still in contact with the person she slept with, or did she chose you only because he was not available, are very relvant to how you proceed moving forward. You can't control your wife, or what she does, but you can control what is acceptable behavior to you and what are your boundaries.

I would suggest that the OP look at the Coping With Infidelity board to find some information on dealing with this, such as no contact, transparency, counseling, etc. There is some good information to help you reconcile in a healthy manner.

ghostchaser204

Well I think we agree more than we disagree here. I am more addressing the OP's obsession with the thoughts in his head of his wife with another man. How he reacts or takes this news is up to him. If she is contrite, has no contact with this other man and wants to work on the marriage, it is in his best interest to forgive and forget. I don’t know if I agree that when two people consensually separate , the papers have been filed for divorce and they live in separate residences with the mutual understanding dating can and will happen, I don't think that is the same as your basic infidelity. That is more a matter of religious interpretation.

Tall Average Guy

While I think we do have a fair amount in agreement, I think that forgive and forget in this situation would be inviting trouble. The poster did not say that they were divorcing, only separated. He also noted his belief that his wife started at least an EA while they were still sharing a home. Those issues, as well as their relationship issues, need to be explored, probably with a counselor.

Also, at the end of the day, what matters is his opinion of the situation. If the OP can't reconcile without these details, then it does not matter what you or I think, only what he things, and what she believes is reasonable information to give.

nun600

I appreciate everyone's feedback, thanks. It is tough to really know her motives, true intentions, and the reasons wanting to reconcile. Yes, it can be that she realizes the grass is not greener on the other side, and that most men only want one thing. My intuition tells me that she began to have some type of relationship with this guy while we were still under the same roof and all of this ate me up pretty bad where I just wanted to move on with the divorce. I have learned to let that anger go while I have kept my distance from her and basically moved on. She has broken down in front of me recently and seemed to repent for all the things she has done. We have spoken freely about the OM and she has answered all my questions. I think I am at the right state of mind if I did take the step forward and reconciled. I am still contemplating but am leaning more to let the walls down and accept her. I can't change the things that I found shady in the past but I have told her my expectations if we did get back together and she is willing to meet those expectations no matter what they are. She is trying to show by example that she has changed and is willing to fight for this marriage at all costs.

COguy

Before I saw your wife slept with another guy I was already thinking, "she separated because she found someone else." I don't know if she admitted it, but she didn't leave because of the reasons she said, she left because she met the other guy and wanted a relationship with him.

Has she admitted this yet? If you don't believe me, ask her if she knew the guy before she left and to what capacity, you'll see her face change and she'll get uncomfortable.

She displayed all the signs of a cheating wife through the point of her leaving.

The trickle truth makes it hard to understand what's real and what's not. Have you checked her phone records, emails, texts, facebook, etc?