suggestions on how to reconcile - Page 10 - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #136 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 11:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

I was seeing a counsellor during a breakup we had some years ago, I think the counsellor was puzzled by this but she didn't find it unhealthy as long as I had some limit to which I was willing to hurt myself to revive the relationship.

To the best of my knowledge, with D, I'll be seeing my child every second weekend. This is 1/7 th of its time. I'll barely have time to hear how it is doing, the stepdad will be the example to observe at home, not the dad. This may sound too much but it's my blood and I want a fair chance to raise it.

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Originally Posted by IMFarAboveRubies View Post
Your attachment to her seems unhealthy, when she clearly disrespects you, abuses you (makes you go out while you are sick) and she plans to ruin you financially. You sound like you are addicted to her.

You will be able to be next to your child, teach and protect it. Just not all the time if you are D. The good side is that when it is with you, it will be 100% with you, and you won't have to listen to her criticize you. You can be sure that she will not believe you are a good enough father, since she is already on that track regarding your ability to be a good husband.


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post #137 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 11:50 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

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I have a very strong attachment to her, also it drives me crazy to think I won't be able to raise my child, be next to it, teach it what I can and protect it.
If she is worth it to you, good enough.
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post #138 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 11:50 AM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

That I do not know and it puzzles me if I'm too quick to see she didn't keep it or she just hasn't had enough time to adjust to a family situation. I don't have an answer but it puzzles me a lot.

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When did she plan to start keeping her promise? She already broke it.
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post #139 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 11:53 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

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That I do not know and it puzzles me if I'm too quick to see she didn't keep it or she just hasn't had enough time to adjust to a family situation. I don't have an answer but it puzzles me a lot.
The best clue to people's future behavior is their past behavior.
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post #140 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 12:07 PM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

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Originally Posted by londonguy View Post
To the best of my knowledge, with D, I'll be seeing my child every second weekend. This is 1/7 th of its time. I'll barely have time to hear how it is doing, the stepdad will be the example to observe at home, not the dad. This may sound too much but it's my blood and I want a fair chance to raise it.
Very good points, OP.
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One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #141 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 12:07 PM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

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she's my pregnant wife and I'm the person that should be next to her, not threaten D.
Unless you mean it. I get that you didn't mean it.

Did your parents threaten D when you were growing up? My first H was raised in a D home, and all his siblings were D. That's where he got that in his head. It was the solution to him. He never had anyone model to him that a married couple could work out issues without yelling, and ultimately threatening D.
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post #142 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 12:10 PM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

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Originally Posted by IMFarAboveRubies View Post
Unless you mean it. I get that you didn't mean it.

Did your parents threaten D when you were growing up? My first H was raised in a D home, and all his siblings were D. That's where he got that in his head. It was the solution to him. He never had anyone model to him that a married couple could work out issues without yelling, and ultimately threatening D.
Interesting point, IMFAR. My dad never said the word divorce, nor my husband. Maybe that is why I am so horrified to hear that men do this.
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post #143 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 12:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

I didn't mean it but how was she supposed to know this. Even if she did know, it's a very hurtful thing to hear.

My parents did not D but D was mentioned sometimes during their arguments

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Originally Posted by IMFarAboveRubies View Post
Unless you mean it. I get that you didn't mean it.

Did your parents threaten D when you were growing up? My first H was raised in a D home, and all his siblings were D. That's where he got that in his head. It was the solution to him. He never had anyone model to him that a married couple could work out issues without yelling, and ultimately threatening D.
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post #144 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 12:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

My wife is from a D home though, and I know she wants to have the stable family she never had as a child
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post #145 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 12:16 PM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

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Originally Posted by londonguy View Post
I was seeing a counsellor during a breakup we had some years ago, I think the counsellor was puzzled by this but she didn't find it unhealthy as long as I had some limit to which I was willing to hurt myself to revive the relationship.
Are any of the issues happening now the same ones that caused you to break up before?

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Originally Posted by londonguy View Post
To the best of my knowledge, with D, I'll be seeing my child every second weekend. This is 1/7 th of its time. I'll barely have time to hear how it is doing, the stepdad will be the example to observe at home, not the dad. This may sound too much but it's my blood and I want a fair chance to raise it.
You wouldn't have the child for 50% of the time? Understandable that you would want to be more of an influence than the step dad.

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post #146 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 12:21 PM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

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I didn't mean it but how was she supposed to know this. Even if she did know, it's a very hurtful thing to hear.

My parents did not D but D was mentioned sometimes during their arguments
You both have some work to do in counseling to undo the imprinting of D on your brains, even though in your case you only heard it spoken. You learned that it is a tool to be used during an argument. That is very damaging.

You hit on her own fear of abandonment. It will take a lot of work on your part, and consistent devotion, NEVER saying the D word, ever again, for her to get over what you did.

You have 2 issues going on here: 1. Your tantrums and throwing D in her face. 2. Financial incompatibility. They must both be worked on for your marriage to heal and thrive.
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post #147 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 12:22 PM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

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My wife is from a D home though, and I know she wants to have the stable family she never had as a child
Well, that is something to work with.
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post #148 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 12:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

There are some similarities but it's not the same. I had a really rough patch, someone really close to me died unexpectedly, my scholarship ended same month and I had to finish my graduate studies + get a job.
She was not high in my priorities list and I wasn't keeping the house in good order. She pushed back, I pushed back harder etc etc ultimately she asked to break up.
After that it took awhile to get there but a couple of years down the line I was well with myself & what had happened, well in terms of career, well financially and relationship-wise I was getting some good dates but I never really connected to someone I dated and I was still thinking of her.
She had depression, I helped her get through it (it wasn't easy, my energy was completely drained but it worked), helped her get a job and we started being close again.

Regarding the child, to the best of my knowledge it's one weekend every two weeks. This is not enough time to see my child growing up and be a real parent.

Quote:
Originally Posted by IMFarAboveRubies View Post
Are any of the issues happening now the same ones that caused you to break up before?



You wouldn't have the child for 50% of the time? Understandable that you would want to be more of an influence than the step dad.
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post #149 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 12:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Thanks for this, I never really considered that hearing D at home back then would have an impact on me doing this decades later but it makes sense.

For 1. I'll start IC & I'll remove anything stressful from my life. For 2, I plan to propose to first talk about it between us and as a next step if needed, do MC.

For anything to happen though we need to talk and meet. She's not too keen on that and to be honest I can't blame her.

Quote:
Originally Posted by IMFarAboveRubies View Post
You both have some work to do in counseling to undo the imprinting of D on your brains, even though in your case you only heard it spoken. You learned that it is a tool to be used during an argument. That is very damaging.

You hit on her own fear of abandonment. It will take a lot of work on your part, and consistent devotion, NEVER saying the D word, ever again, for her to get over what you did.

You have 2 issues going on here: 1. Your tantrums and throwing D in her face. 2. Financial incompatibility. They must both be worked on for your marriage to heal and thrive.
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post #150 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 12:47 PM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

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Thanks for this, I never really considered that hearing D at home back then would have an impact on me doing this decades later but it makes sense.

For 1. I'll start IC & I'll remove anything stressful from my life. For 2, I plan to propose to first talk about it between us and as a next step if needed, do MC.

For anything to happen though we need to talk and meet. She's not too keen on that and to be honest I can't blame her.
Whether or not she meets with you, start seeing an IC.

Personally, I believe that she, and the amount of money you (and she) spend is one of the huge stressers in your life.

Stop reaching out to her. The more you call, and the more she rebuffs you, you are looking more and more pathetic in her eyes.

I understand that you are in love with your child, perhaps even more than you love your wife, because the child hasn't hurt you and needs you while your wife doesn't. But you have to accept that unfortunately the fate of your child seems to be in your wife's hands according to British law.

Even if you get back with her this time, the next time she gets fed up with you, or finds someone else who has more money, you will be thrown to the sidelines and you not see your child.

You should not get back together with her just because you have a child with her. You have to get back together because she is the right woman for you, and you for her. If she wants to spend you to oblivion, and party until YOU drop, do you really believe she is the right woman for you?
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