suggestions on how to reconcile - Page 15 - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #211 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-29-2015, 04:47 PM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

OP, I am glad that your talk went fairly well.

I think you need to go and read this link, so you can see what you're doing to drive her away: Love Busters

She also has bad behavior, but you aren't the one staying away. You have driven her away. She is *really* pissed off at you right now. I am not sure if I've ever seen a pregnant wife leave her husband without infidelity or physical abuse occurring, on any of the boards I read, at any point in my years of reading. Pregnant women want to nest, they are trying to bring their family together.

I agree with jld that your wife has a strong character. She also has a good job, and a strong support system who will help her if she decides to give you that divorce. She has the best possible situation for a young mother who wants to divorce.

If my husband threatened divorce multiple times, then threw tantrums in front of my friends and talked spitefully about leaving me alone on NYE, while I was pregnant? Maybe you'd be alone on NYE, you certainly wouldn't be with me. So I fully understand where she's coming from and why she's staying away.

I disagree with most of the posters who are trying to get you focused on her behavior. She has bad behavior in spades, don't get me wrong. But focusing on her right now will get you divorced, as she is already literally out the door. If you want to stay married, right now you need to continue to clean up your side of the street.

If you aspire to be a grown adult, you need to stop the tantrums. I very strongly suspect that you've thrown tantrums for a long time. If your wife is trying to ignore you by putting on headphones, why are trying to push her by continuing to talk at her? Your wife left you, wouldn't speak to you for days, and when she finally did, you argued with her! Stop trying to force your will on her. You can learn to resolve issues in a much better way.

I am being harsh right now, but it's important that you see that it's not just that last threat of divorce that pushed her out. I am not surprised that she is also immature and not handling things well. Of course not, we tend to seek our own levels. If she handled things more maturely, she would have never tolerated any of your tantrums. If you were more mature, you would never have fought over going out against doctors orders, you simply would have stayed in. You both react to terrible behavior by acting terribly. This has probably been going on for a long time. Your wife finally put a stop to the cycle by moving out. This is an opportunity to fix things and for the two of you to grow together.

I think the link I gave you will help you. You might also check out the Basic Concepts, to learn more about conflict resolution and emotional needs. Right off the bat I can see that your wife needs recreational companionship and financial support. You can learn to negotiate ways for both spouses yo get their needs met. The website goes over the basics, but there are books that in depth and are often recommended: Love Busters is one, His Needs. Her Needs is the other.

It's possible that you will clean up your behavior and she won't change, but it's highly unlikely, in my opinion. She is talking to you; she's pregnant; you have a long history together. Both of you are better together, as long as you both are able to learn better behavior. If you start, she's likely to follow, and even if she doesn't, you'll be better off.

I do hope that you're feeling better. Hopefully you'll get some downtime while she's away and you can get some rest. It will be much easier to move ahead once you feel better.


"Happiness is only the cart; love is the horse."- George Vallliant, long-term director of the 75-year (and continuing) Harvard Grant Study, on the primary contributor to a happy life.

Last edited by RoseAglow; 12-29-2015 at 05:00 PM.
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post #212 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-29-2015, 05:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Today she was very reasonable - course I do not know if she wants to reconcile

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Originally Posted by Blossom Leigh View Post
Is there anything you view her doing right now as unreasonable? Or is it only on your side
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post #213 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-29-2015, 05:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

She had plenty of chances for that, especially when I was on scholarship it was easy to do that. she didn't do it then, I have no reason to believe she'll do it now.

I wouldn't say that things have settled, we talked and she'll think about reconciling. I'll keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best

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Originally Posted by jld View Post
Beauty is not a crime at all; it is an asset. And it can be useful in attracting a wealthier spouse.

It sounds like things have settled down for you. Glad to hear it.
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post #214 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-29-2015, 05:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Thanks for the link (will go through it tomorrow) & your advice. Just to clarify, tantrum was not in front of her friends of course.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RoseAglow View Post
OP, I am glad that your talk went fairly well.

I think you need to go and read this link, so you can see what you're doing to drive her away: Love Busters

She also has bad behavior, but you aren't the one staying away. You have driven her away. She is *really* pissed off at you right now. I am not sure if I've ever seen a pregnant wife leave her husband without infidelity or physical abuse occurring, on any of the boards I read, at any point in my years of reading. Pregnant women want to nest, they are trying to bring their family together.

I agree with jld that your wife has a strong character. She also has a good job, and a strong support system who will help her if she decides to give you that divorce. She has the best possible situation for a young mother who wants to divorce.

If my husband threatened divorce multiple times, then threw tantrums in front of my friends and talked spitefully about leaving me alone on NYE, while I was pregnant? Maybe you'd be alone on NYE, you certainly wouldn't be with me. So I fully understand where she's coming from and why she's staying away.

I disagree with most of the posters who are trying to get you focused on her behavior. She has bad behavior in spades, don't get me wrong. But focusing on her right now will get you divorced, as she is already literally out the door. If you want to stay married, right now you need to continue to clean up your side of the street.

If you aspire to be a grown adult, you need to stop the tantrums. I very strongly suspect that you've thrown tantrums for a long time. If your wife is trying to ignore you by putting on headphones, why are trying to push her by continuing to talk at her? Your wife left you, wouldn't speak to you for days, and when she finally did, you argued with her! Stop trying to force your will on her. You can learn to resolve issues in a much better way.

I am being harsh right now, but it's important that you see that it's not just that last threat of divorce that pushed her out. I am not surprised that she is also immature and not handling things well. Of course not, we tend to seek our own levels. If she handled things more maturely, she would have never tolerated any of your tantrums. If you were more mature, you would never have fought over going out against doctors orders, you simply would have stayed in. You both react to terrible behavior by acting terribly. This has probably been going on for a long time. Your wife finally put a stop to the cycle by moving out. This is an opportunity to fix things and for the two of you to grow together.

I think the link I gave you will help you. You might also check out the Basic Concepts, to learn more about conflict resolution and emotional needs. Right off the bat I can see that your wife needs recreational companionship and financial support. You can learn to negotiate ways for both spouses yo get their needs met. The website goes over the basics, but there are books that in depth and are often recommended: Love Busters is one, His Needs. Her Needs is the other.

It's possible that you will clean up your behavior and she won't change, but it's highly unlikely, in my opinion. She is talking to you; she's pregnant; you have a long history together. Both of you are better together, as long as you both are able to learn better behavior. If you start, she's likely to follow, and even if she doesn't, you'll be better off.

I do hope that you're feeling better. Hopefully you'll get some downtime while she's away and you can get some rest. It will be much easier to move ahead once you feel better.
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post #215 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-30-2015, 06:05 AM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

RoseAglow thanks for the link, I read that website today, wish I had read it yesterday before we met actually.

No news from her so far
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post #216 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-30-2015, 11:50 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

@londonguy, pretty much all of us wished we knew about emotional needs and love busters earlier, you're not alone! Now you know, and you can do things differently. I think you'll find that your relationship will get much better.

Right now, your challenge is to win back your wife. You might read up on Plan A. It doesn't really apply to you entirely, because (as far as you know!) you don't have a cheating wife. You do have an estranged wife though, and it might give you done ideas on how to win her back.

Honestly, in your shoes I would probably write directly to Dr Harley (mbradio@marriagebuilders.com) and ask for advice from the expert. He and his wife have a radio show (they also make it available on their website) where they read the emails they get, and sometimes call the writers, to offer advice. Put your phone number in the email if you're willing to talk to them. I've written them before and received advice. It's all free.

I think you're going to need to reach out a little (not a lot!) to your wife. Are you feeling better physically? If you are, I recommend inviting her to spend NYE together. Tell her that you'd like to bring in the new year together, begin a new, improved marriage where you can provide care and meet her needs. (Eventually she will provide care for you and meet your needs, too, but for now, stick to what you'll do for her.) Talk about being together: you, her, and baby.

If you can refrain from arguing with her and doing any of the love-busting behavior, I think she'll be back soon. She might decline spending NYE with you; if she does, be graceful. Just let her know you love her and that you'd like to rebuild with her in the New Year.

Best of luck! Please let us know how it goes!

"Happiness is only the cart; love is the horse."- George Vallliant, long-term director of the 75-year (and continuing) Harvard Grant Study, on the primary contributor to a happy life.
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post #217 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-30-2015, 11:55 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Such a great post, Rose! Could be copied and pasted on many different threads, much to the benefit of TAM!

Please listen to Rose's wise advice, London!
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One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #218 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-30-2015, 01:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

She texted me today, asked to meet. It looks like she wants to give reconciliation a go

knock on wood but it looks like I have the chance to do what I promised, no more mention of D, be more respectful in front of her friends and give the the security she needs especially during pregnancy.

There's a lot I need to work on from now on and there's stuff she can work on too but it a better position to be in compared to last week.

At last I'll get some decent sleep tonight
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post #219 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-30-2015, 01:14 PM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Good to hear! I hope you both can make the effort to compromise on things. Try not to be too eager to look for reassurance, or chase her.
Just try to be you. Get back to normal. No arguing, just be thoughtful of her needs and your own. Make a decision and stick to it in a respectful way.
Good luck. I know this is a load off your shoulders! ..
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post #220 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-30-2015, 01:26 PM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

That's great news, londonguy! Don't be a stranger, please post and let us know how it goes!


"Happiness is only the cart; love is the horse."- George Vallliant, long-term director of the 75-year (and continuing) Harvard Grant Study, on the primary contributor to a happy life.
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post #221 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-30-2015, 01:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Physically I'm well enough to have a dinner or invite friends over and we will spend NYE together!

I'll talk to a counsellor I talked to in the past and I'll work on what I promised. She also sounded more realistic regarding financials today, perhaps perhaps she felt like making a step to meet mid-way.

It's really good to have have this chance.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RoseAglow View Post
@londonguy, pretty much all of us wished we knew about emotional needs and love busters earlier, you're not alone! Now you know, and you can do things differently. I think you'll find that your relationship will get much better.

Right now, your challenge is to win back your wife. You might read up on Plan A. It doesn't really apply to you entirely, because (as far as you know!) you don't have a cheating wife. You do have an estranged wife though, and it might give you done ideas on how to win her back.

Honestly, in your shoes I would probably write directly to Dr Harley (mbradio@marriagebuilders.com) and ask for advice from the expert. He and his wife have a radio show (they also make it available on their website) where they read the emails they get, and sometimes call the writers, to offer advice. Put your phone number in the email if you're willing to talk to them. I've written them before and received advice. It's all free.

I think you're going to need to reach out a little (not a lot!) to your wife. Are you feeling better physically? If you are, I recommend inviting her to spend NYE together. Tell her that you'd like to bring in the new year together, begin a new, improved marriage where you can provide care and meet her needs. (Eventually she will provide care for you and meet your needs, too, but for now, stick to what you'll do for her.) Talk about being together: you, her, and baby.

If you can refrain from arguing with her and doing any of the love-busting behavior, I think she'll be back soon. She might decline spending NYE with you; if she does, be graceful. Just let her know you love her and that you'd like to rebuild with her in the New Year.

Best of luck! Please let us know how it goes!
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post #222 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-30-2015, 01:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Thanks ! I didn't contact her, she made the contact, I didn't have anything meaningful to add so I didn't contact her, I made my case so it was for her to choose whether she wanted to give a second chance or not.

This is a load off my shoulders for sure !

Quote:
Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
Good to hear! I hope you both can make the effort to compromise on things. Try not to be too eager to look for reassurance, or chase her.
Just try to be you. Get back to normal. No arguing, just be thoughtful of her needs and your own. Make a decision and stick to it in a respectful way.
Good luck. I know this is a load off your shoulders! ..
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post #223 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-30-2015, 01:33 PM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Lg,

Have you considered "rat-holing" some money away? That might be a good way for you to build a little peace-of-mind savings that your wife won't know about. Not to be deceitful, just to keep your family safe.
Just a thought. I liked to keep a little cash in my safe when I did work on the side, to use for gifts or needed items.
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post #224 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-30-2015, 09:15 PM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Have you gotten No More Mr Nice Guy yet?
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post #225 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-31-2015, 07:18 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Quote:
Originally Posted by londonguy View Post
Thanks ! I didn't contact her, she made the contact, I didn't have anything meaningful to add so I didn't contact her, I made my case so it was for her to choose whether she wanted to give a second chance or not.

This is a load off my shoulders for sure !
Among dealing with her with integrity and sticking to your ground on the necessity for financial balance, aka your truth drum, THIS was key. You stopped chasing. In effect, you opened up space for her to move towards you. Remember this nugget in the future. Balance standing in truth with kindness, say your peace, then leave her alone, opening space for her to choose you. This is where many make a mistake because its scary if you fear abondonment. But see... It worked

I am VERY glad she is doing her part on the financial perspective. That's also key or this reconciliation wouldn't be reconciliation but instead personal acquiesence on your part. So glad yall are coming together to make this right. Bravo!

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom. - Anais Nin
Never underestimate the potential for things to improve in ways you cannot yet imagine. Karen Rohlf
Be soft as possible, but firm as necessary - Pat Parelli

Blossom's Road of Recovery and Reconciliation

Last edited by Blossom Leigh; 01-01-2016 at 08:40 PM.
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