suggestions on how to reconcile - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #16 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-24-2015, 01:41 PM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Also, look up oneitis.


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post #17 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-24-2015, 01:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Back during that trip abroad, this is what I told her, she told me that I'm the man in this relationship and I should stay and escort her back home because I'm not like 70 years old. I said I can't stay as I'm tired and I left (after an angry look for the 70 years old comment).

I wish I did what you suggest during arguments, I'll try to control myself more but I can get in an emotional roller coaster when we're arguing. I can do that with other people e.g. my father, my boss or pretty much anyone else but it's tough to keep my cool with my wife.

Re societal priorities over my health, it annoyed me a lot ... She even dismissed it. She said it happened during the trip as well when I wasn't on medication and even now I'm not 70 years old, other people have the same condition (nobody she knows or anyone who was at the social event but nevermind).

Still I was the one that blew things up... she wasn't being considerate but it was me who went too far and said to my (pregnant) wife that I want a divorce.

One thing I need to mention, besides the "I started it" argument is that I must not upset her during pregnancy, it can affect both her and the child. A negotiation on boundaries is perhaps better timed for the months after the birth.

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Actually, you should state, "I am tired, and I need to go and rest. If you want to stay, please do so, but as for myself, I am drained and rest would be healthy for me."

Even in arguements,, you can say, "We both are highly emotional at the period, do you mind if we talk about this at another time? We both can think about it and we can talk about it when we are both ready."

There is a point where you can enforce boundries before things escalate. You allow yourself to get to that critical point where your emotions control your actions.

Perhaps, you can learn to see the signs of escalation and defuse the situation.

But, listen to Blossom, her societal priorities came before your health. Right now, you have a drive to be with her and do you think because of your feelings at the moment, it is blocking your perspective?
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post #18 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-24-2015, 01:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

It is somewhat familiar but not identical, e.g. when we were separated I had gone out in the market, with some rejections and some successes, some of the girls were pretty hot, well educated and affectionate. But I could not click with any of them and when it "went well" in the first dates and it came to coming over for dinner I cancelled the date because I felt some sort of disgust when I thought sex would likely follow.

I think even my counsellor was puzzled by this and my insistence to repair the relationship with my (then) ex.

I did completely cut contact with my (then) ex to give a fair chance to a couple of dates but still could not feel attachment (or even really horny to be honest, it took a lot of alcohol to snog/kiss)

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Also, look up oneitis.
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post #19 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-24-2015, 03:09 PM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Try to recognize that threatening divorce when you don't meant it is a way to manipulate and to gain the emotional upper hand.....a power play. The one who does this imagines the recipient, upon hearing it, will panic and kiss their arse to avoid said divorce.

As you've found out your bluff may be called. Furthermore, it is difficult to trust one that threatens divorce, especially when a guy does it his pregnant wife..... that's one of the most vulnerable times in a woman's life and if she can't trust her hb it is terrifying. You've set yourself up as a hb who can't be trusted and won't protect her and that's a great way to get a woman to detach.

You need serious counseling to work on mutual communication so you don't feel the need to threaten divorce to manipulate her. And improved communication will benefit both of you.
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post #20 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-24-2015, 03:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

I should had never mentioned divorce, especially given that I don't want a divorce. It was the worse way possible of saying this has gone too far.

I'm more than willing to do counselling and anything it takes to amend this but what can I do till we get there? Before we get there we need to talk and I need to regain her trust.

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Try to recognize that threatening divorce when you don't meant it is a way to manipulate and to gain the emotional upper hand.....a power play. The one who does this imagines the recipient, upon hearing it, will panic and kiss their arse to avoid said divorce.

As you've found out your bluff may be called. Furthermore, it is difficult to trust one that threatens divorce, especially when a guy does it his pregnant wife..... that's one of the most vulnerable times in a woman's life and if she can't trust her hb it is terrifying. You've set yourself up as a hb who can't be trusted and won't protect her and that's a great way to get a woman to detach.

You need serious counseling to work on mutual communication so you don't feel the need to threaten divorce to manipulate her. And improved communication will benefit both of you.
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post #21 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-24-2015, 08:02 PM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

You guys are out of balance and yes, you need to learn to speak sooner than later in a way that is calm assertive if she balks. speaking calmly sooner....

There is no "bad time" for boundaries. They are what maintains balance.

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom. - Anais Nin
Never underestimate the potential for things to improve in ways you cannot yet imagine. Karen Rohlf
Be soft as possible, but firm as necessary - Pat Parelli

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post #22 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-25-2015, 03:41 AM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

We talked today, I told her the steps I plan to take to regain her trust and that I'm very serious about this, she listened to me without hanging up and said she will think about it.

When/if things hopefully get better I will definitely go on with MC, right now I'm still very worried if she'll do the next step, communicate again & let me regain her trust.
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post #23 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-25-2015, 06:52 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

What is she going to do to regain trust?

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom. - Anais Nin
Never underestimate the potential for things to improve in ways you cannot yet imagine. Karen Rohlf
Be soft as possible, but firm as necessary - Pat Parelli

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post #24 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-25-2015, 09:29 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

This one-sided thing will not work. If you do to figure out what is causing this-/- I suspect I know....
You will be in the same shape, even if she chooses to reconcile.

Questions:
Does your wife appear to TRY to see your point of view in an arguement?
Does she ever say she is sorry when she is clearly in the wrong?
Do you feel like you are not being heard? I.e. She is not willing to accept a logical explanation for problems that occur?

Telling your wife you want a divorce has got to stop. That obviously has caused her to lose her feelings for you. If she had any left, you'd better show her some honest changes in how you handle your temper and arguements. If you go back to temper outbursts, her negative feelings will all come rushing back at once.

The good: she talked to you.

The bad: you are going to look for reassurance by calling her again.
DONT do that!!!!
Force yourself! Let her call you. When she does, show her some empathy for what she is feeling. Don't try to straighten her out on her end yet. You can help her until you've helped yourself!
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post #25 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-25-2015, 11:14 AM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Well, she's the one who doesn't trust me after mentioning divorce so she's not planning anything.

The only improvement over the previous days is that she didn't hang up the phone, she let me talk for 10 mins and said she'll think about it.

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What is she going to do to regain trust?


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post #26 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-25-2015, 11:21 AM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Answers:
- Sometimes she tries, but in many important things she does not
- She (very) rarely says she's sorry if she's clearly wrong, she'll usually dismiss the significance of an action she took
- I do feel like I'm not being heard

I won't mention a divorce ever again if she chooses to reconcile, there are other ways to say I don't like something she did.

I called her once more this evening, she didn't pick it up and I left it at that, I'll let her contact me (hopefully...).


Quote:
Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
This one-sided thing will not work. If you do to figure out what is causing this-/- I suspect I know....
You will be in the same shape, even if she chooses to reconcile.

Questions:
Does your wife appear to TRY to see your point of view in an arguement?
Does she ever say she is sorry when she is clearly in the wrong?
Do you feel like you are not being heard? I.e. She is not willing to accept a logical explanation for problems that occur?

Telling your wife you want a divorce has got to stop. That obviously has caused her to lose her feelings for you. If she had any left, you'd better show her some honest changes in how you handle your temper and arguements. If you go back to temper outbursts, her negative feelings will all come rushing back at once.

The good: she talked to you.

The bad: you are going to look for reassurance by calling her again.
DONT do that!!!!
Force yourself! Let her call you. When she does, show her some empathy for what she is feeling. Don't try to straighten her out on her end yet. You can help her until you've helped yourself!
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post #27 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-25-2015, 11:49 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Oh boy... This rebalancing this relationship is going to be a long road for you. What resources do you plan to study?

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom. - Anais Nin
Never underestimate the potential for things to improve in ways you cannot yet imagine. Karen Rohlf
Be soft as possible, but firm as necessary - Pat Parelli

Blossom's Road of Recovery and Reconciliation
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post #28 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-25-2015, 11:59 AM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

This is definitely going to be the case, I know but sometimes long roads may be worth it to be with the woman I love and raise my child.

I had taken negotiation courses and my job requires a lot of negotiation & team building so I have experience in setting boundaries but this is in a work environment/business. The problem is when I apply "professional" negotiation techniques to set boundaries she's the one that has a tantrum .. so I decided to keep that bag of techniques out of the relationship.

I really don't have an answer on how I'll approach this if we we there but lets see if we get there first, at this point I don't have a clue if she'll trust me again & want to reconcile..

I've already bought the kindle version of the boundaries book though . Any further hints on resources?

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Oh boy... This rebalancing this relationship is going to be a long road for you. What resources do you plan to study?
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post #29 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-25-2015, 01:31 PM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Her hissy fits belong to her. You have to let her own that. Stand your ground, quietly beat your truth drum, but by god beat it or this relationships' days are numbered.

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Boundaries

Are great places(books) to start. Its great you have a head start in boundaries and negotiation. That will serve you in spades as soon as you get your fear of abandonment under control. Its your achillies heel, she knows it and uses it against you. Its why you react and manage her the way you do.

Give ACOA a consideration as well.


She absolutely has responsibility in this relationship not to use her emotions like weapons. Don't forget that as you move forward. It just may take her a while to realize it. Marriage counseling with a counselor well versed in boundaries would help speed that process up... IF your wife is willing.

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom. - Anais Nin
Never underestimate the potential for things to improve in ways you cannot yet imagine. Karen Rohlf
Be soft as possible, but firm as necessary - Pat Parelli

Blossom's Road of Recovery and Reconciliation

Last edited by Blossom Leigh; 12-25-2015 at 01:36 PM.
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post #30 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-25-2015, 01:57 PM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Unless she is a high-risk pregnancy, pregnancy is not a handicap or a disability. No need to wear kid gloves around her and no need to postpone reasonable boundaries for 5 more months. She'll just run further ramshod over you.

Speak up for yourself and take action now.

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