suggestions on how to reconcile - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #31 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-25-2015, 02:07 PM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

I find it odd that this woman is pregnant with your baby and acts like she'd rather you just hit the road. If you can't man up and not let this woman drive you like a cheap truck, I'd think about letting her go. You are probably not wise to have children with a person you're not getting along great with...

She is really treating you like your not the only person in her life.
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post #32 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-25-2015, 02:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

When we argue, she gets mild fever, this can be dangerous for the kid.

Any discussion that may upset her (such as setting boundaries) will need to be postponed after the birth. I'm not willing to risk even a 0.01% chance that something happens to the child. This is #1 priority.


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Originally Posted by happy as a clam View Post
Unless she is a high-risk pregnancy, pregnancy is not a handicap or a disability. No need to wear kid gloves around her and no need to postpone reasonable boundaries for 5 more months. She'll just run further ramshod over you.

Speak up for yourself and take action now.

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post #33 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-25-2015, 02:11 PM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Quote:
Originally Posted by londonguy View Post
When we argue, she gets mild fever, this can be dangerous for the kid.

Any discussion that may upset her (such as setting boundaries) will need to be postponed after the birth. I'm not willing to risk even a 0.01% chance that something happens to the child. This is #1 priority.
A fever? From arguing? Well that's a new one to me.

Have you actually taken her temperature or are you relying on what she's telling you?
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post #34 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-25-2015, 02:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

She does get mild fever when she's upset (eg because we argued or for other reasons) it's not some sort of trick. Even if she didn't get a fever, a pregnant woman should not get upset.

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A fever? From arguing? Well that's a new one to me.
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post #35 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-25-2015, 02:19 PM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Londonguy,

What is going on here with you and your wife?
A mild fever? That's laughable.

Either she's sick or she's not. Certainly you don't want to have a big huge arguement when she's pregnant. Nobody is asking you to. Just be straightforward and do to accept any bullying by your wife and be good to her. If treating her good, but standing your ground when you know you're in the right is a bad thing, you need to get out of this relationship. Just be plain, no need to lose your temper or argue.
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post #36 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-25-2015, 02:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

In her defence, I was the one who mentioned divorce. She may have flaws regarding boundaries and listening but it was me mentioning divorce that created this situation.

I agree with everything about boundaries but right now she's giving what I "asked" for. It was a mistake to mention divorce out of spite but I did it and now I'm facing the consequences.

I don't have any reason to suspect there is another person in her life, I'm certain there isn't somebody else.

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
I find it odd that this woman is pregnant with your baby and acts like she'd rather you just hit the road. If you can't man up and not let this woman drive you like a cheap truck, I'd think about letting her go. You are probably not wise to have children with a person you're not getting along great with...

She is really treating you like your not the only person in her life.
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post #37 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-25-2015, 02:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

By mild fever I mean 37.4 - 37.6, this is not a good thing and I don't want it to happen during pregnancy. Even a tiny chance of something happening is not worth it.

When I am firm about something, she will argue. One thing to consider, is that a pregnant woman has her hormones all over the place. I want to negotiate on boundaries but only when the pregnancy is over.

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
Londonguy,

What is going on here with you and your wife?
A mild fever? That's laughable.

Either she's sick or she's not. Certainly you don't want to have a big huge arguement when she's pregnant. Nobody is asking you to. Just be straightforward and do to accept any bullying by your wife and be good to her. If treating her good, but standing your ground when you know you're in the right is a bad thing, you need to get out of this relationship. Just be plain, no need to lose your temper or argue.
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post #38 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-25-2015, 02:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

I'm more than happy to discuss boundaries with her and a marital counsellor, I think it would be good and in this environment she may be more willing to work together.

We're far from going being there though, right now I don't even have a verdict on whether she wants to reconcile.

What is ACOA?

To be honest this is my main complaint, that whenever we are to discuss something important to both, she does use the fear of abandonment card.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blossom Leigh View Post
Her hissy fits belong to her. You have to let her own that. Stand your ground, quietly beat your truth drum, but by god beat it or this relationships' days are numbered.

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Boundaries

Are great places(books) to start. Its great you have a head start in boundaries and negotiation. That will serve you in spades as soon as you get your fear of abandonment under control. Its your achillies heel, she knows it and uses it against you. Its why you react and manage her the way you do.

Give ACOA a consideration as well.


She absolutely has responsibility in this relationship not to use her emotions like weapons. Don't forget that as you move forward. It just may take her a while to realize it. Marriage counseling with a counselor well versed in boundaries would help speed that process up... IF your wife is willing.
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post #39 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-25-2015, 02:46 PM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

You were the one who mentioned divorce, right? How was she threatening abandonment? Iirc, she just accepted your threat.

My husband has never said the word divorce to me, never called me a name, never sworn at me. All those things would break my trust in him.

Here is a link you might want to read:

Reconciliation with a Hardened Wife
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post #40 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-25-2015, 02:49 PM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

OP, reading this thread I get the sense that your wife is coming last in your priorities and this is what she is probably feeling.

Work seems to come first. I doubt you complain at work that you are tired. Work probably gets the best from you.

Second is your soon to be child. Your wife only matters because she is carrying him/her.

It does not matter what she may have done wrong or right, what matters is what you should do. If you care about your wife, act like it.

I think this boundaries talk is a waste of time. Just look at the damage you have done and fix it.


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post #41 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-25-2015, 02:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Threat of abandonment comes (from her) when we negotiate boundaries but the current situation is 100% my fault, I was the one who mentioned divorce.


Quote:
Originally Posted by jld View Post
You were the one who mentioned divorce, right? How was she threatening abandonment? Iirc, she just accepted your threat.

My husband has never said the word divorce to me, never called me a name, never sworn at me. All those things would break my trust in him.

Here is a link you might want to read:

Reconciliation with a Hardened Wife
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post #42 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-25-2015, 02:56 PM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

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Originally Posted by londonguy View Post
Threat of abandonment comes (from her) when we negotiate boundaries but the current situation is 100% my fault, I was the one who mentioned divorce.
How exactly does she threaten you?

Did you read that link?
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post #43 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-25-2015, 02:59 PM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Actually this is not true at all, I leave work at a fixed time every day, no matter what so that we have time in the evenings and when I saw the doctor before the holidays I took days off work sick to mitigate as much of the condition I could before we had time together.

And no my wife does not matter only because she's carrying my child.

What I'm trying to do, fix the current situation, any discussion on boundaries will happen after the birth.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Duguesclin View Post
OP, reading this thread I get the sense that your wife is coming last in your priorities and this is what she is probably feeling.

Work seems to come first. I doubt you complain at work that you are tired. Work probably gets the best from you.

Second is your soon to be child. Your wife only matters because she is carrying him/her.

It does not matter what she may have done wrong or right, what matters is what you should do. If you care about your wife, act like it.

I think this boundaries talk is a waste of time. Just look at the damage you have done and fix it.
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post #44 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-25-2015, 03:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

I read the link yesterday as I found it via another thread

One example, when we disagree it often comes to: she can't see why she should be with a husband that didn't want to do/provide/agree to "demand" because she deserves the best, she needs to be with someone who can do/provide/agree to the best and she married me because she thought I'd be that person. I see this as some sort of implicit reminder.

Nonetheless, it was me who went too far this 5 days ago when I mentioned divorce

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Originally Posted by jld View Post
How exactly does she threaten you?

Did you read that link?
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post #45 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-25-2015, 05:39 PM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Huh. If I didn't know any better, I would say your wife is a selfish twit. Your threat of divorce was inappropriate, sure.

But I would tell you that the more you cater to her, the bigger sense of entitlement you will build within her.

Yes, you owe the pot for your threat. But that is not a license to treat you the way she has both before and after this threat of yours.

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