suggestions on how to reconcile - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-25-2015, 06:26 PM
jld
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

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Originally Posted by londonguy View Post
I read the link yesterday as I found it via another thread

One example, when we disagree it often comes to: she can't see why she should be with a husband that didn't want to do/provide/agree to "demand" because she deserves the best, she needs to be with someone who can do/provide/agree to the best and she married me because she thought I'd be that person. I see this as some sort of implicit reminder.

Nonetheless, it was me who went too far this 5 days ago when I mentioned divorce
Not sure if I am following the bolded.

You should always do the right thing, not only regarding your wife, but in general. That should inspire her trust. It will earn everyone's respect.

Threatening divorce is weak. Women want to be able to count on men. The fact that you did it during her pregnancy is reasonable grounds for her to take you at your word and move forward looking out for just herself and the baby. She knows she can count on herself to take care of the baby. In comparison, you look like a wild card.

Read that link every day. Write that letter. Humble yourself and earn her trust. Like you said, you do not want to be just a weekend father.


One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #47 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-25-2015, 06:47 PM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

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Originally Posted by jld View Post
Not sure if I am following the bolded.

You should always do the right thing, not only regarding your wife, but in general. That should inspire her trust. It will earn everyone's respect.

Threatening divorce is weak.
Not if it is done once, and only once. Along the same lines, it must not be empty.

If it meets that criteria, it is not weak at all. Just like children...let them know the consequences of their actions once, and only once.


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post #48 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-25-2015, 06:50 PM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

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Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
Not if it is done once, and only once. Along the same lines, it must not be empty.

If it meets that criteria, it is not weak at all. Just like children...let them know the consequences of their actions once, and only once.


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I am certainly not going to threaten my children with abandonment, far.

You only bring up divorce if you think you cannot meet her needs. You have to have tried everything.

If, after all that, you still do not think you are the best man for her, you tell her you need to let her go. Because you want the best for her, you release her (divorce) so another man, who can meet her needs, can find her and do so.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #49 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-25-2015, 06:52 PM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Sounds like the same outcome.

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"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #50 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-25-2015, 06:53 PM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Mine is not a threat.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #51 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-25-2015, 07:04 PM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

I read your thread, but still haven't figured out why you went all the way to threatening D just because she was being selfish and you were tired when you really didn't mean it.

If she were this way all the time (and it sounds like she is) it would be understandable that you would get tired of it, and decide to end the relationship.

What is puzzling to me is that you said it without meaning it. My first husband used to get angry and tell me that he wanted a D. At the time I didn't realize he was just being mean and manipulative. He even went so far twice to say say he was going to the lawyer's and left the home for a few hours. At the time I also lived in a foreign country at the time. I would feel abandoned and frightened whenever he would do that. I cried in desperation more than once, and was relieved when he came back and apologized.

But one day he said it one time too many. I did not take him back when he came back saying he was sorry. He was shocked. I told him I wanted a D, and followed through with it, and that was one of the best decisions I had made for a long time.

If your wife comes back to you, you had better make sure that word never comes out of your mouth again, unless you really want to follow through.

Instead of lashing out with the D word, learn to express what you are really feeling, before you are thoroughly exasperated and worn out. Talking will get you far. She needs to do some growing up as well, but she is going to have to be willing to do that herself.

The both of you need to do some counseling to learn how to communicate better, and respect each other's boundaries.

Last edited by Araucaria; 12-25-2015 at 07:07 PM. Reason: grammar
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post #52 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-25-2015, 09:09 PM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

I'll add one more book to your list... Emotional Blackmail. It describes the dynamic of anyone using fear, obligation or guilt to emotionally control someone else and how to break that cycle.

ACOA is Adult Children of Alcoholics

Adult Children of Alcoholics

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom. - Anais Nin
Never underestimate the potential for things to improve in ways you cannot yet imagine. Karen Rohlf
Be soft as possible, but firm as necessary - Pat Parelli


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post #53 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-25-2015, 09:13 PM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Also, I think waiting to talk boundaries is ok. Think long range, get educated on destructive behaviors, formulate your plan to change the tide in your relationship and address it when timing is better. I've bided my time before. Nothing wrong with it.

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom. - Anais Nin
Never underestimate the potential for things to improve in ways you cannot yet imagine. Karen Rohlf
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post #54 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-25-2015, 09:33 PM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

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Originally Posted by jld View Post
Not sure if I am following the bolded.

You should always do the right thing, not only regarding your wife, but in general. That should inspire her trust. It will earn everyone's respect.

Threatening divorce is weak. Women want to be able to count on men. The fact that you did it during her pregnancy is reasonable grounds for her to take you at your word and move forward looking out for just herself and the baby. She knows she can count on herself to take care of the baby. In comparison, you look like a wild card.

Read that link every day. Write that letter. Humble yourself and earn her trust. Like you said, you do not want to be just a weekend father.
Count on them for what?

I'm a human being. I like the things I like.
You want a machine go buy one - see if it does what you want...
And if you want formula one guaranteed performance you better be willing to fork out the whole cost, including the support personnel.

sounds more like he should move on too, push for as much day-to-day care as his career and new caring supportive wife will accept.

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post #55 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-25-2015, 09:34 PM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
I find it odd that this woman is pregnant with your baby and acts like she'd rather you just hit the road. If you can't man up and not let this woman drive you like a cheap truck, I'd think about letting her go. You are probably not wise to have children with a person you're not getting along great with...

She is really treating you like your not the only person in her life.
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sounds like she's seeing just how much mileage she can get out of having baby


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post #56 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-25-2015, 09:42 PM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

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Originally Posted by londonguy View Post
I should had never let that word slip my mouth.
I do listen to her to be honest and do pay a lot of attention to her wishes but it's a bit one sided. When there's an argument, she won't back down and it usually comes to me stepping down.
....snippage...
What can I do to go back to talking terms and build trust again?
Damn this sounds so familiar.
(1) Get the divorce.
(2) She's a self-centered b-tc. that doesn't actually care about you.

she got what she wanted, so now you'll be spending the rest of your life apologizing and crawling on your belly to get anything.

what have you got to bargain with? nothing and you've already proved it.

time to start living on your own and for yourself. Take my word for it, that kind of communication... she's got no interest in relationship, you, or anything to do with you.
so quit while you're ahead and be thankful you found out so soon into the marriage and didn't waste years of your life buying attention or struggling wondering why you always seemed to be the one holding together the relationship.

Sad that there's already a child in the mix, so you'll have to put the child's needs ahead of your own - but at least you can step out of the marriage and fight for it as an equal...something you'll never get in your "marriage"

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post #57 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-26-2015, 03:28 AM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Given that I mentioned divorce in a period where she's pregnant, I think I'm entirely responsible for the current situation.

Indeed there are things that need work and she also needs to improve but right now I may have delivered a knockout blow to our marriage and our family.

Quote:
Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
Huh. If I didn't know any better, I would say your wife is a selfish twit. Your threat of divorce was inappropriate, sure.

But I would tell you that the more you cater to her, the bigger sense of entitlement you will build within her.

Yes, you owe the pot for your threat. But that is not a license to treat you the way she has both before and after this threat of yours.

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post #58 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-26-2015, 03:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Haven't heard anything from her. She must have completely lost trust, I don't think she'll call or communicate
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post #59 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-26-2015, 03:33 AM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

If she chooses to come back, she won't hear the D-word ever again, it was foolish of me to do that

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Originally Posted by IMFarAboveRubies View Post
I read your thread, but still haven't figured out why you went all the way to threatening D just because she was being selfish and you were tired when you really didn't mean it.

If she were this way all the time (and it sounds like she is) it would be understandable that you would get tired of it, and decide to end the relationship.

What is puzzling to me is that you said it without meaning it. My first husband used to get angry and tell me that he wanted a D. At the time I didn't realize he was just being mean and manipulative. He even went so far twice to say say he was going to the lawyer's and left the home for a few hours. At the time I also lived in a foreign country at the time. I would feel abandoned and frightened whenever he would do that. I cried in desperation more than once, and was relieved when he came back and apologized.

But one day he said it one time too many. I did not take him back when he came back saying he was sorry. He was shocked. I told him I wanted a D, and followed through with it, and that was one of the best decisions I had made for a long time.

If your wife comes back to you, you had better make sure that word never comes out of your mouth again, unless you really want to follow through.

Instead of lashing out with the D word, learn to express what you are really feeling, before you are thoroughly exasperated and worn out. Talking will get you far. She needs to do some growing up as well, but she is going to have to be willing to do that herself.

The both of you need to do some counseling to learn how to communicate better, and respect each other's boundaries.
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post #60 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-26-2015, 04:01 AM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

I have already done something along the lines of the link you provided (link gave me the idea tbh). I texted her 2 days ago saying that her trust is very valuable, she and the child are my top priority, I will take steps to earn that trust back, she asked for the steps and I asked her to speak over the phone as it is more personal, yesterday we talked for 10 mins over the phone.

When we talked, I took full responsibility for things being the way they are as I shouldn't have hurt her by mentioning D. I also said that regaining the trust that I shattered is what I want to do. I told her the steps I'll take for this to never happen again and asked her to let me regain her trust. Call lasted 10 mins, first time she let me talk in days.

To put more context in the bold part, demands tend to be financially demanding, it's not about who takes out the garbage. I think if we go on like this we'll never buy a house nor will we have a safety net, she likes to spend exactly at full capacity (or even above capacity from time to time), we both have very good jobs and we should be saving for a house and investing not spending our income on things we do not need. I like a good time too and shiny stuff but I can't see why e.g. 3 (very) expensive presents per year are a priority at this point, I don't think this is the "best" to be honest. I find the bold part a dismissive reply to a serious matter that deserves a proper discussion. To be honest I never raised similar financial demands, because if at the end of the day girls like diamonds and boys like cars, we'd both be filling for bankruptcy now. But again this is more long term and not much correlated to the current situation.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jld View Post
Not sure if I am following the bolded.

You should always do the right thing, not only regarding your wife, but in general. That should inspire her trust. It will earn everyone's respect.

Threatening divorce is weak. Women want to be able to count on men. The fact that you did it during her pregnancy is reasonable grounds for her to take you at your word and move forward looking out for just herself and the baby. She knows she can count on herself to take care of the baby. In comparison, you look like a wild card.

Read that link every day. Write that letter. Humble yourself and earn her trust. Like you said, you do not want to be just a weekend father.
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