suggestions on how to reconcile - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #61 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-26-2015, 04:08 AM
jld
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

You are absolutely right to insist on financial discipline. I would not trust a man who did not handle money in a reasonable manner. It is in her best interests to accept to hear No to unnecessary financial requests.
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One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #62 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-26-2015, 04:09 AM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

I'll do that after the birth, I think it's very important but not for right now. Right now I don't know if we'll even get there, I have pushed her away and she said she lost the trust she had.

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Also, I think waiting to talk boundaries is ok. Think long range, get educated on destructive behaviors, formulate your plan to change the tide in your relationship and address it when timing is better. I've bided my time before. Nothing wrong with it.
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post #63 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-26-2015, 04:11 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

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I'll do that after the birth, I think it's very important but not for right now. Right now I don't know if we'll even get there, I have pushed her away and she said she lost the trust she had.
Financial sobriety needs to be non-negotiable.

My opinion, anyway.
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One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #64 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-26-2015, 04:34 AM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

At the moment there is none and to be honest polo shirts and expensive watches are at the bottom of my list. When I mention that this money takes that long to make with work, is it worth to work eg one month just to get this? or that we should have a safety net, buy a house and invest, she'll go like we'll get promotions like XYZ did (ignoring all the others that never got there or even lost their jobs) and we can do it without lowering life quality.

To give a bit of background, my job is well paying and e.g. I got her a very nice engagement ring and I do like a fancy restaurant from time to time but there needs to be a reasonable budget set in advance for these type of things.
I'm not a millionaire and I simply can't afford to spend like one. I find it ridiculous to have financial stress (and I have loads of it) when at the same time my income is like 3.5x UK average. If we lose our jobs tomorrow we're both toast and I'd have to sell assets, I just find this too stessful and a completely unreasonable situation to be in.

In 5 years time we can easily have a safety net AND a nice house AND have gone out plenty AND provide the best education to our child. Right now the way we are heading in 5 years we'll have nada and be in a very risky situation (instead we'll have plenty of shiny things and many visits at expensive resorts).

If I stand firm, she'll call me a cheapass, say she deserves the best and then the bold part follows. In this context, I do take it that she is playing with fear. Which is why I took it as a threat when she dismissed that I needed to stay in to recover when she said that if I say this it means I don't want a joint social life.

Mentioning divorce was a big mistake, if she wants to reconcile, I'll never mention it again and we can work on this together and set boundaries on important things after the child is born. But I did have legit reasons to be angry.

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You are absolutely right to insist on financial discipline. I would not trust a man who did not handle money in a reasonable manner. It is in her best interests to accept to hear No to unnecessary financial requests.
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post #65 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-26-2015, 04:37 AM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

I agree 100%

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Financial sobriety needs to be non-negotiable.

My opinion, anyway.
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post #66 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-26-2015, 04:59 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

I am serious about financial sobriety. I would be willing to divorce over it.

"Cheap ass" could be considered a badge of honor.

I don't get the obsession with jewelry some women have. I don't understand why men indulge it, either.
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One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #67 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-26-2015, 05:06 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Ok, going to go a bit further. I would sit down and tell her that as a family man you cannot risk your health by staying out late and not getting enough sleep. You also do not feel comfortable having her out alone. You are willing to negotiate a little, but not to compromise her health.

Same story on finances. Family needs come first. Expensive luxuries are the first to go, and not priorities for family people like the two of you. Stress the best interests of your child. You two simply cannot think only of yourselves anymore. The family welfare comes first.

Is this a beautiful, spoiled girl you married?
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One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #68 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-26-2015, 05:44 AM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Regarding negotiating that night out, I did it, I explicitly said that I don't want to go out that night because the doctor said to get rest, she just went ahead and booked it for both of us without my consent. I had mentioned I want to go together but when I'm better.
She dismissed that I need recovery and rest, said I act like I'm 70 and said it was impossible not to arrange the social obligation. I was seriously exhausted, the antibiotics I take are strong and their side effects are tireness & nausea.

Truth be told though, while I did get mad at her for what I believe to be a good reason, I went way too far with it. It's one thing to argue, which is something normal when there are differences, and another to ask for divorce when arguing which is something that may have well destroyed the relationship.

When I try to talk finances, she defers it till infinity (all the excuses some women say to avoid sex, I hear them regarding discussing family finances) and when we finally sit down to talk it's "cheapass" + the part in bold. She's not a gold-digger by the way, she was with me when I was on a graduate scholarship, back then I was making nothing, just (very) irresponsible financially.

If we reconcile, I'll mention the child too, my guess is that she'll agree to save just a fraction, e.g. 50%, of what's needed for education (not for house or safety net) but lets hope for the best.

She has model looks and she's quite spoilt too

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Originally Posted by jld View Post
Ok, going to go a bit further. I would sit down and tell her that as a family man you cannot risk your health by staying out late and not getting enough sleep. You also do not feel comfortable having her out alone. You are willing to negotiate a little, but not to compromise her health.

Same story on finances. Family needs come first. Expensive luxuries are the first to go, and not priorities for family people like the two of you. Stress the best interests of your child. You two simply cannot think only of yourselves anymore. The family welfare comes first.

Is this a beautiful, spoiled girl you married?
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post #69 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-26-2015, 05:47 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Ok, you knew what you were getting into then. Best of luck.
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One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #70 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-26-2015, 05:51 AM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

In my view cheapasses are those people who don't plan and because of this they end up being beggars to their friends and family when their career is over, not those who plan & save.

I consider it extremely important and I have told her I didn't sign up for this and I do not intend to live like this. I know plenty of ex-executives who used to wear luxury watches and drive sport cars who are now bankrupt and got no income. I do not intend to become like this, especially given that I'm well aware of this danger and I don't drink the "this is perpetual" coolaid.

The jewelry obsession is beyond me, it's a status symbol and I find it a silly to play the game "look I can dress like a millionaire"

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Originally Posted by jld View Post
I am serious about financial sobriety. I would be willing to divorce over it.

"Cheap ass" could be considered a badge of honor.

I don't get the obsession with jewelry some women have. I don't understand why men indulge it, either.
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post #71 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-26-2015, 05:53 AM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

The financial bit yes but she had promised before the wedding that it won't be like that when she's got a family. The bit about dismissing need for recovery to attend something social, I didn't expect.

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Ok, you knew what you were getting into then. Best of luck.
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post #72 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-26-2015, 05:55 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

If she looks like a model, a wealthier man will give her what she wants. She probably realizes this.

Again, good luck with all this.
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One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #73 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-26-2015, 05:56 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

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The financial bit yes but she had promised before the wedding that it won't be like that when she's got a family. The bit about dismissing need for recovery to attend something social, I didn't expect.
The best clue to a person's future behavior is often their past.
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One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #74 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-26-2015, 08:09 AM
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@londonguy many people have suggested marriage counseling to which you responded that you'll consider as soon as your wife agrees to it. DON'T WAIT. Go ahead and start marriage counseling on your own. Start learning those important communication skills necessary in to a successful relationship. Show your wife through your actions that you are serious about change.

Look, you can only control your own behavior. You need to make the changes genuinely, meaning take action to become a better man for you, not to please others. Think about it like this. ..if your wife were not in the picture, what actions would you be taking to make yourself a better man?
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post #75 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-26-2015, 08:13 AM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Contacted a counsellor 2 days ago about starting sessions in ~10 days. I do mean what I said to her, that I'll work on it and she'll never hear the word divorce again.

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Originally Posted by Lila View Post
@londonguy many people have suggested marriage counseling to which you responded that you'll consider as soon as your wife agrees to it. DON'T WAIT. Go ahead and start marriage counseling on your own. Start learning those important communication skills necessary in to a successful relationship. Show your wife through your actions that you are serious about change.

Look, you can only control your own behavior. You need to make the changes genuinely, meaning take action to become a better man for you, not to please others. Think about it like this. ..if your wife were not in the picture, what actions would you be taking to make yourself a better man?
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