suggestions on how to reconcile - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #76 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-26-2015, 09:31 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Yes, I think it is brilliant to go ahead and work on yourself in counseling for a while first, then bring her along later.

Your wife is lost in priorities.

You are lost in boundaries for the time being.

Perfect set up for conflict because she will take her emotional weapons to run rough shod (destructive) over your non existing boundaries at the expense of your health. So, yes, you have very legitimate cause for anger at her dismissal of you, regardless of your learning curve to the contrary, AND this DOES need rebalancing BECAUSE of your health. Its good you are waking up. Change can happen. You do not have to accept destructive choices of behavior in her or yourself. You both can choose constructive behavior. It just sounds like its going to be you first, then her (if she is willing and posseses the capacity) and thats ok, nothing wrong with that. That's leadership.

It is good that you recognize the need to separate your need for health as right but the choice to threaten divorce as the wrong way to express that. You are already leaps and bounds ahead of MANY people in your shoes because of your ability to make that distinction. You are also being thoughtful about timing. I think you are going to progress well. I hope your wife's priorities realign to protect the heath and wellbeing of all of you and not continue down the self destructive selfish path she is currently on.

You could end up defining character flaws in her through this process. She can choose to address those. I hope she does. You have already started on yours. Great work. Partnering with the right professionals will only strengthen your efforts. Happy for you even though its painful... Been there done that in spades.


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post #77 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-26-2015, 09:42 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

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Originally Posted by londonguy View Post
In my view cheapasses are those people who don't plan and because of this they end up being beggars to their friends and family when their career is over, not those who plan & save.

I consider it extremely important and I have told her I didn't sign up for this and I do not intend to live like this. I know plenty of ex-executives who used to wear luxury watches and drive sport cars who are now bankrupt and got no income. I do not intend to become like this, especially given that I'm well aware of this danger and I don't drink the "this is perpetual" coolaid.

The jewelry obsession is beyond me, it's a status symbol and I find it a silly to play the game "look I can dress like a millionaire"
Then this is non negotiable.

If it is that important to you, why are you not making it non negotiable?

Oh, because your immature wife, who you threatened with divorce once, is making a total power play in your relationship.

Stop contacting her. Stop emailing her. Stop texting her. She only has the power over you that you give her.

Someone who is shallow and high maintenance is EASILY replaceable.

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post #78 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-26-2015, 09:53 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Far, he threatened it more than once.

But I agree that he made a risky choice. And he is paying for it.
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One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #79 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-26-2015, 10:00 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Her uppance is coming... She is also making choices that will cost her.

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom. - Anais Nin
Never underestimate the potential for things to improve in ways you cannot yet imagine. Karen Rohlf
Be soft as possible, but firm as necessary - Pat Parelli

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post #80 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-26-2015, 10:39 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

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Far, he threatened it more than once.

But I agree that he made a risky choice. And he is paying for it.
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And he sucks for it.

Her reaction and her attitude are perfect for arm candy or a mistress, but terrible for a wife.

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post #81 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-26-2015, 10:56 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

I am thinking that his wife was looking for an excuse to divorce and enjoyed telling him she wanted it. Otherwise she would want to talk it over with him and come home. She's getting advice from others I suspect.

She will divorce him, take his paycheck with the new baby, and move on to the next sugardaddy.

I could be wrong, but the person he is describing (materialistic, self-centered, controlling, etc) does not sound like a person that is going to be a good one to trust ad start a family with.
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post #82 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-26-2015, 11:01 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

If she leaves you, let her go. You were in over your head. Be a good dad in whatever capacity you can.

Make a wiser choice next time around, if it comes to that.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #83 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-26-2015, 11:07 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

I wouldn't write this relationship off so fast. We have yet to see how she reacts fully when her priorities are tested. It is amazing the changes that happen when people are faced with raw reality. Not to mention we do not have a full picture of her level of self awareness. Plus this is the mother of his child and the love of his life. Though he made a poor choice in managing extreme boundary frustration, I do not get the impression he is willing to say "oh, well, f*** it" and walk out. I can tell he's going to do the homework on these issues whether they stay together or not.

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom. - Anais Nin
Never underestimate the potential for things to improve in ways you cannot yet imagine. Karen Rohlf
Be soft as possible, but firm as necessary - Pat Parelli

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post #84 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-26-2015, 11:10 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

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Originally Posted by Blossom Leigh View Post
I wouldn't write this relationship off so fast. We have yet to see how she reacts fully when her priorities are tested. It is amazing the changes that happen when people are faced with raw reality. Not to mention we do not have a full picture of her level of self awareness.
I would like to see him set a financial limit, that's for sure. And no more divorce threats. Nurturing her and earning her trust by displaying good character is important, too.

But a materialistic person is hard to satisfy. I really am concerned he is in over his head. I want him to have realistic expectations.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #85 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-26-2015, 11:16 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

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I would like to see him set a financial limit, that's for sure. And no more divorce threats. Nurturing her and earning her trust by displaying good character is important, too.

But a materialistic person is hard to satisfy. I really am concerned he is in over his head. I want him to have realistic expectations.
Agree with all except "in over his head."

He's got this. He just needs that relational perspective that rights the ship. He's working on that piece. And yes, it is a blend of nurture and structure.


The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom. - Anais Nin
Never underestimate the potential for things to improve in ways you cannot yet imagine. Karen Rohlf
Be soft as possible, but firm as necessary - Pat Parelli

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post #86 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-26-2015, 11:20 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

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Originally Posted by Blossom Leigh View Post
Agree with all except "in over his head."

He's got this. He just needs that relational perspective that rights the ship. He's working on that piece. And yes, it is a blend of nurture and structure.
Let's see.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #87 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-26-2015, 11:29 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

When someone wants to walk away from a marriage, it's something that's been on their minds for a while. She knew he didn't mean it when he said he wanted a divorce; even though it's a horrible, stupid thing to say (the op knows this). This has been stewing for a while with her.

She will hardly talk to him and is cold as a cucumber toward him.

Something is going on in her mind that he doesn't know about.
And I think it stems from her selfish, materialistic attitude. He might look on the guest list of this social event... Why was it so darned important? Who was there?
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post #88 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-26-2015, 11:31 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
When someone wants to walk away from a marriage, it's something that's been on their minds for a while. She knew he didn't mean it when he said he wanted a divorce; even though it's a horrible, stupid thing to say (the op knows this). This has been stewing for a while with her.

She will hardly talk to him and is cold as a cucumber toward him.

Something is going on in her mind that he doesn't know about.
And I think it stems from her selfish, materialistic attitude. He might look on the guest list of this social event... Why was it so darned important? Who was there?
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OP, are you by chance from an ethnic or cultural group where money and status are particularly important?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #89 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-26-2015, 11:32 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
When someone wants to walk away from a marriage, it's something that's been on their minds for a while. She knew he didn't mean it when he said he wanted a divorce; even though it's a horrible, stupid thing to say (the op knows this). This has been stewing for a while with her.

She will hardly talk to him and is cold as a cucumber toward him.

Something is going on in her mind that he doesn't know about.
And I think it stems from her selfish, materialistic attitude. He might look on the guest list of this social event... Why was it so darned important? Who was there?
Posted via Mobile Device
Relevant questions and part of his homework.

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom. - Anais Nin
Never underestimate the potential for things to improve in ways you cannot yet imagine. Karen Rohlf
Be soft as possible, but firm as necessary - Pat Parelli

Blossom's Road of Recovery and Reconciliation
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post #90 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-26-2015, 02:31 PM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Op, if you are from a culture that values material things more for their status than usefulness, you are going to have a difficult time managing your finances, much less get your wife to go along with you.

I would suggest that you purchase a program to help you prioritize needs, what needs to be paid no matter what to help you determine how much excess money you actually have. Once you know that, you can divide up the excess money into categories of your chosing: saving for house, children's education, retirement, monthly spending on luxuries/eating out/ "mad money." Each of you should have an agreed upon amount of $ that you are allowed to spend on whatever you want, but no more.

Below I have posted a link to something that can help you and your wife get on the same page regarding finances.

Dave Ramsey's Online Store - daveramsey.com

"Financial Peace University Home Study Kit" $139

It will change your and your wife's marriage, and your lives.
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