suggestions on how to reconcile - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #91 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 02:00 AM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Yes, this is the case, we both are and I realise this makes it harder for her to have some financial discipline. However, if something does not change, we'll be in trouble down the road and it's a shame, we both have good jobs.

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OP, are you by chance from an ethnic or cultural group where money and status are particularly important?


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post #92 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 02:04 AM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

We talked briefly yesterday, she asked me to continue the chat an hour later because she was eating, I called her, she didn't pick up. Sent a text, she replied she didn't pick it up because she has nothing to say and then she send another one along the lines of: ok you're doing steps indeed but what if the counsellor cannot help?

I don't know if she's in a struggle to give us another go or she's trying to find reasons to end it.
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post #93 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 02:06 AM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

It was more than once, I really blew this one.

I don't want to replace her, my main goal is to work together on the financials issue longer term.

But before this happens we would need to reconcile and I can't say things have been going well on that front so far.

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Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
Then this is non negotiable.

If it is that important to you, why are you not making it non negotiable?

Oh, because your immature wife, who you threatened with divorce once, is making a total power play in your relationship.

Stop contacting her. Stop emailing her. Stop texting her. She only has the power over you that you give her.

Someone who is shallow and high maintenance is EASILY replaceable.

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post #94 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 02:10 AM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

If she leaves I won't have much of an option, I'll see my child 2 days per 2 weeks, I find this the worst possible scenario. It's my child and I want us to be close.

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If she leaves you, let her go. You were in over your head. Be a good dad in whatever capacity you can.

Make a wiser choice next time around, if it comes to that.
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post #95 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 02:12 AM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

I do think my mother in law and her aunt are advising her to stay away from me at the moment.

She's going to be a great mum because she cares a lot about the baby.

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
I am thinking that his wife was looking for an excuse to divorce and enjoyed telling him she wanted it. Otherwise she would want to talk it over with him and come home. She's getting advice from others I suspect.

She will divorce him, take his paycheck with the new baby, and move on to the next sugardaddy.

I could be wrong, but the person he is describing (materialistic, self-centered, controlling, etc) does not sound like a person that is going to be a good one to trust ad start a family with.
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post #96 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 02:15 AM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

I'll do anything it takes and won't allow this to repeat, she'll never hear divorce again if we reconcile. However yesterday she asked and what if counselling doesn't work, maybe she wants more certainty.

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Originally Posted by Blossom Leigh View Post
I wouldn't write this relationship off so fast. We have yet to see how she reacts fully when her priorities are tested. It is amazing the changes that happen when people are faced with raw reality. Not to mention we do not have a full picture of her level of self awareness. Plus this is the mother of his child and the love of his life. Though he made a poor choice in managing extreme boundary frustration, I do not get the impression he is willing to say "oh, well, f*** it" and walk out. I can tell he's going to do the homework on these issues whether they stay together or not.
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post #97 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 02:17 AM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

I've already bought personal finance books for her but she didn't read them.

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Originally Posted by IMFarAboveRubies View Post
Op, if you are from a culture that values material things more for their status than usefulness, you are going to have a difficult time managing your finances, much less get your wife to go along with you.

I would suggest that you purchase a program to help you prioritize needs, what needs to be paid no matter what to help you determine how much excess money you actually have. Once you know that, you can divide up the excess money into categories of your chosing: saving for house, children's education, retirement, monthly spending on luxuries/eating out/ "mad money." Each of you should have an agreed upon amount of $ that you are allowed to spend on whatever you want, but no more.

Below I have posted a link to something that can help you and your wife get on the same page regarding finances.

Dave Ramsey's Online Store - daveramsey.com

"Financial Peace University Home Study Kit" $139

It will change your and your wife's marriage, and your lives.
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post #98 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 03:00 AM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

She's not seeing someone, I'm 100% certain about this

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
When someone wants to walk away from a marriage, it's something that's been on their minds for a while. She knew he didn't mean it when he said he wanted a divorce; even though it's a horrible, stupid thing to say (the op knows this). This has been stewing for a while with her.

She will hardly talk to him and is cold as a cucumber toward him.

Something is going on in her mind that he doesn't know about.
And I think it stems from her selfish, materialistic attitude. He might look on the guest list of this social event... Why was it so darned important? Who was there?
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post #99 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 05:08 AM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

We talked over the phone, she sounded very angry.

She raised two more points, one is the financial issue. She wants more fancy restaurants, trips etc. The other issue is she wants more respect in front of her friends and family.

For the first one we need to discuss as I can't agree for the sake of agreeing.

The second one I'm more than happy to do, I was pissed of during the social obligation and I did say I may leave mid xmas to do surgery but the reason, which while a possibility I did say it because I was angry at her for booking the social event without my consent.
This was poor behaviour from my part and she's got every right to feel betrayed.

She also said she doesn't want to meet.

Last edited by londonguy; 12-27-2015 at 05:34 AM.
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post #100 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 06:15 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

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Originally Posted by londonguy View Post
Yes, this is the case, we both are and I realise this makes it harder for her to have some financial discipline. However, if something does not change, we'll be in trouble down the road and it's a shame, we both have good jobs.
Can you get some advice from older men in your particular group? They have likely dealt with these issues, especially the financial ones, themselves. They know what works well with the women in your subculture, I would guess.
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One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #101 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 06:22 AM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

To be honest I know of only one, he's sort of a model & mentor for me. He's a quite senior person in my industry and my wife's comment about him is she can't understand why he's a .. cheapass (who nonetheless lives in a very nice house in London instead of blowing his hard earned cash in brands and expensive trips).

He very rarely discusses personal matters, he's a very private person so I doubt asking him will trigger a response. I do know he almost went nuts with his wife a few years ago but I have no clue how they resolved it and he wouldn't tell me.

I know of no other. To be honest it's a financial disarray all over the place once people hit late 40s/early 50s and I do not plan to get there.

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Originally Posted by jld View Post
Can you get some advice from older men in your particular group? They have likely dealt with these issues, especially the financial ones, themselves. They know what works well with the women in your subculture, I would guess.
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post #102 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 06:25 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Just to be specific, are you in an Indian subgroup?
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One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #103 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 06:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

No, not in an Indian subgroup, lets keep it broad and say southern Europe.

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Just to be specific, are you in an Indian subgroup?
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post #104 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 06:40 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Okay. Stick to your guns on finances. You have to.

I am not sure what to say for the rest. To me it sounds like you married someone with a stronger character than yourself. That must be hard. It can help if you listen to her and are willing to compromise on other issues.

But bottom line, she seems stronger, and she knows it. For a certain kind of woman, that is unsettling. It does not make her trust you to know you can get rattled enough to threaten divorce.

It seems like a lot of men on TAM get in over their heads with women. They get dazzled by a woman's beauty and that is pretty much the end of any real autonomy on their parts. I hope younger men reading this see it as a cautionary tale.
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One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #105 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 06:43 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Whats her justification for more fancy restaurants and vacations? How far down the road would y'all be in trouble if you did what she is asking? Has she seen the numbers in black and white? Is your money pooled together or separate? What would happen if it were separated if its not?

I want to share a concept that may not be crossing your mind. I don't think its wise to chase her right now. Get centered as an individual. Just concentrate on your immediate space. By taking your hyper focus off of her, you open up space for her to seek you out and initiate. It could take her a while, so you would have to keep busy, but right now you are carrying the entire weight of this relationship on your shoulders. You need to lay it down and wait for her to pick up some of the load. The entirety of this relationship does not belong solely on your shoulders alone.

You are the father of her child who ALSO deserves respect. You are working hard to provide and protect yall financially, she can back her truck up with the demands. See now I'm getting mad for you. If she wants to let her mother and aunt destroy her marriage with foolish ideas, then she is truly blind to her part in protecting this marriage. You are not her work mule she can beat with a whip going down the road. I equivocate your threatening divorce (though I dont like it) to you bucking her off. In the horse world we call that FEEDBACK and maybe she needed and deserved to have her a$$ bucked off. Sometimes you've GOT to say "Enough is f'in enough". So don't beat yourself up too hard for this one. I can tell this woman needs to be rocked back on her heels hard.

Sorry for the fiestiness... That kind of disrespect ticks me off. Who the hell does she think she is.... Ok. Lol... Sorry

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom. - Anais Nin
Never underestimate the potential for things to improve in ways you cannot yet imagine. Karen Rohlf
Be soft as possible, but firm as necessary - Pat Parelli

Blossom's Road of Recovery and Reconciliation
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