suggestions on how to reconcile - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #106 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 06:49 AM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

I'll do that. My initial thought was to negotiate finances after the birth so that she doesn't get upset while pregnant but as she wants to discuss this now, I cannot but speak my mind about it.

I wouldn't say she's stronger though, I'm the one who proved stronger a few years back (we had fallen apart) and helped her beat depression, helped her prepare for industry interviews. Right now she does have the upper hand though for sure but that is not the same as strength.

Problem is she won't see me to discuss these things, I'll try to talk both points she raised over the phone and cross fingers we discuss constructively.

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Okay. Stick to your guns on finances. You have to.

I am not sure what to say for the rest. To me it sounds like you married someone with a stronger character than yourself. That must be hard. It can help if you listen to her and are willing to compromise on other issues.

But bottom line, she seems stronger, and she knows it. For a certain kind of woman, that is unsettling. It does not make her trust you to know you can get rattled enough to threaten divorce.

It seems like a lot of men on TAM get in over their heads with women. They get dazzled by a woman's beauty and that is pretty much the end of any real autonomy on their parts. I hope younger men reading this see it as a cautionary tale.
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post #107 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 06:55 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

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I'll do that. My initial thought was negotiate finances after the birth so that she doesn't get upset while pregnant but as she wants to discuss this now, I cannot but speak my mind about it.

I wouldn't say she's stronger though, I'm the one who proved stronger a few years back (we had fallen apart) and helped her beat depression, helped her prepare for industry interviews. Right now she does have the upper hand though for sure but that is not the same as strength.

Problem is she won't see me to discuss these things, I'll try to talk both points she raised over the phone and cross fingers we discuss constructively.
Yep, see, you've got a LOT on the ball. Don't let her drive your esteem into the dirt. She has way more treasure in you than her greed can see. There is a term around here called an affair fog, well this one is like a greed fog. She is thinking irrationally and missing the parts about you that count. Hold onto those parts of you until the fog lifts. Stand in your truth, always. She is fixing to make a massive mistake.

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom. - Anais Nin
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post #108 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 07:07 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

You are being played, LG.

I think a part of you knows that, yet you are still doing it.

Good luck, brother.

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post #109 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 07:13 AM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Justification for this is ... that she wants the "best". Well we are paycheck to paycheck so either of us loosing his/her job would mean trouble.
I've tried talking numbers but we've progressed very little. Joint expenses like rent & bills are 50-50 atm, I'm happy to skew this according to income %'s and discussed this with her. When we go out, it's me who pays (and often this can cost quite a bit).
So far bank accounts are separate and I have told her that unless we define clear goals for joint accounts I do not agree.
She proposed to have a "working capital" shared account so that we do not talk about give me X£ for this or that, I didn't agree on the amount going there and I said lets put less there plus open a joint savings account with very clear goals (e.g. buy a house in this £range in X years time). She didn't agree to the two accounts idea (some £ going for current expenses but most being locked in a savings account with a clear objective agreed upon upfront).

I told her today that I am taking steps to amend for what I did but it is pointless if we don't talk, hinting that I want her to be there if this is to work.
I made the mistake, my behaviour was terrible tbh so I'm not in position for high demands but I do think if she's not picking up the phone nor seeing me we won't get anywhere. It's a difficult step for her to take as she's lost trust due to my tantrums.

I had told her a month ago or so that if we are to spend on brands & restaurants, rather than saving, then I'd rather get a job that's more relaxed, pays less and we can skip the brands. Financially this is equivalent and I'll live longer.

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Whats her justification for more fancy restaurants and vacations? How far down the road would y'all be in trouble if you did what she is asking? Has she seen the numbers in black and white? Is your money pooled together or separate? What would happen if it were separated if its not?

I want to share a concept that may not be crossing your mind. I don't think its wise to chase her right now. Get centered as an individual. Just concentrate on your immediate space. By taking your hyper focus off of her, you open up space for her to seek you out and initiate. It could take her a while, so you would have to keep busy, but right now you are carrying the entire weight of this relationship on your shoulders. You need to lay it down and wait for her to pick up some of the load. The entirety of this relationship does not belong solely on your shoulders alone.

You are the father of her child who ALSO deserves respect. You are working hard to provide and protect yall financially, she can back her truck up with the demands. See now I'm getting mad for you. If she wants to let her mother and aunt destroy her marriage with foolish ideas, then she is truly blind to her part in protecting this marriage. You are not her work mule she can beat with a whip going down the road. I equivocate your threatening divorce (though I dont like it) to you bucking her off. In the horse world we call that FEEDBACK and maybe she needed and deserved to have her a$$ bucked off. Sometimes you've GOT to say "Enough is f'in enough". So don't beat yourself up too hard for this one. I can tell this woman needs to be rocked back on her heels hard.

Sorry for the fiestiness... That kind of disrespect ticks me off. Who the hell does she think she is.... Ok. Lol... Sorry

Last edited by londonguy; 12-27-2015 at 07:19 AM.
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post #110 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 07:19 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Let me let you in on something. Almost all of us live paycheck to paycheck. That is not something to feel ashamed of.
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post #111 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 07:23 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

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Let me let you in on something. Almost all of us live paycheck to paycheck. That is not something to feel ashamed of.
It is very risky, bandit.
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post #112 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 07:25 AM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

At some point, either due to the economy not being good, the business we work faltering for or health reasons, the paychecks may stop coming though. This is not unhedgeable, but it does take financial prudence to hedge it.

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Let me let you in on something. Almost all of us live paycheck to paycheck. That is not something to feel ashamed of.
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post #113 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 07:25 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

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It is very risky, bandit.
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Thank you Helpy Helperton.
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post #114 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 07:26 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

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I'll do that. My initial thought was to negotiate finances after the birth so that she doesn't get upset while pregnant but as she wants to discuss this now, I cannot but speak my mind about it.

I wouldn't say she's stronger though, I'm the one who proved stronger a few years back (we had fallen apart) and helped her beat depression, helped her prepare for industry interviews. Right now she does have the upper hand though for sure but that is not the same as strength.

Problem is she won't see me to discuss these things, I'll try to talk both points she raised over the phone and cross fingers we discuss constructively.
Maybe upper hand is the better term. Someone who overspends is certainly not strong.

Thing is, if she feels she can make it on her own, and does not feel the need to talk to you, that is not a sign she sees strength in you. If she did, she would be seeking you out, or at least be open to your efforts.
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post #115 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 07:27 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

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Thank you Helpy Helperton.
It's reality.
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One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #116 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 07:32 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

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At some point, either due to the economy not being good, the business we work faltering for or health reasons, the paychecks may stop coming though. This is not unhedgeable, but it does take financial prudence to hedge it.
It is good to plan and save and budget. That's just being a good steward with your money.

But understand that there is no such thing as security. You are a bit better off because you have Mother England who takes care of you from cradle to grave. But that could all go away tomorrow. We live in an unstable world. Here in America we had thousands of older people who's retirements and life savings were wiped out during the financial collapse of 2007-2008. People in their 60s getting ready to retire all of a sudden had to go back to work...at minimum wage jobs, just to put food on the table. I have several friends who's parents are living with them now because they lost everything.

Nothing is for certain, no matter how well you plan.
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post #117 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 07:33 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

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It's reality.
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I'll take that under advisement thank you.
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post #118 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 07:37 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

You may not have an immediate upper hand, but that does not mean you now have to lay down. Sure, make amends, but dont grovel. Bottom line is, she is being unreasonable with being ok leaving the family at financial risk just to get her ego stroked. Put your foot down and leave it there. If she wants to walk because her life isnt high falootant enough, her loss.

And here is a thought.. I've told my H, I dont want him NOT standing up to me. There is a possibility she is waiting for you to "declare how its going to be" and be done with her silliness. Just food for thought...

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom. - Anais Nin
Never underestimate the potential for things to improve in ways you cannot yet imagine. Karen Rohlf
Be soft as possible, but firm as necessary - Pat Parelli

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post #119 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 07:37 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

It is terrible that Wall St. did what it did, and that no one has gone to jail. Go see the movie The Big Short. Excellent.

But spending on jewelry and restaurants is completely discretionary spending. It requires some self control to rein it in. But you can save a lot if you do.
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post #120 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 09:50 AM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Called her to discuss the new issues she raised today, she said she's out and she's going to return late so I shouldn't call. Doesn't sound to me like she wants to talk.

I guess it's the price to pay. I mentioned divorce, broke her trust and now she's giving me exactly what I asked for.
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