suggestions on how to reconcile - Page 9 - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #121 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 10:05 AM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

The thing is that she doesn't view it as putting the family at risks. She thinks paycheck to paycheck is normal because promotions will come, the sky will always be blue etc so why not spend to enjoy ourselves ?

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You may not have an immediate upper hand, but that does not mean you now have to lay down. Sure, make amends, but dont grovel. Bottom line is, she is being unreasonable with being ok leaving the family at financial risk just to get her ego stroked. Put your foot down and leave it there. If she wants to walk because her life isnt high falootant enough, her loss.

And here is a thought.. I've told my H, I dont want him NOT standing up to me. There is a possibility she is waiting for you to "declare how its going to be" and be done with her silliness. Just food for thought...


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post #122 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 10:10 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

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Called her to discuss the new issues she raised today, she said she's out and she's going to return late so I shouldn't call. Doesn't sound to me like she wants to talk.

I guess it's the price to pay. I mentioned divorce, broke her trust and now she's giving me exactly what I asked for.
It may not be a bad thing, though, if you were in over your head with her. You need to be with the right person.
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post #123 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 10:12 AM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

It's very far off what I want though, to make my amends for mentioning divorce , work on the other issues together with her and raise our child together.

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It may not be a bad thing, though, if you were in over your head with her. You need to be with the right person.
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post #124 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 10:17 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

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It's very far off what I want though, to make my amends for mentioning divorce , work on the other issues together with her and raise our child together.
Then work on your character issues. Be rigorously honest with yourself.
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One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #125 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 10:27 AM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

I'm trying, already talked to a counsellor about beginning sessions, cancelled anything related to hoping to a new job so that I don't have upcoming preparation & interviews. When I recover I'll also start a sport.

Regarding the new issues she raised, I cannot agree on the financial one but perhaps this will be ok.

Not being able to talk to my wife and hold her tummy with our baby inside has brought me in a state of shock to be honest.

She won't talk to me or see me though, so how can I reconcile

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Then work on your character issues. Be rigorously honest with yourself.
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post #126 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 10:34 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

You may not be able to.

If you do get to talk to her, focus on listening.
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One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #127 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 10:34 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

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Originally Posted by londonguy View Post
The thing is that she doesn't view it as putting the family at risks. She thinks paycheck to paycheck is normal because promotions will come, the sky will always be blue etc so why not spend to enjoy ourselves ?
She sounds immature. She hasn't lived life or seen how people's lives can change drastically very quickly over a job.

Imagine the misery of living with her and her demands for 20 more years, with children to support.
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post #128 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 10:35 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Not sure why you want her, though. A less pretty, frugal woman would be much easier.
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One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #129 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 10:37 AM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Perhaps with the child she'll be more financially prudent. I had a discussion about this before the wedding, then she had promised she'd be prudent when we're family (didn't happen but we're only a few months into our marriage).

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Imagine the misery of living with her and her demands for 20 more years, with children to support.
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post #130 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 10:40 AM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

she mentioned new issues, asked her to discuss these this evening as I want her to feel comfortable with all aspects of our relationship.

I brought the marriage where it is now by mentioning divorce and having a tantrum but I'm really doing all I can to make amends.

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You may not be able to.

If you do get to talk to her, focus on listening.
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Last edited by londonguy; 12-27-2015 at 10:48 AM.
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post #131 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 10:42 AM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

I have a very strong attachment to her, also it drives me crazy to think I won't be able to raise my child, be next to it, teach it what I can and protect it.

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Not sure why you want her, though. A less pretty, frugal woman would be much easier.
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Last edited by londonguy; 12-27-2015 at 10:50 AM.
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post #132 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 11:17 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

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I have a very strong attachment to her, also it drives me crazy to think I won't be able to raise my child, be next to it, teach it what I can and protect it.
Your attachment to her seems unhealthy, when she clearly disrespects you, abuses you (makes you go out while you are sick) and she plans to ruin you financially. You sound like you are addicted to her.

You will be able to be next to your child, teach and protect it. Just not all the time if you are D. The good side is that when it is with you, it will be 100% with you, and you won't have to listen to her criticize you. You can be sure that she will not believe you are a good enough father, since she is already on that track regarding your ability to be a good husband.
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post #133 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 11:20 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

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Perhaps with the child she'll be more financially prudent. I had a discussion about this before the wedding, then she had promised she'd be prudent when we're family (didn't happen but we're only a few months into our marriage).
When did she plan to start keeping her promise? She already broke it.
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post #134 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 11:24 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

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Originally Posted by londonguy View Post
she mentioned new issues, asked her to discuss these this evening as I want her to feel comfortable with all aspects of our relationship.

I brought the marriage where it is now by mentioning divorce and having a tantrum but I'm really doing all I can to make amends.
She repeatedly disrespected your need to rest and forced you to go to social gatherings, and stay too late. You were exasperated, and she brought you to that point.

Yes you spoke the D word instead of telling her how you really felt at the time. Do you think that you were desperate and had a moment of clarity when you threatened D? Do you think that you realized that if you stayed with her that she would wear you out (perhaps even to the point of physical exhaustion) and you don't want to be worn out?
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post #135 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-27-2015, 11:42 AM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Indeed, I got angry because I thought she was putting social bs above my need to rest and recover (which btw was by doctor's orders). Yes I was afraid as well I'd be worn out and tbh I was scared as the doctor in London had said that if despite the antibiotic the symptoms wouldn't go away within X days I'll need surgery (if it doesn't go away it's an emergency but it's something treatable, not something life threatening).

However threatening D was not a moment of clarity, it was the wrong way to express all those feelings.

I've mentioned D two more times in the past, one time again when I really needed rest but didn't let me get it (this was when I didn't have enough sleep for 2 week) and another time when while I was talking about finances and she wore sound-proof headphones (well not completely sound proof it seems, she heard me!) when I felt completely ignored.

In all those cases I had a good reason to be angry but mentioning D was way out of line. I had valid reasons to be very angry but she has valid reasons too to be hurt, she's my pregnant wife and I'm the person that should be next to her, not threaten D.

Quote:
Originally Posted by IMFarAboveRubies View Post
She repeatedly disrespected your need to rest and forced you to go to social gatherings, and stay too late. You were exasperated, and she brought you to that point.

Yes you spoke the D word instead of telling her how you really felt at the time. Do you think that you were desperate and had a moment of clarity when you threatened D? Do you think that you realized that if you stayed with her that she would wear you out (perhaps even to the point of physical exhaustion) and you don't want to be worn out?
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