suggestions on how to reconcile - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-24-2015, 10:41 AM Thread Starter
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suggestions on how to reconcile

Married for 6 months, 10 year relationship, my wife is pregnant with a 4 month baby. A couple of days back we had a big argument and I said I want a divorce, it was a silly thing to say since it came out of spite, never meant it. My wife now plans to give me what I asked for and she seems very serious about it.

To give a bit of a background, I'm on medication and side effects include dizziness and tiredness. I was outdoors already for 9 hours, wanted to get sleep and despite me suggesting otherwise, she arranged for something (for both of us). When the social obligation ended I was out for 12 hours in a row, no food for the whole day (can't eat at any time due to medication which must be taken with empty stomach). I said she doesn't consider me at all, that she makes all the decisions and it's like I'm not there, asked for a divorce, I was on an emotional roller coaster. She left the car, didn't reply any of my 10 calls and then I called her mother (mistake I know...) to say I can't take this any more and I'll be returning her car & I'll be flying back to the country where we live permanently soon (which may have to happen as I may need a surgery but didn't say it because of that), was somewhat calmer on the phone with my mother in law.

Next day I called to apologise for what I said. Too late, she won't pick up the phone most of the time and when she does she gives me 20 seconds, then she hangs up on me. She rarely replies to texts as well and will not see me.

A similar row had happened 2 more times (I mentioned divorce). One time it was due to her putting on sound proof headphones when I wanted to talk family financials (we overspend), the other time it was a trip where I had explicitly mentioned I'll need sleep which I didn't get as she wanted to go straight to the event (prior to the trip was sleeping 4-5 hours per day for 2 weeks due to work commitments). During the trip she was mad at me, I promised this would not happen again and ... I broke my promise a couple of days ago.

I apologise every day and ask her to talk to me. She says she doesn't trust me anymore and whatever I promise her is worthless. When I say I've been there for 10 years by her side, how can she not trust me, she says this all changed the last few months (which include the other two incidents).

I can't imagine life without my soon to be born baby and I love my wife very deeply.

Any advice on how to fix this would be really really valuable, I want to save my marriage and raise my child with her, I don't want to be the "other" parent and I'll do everything I can to prevent this from happening.

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post #2 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-24-2015, 11:22 AM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Just to add that I have made some decissions in the last couple of days so that we avoid similar situations. I'll start counselling, I'll stop preparing for that job interview that's draining my energy as my wife and soon to be born kid are more important than my career and I'll start a sport to improve my physique & resistance against tireness, lack of sleep etc.

At this point however, I can't even communicate these, let alone discuss with her.
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post #3 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-24-2015, 11:35 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

I am sorry you're here. Without your wife talking to you-/ no way.

Don't push her. Don't be needy. Don't seek reassurance from her. It will turn her off. Let her know you don't really want a divorce, and want to talk when she's ready, and LEAVE it at that.

You cannot force her to stay married, reconcile, or anything else.

You've got to let her come to you.
You've got your mother in law working against you now. Don't try to talk to either of them.

Good luck
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post #4 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-24-2015, 11:41 AM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Thanks for your response, you are probably right in your suggestion. I have to admit, I have sent a huge amount of texts the last couple of days and made an insane number of calls to her. I'm in a strange limbo w.r.t. my wedding, if I'll be next to my child when he needs me and most of the day I'm at bed with fever.

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
I am sorry you're here. Without your wife talking to you-/ no way.

Don't push her. Don't be needy. Don't seek reassurance from her. It will turn her off. Let her know you don't really want a divorce, and want to talk when she's ready, and LEAVE it at that.

You cannot force her to stay married, reconcile, or anything else.

You've got to let her come to you.
You've got your mother in law working against you now. Don't try to talk to either of them.

Good luck
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post #5 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-24-2015, 11:42 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

She needs to work on her own end to. She reacts like a child, throwing tantrums.

I would predicate a reconciliation on you both working out your issues. You want someone to also take you into consideration as well. It will need to be a two-way street, otherwise, you would neglect yourself and you should have your own boundaries as well.

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post #6 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-24-2015, 11:42 AM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

You both sound immature.

You should know better than to threaten divorce. It's not a threat to be taken lightly at all. Never threaten divorce unless you're willing to follow through with it. There are only so many times you can throw that threat out there as a fear tactic or a tactic to win an argument before you'll find (as you now know) it blows up in your face.

She is immature for not wanting to have adult discussions with you. Why do you think she would rather ignore you? Do you listen to her when she has something serious to discuss? Lack of effort when it comes to communication over serious matters says that there is a fundamental disconnect between the two of you and there is no respect for each other.

I'd suggest MC as soon as possible. Have a serious talk with her (if you're able to get her in contact with you again) and say that you want to work on repairing the damage that's been done. If she's also willing to work toward the same endeavor, that you both need to be open to MC.

MC isn't the magic solution, but it does give you a new environment for you both to share and get to the heart of what causes disagreement, and how to better and more calmly communicate effectively.

The personal issues are for each of you to tackle individually. You need to work on your emotions and she needs to work on her passive aggressiveness. With a child on the way, you both need to draw focus toward being solid, mature partners that can respect one another.

"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

~ Abraham Maslow
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post #7 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-24-2015, 12:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

I should had never let that word slip my mouth.

I do listen to her to be honest and do pay a lot of attention to her wishes but it's a bit one sided. When there's an argument, she won't back down and it usually comes to me stepping down. E.g. during that trip what I told her initially was sorry for starting an argument but we agreed that to go there I'll get the sleep I need first which is a part you found it's ok to skip. She wouldn't reconcile until I admitted guilty despite our agreement on me getting some sleep, after a whole day of arguing I mentioned divorce.

My tantrum three days ago was because she didn't take into consideration my input in a period when I'm under medication which causes tireness and by doctor's orders I need rest.

In one of the 30 sec calls (she hangs up after that), I meant to tell her I had a tantrum because I feel insecure when she neglects my needs and then I become angry but she hung up at "insecure". In another 30 sec call when I mentioned the antibiotic's side effects and my condition she said "you're not the only one in the world to have this" and she hang up.

I'm not saying it's ok to mention divorce because I had a reason to be angry but at the moment she's not interested at all into hearing the root cause.

I agree that this is something we need to work on as longer term goal but right it's me that did the major blow to our wedding by saying the word "divorce" 3 times in 3 months. I need to amend that first.

I think these tantrums have hurt her a lot and she lost trust in me because of it.

Before we start MC, we need to be in contact first and work towards this together. Right now she has lost all trust in me (I can't blame her to be honest) and won't even talk to me.

We need to talk first, need to build trust again. Then I'd be keen to do MC and anything it takes to amend. I'm very serious about this, she and the child are my number 1 priority.

What can I do to go back to talking terms and build trust again?

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Originally Posted by Satya View Post
You both sound immature.

You should know better than to threaten divorce. It's not a threat to be taken lightly at all. Never threaten divorce unless you're willing to follow through with it. There are only so many times you can throw that threat out there as a fear tactic or a tactic to win an argument before you'll find (as you now know) it blows up in your face.

She is immature for not wanting to have adult discussions with you. Why do you think she would rather ignore you? Do you listen to her when she has something serious to discuss? Lack of effort when it comes to communication over serious matters says that there is a fundamental disconnect between the two of you and there is no respect for each other.

I'd suggest MC as soon as possible. Have a serious talk with her (if you're able to get her in contact with you again) and say that you want to work on repairing the damage that's been done. If she's also willing to work toward the same endeavor, that you both need to be open to MC.

MC isn't the magic solution, but it does give you a new environment for you both to share and get to the heart of what causes disagreement, and how to better and more calmly communicate effectively.

The personal issues are for each of you to tackle individually. You need to work on your emotions and she needs to work on her passive aggressiveness. With a child on the way, you both need to draw focus toward being solid, mature partners that can respect one another.
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post #8 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-24-2015, 12:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

I'm not saying it's all my fault, in the bigger picture there's a lot she could improve on .

However I was the one saying "divorce" on several occasions. While I had a reason (even a good one) to be angry, I did not handle the anger well and I went too far with asking for divorce. She needs a minimum level of security for this to work and even though I never mean it, saying "divorce" is very hurtful and I can understand why she lost trust.

I need to make the first move and begin amends. I feel it's not the best time to state boundaries where indeed there is a lot of work that needs to be done as you point out. This is a must-do second step, once we have rapport and she trusts me. To be honest I think she'd want to work on the relationship if we get there and do e.g. joint counselling.

If this were any other point in time, I'd go with your approach but it's me that just did a major blow to our wedding 3 days ago.

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Originally Posted by Mr.Fisty View Post
She needs to work on her own end to. She reacts like a child, throwing tantrums.

I would predicate a reconciliation on you both working out your issues. You want someone to also take you into consideration as well. It will need to be a two-way street, otherwise, you would neglect yourself and you should have your own boundaries as well.
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post #9 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-24-2015, 12:43 PM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

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Originally Posted by londonguy View Post
I'm not saying it's all my fault, in the bigger picture there's a lot she could improve on .

However I was the one saying "divorce" on several occasions. While I had a reason (even a good one) to be angry, I did not handle the anger well and I went too far with asking for divorce. She needs a minimum level of security for this to work and even though I never mean it, saying "divorce" is very hurtful and I can understand why she lost trust.

I need to make the first move and begin amends. I feel it's not the best time to state boundaries where indeed there is a lot of work that needs to be done as you point out. This is a must-do second step, once we have rapport and she trusts me. To be honest I think she'd want to work on the relationship if we get there and do e.g. joint counselling.

If this were any other point in time, I'd go with your approach but it's me that just did a major blow to our wedding 3 days ago.

I think you both should at the same time. What happens if she responds poorly and mistreats you for something beyond your control? That is when you should enforce boundaries.

Also, do not go chasing after her, she has to want to work on things with you.

So, next time she does something that inconveniences you and starts tuning you out, how do you respond. By walking away and not engaging, that is enforcing boundaries.

Just a suggestion. In the end, you should do what you think is best.

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post #10 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-24-2015, 12:52 PM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Your wife won't even speak to you but 30 seconds? She is showing you quite clearly who rules the roost. You have no hand in this relationship. It's likely to end, unless you straighten yourself out, stop tolerating bs behavior, and stop giving her all this power. If she doesn't want to reconcile this, you're screwed and need to accept it for your own good. If she doesn't want to, you don't need to try to reconcile.
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post #11 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-24-2015, 12:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

I was trying to set a boundary 3 days ago, letting my anger loose after our social obligation was over was a conscious decision.
As she went ahead and booked the social obligation without considering me, I didn't want to expose to other people that I was not ok with it so I went there and tried to set a boundary when we left, which went out of hand when I lost my temper...

The thing is that she can be very subtle when she does things that I don't agree with. E.g. at that trip months ago (she was not pregnant then), to set a boundary, when I got tired I left the event alone after asking 2-3 times to leave together and left her there, to show that it takes two to tango but then she stopped answering calls and came back 4 am and she begun arguing because I left her alone in a foreign country (event was not at home) and what type of person am I.

So to sum up, when I try to set a boundary, she'll let it devolve to the worst possible outcome and then put the blame on me. She's subtle and political when it comes to setting a boundary.

If I try to set a boundary now I think it will be disastrous.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr.Fisty View Post
I think you both should at the same time. What happens if she responds poorly and mistreats you for something beyond your control? That is when you should enforce boundaries.

Also, do not go chasing after her, she has to want to work on things with you.

So, next time she does something that inconveniences you and starts tuning you out, how do you respond. By walking away and not engaging, that is enforcing boundaries.

Just a suggestion. In the end, you should do what you think is best.

Last edited by londonguy; 12-24-2015 at 01:03 PM.
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post #12 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-24-2015, 01:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

This is where it started from, I felt it was bs behaviour to book something despite my wish to rest when I'm on medication that causes tireness and likely to go through an operation soon.

Nonetheless, I went way to far with it and asked for divorce, so she said she'll do exactly what I asked for and hangs up the phone or won't even pick it up. She was not like that with the phone 3 days ago.

I don't feel it's the best point in time to set a boundary, she needs to trust me and when I mentioned divorce I blew her trust.

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Originally Posted by Evinrude58 View Post
Your wife won't even speak to you but 30 seconds? She is showing you quite clearly who rules the roost. You have no hand in this relationship. It's likely to end, unless you straighten yourself out, stop tolerating bs behavior, and stop giving her all this power. If she doesn't want to reconcile this, you're screwed and need to accept it for your own good. If she doesn't want to, you don't need to try to reconcile.
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post #13 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-24-2015, 01:04 PM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

Why are you deeply in love with someone who doesn't consider you?

You have medical conditions and her social commitments are more important than you.

You need to pull back. Stick by your guns. Your declaration of wanting to divorce, though not the best choice, was your desparate plea for boundaries. Pull back hard.

Your boundaries are extremely important. She totally disrespects you. Time to fix it.

Oh and get the book Boundaries

The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom. - Anais Nin
Never underestimate the potential for things to improve in ways you cannot yet imagine. Karen Rohlf
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post #14 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-24-2015, 01:15 PM
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

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Originally Posted by londonguy View Post
I was trying to set a boundary 3 days ago, letting my anger loose after our social obligation was over was a conscious decision.
As she went ahead and booked the social obligation without considering me, I didn't want to expose to other people that I was not ok with it so I went there and tried to set a boundary when we left, which went out of hand when I lost my temper...

The thing is that she can be very subtle when she does things that I don't agree with. E.g. at that trip months ago (she was not pregnant then), to set a boundary, when I got tired I left the event alone after asking 2-3 times to leave together and left her there, to show that it takes two to tango but then she stopped answering calls and came back 4 am and she begun arguing because I left her alone in a foreign country (event was not at home) and what type of person am I.

So to sum up, when I try to set a boundary, she'll let it devolve to the worst possible outcome and then put the blame on me. She's subtle and political when it comes to setting a boundary.

If I try to set a boundary now I think it will be disastrous.

Actually, you should state, "I am tired, and I need to go and rest. If you want to stay, please do so, but as for myself, I am drained and rest would be healthy for me."

Even in arguements,, you can say, "We both are highly emotional at the period, do you mind if we talk about this at another time? We both can think about it and we can talk about it when we are both ready."

There is a point where you can enforce boundries before things escalate. You allow yourself to get to that critical point where your emotions control your actions.

Perhaps, you can learn to see the signs of escalation and defuse the situation.

But, listen to Blossom, her societal priorities came before your health. Right now, you have a drive to be with her and do you think because of your feelings at the moment, it is blocking your perspective?

I am such a tree hugger because it gives me wood!
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post #15 of 225 (permalink) Old 12-24-2015, 01:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: suggestions on how to reconcile

I don't have a rational explanation but I have an extremely strong attachment to her. Perhaps it's because she gave me a lot of love & tenderness when there weren't any boundaries issues. We had broken up 5 years ago for 2.5 years and these pretty much the worst years of my life. I did counselling and got my act together but could never bond with anyone I dated nor was I able to give affection to another woman. Perhaps it's just love, it feels nice when she's next to me.

During the reconnection I did set boundaries (not enough apparently). What is so different now? I do not want to set a boundary right now because I risk not being able raise my child and I'll be confining myself to a Saturday-dad role. Also it's my fault for mentioning divorce, I went way too far so it needs to be me who builds rapport and trust before anything else (boundaries, joint counselling).

Regarding medical conditions vs social commitments, this is what angered me so much. In the past I've always cancelled dinners because she wasn't feeling well and helped her get better. I did expect her to do the same, especially given that I'm taking strong medication.

I'll read the book !

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blossom Leigh View Post
Why are you deeply in love with someone who doesn't consider you?

You have medical conditions and her social commitments are more important than you.

You need to pull back. Stick by your guns. Your declaration of wanting to divorce, though not the best choice, was your desparate plea for boundaries. Pull back hard.

Your boundaries are extremely important. She totally disrespects you. Time to fix it.

Oh and get the book Boundaries
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