What do you all think? - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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  • 2 Post By Be smart
  • 2 Post By asbh71
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post #1 of 12 (permalink) Old 12-25-2015, 05:18 PM Thread Starter
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What do you all think?

Quick background....married 23 years, separated 1.5 years divorce was final 6 months ago. XH has girlfriend of 6 months. ...2 months ago he stopped by my work and we have been seeing each other since....girlfriend knows that we have been talking but XH has not been very honest with her about the extent of our relationship. We talk about reconciliation and he says all the things I want to hear...I love him dearly and we both have grown and understand the part we both played in the end of our marriage. It was not a bad divorce it was more like we needed to be apart to make changes to ourselves to better ourselves. The problem I have is how long should it take for him to break it off with the girlfriend? I want it to be his idea to end that relationship because I feel that if I give him an ultimatum that our reconciliation would be doomed. He hasn't done it this week because he says it's Christmas and her b day is Sunday....I feel like thats kind of crap but I don't want to be inpatient either. I feel like I don't want to rush this because I want it to last forever. What are your opinions....am I being played? He says I am his best friend, soul mate and the love of his life....he wants to be with me....thoughts?

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post #2 of 12 (permalink) Old 12-25-2015, 05:24 PM
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Re: What do you all think?

Welcome to TAM.

You were together for 23 years and it is a lot my lady.

You have to think about this : he wants to work on your relationship but he is still seeing this other girlfriend.

He is playing with you at this moment. Having two ladys chasing him is a good deal. He is even lying to this girlfriend.

What makes you think he is not doing the same with you ?

Ask him the question : me or your gf and see what he choose.

Dont be PLAN B to anyone. Have a respect for youself.

Stay strong.
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post #3 of 12 (permalink) Old 12-25-2015, 05:29 PM Thread Starter
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Thank you....I know you are right...I have distanced myself for the time being and he still is contacting me. I don't want to be 2nd fiddle. Need to make a move.
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post #4 of 12 (permalink) Old 12-25-2015, 06:08 PM
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Re: What do you all think?

Quote:
Originally Posted by asbh71 View Post
Quick background....married 23 years, separated 1.5 years divorce was final 6 months ago. XH has girlfriend of 6 months. ...2 months ago he stopped by my work and we have been seeing each other since....girlfriend knows that we have been talking but XH has not been very honest with her about the extent of our relationship. We talk about reconciliation and he says all the things I want to hear...I love him dearly and we both have grown and understand the part we both played in the end of our marriage. It was not a bad divorce it was more like we needed to be apart to make changes to ourselves to better ourselves. The problem I have is how long should it take for him to break it off with the girlfriend? I want it to be his idea to end that relationship because I feel that if I give him an ultimatum that our reconciliation would be doomed. He hasn't done it this week because he says it's Christmas and her b day is Sunday....I feel like thats kind of crap but I don't want to be inpatient either. I feel like I don't want to rush this because I want it to last forever. What are your opinions....am I being played? He says I am his best friend, soul mate and the love of his life....he wants to be with me....thoughts?
He had an affair on you, now he is having an affair with you.

guess whats going to happen when you get back together. Unless he has made massive changes in his life (which is possible, especially as a bloke gets older) chances are he's going to repeat the pattern.

He has found that gf isn't good at the things you were good at in the relationship - and/or husband doesn't have social skills to find outside affair/new gf so he's falling back to the familiar. Since she doesn't do those things, he's missing that in his life - humans aren't naturally monogamous so he's seeking to fill that "you" spaced gap in his life.

You'd have to see massive rearrangement in his approach to life to consider being more than bump-into-each-other coffee buddies (ie not even regular buddies)
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post #5 of 12 (permalink) Old 12-25-2015, 06:14 PM
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Re: What do you all think?

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Originally Posted by asbh71 View Post
Thank you....I know you are right...I have distanced myself for the time being and he still is contacting me. I don't want to be 2nd fiddle. Need to make a move.
You dont have to make any move my lady. You already did it,with your Divorce.

Just ask him simple question "me or her" and dont let him or anybody else to use you or make you like a Plan B.

Dont rush with anything,you have a lot of years in front of you so choose wisely

Have a nice evening.
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post #6 of 12 (permalink) Old 12-25-2015, 06:29 PM Thread Starter
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I need to clarify there were no affairs on either part. XH didn't find gf until after divorce was final. We grew apart and didn't take care of each other towards the end of the marriage. Both of us were at fault for thinking divorce was easier than working at it. Not making excuses but want to be fair no cheating during marriage.
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post #7 of 12 (permalink) Old 12-25-2015, 07:52 PM
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Re: What do you all think?

But you are both cheating now.

Seriously, walk away from this.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #8 of 12 (permalink) Old 12-26-2015, 07:45 PM
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Re: What do you all think?

I would simply tell him that his failure to end it with gf indicates to you that he is not ready for a reconciliation and to call you when/if he is ready. Maybe you will consider it at that time maybe you won't. In the meantime get busy with your own life.

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post #9 of 12 (permalink) Old 12-26-2015, 08:15 PM
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Re: What do you all think?

Have you been having sex with him?

Tell him at if at anytime he has no other woman in his life and wants to start dating you exclusively again, he can contact you. At that point you might be available. Or you might not. (you are not going to wait around for him.)

Him telling you that he cannot break up with the girlfriend until after Christmas and her birthday is just insulting. Why on earth would he think it was ok to tell you that. He's lying to her and he's lying to you. Surely you can do better than that.
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post #10 of 12 (permalink) Old 12-26-2015, 09:15 PM
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Re: What do you all think?

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I need to clarify there were no affairs on either part. XH didn't find gf until after divorce was final. We grew apart and didn't take care of each other towards the end of the marriage. Both of us were at fault for thinking divorce was easier than working at it. Not making excuses but want to be fair no cheating during marriage.
My ex told his own brother recently that he met his "girlfriend" one month after our divorce was final. The truth is he met her 10 months prior to that and left me for her. One month after he met her, he told me we should separate because we had drifted apart and weren't taking care of each other like we should anymore. Swore there was no one else. I found out about her four months after he asked for the separation. He would have perpetuated that lie with me, too, indefinitely, if I hadn't found out. We were married for 25 years.

Sorry to project here, as I'm apt to do. But this sounds awfully familiar.

In any event, if you are truly his soul mate and the love of his life, why isn't he with you right now?

I know you know the answer to that.

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post #11 of 12 (permalink) Old 12-28-2015, 06:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What do you all think?

You all are right. I haven't made him choose. I have told him he doesn't have to.....I made the choice for him....I am only willing to be friends with him now because of our son. No sex....hes attached at the moment. I don't believe that relationship will last much longer but none the less I have decided to live my life and if he grows a set and realizes that he's wasting time and truly wants to be with me he can call....no guarantees I will be willing. I do love him but I also love myself and no more cheating. That's not who I am. I deserve to be someone's ONLY one. I will pray about it and time will tell.
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post #12 of 12 (permalink) Old 12-30-2015, 10:56 PM
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Re: What do you all think?

I would think that if he wanted to truly be back with you, he wouldn't have the girlfriend still.

So that shouldn't even be a question in my mind... No... don't ask for me back if you are with someone else. No way.

Be single and then try to come back....
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