Survivors of multiple affairs here? Advice or 2x4 welcome - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 28 (permalink) Old 12-28-2015, 08:21 PM
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Re: Survivors of multiple affairs here? Advice or 2x4 welcome

Mgleckler,

One thing which stands out for me is that the first affair was with a doctor, was the doctor ever disgraced professionally as he should have been, was there widespread exposure?

My W's OM2 and OM3 were both doctors and there is something which really stings about that fact, even considering that my W seems inherently attractive to doctors for some reason.

Tamat

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post #17 of 28 (permalink) Old 12-28-2015, 10:26 PM Thread Starter
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No he wasn't...we moved out of state shortly after and I buried it within...
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Mgleckler,

One thing which stands out for me is that the first affair was with a doctor, was the doctor ever disgraced professionally as he should have been, was there widespread exposure?

My W's OM2 and OM3 were both doctors and there is something which really stings about that fact, even considering that my W seems inherently attractive to doctors for some reason.

Tamat
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post #18 of 28 (permalink) Old 12-29-2015, 12:37 PM
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Re: Survivors of multiple affairs here? Advice or 2x4 welcome

mgleckler,

Please do the doctors wife a favor and send her an email detailing his behavior.

Tamat
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post #19 of 28 (permalink) Old 12-29-2015, 12:52 PM
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Re: Survivors of multiple affairs here? Advice or 2x4 welcome

I think that a lot of folks (I'll stop just short of saying "most") here would advise your husband to divorce based solely upon the fact that -- w/ multiple (as in more than one) affairs under your belt -- you're a serial cheat. Admittedly, I fall into that camp.

Still, you're here, looking for advice, insight, or whatever you can get in the hopes of keeping your family together. I respect that.

That said, you don't have to convince anyone here that you're willing to put in the hard work necessary to turn things around, change your ways, fully recommit yourself to your marriage and your family, as well as assisting your husband in his journey to heal from the trauma brought about by your repeated infidelities. You do, however, have to convince your husband of these things, at least if you expect to remain in your marriage.

What do you feel drives you to cheat? What fuels it? If you've not figured this out, you need to do so. The simple, obvious answer is that you cheated because you wanted to cheat. But it goes deeper than that, and you need to get to the root of it. After all, how else can you be expected to NOT cheat yet again if you don't have any real insight w/ respect to why you do it?

What did you learn from your first affair? More importantly, what DIDN'T you learn that allowed you to cheat again?

Given not only your infidelities, but also the persistent trickle-truth, why do you feel that your husband should give you another chance? And don't say "for the kids", because that's just lame. After all, you don't have to be a spouse to be a parent, and you sure as Hell don't have to stick around in a poor marriage w/ a bad spouse to be a good parent.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #20 of 28 (permalink) Old 01-01-2016, 04:50 PM
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Re: Survivors of multiple affairs here? Advice or 2x4 welcome

Hi,

The haters are doing you a favor. If you learn to handle their comments it will help you deal with your husband. Most WS run after a few pages. Stand up to the haters you will stand upnfor your marriage. This thread has basic info for you Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this

This post is by a WS @LosingHim http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...icroscope.html. I think they will divorce. I want you to read it because it is an amazing journey of self discoverly.



Final look up EI and B1 story, she is a WS and they have posted jointly and seperatly.
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post #21 of 28 (permalink) Old 01-01-2016, 06:54 PM
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Re: Survivors of multiple affairs here? Advice or 2x4 welcome

mgleckler74, I don't have much to offer, since I'm a betrayed spouse, not a cheating one. But I am intrigued by two things you said: your love tank needed to be filled, and NOW you know true remorse. I agree with intheory that I am puzzled why you didn't talk to your h about your emotional needs and your needs to be validated, and why looked elsewhere before talking to him. And I agree with Gus, that you cheated because you wanted to, but there's something deeper, maybe that love tank thing. And I think JohnA has a point when he suggests you read LosingHim's thread, I'm under a microscope.

Since I am, as I said, the betrayed, and not the wandering, spouse, I don't have any advice to offer you, but I can welcome you to the place where you're likely to get a lot of help, whatever your goal, and however things turn out.

Best of luck to you in your journey to self-discovery, even if through some very difficult consequences.
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post #22 of 28 (permalink) Old 01-01-2016, 07:26 PM
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Re: Survivors of multiple affairs here? Advice or 2x4 welcome

@JohnA paged me here apparently so I will offer whatever input that I can.

First off, you're going to have some "haters". As John suggested, don't look at it as hating, these people will help you find yourself. Some of the BS can come across as almost cruel in their ways of talking to you. I've had one BS blow up at people trying to help me and called them ****blockers. It happens. You're dealing with BS and WS alike. Some things you say might trigger a BS, or make them angry or think you're full of ****. But what you have to keep in mind is, ALL of the comments will help you in one way or another.

I've broken down crying from some of the comments on my thread. I've responded, sometimes in a not so nice way. But at the end of the day, you have to realize that tough love helps you grow.

If you stay here and keep responding, you'll be forced to look deep within yourself and that's a very good thing. I've been told by a few that were very hard on me that I've somewhat gained their respect. I have to feel that it's because I'm not giving up on my quest to become a better person.

In my opinion, there are many different types of WS. The serial cheaters, the one time long affairs, the one time flings and the emotional cheaters.

Unfortunately you fall under the serial category. I fall under the one time fling. What sucks is, you were given several chances. And you threw it away each time. You failed to recognize your behavior before it was too late. I know the "it's too late" sentence sucks. I'm in the it's too late category myself and it's the hardest thing in the world to accept.

My husband wants a separation because he "has to". He can't "do the cheating thing" and making me leave is "how he makes it stop". I'd give my life to change that. So I do know how you're feeling right now. My husband has mentioned several times that he "can't see the future" and "there may be a chance for us some day" but "not now, especially not right now". Many people have told me my marriage is over. And I can't accept it. The pain is real, raw and overwhelming most days. I GET IT.

But I've done so much soul searching since my DDay - September 29th.

I still live with my husband. I still sleep with my husband and wake up to him wrapped around me often. He's also gone back to kissing me. Make out kisses, along with sweet kisses. My husband will play with my hair, rub my back, hug me. Lay his head on my chest, rub my feet, do things for me.

And it gives me hope. But at the same time, I can FEEL the difference in him. His smiles aren't so swift, he's guarded with me. He checks my text messages and Facebook incessantly. Even though moving out is the last thing I want, I'm in the process of buying a house. And I've come to even look forward to making it my own. I just got word today that I got the second job I applied for. I'm planning my life ON MY OWN. I'm planning to make it on my own. There's a great sense of accomplishment in that. I'm taking pride in how I'm taking charge of my life in those aspects.

Most people on TAM don't like my husband. He has his own issues and he surely hasn't been a saint during our marriage. I've even had people tell me my one time PA and shaky boundaries are understandable. However, I still accept full responsibility for what I did. Because I always had a choice.

But through this soul searching I'm learning so much about myself. I've changed my boundaries (still working on it, it's not easy). I've become 110% transparent to a man who doesn't want me any longer. I've stopped contact with 95% or so of my "friends" because they're toxic. I've made it my goal to persue female friendships. I no longer seek male attention (at least not knowingly) and I analyze my actions with as much foresight as possible.

There are many here that don't believe my husband either deserves me nor that I should be chasing him because he's "no prize". It's hard to shut that off.

But. This deep soul searching, this getting to know myself is something that is tantamount to my future. Either as his wife, someone else's mate or as a crazy old cat lady.

Search yourself. Figure out why you do the things you do. Change them. You have proven to be an unsafe mate. What can you do in the future to be a safe mate?

And this is the hardest for me to say, because I get it, but let him walk away. He has expressed what he needs in order to heal. If you truly love him, you'll give him WHATEVER he needs in order to heal. That was the only thing that made me able to proceed with buying my own house. When you truly love someone, you want them to love you back. But sometimes the best thing to do is let them go.
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I'll get through this, one day at a time.
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post #23 of 28 (permalink) Old 01-01-2016, 08:01 PM
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Re: Survivors of multiple affairs here? Advice or 2x4 welcome

Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnA View Post
Hi,

The haters are doing you a favor. If you learn to handle their comments it will help you deal with your husband. Most WS run after a few pages. Stand up to the haters you will stand upnfor your marriage. This thread has basic info for you Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this

This post is by a WS @LosingHim http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...icroscope.html. I think they will divorce. I want you to read it because it is an amazing journey of self discoverly.

The first thing that popped into my head is that I don't feel the gut wrenching remore that Losing Him has.

Another thing that bothered me was how she was not totally honest with her IC.

Not good signs to me.


Final look up EI and B1 story, she is a WS and they have posted jointly and seperatly.
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post #24 of 28 (permalink) Old 01-01-2016, 11:25 PM
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Re: Survivors of multiple affairs here? Advice or 2x4 welcome

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@LosingHim

Isn't your husband a massive, chronic porn user and abuser?

I mean, that doesn't make an affair "okay". It doesn't.

But after you were nullified and ignored for porn for so long; I would go a lot easier on you.
Yes he was/is. He's also had an ongoing EA for close to 10 years and multiple instances of inappropriate contact with other women.

My infidelity is strictly my fault though.
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post #25 of 28 (permalink) Old 01-02-2016, 11:43 AM
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Re: Survivors of multiple affairs here? Advice or 2x4 welcome

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@JohnA paged me here apparently so I will offer whatever input that I can.

-----------snip for brevity------------------------


And this is the hardest for me to say, because I get it, but let him walk away. He has expressed what he needs in order to heal. If you truly love him, you'll give him WHATEVER he needs in order to heal. That was the only thing that made me able to proceed with buying my own house. When you truly love someone, you want them to love you back. But sometimes the best thing to do is let them go.
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A wonderful post.


As you consider the polygraph step, look at


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post #26 of 28 (permalink) Old 01-17-2016, 09:49 PM
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If I ever catch my W making contact with any former OM, her world will be destroyed. And she knows this clearly!
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post #27 of 28 (permalink) Old 01-17-2016, 10:09 PM
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Re: Survivors of multiple affairs here? Advice or 2x4 welcome

From what you've posted he's not angry which is a bad sign. He doesn't believe he can ever trust again which is the most destructive thing in a marriage.

Is reconciliation possible over this much time and instances? Chances are not good, if I were him I'd be thinking why waste more of my time and life on this?

While not impossible probably not practicable.

You need to start thinking in terms of him and not yourself. If not for this marriage but maybe for your next if this ends.

Try and put yourself in his shoes for a change with the following article.

Things that every wayward spouse needs to know - LoveShack.org Community Forums

Read "His Needs, Her Needs" maybe try and get him to read it with you if he's interested. Probably the best written on marriage.

An MC or IC isn't going to fix this YOU have to.
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post #28 of 28 (permalink) Old 01-24-2016, 08:00 AM
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Re: Survivors of multiple affairs here? Advice or 2x4 welcome

She's gone. Took all of one and a half pages to run her off, and we weren't even that mean to her.
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