Re: Survivors of multiple affairs here? Advice or 2x4 welcome
I would say let your husband go. You have done too much damage and too much injury to his self esteem and sense of masculinity. Even if the two of you were to somehow save the marriage, it would probably be only half a marriage at most, because there would be no trust and your BH would probably never open himself up to be truly intimate with you again. There are some things you can do for him to at least partly atone for what you did and get him to a point where he at least does not outright hate your guts for the rest of his life:
1) Write him a heartfelt letter, a long one, laying out the timeline of your affairs from the very beginning. Tell him everything you want him to know, don't hold anything back. Take FULL responsibility for your cheating and bad behavior, do not blame anything on him.
2) Be fair to him in the divorce. Ask for only the minimum of what you fairly and legally deserve as mother of his kids...but nothing more. Do not let your lawyer attack your husband or drag him through the dirt.
3) Disclose everything to your family and friends. Tell them the truth. Tell them your husband is divorcing you because you are a serial cheater, that he is a good man and did nothing to deserve it. Publicly take responsibility for the destruction of the marriage. Do not let your family berate him or blame him in any way. Stand up for him if they do.
4) Continue going to IC. Get to the root of your issues and find out why you have sh!t for boundaries and why you are lacking in self control and moral fiber. Let your BH see you working on yourself.
5) Be the best mom you can be to your kids. Make your husband know that the kids will be safe with you when the two of you split.
6) Refrain from being promiscuous during and after the divorce. Don't be a trailer park, cliche mom. Don't parade a succession of fvck-buddies through your home in front of your kids. Try to go a while without a man in your life if it is possible for you to do so. Show your husband the respect post-divorce that you should have been showing him in your marriage. Don't start dating before the ink is dry on the divorce petition. Have the decency to wait until after the divorce is final and legal to start your man-hunting.
7) Work diligently and gracefully with your BH to be good, cooperative co-parents. Show your children you respect your BH. Never talk bad about their father to them.
8) Try your best not to argue or fight with your BH during the divorce process, even if you are angry with him or even if your complaint is legitimate, because ultimately you are the one who brought about the split. Talk with him rationally and keep your cool.
9) Once he files for divorce and one of you moves out...you are on your own. Don't be calling him in the middle of the night to come pick you up because your car broke down, or to come over and fix your leaky faucet. His days as your private handyman/man-b!tch are over. He owes you none of these things. You squandered those privileges when you fired him as your husband and started sleeping with your OM.
10) Be honest and stop lying to him. When he asks a question, tell the truth.
If you can do these things, your BH may eventually come to trust you enough to want to be friends with you again one day in the far off future, but don't expect him to be a fan of yours right now. Don't build your hopes up thinking that if you do these things he will take you back. You are doing these things to be a better parent and a better person overall, and to atone somewhat for what you did. You were a lousy wife, but you could be the best ex-wife in the world if you work at it.