My story, looking for advice. - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-06-2016, 11:02 PM Thread Starter
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My story, looking for advice.

So, I will have been married for 25 years this April. My wife decided 2 years ago she no longer wanted to be married and moved out. I suspected it was another guy but she said it was that she felt unneeded and unwanted in the home. She said she left like the only thing we wanted her for was a paycheck.

The we is myself and 3 boys (16, 18 and 20) at the time of the separation. The 2 youngest lived at home still and I was not working, while I finished college. I admit that I was not as attentive as I should have been and I am sure we took her for granted. When she decided to move out it was a shock, I had no clue anything was wrong.

Fast forward 2 years, she filed for Divorce in June '15 and served me in September. We were about 1 week from the final court date and she sends me a text saying she wants to talk when she gets back into town (She travels for her job).

She says she does not want to get a divorce, she wants to come home. She has been living with the guy that I suspected in the beginning for about a year now, she said she realized that she was not over me when I started giving her some of her stuff back (Pictures, knickknacks, etc.) She said she had wanted to tell me a few times during the separation but was afraid that I would not want to get back together and she felt it was better to not say anything instead of risking getting hurt..

We have had issues during the 25 years that were never dealt with, just pushed aside. I told her, I was unsure if I wanted to get back together but I would wait until we went though counseling before I made a final decision about the divorce..

My main issue is why now, why after 2 years and should I even bother?

My fear is getting hurt again a few years down the road. I took the original separation real bad, lost weight, could not sleep and if not for having to care for my youngest I am not sure how the outcome would have been.

I obviously have feelings for her but I am not sure the risk of getting hurt is worth it to be honest.


Last edited by mal3; 01-06-2016 at 11:15 PM.
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post #2 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-06-2016, 11:08 PM
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Re: My story, looking for advice.

Curious where is she with this guy? Also is she going to tell you the truth of her leaving?
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post #3 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-06-2016, 11:11 PM
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Standard cheater script. Was in affair and her brain chemistry made life rosy in the new life. Then reality hit and she had to live through the drudgery of life - and guess what? Mr Prince Charming either turned out to be a toad or dumped her or she found out he was cheating on her. All of a sudden you don't look so awful.

How did the kids take this? Does anyone even want her back?
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post #4 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-06-2016, 11:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My story, looking for advice.

She moved out of his place when she came back from her work trip. she broke it off with him the same day. She has told me the reason for leaving was she felt unwanted and that a lot of it was the other guy talking in her ear.
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post #5 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-06-2016, 11:12 PM
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Re: My story, looking for advice.

Can you live with the fact she left you for another man and has been living with him? Is she still living with him?

What issues were in the marriage before?

Are you working and pulling your share now?

You need to put a list of pro's and cons together. You don't want to waste more time/life on this if the odds are way against success.
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post #6 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-06-2016, 11:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My story, looking for advice.

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Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
Standard cheater script. Was in affair and her brain chemistry made life rosy in the new life. Then reality hit and she had to live through the drudgery of life - and guess what? Mr Prince Charming either turned out to be a toad or dumped her or she found out he was cheating on her. All of a sudden you don't look so awful.

How did the kids take this? Does anyone even want her back?
They did not like her when this happened since they saw what it did to me. They have slowly accepted her back into their lives now. They are 18, 20 and 23 now.

As far as the other guy, she broke it off with him after I said I would go to consoling before making a final decision about the divorce.
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post #7 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-06-2016, 11:15 PM
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I wouldn't personally take her back unless she changed and frankly groveled and begged for forgiveness. What would prevent her from running out again? IDK sounds like you're plan b. Can you live with that, and if so, why?
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post #8 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-06-2016, 11:18 PM
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The kids need to talk to a counselor at a minimum. They can't have a walk away mom wander back into their lives and be expected to accept it. What are they learning? It's ok to be a doormat? Women are feckless or worse?

You all need counseling before making any decision to stay OR divorce.
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post #9 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-06-2016, 11:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My story, looking for advice.

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Can you live with the fact she left you for another man and has been living with him? Is she still living with him?

What issues were in the marriage before?

Are you working and pulling your share now?

You need to put a list of pro's and cons together. You don't want to waste more time/life on this if the odds are way against success.
She cheated on me early in the marriage, and again about 10 years in. The last 10 years have been good, or so it seemed.

I have worked at my current job for the past 2 years and have my own place, I have taken care of the youngest kid for the whole 2 years with minimal support from her.
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post #10 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-06-2016, 11:20 PM
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Re: My story, looking for advice.

Have you set down and asked her got the full truth since you suspected this guy from the start?

If she can't give you that it's a huge problem having to live with a lie.

She needs to know that.

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post #11 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-06-2016, 11:22 PM
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Re: My story, looking for advice.

Hmmmmm serial cheaters never get better. So in all there have been three other men?
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post #12 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-07-2016, 12:47 PM
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Re: My story, looking for advice.

Live apart; do counseling together

If she doesn't seem 100% all in....don't bother. You will know if she's all in by what she's doing and not what she's saying.
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post #13 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-08-2016, 09:41 AM
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Re: My story, looking for advice.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mal3 View Post
So, I will have been married for 25 years this April. My wife decided 2 years ago she no longer wanted to be married and moved out. I suspected it was another guy but she said it was that she felt unneeded and unwanted in the home. She said she left like the only thing we wanted her for was a paycheck.

The we is myself and 3 boys (16, 18 and 20) at the time of the separation. The 2 youngest lived at home still and I was not working, while I finished college. I admit that I was not as attentive as I should have been and I am sure we took her for granted. When she decided to move out it was a shock, I had no clue anything was wrong.

Fast forward 2 years, she filed for Divorce in June '15 and served me in September. We were about 1 week from the final court date and she sends me a text saying she wants to talk when she gets back into town (She travels for her job).

She says she does not want to get a divorce, she wants to come home. She has been living with the guy that I suspected in the beginning for about a year now, she said she realized that she was not over me when I started giving her some of her stuff back (Pictures, knickknacks, etc.) She said she had wanted to tell me a few times during the separation but was afraid that I would not want to get back together and she felt it was better to not say anything instead of risking getting hurt..

We have had issues during the 25 years that were never dealt with, just pushed aside. I told her, I was unsure if I wanted to get back together but I would wait until we went though counseling before I made a final decision about the divorce..

My main issue is why now, why after 2 years and should I even bother?

My fear is getting hurt again a few years down the road. I took the original separation real bad, lost weight, could not sleep and if not for having to care for my youngest I am not sure how the outcome would have been.

I obviously have feelings for her but I am not sure the risk of getting hurt is worth it to be honest.
Unless the core issues relating to why you got separated/divorced in the first place are resolved, getting back together is probably not a good idea. Think of the reasons why you were separated to begin with. The core reasons, not the superficial ones.

For example, for me, after a 1 year separation from my husband he wanted to move in with me. My gut and heart and mind and everything told me I would get hurt again (and so would he) but, because of my daughter and fear of an unknown future and many other reasons, I accepted him back. I thought the core issue was our living situation (we used to live with my in laws and he refused to move out!)...and that core issue was resolved (I got my own place and he moved in with me). Well...fast forward 3 months into our "reconciliation" phase and I realized the core issue was only our living situation, but more his extreme dependance on his biological family. A codependance I could not live with. He had physically moved away from his biological family but his codependant behaviour continued and always will.

Sit down with a warm cup of tea (or coffee or whatever), in a quiet cozy room, with a note pad and pen. List down all the reasons you separated to begin with. Then think deeply about what the CORE reasons are...and have those been resolved? If they haven't, are you both willing to attend marital counselling and resolve them? It will be a painful process, but are you willing and wanting to go through it to get your marriage back on track? Will you be patient through the process?

As I read somewhere on this board this morning...good marriages are made by two people working together, they don't just happen.
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post #14 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-08-2016, 11:47 PM
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Re: My story, looking for advice.

It's not uncommon for cheaters who have tried out someone new for a couple of years to want to come home. The affair chemicals have worn off by then. The unicorns and rainbows are gone. They want to return to the old, comfortable, familiar life they left when excitement beckoned. Return to the Plan B they had in the back of their mind all along just in case things didn't work out.

She is a serial cheater which makes things more complicated than someone who cheated once. Serial cheaters usually don't change. They're excitement addicts. When she's bored again she'll be tempted to resolve that the same way she has several times in the past. The odds of you getting hurt again are high.

What are your reasons for considering this? And how would your sons feel?
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post #15 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-09-2016, 12:12 AM
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Re: My story, looking for advice.

My first thought is your still rug sweeping the affair(S).

I try keep my posts from being too negative, but this one is NEGATIVE. Bail out now or read on at your own risk. I'm gonna be blunt and direct.

Your xw has been having wild freaky sex doing things she would never do with you, with someone else.

She cheated on you multiple times. By forgiving her, and allowing her to come back, just gives her permission to keep looking for the next c@ck to ride.

You can forgive someone for your own mental health, not dwell on it for the sake of the kids, but you DON'T need to set yourself up, bend over & grab your ankles so that person can kick you in the b@lls again!!

If she has such little respect for you, will she be giving the play by play commentary when you are intimate. POS A stroked me better than you, and POS B pulled my hair, (which I liked), and you don't.

I am not knocking you. YOU could be the worlds most loving, caring, most positive husband, your xw is messed up, and is not a reflection of you.

I betcha if you go into counseling, it will be YOUR fault for her cheating. Why you literally forced her to yank down her panties for the POSOM"S.

You have 2 years of separation where your heart has started to heal. Don't tear off the scabs.

I am usually pro marriage, but your posts really touched a nerve in me.

rant over

addition - The reason I am being blunt is this, if you get back together, at some point, something will be said or done, and the veil will be lifted from your eyes. Your SO will say or do something that will trigger you, and the years of hurt will cascade down on you in a wave like you have NEVER experienced. Don't rug sweep, the resentment will only build within you.

Last edited by FrazzledSadHusband; 01-09-2016 at 12:45 AM. Reason: additional thoughts
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