My first thread: Is this really over???
My wife told me that she needs space to find herself. She wants us to separate (not legally yet.) She has never lived on her own since we've been married. Marriage was very difficult. I was an emotional abuser for the first years, coming from a family where there were no limits on how one should treat people. I went to therapy and learned a lot about how to control my temper, how to listen to my wife and I've also been diagnosed with adhd with impulsivity. Sex life has never been great. She told me she doesn't want to have sex because she desires me, but not all the time and she just doesn't feel she needs it right now.
My wife started counselling and says that she needs time on her own to create a base for her. She tells me that when things go bad in our marriage, she feels like the whole world is ending because she has not got herself a solid base. She also tells me that she needs time to know if she wants to continue the relation or not. She tells me that she likes to be around me but she needs to confirm her feelings for me. She acknowledges that I've changed, that I should continue my counseling and that she wishes the best for me in the long run. She says that she will always be there for me no matter what. She says that she doesn't want to hurt me anymore because it's not correct for me to live like walking on eggs all the time because she's been irritated because she hasn't been able to forgive me and herself for our actions in the past. She says she's tired and wants to rest. She doesn't want to be with anyone else and if that happens, she will tell me for sure. Yet, she speaks like we're never going to get back together, or at least, she's not optimist like I am.
I said we are now at that point in the relationship that we both need time apart to figure out what happened, to focus on being better persons and that this will make us be happy in the long run, being together or not. Of course, I wish I could get back with my wife because I really love her.
She has been showing me studios she's been visiting and almost wanted me to go visit them with her. I told her that she should go alone and choose the one she wishes, I don't want to intervene on this because she's been telling me for a long time that I always tell her what to do. I don't want to have a major influence on her decision where she will spend the next couple months. One thing that makes me sad is that most lease agreements are for 12 months and she seems to be OK with this....
She always hugs me a lot, saying she's sorry, she tries to kiss me but I do not let her do this because it's not cool with me. It will hurt me even more. She's crying and I'm not sure how to answer? Be there or be distant and she will think I don't care about her anymore!
I was thinking of doing the 180? What do you guys recommend me? Should I be like all helping her move out and stuff. She will most probably leave by the end of January because most leases start on february 1st. I guess showing confidence and seeing like I care for her and make her wish easier might be good in the long run...she might have a positive last experience with me.
Thank you for your help.