how to win my wife's heart back? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 26 (permalink) Old 01-10-2016, 08:13 AM Thread Starter
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how to win my wife's heart back?

Hi there,

My first thread: Is this really over???

My wife told me that she needs space to find herself. She wants us to separate (not legally yet.) She has never lived on her own since we've been married. Marriage was very difficult. I was an emotional abuser for the first years, coming from a family where there were no limits on how one should treat people. I went to therapy and learned a lot about how to control my temper, how to listen to my wife and I've also been diagnosed with adhd with impulsivity. Sex life has never been great. She told me she doesn't want to have sex because she desires me, but not all the time and she just doesn't feel she needs it right now.

My wife started counselling and says that she needs time on her own to create a base for her. She tells me that when things go bad in our marriage, she feels like the whole world is ending because she has not got herself a solid base. She also tells me that she needs time to know if she wants to continue the relation or not. She tells me that she likes to be around me but she needs to confirm her feelings for me. She acknowledges that I've changed, that I should continue my counseling and that she wishes the best for me in the long run. She says that she will always be there for me no matter what. She says that she doesn't want to hurt me anymore because it's not correct for me to live like walking on eggs all the time because she's been irritated because she hasn't been able to forgive me and herself for our actions in the past. She says she's tired and wants to rest. She doesn't want to be with anyone else and if that happens, she will tell me for sure. Yet, she speaks like we're never going to get back together, or at least, she's not optimist like I am.

I said we are now at that point in the relationship that we both need time apart to figure out what happened, to focus on being better persons and that this will make us be happy in the long run, being together or not. Of course, I wish I could get back with my wife because I really love her.

She has been showing me studios she's been visiting and almost wanted me to go visit them with her. I told her that she should go alone and choose the one she wishes, I don't want to intervene on this because she's been telling me for a long time that I always tell her what to do. I don't want to have a major influence on her decision where she will spend the next couple months. One thing that makes me sad is that most lease agreements are for 12 months and she seems to be OK with this....

She always hugs me a lot, saying she's sorry, she tries to kiss me but I do not let her do this because it's not cool with me. It will hurt me even more. She's crying and I'm not sure how to answer? Be there or be distant and she will think I don't care about her anymore!

I was thinking of doing the 180? What do you guys recommend me? Should I be like all helping her move out and stuff. She will most probably leave by the end of January because most leases start on february 1st. I guess showing confidence and seeing like I care for her and make her wish easier might be good in the long run...she might have a positive last experience with me.

Thank you for your help.


Last edited by sadashell; 01-10-2016 at 08:39 AM.
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post #2 of 26 (permalink) Old 01-10-2016, 08:52 AM
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Re: how to win my wife's heart back?

If she wants to separate you can't stop her.

Separation usually means divorce as there is no connection or working on the marriage, etc.

If you're smart do the 180, being needy, clingy, crying will show her you are weak which is very unnattractive. She wants space give it to her.

I'm assuming you have rules? No dating others, etc?

Do not help her in any way she wants space give it to her.

I'd have a a time line of say 6 months and then file for divorce since she probably isn't coming back. Or up front if she's never coming back anyway just say when you move out lets just end it. File then. It's up you if you want to waste time/ life on this.
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post #3 of 26 (permalink) Old 01-10-2016, 08:56 AM Thread Starter
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Re: how to win my wife's heart back?

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If she wants to separate you can't stop her.

Separation usually means divorce as there is no connection or working on the marriage, etc.

If you're smart do the 180, being needy, clingy, crying will show her you are weak which is very unnattractive. She wants space give it to her.

I'm assuming you have rules? No dating others, etc?

Do not help her in any way she wants space give it to her.

I'd have a a time line of say 6 months and then file for divorce since she probably isn't coming back. Or up front if she's never coming back anyway just say when you move out lets just end it. File then. It's up you if you want to waste time/ life on this.
I don't understand why you say she is not coming back. Anyways, we have to be 1 year living apart before we can file for divorce here. She told me she needs time on her own to think, but she'll mainly focus on herself and then see what her heart tells her. 2 minutes ago, she hugged me and started crying. It's not the behavior of someone who doesn't want to be with someone. Here when we use the word separation, it means taking a break apart.

I understand your point of view where separation does not imply work on the marriage, but it might be work on ourselves which may lead to a better marriage. I know people here (where I live) aren't really christians or religious, but a lot of couple separate and then come back together months later and are happy. They usually slow things down and start appreciate small moments (dates etc.) with the other person and build a new relationship.
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post #4 of 26 (permalink) Old 01-10-2016, 08:59 AM
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Re: how to win my wife's heart back?

Have you read this?

Reconciliation with a Hardened Wife
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One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #5 of 26 (permalink) Old 01-10-2016, 09:11 AM
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Re: how to win my wife's heart back?

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I don't understand why you say she is not coming back. Anyways, we have to be 1 year living apart before we can file for divorce here. She told me she needs time on her own to think, but she'll mainly focus on herself and then see what her heart tells her. 2 minutes ago, she hugged me and started crying. It's not the behavior of someone who doesn't want to be with someone. Here when we use the word separation, it means taking a break apart.

I understand your point of view where separation does not imply work on the marriage, but it might be work on ourselves which may lead to a better marriage. I know people here (where I live) aren't really christians or religious, but a lot of couple separate and then come back together months later and are happy. They usually slow things down and start appreciate small moments (dates etc.) with the other person and build a new relationship.
Not from what I've seen. Separation most often is to make time for someone else ( check your phone bills) or a bridge to divorce because they just can't seem to do it up front cold turkey and need to keep a plan B in place.

Hey, I hope it works out for you. But you are here for a reason. You are seeking opinions/answers.
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post #6 of 26 (permalink) Old 01-10-2016, 09:30 AM
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Re: how to win my wife's heart back?

Just looked at your other thread. Sounds like a mail order bride that used you to get her ticket here. Now that she got what she wanted you're being dumped.

IMO file now and don't waste yor time/life on this foolishness.
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post #7 of 26 (permalink) Old 01-10-2016, 12:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: how to win my wife's heart back?

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Just looked at your other thread. Sounds like a mail order bride that used you to get her ticket here. Now that she got what she wanted you're being dumped.

IMO file now and don't waste yor time/life on this foolishness.
what makes you think so?
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post #8 of 26 (permalink) Old 01-10-2016, 12:56 PM
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Re: how to win my wife's heart back?

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what makes you think so?
Reread your threads pretend it's not you. What conclusion would you draw?
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post #9 of 26 (permalink) Old 01-10-2016, 01:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: how to win my wife's heart back?

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Reread your threads pretend it's not you. What conclusion would you draw?
Well, that's not the case...she had a pretty good life in her own country. She did even more money than here.
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post #10 of 26 (permalink) Old 01-10-2016, 01:47 PM
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Re: how to win my wife's heart back?

Ignore the signs if you wish but time will tell. It always does.

Usually there is another OM in the mix or soon will be. Read some other threads yours is not so unique.

Sorry you're here.

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post #11 of 26 (permalink) Old 01-11-2016, 02:29 AM
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Re: how to win my wife's heart back?

I see from your first post that she first wanted to leave a while back, how have you been working on your marriage since then?

Have you tried marriage counselling? That can be helpful for both to find out what you really want and to help heal even if the marriage doesn't work out. In my marriage it is helping a lot, and it helped my husband decide to stay and work on it rather than leave to be on his own.
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post #12 of 26 (permalink) Old 01-11-2016, 07:44 AM
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Re: how to win my wife's heart back?

OP, Marc is just being honest with you. Separation is typically the prelude to divorce. I don't know about another man, or some one else lurking on the sidelines and won't even begin to speculate on that. Your wife is telling you she is leaving, you are taking hope that the separation means eventually reconciliation, since it is isn't divorce. But as Marc mentioned it is typically the first step.

I didn't read your first thread, but given the abundance of opportunities that the world presents to each of us, if in fact your wife is a mail order bride, I would say that this speaks volumes of your lack of self confidence.

You need to do the 180 but NOT FOR HER or to get her back. Instead you should do it for you. Do not look at the 180 as turning from her 180 degrees or as turning from your marriage 180 degrees. Rather look at as turning from your present self 180 degrees. Where you are today is the sum result of every decision you have ever made. You are not happy. Your marriage is falling apart and you are grasping for something to hang onto (hence your rejection of Marc's advice). It is the person you are today that is making you unhappy, forcing your wife away (although it is probably an illusion she was ever really "yours" to begin with) and leaving you reeling. Seize this opportunity to become a better version of your self. Focus on you for you. Become rationally selfish for the first time in your life.

You only live one life. Don't waste it!

At the center of every moMEnt of my life is ME!
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post #13 of 26 (permalink) Old 01-11-2016, 08:02 AM
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Re: how to win my wife's heart back?

"Change" is the biggest predicating factor that I can think of! Not only a change in personal temperament, but in physical change as well!

But that must be done in the confines with embracing "the 180!"

Go to the gym, work out, jog, run, lose weight if you need to ~ but let her occasionally see the results of your labor! Also let her be a witness to your change in emotional demeanor!

If she still largely remains unimpressed by these newfound changes, then don't worry ~ some other deserving woman will!

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post #14 of 26 (permalink) Old 01-11-2016, 12:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: how to win my wife's heart back?

I don't understand why you all think my wife is a mail order bride? I didn't pay for her to come here. I met her in her own country, we had a relationship there. She was a professionnal with a good job. She didn't need to come to Canada to be saved from poverty.

She told me yesterday that she still feels something for me but she needs time to heal what happened in the past. She told me she won't be seeing anybody and will remain faithfull. She asked me to wait for her to contact me first.
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post #15 of 26 (permalink) Old 01-11-2016, 01:06 PM
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Oh crap. I knew I could be an a$$ but didn't realize I could be that big of one. I've read stuff like this 50 times. I'd bet almost word for word. Why does it take catastrophic failure before the light bulb goes on??
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