We had our first marriage counseling session yesterday. - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-27-2016, 12:10 PM Thread Starter
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We had our first marriage counseling session yesterday.

Long story short my husband asked for a separation a month ago, we moved out of our place on the 15th and we turned cleaned our apartment and turned in the keys on the 19th.

I've acknowledged my failings (booze and arguments) and have taken steps to improve myself, and am going to individual counseling to learn how to forgive him for some of the hurt he's caused me and to get past some trauma that I've had. (Being raped, verbal, emotional, and physical abuse from my mom, emotional abuse and abandonment from former relationships, trust issues, cheating)

My husband is my one true love, and I do not want to lose him. He asked for the separation, but he did agree after we had a talk that we would try to work on the marriage. I scheduled our marriage counseling appointment about 2 1/2 weeks ago for yesterday, I told him when I saw him on Tuesday that I wasn't going to force him to come, but would appreciate it if he could make it. Much to my surprise he showed up, and he actually talked to the counselor and opened up a lot which made me hopeful that maybe this could be good for us and I went to the appointment with the mentality that we could make it through this.

But once the counselor turned to him and asked him, "So do you think after everything you've heard today that you still feel that you would be willing to continue counseling and would be committed to working on the relationship?" His response was, "I don't know, nothing has really changed."

Everyone says to give him space, and I am. I'm not begging him, I'm not calling or texting him all the time, and I really only try to talk to him if either he asks me to or he will ask me to text him after I go to my job interviews to see how everything goes. But the counselor even told him that it's perfectly fine to work on ourselves and make ourselves happy, but that we should also try to work on our relationship at the same time otherwise there is the risk that we might drift apart, which is exactly what I'm afraid of.

I don't want to overwhelm him and push him even further away, but I don't want to give him so much space that he moves on and forgets all about me. I think the marriage counseling will help us address some of the resentment we have and allow us to learn how to better communicate with each other, and I want to continue it. But I'm not sure how to ask him to go to another session, or how to even keep in contact with him in a positive way to show him that I'm making changes. He said his biggest fear is that if things do work out that things will just go back to us fighting and being miserable.

I'm so confused because I know this will work out if we both commit to it because we both still love each other, and I know I can get him to see the woman that he fell in love with if he lets me. But I have no clue how to get him to that point and how I should address this whole situation to make it comfortable for him, but also move things forward so that we can fix our marriage.

I don't know how to be happy while my marriage is in pieces and the love of my life just wants to be out of the picture. I want this reconciliation so much.

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post #2 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-27-2016, 12:47 PM
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Re: We had our first marriage counseling session yesterday.

Gently . . .

This sounds kind of controlling. I understand that you want him, but he needs to want you, too. It does not seem like he does.

I think you should let him go. Focus on improving yourself and just move on. If he is interested, he will seek you out.

I think M/F relationships work better when the man pursues the woman. Otherwise the woman carries a lot of the weight of the relationship on her shoulders. Jmo.
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One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #3 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-27-2016, 12:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: We had our first marriage counseling session yesterday.

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Gently . . .

This sounds kind of controlling. I understand that you want him, but he needs to want you, too. It does not seem like he does.

I think you should let him go. Focus on improving yourself and just move on. If he is interested, he will seek you out.

I think M/F relationships work better when the man pursues the woman. Otherwise the woman carries a lot of the weight of the relationship on her shoulders. Jmo.
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We both still love each other very much, and he says he still cares about me a lot, he just isn't 'in' love with me anymore.

I don't want to control him, if he does come back I want him to come back because it's what he wants. But I also want to show him that we can be happy together again, and that this marriage is worth saving.

I just don't know if I can let go. He's all I think about all the time. I've tried to be happy, I've tried to go out with my friends, and I've had guys come up to me and talk to me, and ultimately, he's the only thing I can think about. I'm still madly in love with him.
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post #4 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-27-2016, 01:02 PM
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Re: We had our first marriage counseling session yesterday.

Generally, marriage couseling never works and this is just another example of that. It's really more less a way for therapists to make money. I would suggest that you end the counseling immediately and talk amongst yourselves about way to make things better.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #5 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-27-2016, 01:09 PM
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Re: We had our first marriage counseling session yesterday.

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Originally Posted by beatricecat View Post
We both still love each other very much, and he says he still cares about me a lot, he just isn't 'in' love with me anymore.

I don't want to control him, if he does come back I want him to come back because it's what he wants. But I also want to show him that we can be happy together again, and that this marriage is worth saving.

I just don't know if I can let go. He's all I think about all the time. I've tried to be happy, I've tried to go out with my friends, and I've had guys come up to me and talk to me, and ultimately, he's the only thing I can think about. I'm still madly in love with him.
I think most of us have felt that way about a man at some time or another, sweetheart. It is extremely painful to let go.

But after we have, or have had to, we see that we can survive, and even find ourselves in a much healthier relationship, where we are not carrying all the load. It's heavy, isn't it, hon?

Again, gently . . . If he loved you, truly loved you, he would not leave you. He would be fighting for you. He would be seeking to understand and support you, not in a needy way, but in a truly rock solid, loving, mature and givng way. He would be committed.
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post #6 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-27-2016, 01:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: We had our first marriage counseling session yesterday.

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Generally, marriage couseling never works and this is just another example of that. It's really more less a way for therapists to make money. I would suggest that you end the counseling immediately and talk amongst yourselves about way to make things better.
I'm just afraid that if we don't have some help through the process that he won't really communicate with me, and that we won't know how to fix some of the things we have issues with.
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post #7 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-27-2016, 01:16 PM
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Re: We had our first marriage counseling session yesterday.

That was a real witches brew of issues you said you had.

Some of them are fairly common problems every marriage might deal with and childhood abuse and rape can cause marital strife from unhealed trauma. Did your H know about your abuse and rape?

Lastly. Cheating?
That is in a classification all by itself.
If you have the time, please give us more of a timeline of events, your ages, length of relationship and marriage.

Fill in the blanks. Did your H want to separate after the cheating?

How was the infidelity dealt with?

Off hand, I would say let this marriage go for now and work on yourself but more information might alter my view.
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post #8 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-27-2016, 01:17 PM
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Re: We had our first marriage counseling session yesterday.

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I'm just afraid that if we don't have some help through the process that he won't really communicate with me, and that we won't know how to fix some of the things we have issues with.
What mkes you think he will if a counselor were present. If he isn't going to listen or doesn't what to get back together, the result will be the same.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #9 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-27-2016, 01:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: We had our first marriage counseling session yesterday.

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I think most of us have felt that way about a man at some time or another, sweetheart. It is extremely painful to let go.

But after we have, or have had to, we see that we can survive, and even find ourselves in a much healthier relationship, where we are not carrying all the load. It's heavy, isn't it, hon?

Again, gently . . . If he loved you, truly loved you, he would not leave you. He would be fighting for you. He would be seeking to understand and support you, not in a needy way, but in a truly rock solid, loving, mature and givng way. He would be committed.
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I've had to let go of relationships in the past, and I've survived, but for this one it's far different. I poured my heart and soul into our marriage, and we've made it through absolute hell before. I know we can make it through this. In my heart, I know that he is it for me.

Leaving me was so hard for him, to the point where he almost committed suicide. I can't give up on our love and live the rest of my life regretting that I never tried and wondering where he is, if he still thinks of me, if he still loves me.

It would be easier for me to move on knowing that we at least tried to work on our marriage.
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post #10 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-27-2016, 01:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: We had our first marriage counseling session yesterday.

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Originally Posted by ConanHub View Post
That was a real witches brew of issues you said you had.

Some of them are fairly common problems every marriage might deal with and childhood abuse and rape can cause marital strife from unhealed trauma. Did your H know about your abuse and rape?

Lastly. Cheating?
That is in a classification all by itself.
If you have the time, please give us more of a timeline of events, your ages, length of relationship and marriage.

Fill in the blanks. Did your H want to separate after the cheating?

How was the infidelity dealt with?

Off hand, I would say let this marriage go for now and work on yourself but more information might alter my view.
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One of the first things I did when we initially were dating was let him know about everything that happened to me, and he was sweeter to me about it than any other man had ever been.

I'm 25, he's 31 and we've been married for just a few months over 3 years now. There was no cheating on his part, it's more the cheating that took place in prior relationships made me have some trust issues. My husband though has never cheated on me emotionally or physically.

The issues started for me about 2 years ago when he pretty much said, "You used to be hot." It cut really deep into me and brought up a lot of past trauma for me because I was afraid he would turn into the *******s that I used to date. I've since forgiven him for it recently and he said for him that he saw the issues starting for him about a year ago due to the hurt and insecurities I had causing us to have arguments. So he stopped hanging out with his friends

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post #11 of 11 (permalink) Old 01-27-2016, 03:01 PM
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Re: We had our first marriage counseling session yesterday.

Your post really struck a lot of chords with me as I was (am?) going through something very similar the last few months. My H and I didn't physically separate, although he would have left if he could've afforded it.

One day, seemingly out of nowhere, he told me he didn't feel the same and was so miserable he wanted to leave. We went through cycles of fighting and making up throughout our entire relationship, but I never realized how bad it was. Reflecting back now I realize I treated him very poorly, something he never once told me I was doing, and it took some major reflection on my part after he dropped the divorce bomb to realize.

We started counseling and the therapist asked him to agree to 4 sessions. Maybe your H will agree to something with a possible end date?

We're about 8 sessions in now with no talk of stopping. Therapy really has been great for us... I know other people have not had such great experiences so I can see where the negativity comes from. I honestly don't think it can hurt to try. But your H does have to be willing.

At the beginning I did a lot of begging and pleading for him to change his mind. One day it clicked that this wasn't working. I started focusing on myself. I started treating him better, but not being overly needy (I did slip up sometimes). I started fulfilling my own needs and working on making myself happy as I knew he couldn't give me anything with the way he was feeling. I accepted when he told me all of the negative things I didn't want to hear and had faith that one day he wouldn't feel that way anymore.

We are in such a better place now. Now there is no longer talk of divorce, only of continuing therapy and continuing to improve our relationship. We're finally working on all of the issues we should've been working on from the very beginning.

I'm not saying that this will happen for everyone in this situation. I guess I'm just writing this to say it's ok that you want to repair your marriage. It's ok for you to keep the faith. And it might be possible for you to accomplish your goal, as I have accomplished mine. I wanted to give you a little positivity!

I do agree with others saying you need to work on improving yourself, but I don't think that means you have to give up on improving your marriage too. I guess maybe you just need a change of perspective. Realize that everything you do to improve yourself will only help improve your marriage. And if in the end the marriage doesn't work, you'll be a happier person and a better mate when you're ready for someone in the future.

The fact that you're physically separated is a hurdle you'll have to jump. And I don't really have any great advice for that. You mentioned in your other post he agreed to going on dates in the future. Is that still on the table? I wonder if dating combined with therapy might be enough space to let him think but still enough contact to let him see your progress?
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