We had our first marriage counseling session yesterday.
Long story short my husband asked for a separation a month ago, we moved out of our place on the 15th and we turned cleaned our apartment and turned in the keys on the 19th.
I've acknowledged my failings (booze and arguments) and have taken steps to improve myself, and am going to individual counseling to learn how to forgive him for some of the hurt he's caused me and to get past some trauma that I've had. (Being raped, verbal, emotional, and physical abuse from my mom, emotional abuse and abandonment from former relationships, trust issues, cheating)
My husband is my one true love, and I do not want to lose him. He asked for the separation, but he did agree after we had a talk that we would try to work on the marriage. I scheduled our marriage counseling appointment about 2 1/2 weeks ago for yesterday, I told him when I saw him on Tuesday that I wasn't going to force him to come, but would appreciate it if he could make it. Much to my surprise he showed up, and he actually talked to the counselor and opened up a lot which made me hopeful that maybe this could be good for us and I went to the appointment with the mentality that we could make it through this.
But once the counselor turned to him and asked him, "So do you think after everything you've heard today that you still feel that you would be willing to continue counseling and would be committed to working on the relationship?" His response was, "I don't know, nothing has really changed."
Everyone says to give him space, and I am. I'm not begging him, I'm not calling or texting him all the time, and I really only try to talk to him if either he asks me to or he will ask me to text him after I go to my job interviews to see how everything goes. But the counselor even told him that it's perfectly fine to work on ourselves and make ourselves happy, but that we should also try to work on our relationship at the same time otherwise there is the risk that we might drift apart, which is exactly what I'm afraid of.
I don't want to overwhelm him and push him even further away, but I don't want to give him so much space that he moves on and forgets all about me. I think the marriage counseling will help us address some of the resentment we have and allow us to learn how to better communicate with each other, and I want to continue it. But I'm not sure how to ask him to go to another session, or how to even keep in contact with him in a positive way to show him that I'm making changes. He said his biggest fear is that if things do work out that things will just go back to us fighting and being miserable.
I'm so confused because I know this will work out if we both commit to it because we both still love each other, and I know I can get him to see the woman that he fell in love with if he lets me. But I have no clue how to get him to that point and how I should address this whole situation to make it comfortable for him, but also move things forward so that we can fix our marriage.
I don't know how to be happy while my marriage is in pieces and the love of my life just wants to be out of the picture. I want this reconciliation so much.