Think this marriage will last? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-28-2016, 02:18 PM Thread Starter
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Think this marriage will last?

Hi,

I will be happy to hear from your experiences (I know nobody can predict the future). This is about a good friend of mine.
A couple with 2 children 4 and 6 yrs old married 8 years and together 17 years. The husband (my friend) left his wife 2 weeks ago but returned home.
He told a friend that he somewhat still loves his wife. He said that she is a good person and that she has quality but he doesn't get along with her personality. They fight over major issues - don't see the same on things. He said that they aren't compatible.
He wanted to get out asap.
He has a female friend who has feelings for him and he knows it. He fought in the past with his wife coz of her and a year ago he did stop all communications with her. But, 4 days after leaving his wife he contacted her and they went out twice. Once on a date to the movies and they nearly had sex.
My friend even took his wife to a marriage mediator - he wanted to end things nicely and quickly - he doesn't want to drag it through court coz of the kids. Anyways, his wife said she will not give him a divorce and wants to go to counseling. He said he has no choice and went.
After therapy he said that he is moving back home coz otherwise what is the point to therapy.
He moved back in.

What are the odds of a successful marriage after this? It was probably the shortest separation in history
I told our friend that he will never leave and he did go back.

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post #2 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-28-2016, 02:40 PM
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Re: Think this marriage will last?

The H has been planning an exit affair. As long as OW is in the picture the counseling is useless. The W needs to expose her H to all and what he has done since coming up with a sad sack story of personality conflicts. The true conflict is the W is interrupting the H dating with OW.

Typical infidelity story going on here.

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post #3 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-28-2016, 02:44 PM
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Re: Think this marriage will last?

IMO, if counseling doesn't help them, another incident will eventually occur and he may leave again, perhaps for longer, but he may well return one or two more times. Eventually, though, the dissatisfaction will build and he will leave for good. There is a tipping point beyond which you not only can't recover - you don't want to.

He is wrong about not having a choice - he's just not clear enough (yet) to make the choice to leave.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #4 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-28-2016, 03:01 PM
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Re: Think this marriage will last?

It is probable that after two dates your friend and the female did not click or she did not want to continue to see him (they probably had sex and she did not want to continue). Then he went back to wife as his Plan B.
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post #5 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-28-2016, 03:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Think this marriage will last?

Thanks for the responses. They didn't have sex. They did have sexual contact but not sex. As far as I know besides that other female he has been faithful throughout the marriage. He even cut contact with the OW coz of the wife and only contacted OW once he decided to leave.
He is not a liar and doesn't do things on impulse so if he says that he has a difficult time with his wife's personality I believe him.
Do you think that he contacted OW a few days after leaving coz he missed the OW being around? I do think that for 3 years him and the OW were very good friends and probably had an emotional affair. I mean they even went to audition for the Amazing Race together. I would have killed my spouse if he did that. H didn't tell OW that W doesn't know about it.

Since going back home he has updated the OW about what is happening but they haven't had any real contact. Seems like OW is giving him space.

He says he had no choice going to therapy since he doesn't want to drag the kids through an ugly battle in court. I am curious if this marriage has a chance if he did after all go back and they are in therapy. Can therapy really help him accept his wife as she is?

I always thought that he was very happy in his marriage. I am personally shocked by H story.
If therapy doesn't help how long do you think he will stay with his wife? If he said he somewhat still loves her think he does love her? Another friend that asked him says that if he loved her he would have said yes and not somewhat. I think he loves her and is just confused.

What you think so far? Thanks
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post #6 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-28-2016, 03:39 PM
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Re: Think this marriage will last?

Quote:
Originally Posted by collie View Post
Thanks for the responses. They didn't have sex. They did have sexual contact but not sex. As far as I know besides that other female he has been faithful throughout the marriage. He even cut contact with the OW coz of the wife and only contacted OW once he decided to leave.
He is not a liar and doesn't do things on impulse so if he says that he has a difficult time with his wife's personality I believe him.
Do you think that he contacted OW a few days after leaving coz he missed the OW being around? I do think that for 3 years him and the OW were very good friends and probably had an emotional affair. I mean they even went to audition for the Amazing Race together. I would have killed my spouse if he did that. H didn't tell OW that W doesn't know about it.

Since going back home he has updated the OW about what is happening but they haven't had any real contact. Seems like OW is giving him space.

He says he had no choice going to therapy since he doesn't want to drag the kids through an ugly battle in court. I am curious if this marriage has a chance if he did after all go back and they are in therapy. Can therapy really help him accept his wife as she is?

I always thought that he was very happy in his marriage. I am personally shocked by H story.
If therapy doesn't help how long do you think he will stay with his wife? If he said he somewhat still loves her think he does love her? Another friend that asked him says that if he loved her he would have said yes and not somewhat. I think he loves her and is just confused.

What you think so far? Thanks

Dude, he is still in contact with OW. As long as there is contact the affair is still on. He is lying and has lied to his W. Sexual contact/EA=infidelity. The guy is full of crap. This separation is about the OW. Has zero to do with personality conflict. How is a marriage to work when one is off with another person planning an Amazing Race team.

The entire deal reeks of a cesspool. I feel for the W.

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post #7 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-28-2016, 03:46 PM
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Re: Think this marriage will last?

I would say that this marriage will not last long. It will remain just long enough for the wife to get her finances and plans together to divorce your "i did not have sexual relations with that woman" friend.
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post #8 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-28-2016, 03:57 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Think this marriage will last?

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Originally Posted by 225985 View Post
I would say that this marriage will not last long. It will remain just long enough for the wife to get her finances and plans together to divorce your "i did not have sexual relations with that woman" friend.
LOL - You made me laugh with the Bill Clinton's quote
My friend admitted to having sexual contact with OW but they didn't have sex. He would have told me if they did.

Why do you guys think that it has got something to do with the OW? For one year he had very minimal contact with her - we saw her sometimes during lunch -she works near us but they never really spoke. He did do as his wife asked. Only now they are in contact again but since he decided to go to therapy he has hardly spoken to OW. Although, from what I understand he won't cut off contact with OW on his own. He told us about the OW that besides all the teasing and joking around he likes her personality. He told her that she is great. But then again, he did stop speaking to her coz of his wife. So, I assume he doesn't really care about OW.
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post #9 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-28-2016, 03:58 PM
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Re: Think this marriage will last?

I'd be shocked if he hasn't already taken it PA with the OW. He can't be thinking clearly about his marriage when he is in an EA and that is exactly what it was and then went PA when they had "sexual contact". Since you are a third party you can't be 100% sure he is being honest with you, cheaters lie and he is a cheater. That said, he is probably going to stay with the W for the near future, he is clearly looking for an exit affair or an easy way out.
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post #10 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-28-2016, 04:10 PM
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Re: Think this marriage will last?

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Originally Posted by 3leafclover View Post
collie, your friend (the H) is a liar. He lied to you about having a choice in the matter. He absolutely does have a choice, and he is choosing his wife right now. He also was deceitful with his wife the entire time he was having a three-year emotional affair with you and hiding things like auditions for the Amazing Race from her. He is continuing to cheat on his wife by remaining in any contact with you, and I'm betting he still hasn't told her the truth about his relationship and sexual contact with you. He is continuing to lie to you about how invested he is in his wife in order to keep you on a string.

All of that does make him a liar and a man of poor character.

Stop wasting time with this man. You need to wash your hands of him, stop wasting your precious life, and go no contact with him. You also need to do some hard work on your own character and boundaries to make yourself worthy of a better kind of man...if you got this one right now, you would deserve each other. That's not a good thing, by the way.
I'm not the only one who thinks the OP is the OW I see.

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post #11 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-29-2016, 08:21 AM
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Re: Think this marriage will last?

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Originally Posted by kristin2349 View Post
I'm not the only one who thinks the OP is the OW I see.
I had my suspicions as well.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #12 of 17 (permalink) Old 01-29-2016, 08:31 AM
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Re: Think this marriage will last?

If he wanted to leave, he'd leave. Assuming he lives in the US, the court will dissolve a marriage against the wishes of one party and judges don't usually have a lot of tolerance for spouses refusing to cooperate.

This man left and then went back. He's there because he wants to be.

Do I give the marriage much chance of success? Not if they really are incompatible. Counseling doesn't fix base incompatibility.
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post #13 of 17 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 08:57 AM
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Re: Think this marriage will last?

My initial impression based on your original post is that your friend is a weasel and is probably exaggerating the problems with his wife to justify to himself having a relationship with the OW who has been in the wings for a long time.

He says he and his wife are not compatible but they obviously were at one time. He is thinking with his pecker that far away fields are green. Men like this should never be allowed to marry. He is justifying his despicable behaviour but wants to have his cake and eat it , all the hallmarks of a cheater.

The poor wife has no way of competing with that. His OW is always at her best not with two young kids to take care of. He is a cad of the highest order and I hope his wife dumps him, he doesn't deserve a wife nor family imo. If he put the same amount of effort into his marriage than panting after the OW and going on AR etc maybe his marriage would be fine. No W is a fool to not know that her WH affections lie elsewhere.

You should advise his wife to dump his ass or better still tell her to come on here and let us advise her.

If (based on peoples suspicions here) you are the OW, go get yourself your own man and stop destroying the lives of four people including two young kids, ah this makes me sick! He'd cheat on you in a heart beat too . If you are not the OW then my sincere apologies.

Last edited by aine; 07-04-2016 at 08:59 AM. Reason: add
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post #14 of 17 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 09:43 AM
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Re: Think this marriage will last?

Quote:
Originally Posted by collie View Post
I would have killed my spouse if he did that.
Are you male or female? If female, are you this other woman? That the only way you would know, with absolute certainty, how far the sexual contact went.
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post #15 of 17 (permalink) Old 07-04-2016, 10:13 AM
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Re: Think this marriage will last?

Are you kidding, this marriage is over already. He's there because he doesn't have the balls yet to get the divorce process going. Hopefully he wakes up and just leaves her and ends the misery. It sounds like a lousy marriage anyways, only existing because of the kids. Horrible idea. It takes just one person to divorce. Is he a no conflict person, letting the wife run the house?
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