OM facebook friends with my adult kids - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

User Tag List

 21Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 19 (permalink) Old 02-04-2016, 04:46 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 12
OM facebook friends with my adult kids

We are 1.5 years post DD. FWW has had no contact with OM.

Recovery is going OK, Fww is in IC for anxiety, past high school abusive relationships, family or origin issues. (father left home when she was young, mom re married great guy).

No contact since DD. Wife first deflected/denied, but with texts retrieved she confessed. We didn't expose expect to pastor and to counselors. Would probably do differently now. Since wife was going through and being transparent, Christian advice was along lines of Matthew 18...no further exposure.


May post full story some time. For now, the POSOM, who was a long-time coach of 2 of my kids in an individual sport, is still FB friends with them. He's blocked from my wife's FB and phone.

No activity for a year, but he posted small note on son's birthday, and has recently thrown a few likes toward my daughter.

This pisses me off, and I sent him a text for him to call me. No response.

My options...

1. call his wife and let her know what's going. She wasn't exposed. In some texts between OM and my wife he refers to her as being "snoopy", so she must have suspected something.

2. Explicitly tell OM (via text) to stay away from my kid's FB or else...He probably won't respond or accept a call.

3. Monitor and make sure nothing escalates.

This POSOM has lost his coaching job. My kid's don't communicate with him as he's not in their social circle.

My first post...thanks for all the good advice from posters here.

wizernow is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 19 (permalink) Old 02-04-2016, 05:30 AM
Member
 
Sun Catcher's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 168
Re: OM facebook friends with my adult kids

Wow, that is creepy. Wonder who initiated the friend request the ex-coach or the kids?

Anyway, I think I would send him another text or leave a voicemail telling him he has a choice:

1). Un-friend my kids from FB, or
2). I will expose what happened between you and my wife with your wife.

Just make sure he still has the same phone number. I presume your adult children know nothing of their mother's infidelity?

Best of luck.
Sun Catcher is offline  
post #3 of 19 (permalink) Old 02-04-2016, 05:47 AM
Member
 
ConanHub's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Abroad. Currently Arizona.
Posts: 7,581
Re: OM facebook friends with my adult kids

Expose. Your children need to know and the OMW certainly needs to know.

You did it wrong the first time around and need to remedy it.

Don't inform the OM, just expose him and protect your family and others.

I'm ordained and have dealt with infidelity more than a few times.

Expose.
Posted via Mobile Device
ConanHub is offline  
 
post #4 of 19 (permalink) Old 02-04-2016, 05:52 AM
Member
 
Chaparral's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 11,521
Re: OM facebook friends with my adult kids

The kids and his wife should have been told. Basically, you have joined their cheating conspiracy. Children should not be lied to by both their parents. Many posters hére have said how awful it was when it was found out later.

Why would you even think of keeping his wife ignorant of what she is married to?


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Chaparral is offline  
post #5 of 19 (permalink) Old 02-04-2016, 06:54 AM
Member
 
GusPolinski's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: TX, USA
Posts: 12,292
Re: OM facebook friends with my adult kids

#1 for sure. She deserves to know.
Posted via Mobile Device

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
GusPolinski is offline  
post #6 of 19 (permalink) Old 02-04-2016, 07:48 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Tampa area
Posts: 2,453
Re: OM facebook friends with my adult kids

Please provide background from how it started, how you discovered, if wife did not confess how she reacted, and how it was ended. Every detail is important please post in full.

Since you chose an option along with your pastor and wife you need to discuss with them what and how the response should be. I would lean very strongly towards exposure. I would also push for your wife to take the lead in confronting him. Ideally she, your pastor and yourself should confront in person to show a united front. This is the very bet option at this point, let me explain why.

First the purpose of exspouse is to destroy the affair and prevent the adulters from taking the affair underground, preventing friends with good values from weighing in, then seeking surpport from those friends in the future when they bring the relationship public after destroying the chacter of the BS and then divorceing. It should follow the guidelines from marriage builders Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums

How experienced is your pastor with dealing with adultery ? What is his training and philosophy: ie does he/she rugsweep? How was the descion made to not expose made? Did you discuss John's parable of the tax collector's reaction to the light? Perhaps not just greed drove him back into the dark, but fear also of standing in the light exposed all to see him.

Tell the pastor and your wife you need to see them without telling why until you meet. When all together in person focus on your wife's reaction when you share the info. You and the pastor need to see her intial reaction and suggestion. Yes this does have an element of a shyt test but is necessary. I stated earlier she needs to take the lead in dealing with posm with yours and the pastor's support. Please read up on heavy lifting, accepting responsibility, and of consequences. She needs to prove to herself and then you that she is a strong, capable adult, who can be trusted to handle adult relationships. If she does succeed it with strengthen her and your marriage.

Please take the time to share the history of their adultery. Without it the advise may cause more harm then good and leave you personal very vulnerable.

Take care and be strong

John

Last edited by JohnA; 02-04-2016 at 07:58 AM.
JohnA is offline  
post #7 of 19 (permalink) Old 02-04-2016, 08:08 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Tampa area
Posts: 2,453
Re: OM facebook friends with my adult kids

Please note i am aware some of these points you covered in your initial post. I am asking for more info about each point for more nuance of each point and more info of events surrounding each point. We need to expore her experience with the fog and how deep she was in it.
JohnA is offline  
post #8 of 19 (permalink) Old 02-04-2016, 11:31 AM
Member
 
soccermom2three's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: California
Posts: 2,870
Re: OM facebook friends with my adult kids

I can't imagine being a wife of cheating husband and knowing in my gut something is wrong but not being able to figure it out. It would be crazy making. You really need to tell the wife. Wouldn't you want to know?
soccermom2three is offline  
post #9 of 19 (permalink) Old 02-04-2016, 11:36 AM
Forum Supporter
 
MarriedDude's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: ORYGUN
Posts: 1,848
Re: OM facebook friends with my adult kids

Expose it to everyone NOW

Holes burn deep in your chest,
Raked by machine gun fire.
Screaming soul sent out to die,
Living mandatory suicide.
MarriedDude is offline  
post #10 of 19 (permalink) Old 02-04-2016, 11:52 AM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 12
Re: OM facebook friends with my adult kids

Thanks for all replies. I'll post some more later today when I have time.

Daughter is getting married in 2.5 weeks, so i don't want to act before then. This isn't an emergency, imo. Guy pressed like on a few posts, and made a comment on one birthday.

The FB friendship status is leftover from when kid's were coached by OM. One was coached for 5 years, one about 2.

wizernow is offline  
post #11 of 19 (permalink) Old 02-04-2016, 12:03 PM
Member
 
GusPolinski's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: TX, USA
Posts: 12,292
Re: OM facebook friends with my adult kids

Quote:
Originally Posted by wizernow View Post
Thanks for all replies. I'll post some more later today when I have time.

Daughter is getting married in 2.5 weeks, so i don't want to act before then. This isn't an emergency, imo. Guy pressed like on a few posts, and made a comment on one birthday.

The FB friendship status is leftover from when kid's were coached by OM. One was coached for 5 years, one about 2.
If nothing else, make it clear to the MFer that his presence at your daughter's wedding would be very bad for him.
Posted via Mobile Device

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
GusPolinski is offline  
post #12 of 19 (permalink) Old 02-04-2016, 12:15 PM
Member
 
marduk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 7,490
Re: OM facebook friends with my adult kids

Creepshow.

I'd have the kids unfriend him and make a spectacularly big deal about it. With his wife, your wife, and probably post something on FB about the douche, too.
marduk is offline  
post #13 of 19 (permalink) Old 02-04-2016, 12:17 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 12
Re: OM facebook friends with my adult kids

Quote:
Originally Posted by intheory View Post
So, was your wife a "believing Christian" when she started having an affair ("committing adultery" in Bible-speak)?
yes. That doesn't make one immune from adultery...King David was a "man after God's own heart" yet he managed to royally screw up.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
If nothing else, make it clear to the MFer that his presence at your daughter's wedding would be very bad for him.
Posted via Mobile Device
Thanks, Gus. OM won't be anywhere near wedding. He's not in our social circle. Wife has maintained NC as best as I can tell. I have access to her email, FB, and checked phone/ipad for deleted messages recently (1 month) and nothing untoward.
wizernow is offline  
post #14 of 19 (permalink) Old 02-04-2016, 12:19 PM
Member
 
turnera's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 36,154
Re: OM facebook friends with my adult kids

So your kids don't know what their mom did?
turnera is offline  
post #15 of 19 (permalink) Old 02-04-2016, 01:00 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 943
Re: OM facebook friends with my adult kids

Wizernow,

Get to work!

Collect OMs Facebook, Linkedin, Work, Customers/client, Church, Family, Friends contacts.

Prepare an exposure letter.

Hit every single one of those contact with the exposure letter.

Do it without warnings or threats and keep at it until complete.

How far away does the OM live, it's always been kinda revolting to me that some percentage of coaches use their position of trust and responsibility to pick up women.

Tamat
TAMAT is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Picking up the pieces after OM, suicide threat RideofmyLife General Relationship Discussion 102 10-16-2016 03:17 PM
I hate our neighbors. H and I can't agree on how to handle them. kag123 General Relationship Discussion 26 05-03-2016 05:39 PM
Kids schedules, and dating parents knowfiguy Going Through Divorce or Separation 23 01-01-2016 04:39 PM
Is it Ok to treat kids differently in a family? erlingyiwu The Ladies' Lounge 18 12-07-2015 01:56 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome