Husband is Making Little Effort - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-10-2016, 11:37 AM Thread Starter
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Husband is Making Little Effort

Hey everyone! My husband and I are currently in the process of trying to reconcile with each other after some problems that arose last fall. I'll try to give you a short breakdown of what happened...
My husband and I have been married for 4 years and we had what I thought to be a great marriage. There wasn't a lot of arguing, we took a lot of small trips doing things we enjoyed, we got along well with each other's families, etc. I will say that we didn't always communicate our feelings well though. So communication has been an issue.

Last October my husband came home one night from being out with a few friends and basically told me that he thought had been drinking some (which is something he NEVER did), thought we were too different, he wasn't in love with me anymore, when I asked him if he wanted a divorce he shook his head "yes"...I ended up moving out of the house and in with my parents who live just a few minutes down the road. This all came as an absolute shock to me as I thought we had a great marriage. I was devastated! Over the next couple months my husband was generally cold to me and wouldn't really talk about anything. I ended up finding out that he had went out of town a couple of times with a female "friend", had been texting her like crazy, had an inappropriate Facebook message with her. and had went out to eat with her several times. I knew he had went out to eat with her a few times, but I naÔvely let it go on because I trusted him so much and he promised me that they were "just good friends." One of the out of town trips was a day trip to a baseball game and I know that my husbands nephew went as well. The other out of town trip was an overnight trip and he says that the OW's cousin went as well and that he did not stay in the same room as they did....

So a couple months passed and he started coming around to me again in the beginning of December. He basically said he was "coming clean" with everything (which he really didn't tell me anything I hadn't already found out). He said he didn't mean anything that he said about not being in love with me and that he couldn't imagine living life without me. He begged me to believe that he was "just friends" with the OW and the reason he had been so quiet the last couple months was because he couldn't bring himself to tell me all that he had done. He begged me to believe him that nothing physical had happened with the OW. It's hard to explain everything on here, but to make a long story short, I don't really believe that anything physical happened with the OW, but I do have strong feelings that an emotion affair was going on. Even though he would never admit it.
So basically the point that I am at right now is that I am willing to put myself back in the marriage with my husband, but I feel like he is doing very little to fix things. He will admit that what he did was wrong, but there's always a BUT. I don't think he really sees the severity of his actions and he want's to be defensive and make excuses for his actions... the OW is in a bad marriage, she is having health problems. she doesn't have many friends, she has a lot going on in her life, etc. Right now I am more concerned about what he is willing to do to fix things NOW than I am about what happened (not to say that isn't important). I basically have told him that I am not willing to move back in and fully reconcile until he can show me his willing to do some work for our marriage... All I've asked are simple things like: Come around my family again (he's yet to speak to them for months now), come back to Church, start marriage counseling, no initiating contact with the OW......Anytime I bring things up he normally just ends up arguing with me and making excuses for why he's not doing anything.

So, any advice? I desperately want our marriage to work and I do believe that my husband is a GOOD person. We have been together nearly 10 years and NEVER has anything like this happened. But I believe he is embarrassed for his actions and at the same time isn't really wanting to take any responsibility. If he admits how wrong is actions were then that makes him look bad. I can't be the one doing all the work to try and fix our marriage though. I need him to step up and do the right thing.

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post #2 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-10-2016, 12:03 PM
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Re: Husband is Making Little Effort

You're right: it's not worth going back unless he's going to improve. I'd tell him to come talk to you when he's serious; he's not serious, or what little he is willing to offer you is not even close to enough for you to re-commit. Then go dark on him, and re-build your life.

He is looking to see how little he needs to do to get you back. Very sad.

"If we hurt, we hurt others. If we love....guess what? Easy math, the basics, really. Add love, subtract anger, multiple kindness, divide suffering." Emergent Buddhist.
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post #3 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-10-2016, 12:20 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband is Making Little Effort

I agree... I tend to let people walk all over me. That is what I have done with my husband and I am trying really hard to really stand my ground right now. I think he'd like to have me back, but with minimal effort on his part.
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post #4 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-10-2016, 12:34 PM
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Re: Husband is Making Little Effort

i think you're exactly right: minimal effort! This is a very bad trait in a partner. He might be a nice guy overall, but he's lazy emotionally. You want someone who is willing to go all, who is willing to put in a full effort to make things work. He'd like to have you back, but only if it means you'll just go along with it.

You are worth more than that. He doesn't decide your worth: you do! Have divorce papers been filed yet?

"If we hurt, we hurt others. If we love....guess what? Easy math, the basics, really. Add love, subtract anger, multiple kindness, divide suffering." Emergent Buddhist.
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post #5 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-10-2016, 12:36 PM
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Re: Husband is Making Little Effort

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I agree... I tend to let people walk all over me. That is what I have done with my husband and I am trying really hard to really stand my ground right now. I think he'd like to have me back, but with minimal effort on his part.
Sorry your here but nice to see you're thinking straight. Stand your ground. I wouldn't move back in either. He's got some work to do. He needs to own this whole mess.

I also don't think you have the whole story. You only know what he's told you. Spouses in these situations only give you as much as they think they can get away with. Trickle truth.

Do you have access to his phone, email, FB? Is their total transparency?
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post #6 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-10-2016, 12:37 PM
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Re: Husband is Making Little Effort

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I can't be the one doing all the work to try and fix our marriage though. I need him to step up and do the right thing.
Do you ever notice how the betrayed spouse is usually the one to come to marriage forums and relationship sites to try to figure out how to fix things. Your husband had an inappropriate relationship with another woman, even if you are right that he didn't sleep with her. He should be the one doing his best to learn how to fix the mess he created. If he isn't doing much yet, he will never have incentive to do it in the future because he has learned that he can pull sh!t like this and still have you back fairly easily.
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post #7 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-10-2016, 05:06 PM Thread Starter
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I have not filed divorce papers... I was so devastated when I thought he was leaving me and when he finally came back around acting like he wanted to reconcile I made the mistake of jumping in too quick. I guess I just assumed he would do all the right things. Now it's been a couple of months and I see that he isn't really making much effort. It's just so hard for me to really stand up to him because I like to avoid confrontation... I'm really trying hard right now to back off from him and let him see that I'm serious about ending things if he doesn't wake up!
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post #8 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-10-2016, 06:27 PM
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Re: Husband is Making Little Effort

Cat, @Grogmeister is right. H has not told you the whole story. IMO there is zero chance he has not slept with OW. When he said Yes to divorce, he was planning to go with the OW. She may have backed out of leaving her husband, which is why your husband now says he wants to stay with you.

His lack of effort implies he is still in contact with OM and hoping she will eventually leave her husband. The best and probably only way to make him see that you are serious about ending things is to file for divorce. You can always withdraw the divorce petition later if you want.

He is not embarrassed. He should be remorseful but he is not. He is only ACTING that he wants to reconcile.
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post #9 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-10-2016, 08:24 PM
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Re: Husband is Making Little Effort

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Sorry your here but nice to see you're thinking straight. Stand your ground. I wouldn't move back in either. He's got some work to do. He needs to own this whole mess.

I also don't think you have the whole story. You only know what he's told you. Spouses in these situations only give you as much as they think they can get away with. Trickle truth.

Do you have access to his phone, email, FB? Is their total transparency?
Hi @Catcake86 ,,,,, you did'nt answer my questions ^^^^

Total transparency is two fold. One it shows he's serious abou R and, he has nothing to hide going forward. If he won't let you look at any of these things he's just playing you ,,,, sorry
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post #10 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-10-2016, 08:43 PM
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Re: Husband is Making Little Effort

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You're right: it's not worth going back unless he's going to improve. I'd tell him to come talk to you when he's serious; he's not serious, or what little he is willing to offer you is not even close to enough for you to re-commit. Then go dark on him, and re-build your life.

He is looking to see how little he needs to do to get you back. Very sad.
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post #11 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-10-2016, 09:00 PM
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Re: Husband is Making Little Effort

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I have not filed divorce papers... I was so devastated when I thought he was leaving me and when he finally came back around acting like he wanted to reconcile I made the mistake of jumping in too quick. I guess I just assumed he would do all the right things. Now it's been a couple of months and I see that he isn't really making much effort. It's just so hard for me to really stand up to him because I like to avoid confrontation... I'm really trying hard right now to back off from him and let him see that I'm serious about ending things if he doesn't wake up!
If you continue to avoid confrontation you can not be successful. With out confrontation you are settling for what ever he wants to give you.

Obviously you're not happy right now because he's skating on what needs to be done. What are you going to do / require from him to continue this marriage? Settling isn't going to do it.
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post #12 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-11-2016, 09:08 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Husband is Making Little Effort

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Hi @Catcake86 ,,,,, you did'nt answer my questions ^^^^

Total transparency is two fold. One it shows he's serious abou R and, he has nothing to hide going forward. If he won't let you look at any of these things he's just playing you ,,,, sorry
If I asked my husband to let me check his phone, e-mail, etc. he probably would, but he would get defensive and it would be an argument. I know, RED FLAG! He wants to make excuses for everything and act as though I'm overreacting...because after al they are "just friends". *rolling my eyes*

I've told my husband what I need from him in order for this to work for me. I've tried really hard this week to distance myself from him more and let him see that I'm not playing around... We'll see how that goes because I just don't think I can put myself back in a marriage where I don't feel respected.
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post #13 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-11-2016, 09:23 AM
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Re: Husband is Making Little Effort

It sure sounds like he wants to do the least amount of work to get you to R. settling for only what he wants to give doesn't sound like a recipie for success. He should be trying to meet you expectations for R.
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post #14 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-11-2016, 09:52 AM
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Re: Husband is Making Little Effort

Has he cut off contact with this OW? If he hasn't, that must happen. Also he needs to come clean about everything. None of this trickle truth crap. He's an adult, he needs to act like one and admit his faults and accept the consequences of his actions. Stand your ground and be firm with him. This is your life he is playing games with. Ask him how would he feel if he was in your shoes. Bet he would be reacting the way you are towards him. If he truly wants to reconcile, he needs to show you in every possible way. by the way you described his actions, I think he is afraid of being vulnerable and admitting to doing wrong (as most cheaters don't want to show this to their significant other)
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post #15 of 18 (permalink) Old 02-11-2016, 09:59 AM
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Re: Husband is Making Little Effort

By definition, the way someone acts while on their best behavior is the best it gets. If he is truly trying to win you back and this is all he can muster, what do you think his level of effort will be 6 months after he thinks he has you?
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