Husband is Making Little Effort
Hey everyone! My husband and I are currently in the process of trying to reconcile with each other after some problems that arose last fall. I'll try to give you a short breakdown of what happened...
My husband and I have been married for 4 years and we had what I thought to be a great marriage. There wasn't a lot of arguing, we took a lot of small trips doing things we enjoyed, we got along well with each other's families, etc. I will say that we didn't always communicate our feelings well though. So communication has been an issue.
Last October my husband came home one night from being out with a few friends and basically told me that he thought had been drinking some (which is something he NEVER did), thought we were too different, he wasn't in love with me anymore, when I asked him if he wanted a divorce he shook his head "yes"...I ended up moving out of the house and in with my parents who live just a few minutes down the road. This all came as an absolute shock to me as I thought we had a great marriage. I was devastated! Over the next couple months my husband was generally cold to me and wouldn't really talk about anything. I ended up finding out that he had went out of town a couple of times with a female "friend", had been texting her like crazy, had an inappropriate Facebook message with her. and had went out to eat with her several times. I knew he had went out to eat with her a few times, but I naïvely let it go on because I trusted him so much and he promised me that they were "just good friends." One of the out of town trips was a day trip to a baseball game and I know that my husbands nephew went as well. The other out of town trip was an overnight trip and he says that the OW's cousin went as well and that he did not stay in the same room as they did....
So a couple months passed and he started coming around to me again in the beginning of December. He basically said he was "coming clean" with everything (which he really didn't tell me anything I hadn't already found out). He said he didn't mean anything that he said about not being in love with me and that he couldn't imagine living life without me. He begged me to believe that he was "just friends" with the OW and the reason he had been so quiet the last couple months was because he couldn't bring himself to tell me all that he had done. He begged me to believe him that nothing physical had happened with the OW. It's hard to explain everything on here, but to make a long story short, I don't really believe that anything physical happened with the OW, but I do have strong feelings that an emotion affair was going on. Even though he would never admit it.
So basically the point that I am at right now is that I am willing to put myself back in the marriage with my husband, but I feel like he is doing very little to fix things. He will admit that what he did was wrong, but there's always a BUT. I don't think he really sees the severity of his actions and he want's to be defensive and make excuses for his actions... the OW is in a bad marriage, she is having health problems. she doesn't have many friends, she has a lot going on in her life, etc. Right now I am more concerned about what he is willing to do to fix things NOW than I am about what happened (not to say that isn't important). I basically have told him that I am not willing to move back in and fully reconcile until he can show me his willing to do some work for our marriage... All I've asked are simple things like: Come around my family again (he's yet to speak to them for months now), come back to Church, start marriage counseling, no initiating contact with the OW......Anytime I bring things up he normally just ends up arguing with me and making excuses for why he's not doing anything.
So, any advice? I desperately want our marriage to work and I do believe that my husband is a GOOD person. We have been together nearly 10 years and NEVER has anything like this happened. But I believe he is embarrassed for his actions and at the same time isn't really wanting to take any responsibility. If he admits how wrong is actions were then that makes him look bad. I can't be the one doing all the work to try and fix our marriage though. I need him to step up and do the right thing.