False Reconciliation without all the Facts - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #16 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-15-2016, 11:24 AM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

My thought is you can't R without all the facts. The amount of detail will be up to the individual.

I didn't get the answers I needed so I filed for D. I knew that I couldn't move forward without them and she seemed to want to take some of her secrets to her grave. Unfortunately, these were the ones that I needed answered. Apparently XWW thought me divorcing her was easier then having to tell me the truth. All I can think is that it must have been some nasty stuff.

If I had decided to continue to R, eventually I would have to forgive her. Without knowing the extent of her cheating and lies, I could not.

Like you said...you need all the facts to make an informed decision. I don't know why anyone would stick around and attempt to R without all the facts. A new beginning needs to start with openness and honesty. Without that, nothing has changed.


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post #17 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-15-2016, 01:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

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Originally Posted by lexis View Post
If you decided to file for divorce then it doesn't matter what she thinks anymore.
If you have kids together then it always matters what she thinks/believes.

The success of marriage comes not in finding the “right” person, but in the ability of both partners to adjust to the real person they inevitably realize they married - John Fischer
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post #18 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-15-2016, 01:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

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I think the BS needs what s/he considers all of the pertinent information in order to make an informed decision. What is pertinent is different for everybody. Some people want all the details. Some only want to know the bare minimum.
My W and I are way different on what pertinent information was required/requested. I wanted nearly everything, while she was satisfied with general information.

The success of marriage comes not in finding the “right” person, but in the ability of both partners to adjust to the real person they inevitably realize they married - John Fischer
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post #19 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-18-2016, 10:58 AM Thread Starter
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Smarter people than I have suggested making a list of all questions that you need answers to, prior to even considering a R. Then set a reasonable time line for completion of the Q&A sessions, with additional time for follow up and/or clarifications.
I wish I would have done this the first time (in 2006).
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post #20 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-20-2016, 09:35 AM Thread Starter
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My W and I are way different on what pertinent information was required/requested. I wanted nearly everything, while she was satisfied with general information.
She's the one who cheated, right?

It's not up to her what information is provided.

Not if she expects you to stick around.
We both had post-separation relationships.

Last edited by MAJDEATH; 03-03-2016 at 12:33 PM.
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post #21 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-22-2016, 01:14 AM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

I'm pretty sure I don't have all the facts/details. I'm pretty sure he withholds info because he thinks it will hurt me more. And it probably would. He has only admitted to what he knows I know (I'm a really good sleuth though). R has been going on for a little over 3 years. We backslid a few times over some very questionable behaviors. I decided to leave it alone for a while and stop micromanaging. He's gonna do what he's gonna do. I haven't had the balls to leave yet, and honestly don't know if I will.

True reconciliation can't happen unless complete transparency is there. Unless the betrayed doesn't want the transparency. If they are willing to overlook it, I suppose it is within the realm of possibility.
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post #22 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-22-2016, 05:58 AM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

I didn't get much info. I knew who AP was and he got repercussions.
Kids, Business, family... all so intertwined.
I was on the fence for a few years.
She doesn't have to tell me everything.
I have a vivid imagination and believe what i imagine is what happened. (vomit emoji)

I took my revenge. Bulked up my masculinity and moved forward in my life, which she is still part of.
Total trust? no. but i learned that you really cant trust anyone 100%.

Her own family has recently betrayed her so she is getting a taste now of what it feels like.
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post #23 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-22-2016, 03:45 PM Thread Starter
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I talked to my W about this last night. She is adamant that based on what she has studied/analyzed/learned, the WS should never provide details of the A, that it cannot help and will only hurt the chances of a successful R. She regrets that she ever told me.
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post #24 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-22-2016, 04:27 PM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

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I talked to my W about this last night. She is adamant that based on what she has studied/analyzed/learned, the WS should never provide details of the A, that it cannot help and will only hurt the chances of a successful R. She regrets that she ever told me.
You're wife has shown herself a tremendous fool on far more than one occasion.

I would never take advice from her about infidelity or marriage.
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post #25 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-22-2016, 04:49 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by MAJDEATH View Post
I talked to my W about this last night. She is adamant that based on what she has studied/analyzed/learned, the WS should never provide details of the A, that it cannot help and will only hurt the chances of a successful R. She regrets that she ever told me.
You're wife has shown herself a tremendous fool on far more than one occasion.

I would never take advice from her about infidelity or marriage.
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I disagree with her on this issue. I understand that the level of facts/details required may be different for each person, but there should be a basic level of admitting to infidelity, demonstrating remorse, providing a genuine apology, agreeing to write a mutual no-contact letter, etc.
My point being-how can you write a no-contact letter for the BS to approve before sending, without admitting to and naming an AP?

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post #26 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-22-2016, 05:14 PM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

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I disagree with her on this issue. I understand that the level of facts/details required may be different for each person, but there should be a basic level of admitting to infidelity, demonstrating remorse, providing a genuine apology, agreeing to write a mutual no-contact letter, etc.
My point being-how can you write a no-contact letter for the BS to approve before sending, without admitting to and naming an AP?
Well you can't. Your wife is still trying to rationalize things from a cheaters mindset. Selfish.
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post #27 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-23-2016, 01:20 AM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

To Decimated, thanks for simply telling it like it is. I am a BW and my WH thought it is ridiculous of me to know everything before we reconcile. I told him to come clean if he wants us to start over again. But, in his words, he can't tell me everything to save me from the pain. I am not looking for that R anytime soon.

Last edited by memorylanee12ln; 02-23-2016 at 01:42 AM.
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post #28 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-23-2016, 01:33 AM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

To Decimated, thanks for simply telling it like it is. I am a BW and my WH thought it is ridiculous of me to know everything before we reconcile. I told him to come clean if he wants us to start over again. But, in his words, he can't tell me everything to save me from the pain. I am not looking for an R anytime soon.

Last edited by memorylanee12ln; 02-23-2016 at 01:43 AM.
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post #29 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-23-2016, 05:23 AM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

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Originally Posted by DoneWithHurting View Post
I didn't get much info. I knew who AP was and he got repercussions.
Kids, Business, family... all so intertwined.
I was on the fence for a few years.
She doesn't have to tell me everything.
I have a vivid imagination and believe what i imagine is what happened. (vomit emoji)

I took my revenge. Bulked up my masculinity and moved forward in my life, which she is still part of.
Total trust? no. but i learned that you really cant trust anyone 100%.

Her own family has recently betrayed her so she is getting a taste now of what it feels like.
You apparently got what you wanted. If you wanted all the information, she needed to supply it.
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post #30 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-24-2016, 04:35 PM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

MAJDEATH,

You wrote, I talked to my W about this last night. She is adamant that based on what she has studied/analyzed/learned, the WS should never provide details of the A, that it cannot help and will only hurt the chances of a successful R. She regrets that she ever told me.

From what I believe I understand about your recovery, you would have gotten a divorce had there not been relatively full disclosure. So does your wife feel that Given the choice of divorce or disclosure, she would choose divorce.

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