False Reconciliation without all the Facts - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #46 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-29-2016, 02:38 PM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

To me, the ultimate goal of disclosure is to allow the betrayed spouse to live in the truth of their life. It is respectful. The ultimate goal is NOT reconciliation. Sure, a cheating spouse can want reconciliation. the betrayed spouse can want that too.

But without the truth? True reconciliation, a partnership of equals is impossible.

I know this from hard personal experience. My ex-wife dodged the truth, misleading me, refusing to name the jerk she cheated with, insisting it was a one-time thing. Minimizing all the time, even as she kind of apologized.

in reality? it took me 8 more years to finally stop the charade by lying to hre, bluffing that i knew who it was and how long it was happening, but i wanted it out of her own mouth or we divorce.

She bought the bluff and named him and admitted to many years of cheating. I was floored, i was sure it was a matter of weeks or a month or two tops. It took me several more years to divorce her (unemployment and son's health and flat out shock on my part slowed me down a lot).

Could we have reconciled with the truth at an earlier time? Possibly, but she was trying to convince me it was long over when she was still cheating.

She was using me economically and for reputation. Since our divorce I have remarried and have a wonderful wife now. The ex is still living down the loss of her reputation as a "good" woman. She isn't one, but wants to be seen as one. so she has run away to an area where she can be a "crystal healer" and nobody knows her true life story.

She doesn't need alimony but the courts gave it to her anyway so she spends it on trips to Brazil or whatnot attending new age crap.

I grumble about the economic unfairness of the support for an evil person. But I have not had to run away to hide from the truth. I live it every day. And that started with knowing the name of the guy and the severity of the offence.

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post #47 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-29-2016, 02:54 PM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

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Or do what happens to some -- have it come out months or years later, and then have to go through it all over again.
That's a difficult part to deal with. For example, in my case, she cheated during the early part of our relationship (first four months) with a guy that she clearly liked more than me at the time. She told me that she would only date me if I agreed to try to have kids if we got married as we were both early 40s.

One year after we reconciled, I found out the the OM had had a vasectomy before she ever met him and she knew it. The news was another gut punch, but not much for me to say about it. I already knew by that time that she had stopped dating him because he was not interested in a real relationship with her.

I decided after that that I will make the best of our relationship and enjoy it as much as possible, but the only way to avoid dealing with it internally everyday is to someday end the relationship.
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post #48 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-29-2016, 02:56 PM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

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That's a difficult part to deal with. For example, in my case, she cheated during the early part of our relationship (first four months) with a guy that she clearly liked more than me at the time. She told me that she would only date me if I agreed to try to have kids if we got married as we were both early 40s.

One year after we reconciled, I found out the the OM had had a vasectomy before she ever met him and she knew it. The news was another gut punch, but not much for me to say about it. I already knew by that time that she had stopped dating him because he was not interested in a real relationship with her.

I decided after that that I will make the best of our relationship and enjoy it as much as possible, but the only way to avoid dealing with it internally everyday is to someday end the relationship.
No time like the present.
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post #49 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-29-2016, 02:58 PM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

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Then you should leave her and not look back.
D-day was over two years ago. We have since married so I only have myself to blame. I must say that after D-day, she has been 100% transparent and a nice, warm and stable wife.
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post #50 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-29-2016, 03:03 PM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

Bull****.

If she were transparent she'd tell you the truth without hesitation.

If she were a nice warm stable wife, it wouldn't have happened to begin with.

The time you're wasting is your own.

You get one life.
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post #51 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-29-2016, 03:24 PM Thread Starter
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Are you honestly suggesting that a spouse should lie for the good of a marriage? What do you think will happen if (and it has been shown it is much more likely to be when) the BS discovers the truth. What kind of marriage do you think will be the result then? Would it not be better and healthier to trust your spouse with the truth?
I would wait 3x the length of the A, before even beginning to go down that road toward R. The WS needs time to demonstrate their commitment towards honest recovery, and they must pay a penenance for their wicked ways. 6 month affair, 18 months before even attempting R, assuming they will even entertain that notion.
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post #52 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-29-2016, 03:27 PM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

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I would wait 3x the length of the A, before even beginning to go down that road toward R. The WS needs time to demonstrate their commitment towards honest recovery, and they must pay a penenance for their wicked ways. 6 month affair, 18 months before even attempting R, assuming they will even entertain that notion.
That makes zero sense.
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post #53 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-29-2016, 03:28 PM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

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No-one can have all the facts. But you can have enough facts.

For some it's knowing when, how, and what kind of sex they had while cheating. In minute details. For others, it's just knowing that they had sex. Or not. Everybody has their own amount of detail that will suffice.

Saying it wasn't physical when it was, or lying about any of it when asked... Or saying that they won't tell you...

All takes reconciliation off the table. Don't ask a betrayed spouse to do all the work to reconcile after your affair, and then not give them the facts. Or do what happens to some -- have it come out months or years later, and then have to go through it all over again.
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Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #54 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-29-2016, 03:30 PM Thread Starter
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I was so young and naive, I didn't even know what questions to ask before considering R. That fault kept me from following thru with D before my W could demonstrate genuine remorse.
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post #55 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-29-2016, 03:35 PM Thread Starter
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I would wait 3x the length of the A, before even beginning to go down that road toward R. The WS needs time to demonstrate their commitment towards honest recovery, and they must pay a penenance for their wicked ways. 6 month affair, 18 months before even attempting R, assuming they will even entertain that notion.
That makes zero sense.
The WS needs to work on themselves during that time, what's not to understand? Fully end the A, get into IC/MC, do some soul searching to get at the root problems, etc. This takes time.

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post #56 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-29-2016, 03:44 PM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

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The WS needs to work on themselves during that time, what's not to understand? Fully end the A, get into IC/MC, do some soul searching to get at the root problems, etc. This takes time.
Waiting 18 months to begin a reconciliation so the wayward can pay penance?

The time they're wasting isn't their own to waste.

Reconciliation can begin the day that everybody lays the facts on the table and after that, deciding that they want to try.
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post #57 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-29-2016, 04:13 PM Thread Starter
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The WS needs to work on themselves during that time, what's not to understand? Fully end the A, get into IC/MC, do some soul searching to get at the root problems, etc. This takes time.
Waiting 18 months to begin a reconciliation so the wayward can pay penance?

The time they're wasting isn't their own to waste.

Reconciliation can begin the day that everybody lays the facts on the table and after that, deciding that they want to try.
Most often, negative behaviors by both parties have happening for years in a marriage before a spouse will begin to be open up to the possibility of having an affair. That dynamic cannot be fixed quickly, just by relaying the facts of the affair. The underlying issues that led to the affair must be addressed first, prior to any R attempts. This takes time and effort.
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post #58 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-29-2016, 04:16 PM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

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Most often, negative behaviors by both parties have happening for years in a marriage before a spouse will begin to be open up to the possibility of having an affair. That dynamic cannot be fixed quickly, just by relaying the facts of the affair. The underlying issues that led to the affair must be addressed first, prior to any R attempts. This takes time and effort.
I agree with that, I just can't connect it to spending months/years as penance.

What happens to the betrayed spouse? Do they sit around wasting their life just to see if the cheater really means that they've realized the error of their ways?

Man, there's no way I'd wait around 18 months 'just to see' after my wife cheated on me. She either sees the error of her ways right away, and I believe she's going to try... Or I don't.

It doesn't mean that you aren't watchful, or cautious, or need them to prove themselves.

I guess I would just need for us both to be all in, or all out.
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post #59 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-29-2016, 05:15 PM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

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I agree with that, I just can't connect it to spending months/years as penance.

What happens to the betrayed spouse? Do they sit around wasting their life just to see if the cheater really means that they've realized the error of their ways?

Man, there's no way I'd wait around 18 months 'just to see' after my wife cheated on me. She either sees the error of her ways right away, and I believe she's going to try... Or I don't.

It doesn't mean that you aren't watchful, or cautious, or need them to prove themselves.

I guess I would just need for us both to be all in, or all out.
My wife and I had a 3 year separation. Some of it was really nice. Getting to date her again and have regular hot sex was something to look forward to every other day.

I wouldn't have waited without the physical aspect of our relationship being sustained.
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post #60 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-29-2016, 06:02 PM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

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5 other couples (dealing with infidelity) within our extended family.
Either you've got a HUGE extended family, or you've got a disproportionate amount of cheating. Makes me wonder if there's a genetic component to it.
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