False Reconciliation without all the Facts - Page 6 - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #76 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-01-2016, 11:59 AM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

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It is only real if you know about it. I did things while I was deployed overseas in the military that my W will never know about. But if I walk into a room full of soldiers (and a few of them knew of me from my time overseas) and without saying a word, they are super respectful (bordering on scared sh_tl ess) because they know the real me, and what I am capable of. Other soldiers are nonchalant around me.
Unfortunately, just because you don't know about it it is still real and has an affect.

Even taking your example (which I understand very well)...it doesn't work. The things we do...do things to us. These experiences change us and our view of the world and those around us. The experiences of a WS and a BS change them and their view of themselves and each other...It's through this changed perception that they now have to relate to one another. Without the truth -it's nearly impossible to rectify these new lives.

I believe you know that. But the truth has an ability to both help and give insight while hurting and shattering our understanding...


Holes burn deep in your chest,
Raked by machine gun fire.
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Living mandatory suicide.
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post #77 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-01-2016, 12:51 PM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

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If you start off with an Affair confession, the BS will never see past it, to address the underlying problems. The mind movies and speculation are a killer to R. It's addressing a symptom of the relationship, not the problems in the relationship. I guess if your goal is to never try to R and you want a quick D, then follow Marduk's method and lead with a full confession with details. If R is your intent, follow my recommended path. Do you want to save your marriage or not?
If you're having an affair, it's not your initial decision to reconcile or not.

Let me repeat this:
If you're the one having an affair, it's not your initial decision to reconcile or not.

It's the betrayed spouse's initial decision. Why? Because at the end of the day, the betraying spouse deceived the betrayed spouse with the express result to take away their ability to make a full and complete decision about their future.

Then the affair partner gets to decide if they want to reconcile.

Because it's fraud, pure and simple.

The game you're playing is simply this: I get to commit marital fraud by pretending to have fidelity when I don't, and then take away your ability to make decisions about their own future so I can simultaneously reap the rewards of being married and being single, while taking that abilility away from you, and then not deal with the consequence of that because you might leave me.

In other words, the person lies to get what they want while still reaping the rewards of pretending they didn't. And your position is to maintain that.

Your stance has zero ethical grounding.

I seriously question your thinking and hope that you reconsider it.
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post #78 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-01-2016, 02:21 PM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

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It is only real if you know about it.
Are you suggesting that an affair is not real if it's kept from the betrayed spouse?

Sounds like you're burying your head in the sand. "If I don't see it, then it's not there!".

It's real. Even if you don't know about it. It affects the way she is with you, it affects your entire relationship, and as one example I can think of, if you catch an STD from her, you'll suffer real pain and consequences and health issues from it, even if you never know where you got it from.
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post #79 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-01-2016, 06:08 PM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

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It is only real if you know about it. I did things while I was deployed overseas in the military that my W will never know about. But if I walk into a room full of soldiers (and a few of them knew of me from my time overseas) and without saying a word, they are super respectful (bordering on scared sh_tl ess) because they know the real me, and what I am capable of. Other soldiers are nonchalant around me.
I finally understand now.

You're better than everyone else.
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post #80 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-02-2016, 04:31 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MAJDEATH View Post
It is only real if you know about it. I did things while I was deployed overseas in the military that my W will never know about. But if I walk into a room full of soldiers (and a few of them knew of me from my time overseas) and without saying a word, they are super respectful (bordering on scared sh_tl ess) because they know the real me, and what I am capable of. Other soldiers are nonchalant around me.
I finally understand now.

You're better than everyone else.
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Better than some, worse than others.

I guess the main question is: would you be more upset about the betrayal of an affair, or the betrayal of not telling you about an affair?
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post #81 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-02-2016, 05:01 PM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

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Better than some, worse than others.

I guess the main question is: would you be more upset about the betrayal of an affair, or the betrayal of not telling you about an affair?
I'm actually genuinely more upset that there's people like you running around who think they get to define reality for other humans.
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post #82 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-02-2016, 05:07 PM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

All I know is I have a radically different philosophy and a way better marital track record.

I do appreciate your service to our country.

I have a lot of close friends and relatives that are veterans.
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post #83 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-02-2016, 05:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

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I'm actually genuinely more upset that there's people like you running around who think they get to define reality for other humans.
The question wasn't directed at you Marduk, but this one is: How many times have you been divorced (is that real enough for your standards)?

The success of marriage comes not in finding the “right” person, but in the ability of both partners to adjust to the real person they inevitably realize they married - John Fischer
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post #84 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-02-2016, 08:14 PM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

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The question wasn't directed at you Marduk, but this one is: How many times have you been divorced (is that real enough for your standards)?
Once.
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post #85 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-02-2016, 10:43 PM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

I can't imagine wasting this much of my life on a cheater. At the end of the day, if you were cheated on, and feel that your WS hasn't fully come clean...leave. If you were cheated on, and can't get past it...leave. To stay with someone, and torment yourself every single day over the affair, is just no way to live. This is why it's a deal breaker for many (for me)...I would never trust the guy again, nor feel the same about the relationship. I could forgive, but it'd be over. To each their own, but to let an affair rob you of your own life and happiness seems like such a shame.

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post #86 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-02-2016, 10:51 PM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

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Last night MAJDEATH finally had enough of his doubts and he confronted his wife and said "I want the truth, are you having another affair?"

She started to reply but he couldn't hear what she was saying so he then said "Take that guys D!ck out of your mouth I can't understand what you're saying."
lol you're silly
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post #87 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-02-2016, 10:55 PM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

Thirty-three threads...

Why do you continue to torment yourself with this??
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post #88 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-02-2016, 11:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

"The power to question is the basis of all human progress" - Indira Gandhi

The success of marriage comes not in finding the “right” person, but in the ability of both partners to adjust to the real person they inevitably realize they married - John Fischer
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post #89 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-02-2016, 11:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

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"The power to suck a lot of penis is the basis of my progress"

-MAJDEATH's wife
Goodbye, you'll be banned again! I wonder what username you'll use next time? Bandit? Bandwagon?

The success of marriage comes not in finding the “right” person, but in the ability of both partners to adjust to the real person they inevitably realize they married - John Fischer
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post #90 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 07:46 AM Thread Starter
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

Everybody is an tough guy....behind a keyboard. E-thugs of the world unite!

The success of marriage comes not in finding the “right” person, but in the ability of both partners to adjust to the real person they inevitably realize they married - John Fischer
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