False Reconciliation without all the Facts - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
Reconciliation This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully.

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post #91 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 11:34 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
I can't imagine wasting this much of my life on a cheater. At the end of the day, if you were cheated on, and feel that your WS hasn't fully come clean...leave. If you were cheated on, and can't get past it...leave. To stay with someone, and torment yourself every single day over the affair, is just no way to live. This is why it's a deal breaker for many (for me)...I would never trust the guy again, nor feel the same about the relationship. I could forgive, but it'd be over. To each their own, but to let an affair rob you of your own life and happiness seems like such a shame.
She won't be cheating, and I won't be leaving this relationship. Previously, we had post-separation relationships while we were "virtually divorced".

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post #92 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 11:37 AM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

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Everybody is an tough guy....behind a keyboard. E-thugs of the world unite!
You're the one claiming to be a badass.
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post #93 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 12:16 PM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

@MAJDEATH:

Are you seriously in the Army?

Some of the drivel that comes out of your mouth really paints a poor picture of those of us who either are or have been in uniform.

Tighten up your damn shot group.

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"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #94 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-03-2016, 01:02 PM Thread Starter
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@MAJDEATH:

Are you seriously in the Army?

Some of the drivel that comes out of your mouth really paints a poor picture of those of us who either are or have been in uniform.

Tighten up your damn shot group.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk
If you have been in the military, then you know that some things that soldiers do at the tactical level (the hammer) are never shared with senior leadership, because they don't want to know the how, just the results (plausible deniability).
And I always qualify 40/40 in BRM.

Last edited by MAJDEATH; 03-05-2016 at 12:24 PM.
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post #95 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-05-2016, 12:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

I edited this after some afterthought:

I started this thread to discuss the issue of coming clean about an affair before R can be attempted. And based on the opinions posted, I tend to agree that the repair of the marital relationship must be grounded in honesty. But you should never do or say anything to intentionally hurt your spouse, especially just for selfish reasons to "clear your conscious". So, a basic admission of "I was disrespectful and was not a good spouse to you" should suffice, in addition to ending the affair, becoming transparent, expressing remorse, apologizing, etc.

The success of marriage comes not in finding the “right” person, but in the ability of both partners to adjust to the real person they inevitably realize they married - John Fischer

Last edited by MAJDEATH; 03-06-2016 at 05:41 PM.
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post #96 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-05-2016, 12:36 PM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

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Everybody is an tough guy....behind a keyboard. E-thugs of the world unite!
I'm far worse in person.

If you ever want a good workout and a beer later, pm me.

I often have opportunities to travel.

A few rounds in the ring are well worth a few thousand words and good for the soul, I'm convinced.
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post #97 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-06-2016, 02:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

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I'm far worse in person.

If you ever want a good workout and a beer later, pm me.

I often have opportunities to travel.

A few rounds in the ring are well worth a few thousand words and good for the soul, I'm convinced.
Posted via Mobile Device
I appreciate the offer, but I don't think the board of directors would allow the risk of me "working out" with you in the ring.

The success of marriage comes not in finding the “right” person, but in the ability of both partners to adjust to the real person they inevitably realize they married - John Fischer
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post #98 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-06-2016, 05:08 PM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

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She won't be cheating, and I won't be leaving this relationship. Previously, we had post-separation relationships while we were "virtually divorced".
I don't mean to be confused, just trying to gain clarity - so, there were no affairs? But, you refer to affairs in your posts. If you both had relationships during a time when you were seeking to divorce, then that is different than 'cheating.'

Either way, you seem to love your wife, and I hope you find peace about everything.
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post #99 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-06-2016, 07:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

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Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
I don't mean to be confused, just trying to gain clarity - so, there were no affairs? But, you refer to affairs in your posts. If you both had relationships during a time when you were seeking to divorce, then that is different than 'cheating.'

Either way, you seem to love your wife, and I hope you find peace about everything.
Thanks Deidre for the kind and understanding words. It is a long and complicated story, but basically we were borderline divorced and she was seeing someone else when 9/11 hit and I left to fight the wars for several years. We argued because she did not want me to go: patriotism is great until you have to live without a husband. She said if I choose to go she couldn't say whether she would be there when I got back. I told her she could do whatever she wanted but I was going, and apparently she did.
So I understand some of the similar dynamics of infidelity, but we were separated pending D most of those years. However, during some of those "dark" times when I was back briefly I think she redefined monogamy to mean one guy at a time, and just last year I was made aware of 99% of what really went down then, including some additional players in the game.
I try to use the word "relationships" instead of "affairs" because I think it is more accurate, in our situation.

The success of marriage comes not in finding the “right” person, but in the ability of both partners to adjust to the real person they inevitably realize they married - John Fischer
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post #100 of 100 (permalink) Old 03-06-2016, 09:19 PM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

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Originally Posted by MAJDEATH View Post
Thanks Deidre for the kind and understanding words. It is a long and complicated story, but basically we were borderline divorced and she was seeing someone else when 9/11 hit and I left to fight the wars for several years. We argued because she did not want me to go: patriotism is great until you have to live without a husband. She said if I choose to go she couldn't say whether she would be there when I got back. I told her she could do whatever she wanted but I was going, and apparently she did.
So I understand some of the similar dynamics of infidelity, but we were separated pending D most of those years. However, during some of those "dark" times when I was back briefly I think she redefined monogamy to mean one guy at a time, and just last year I was made aware of 99% of what really went down then, including some additional players in the game.
I try to use the word "relationships" instead of "affairs" because I think it is more accurate, in our situation.
I see, now it makes more sense. Well, hopefully those dark years are behind you both, and your marriage will be purely one another, now.

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