False Reconciliation without all the Facts - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-11-2016, 02:26 PM Thread Starter
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False Reconciliation without all the Facts

Can you truly and completely R without all the pertinent facts, so you can make an informed decision? I get the impression that it is common for a FWS to leave out lots of relationship info with their AP. And how would you know for sure that you had it all, short of a lie detector test? In my case, I wouldn't have even thought to add questions about things I had no clue about, like multiple OM, activities in the house, substance abuse, not using protection, etc.


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post #2 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-11-2016, 04:10 PM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

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Can you truly and completely R without all the pertinent facts, so you can make an informed decision? I get the impression that it is common for a FWS to leave out lots of relationship info with their APs. And how would you know for sure that you had it all, short of a lie detector test? In my case, I wouldn't have even thought to add questions about things I had no clue about, like other APs, activities in the house, substance abuse, not using protection, etc.
Nope.
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post #3 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-11-2016, 04:17 PM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

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Nope.
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post #4 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-11-2016, 05:00 PM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

Majdeath,

You can recover without all the trivial facts, if your spouse is willing to tell you them as they recall them, for example if you are about to go into a restaurant where WW dined with OM she needs to let you know.

The major facts being concealed would prevent complete recovery, including but not exhaustive,

* people who knew or aided the affair.

* sexual details if they were asked for

* how much money was spent on the affair.

* the length of the affair

* number of affair partners

* identity of the affair partner

Frankly in your case the polygraph is called for just so you can move forward, I think you will get a few parking lot confessions. Although it will not be everything, it will relieve your W of the details which still weigh heavily on her conscience.

Tamat
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post #5 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-11-2016, 07:34 PM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

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Nope.
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Ditto.
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post #6 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-12-2016, 04:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

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Majdeath,

You can recover without all the trivial facts, if your spouse is willing to tell you them as they recall them, for example if you are about to go into a restaurant where WW dined with OM she needs to let you know.

The major facts being concealed would prevent complete recovery, including but not exhaustive,

* people who knew or aided the affair.

* sexual details if they were asked for

* how much money was spent on the affair.

* the length of the affair

* number of affair partners

* identity of the affair partner

Frankly in your case the polygraph is called for just so you can move forward, I think you will get a few parking lot confessions. Although it will not be everything, it will relieve your W of the details which still weigh heavily on her conscience.

Tamat
Without knowing for sure, I believe I have received all of the basic A information you have on your list. There may be a few people who knew or aided that have moved out of the area. And amazingly, many of the bars/restaurants that they frequented have been torn down or changed into a different business altogether. Perhaps some divine intervention?
I drove past the old house the other day and when I got home, I asked the W how she feels about seeing it, because now I have mixed emotions: partly positive for all of the good times and fun when my family was young, and negative knowing all of the AP activities that went down in there while I was gone. She says she feels the same way now that I do, which was both surprising but appreciated because before she always spoke so fondly of the old house.

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post #7 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-13-2016, 02:15 PM Thread Starter
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Now that I have all (or most) of the facts surrounding the relationships with the OM, should she be surprised if I decide that filing for D is the correct next step for me?
Of course she would internalize this and believe that she should not have told me about all of the OM and the details of each, instead of blaming herself for the immense extent of her infidelity.

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post #8 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-13-2016, 02:29 PM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

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Now that I have all (or most) of the facts surrounding the relationships with her APs, should she be surprised if I decide that filing for D is the correct next step for me?
Of course she would internalize this and believe that she should not have told me about all of the APs and the details of each, instead of blaming herself for the immense extent of her infidelity.
If that is her attitude then she is unchanged, unremorseful and has wasted an opportunity to become a better person while you gave her more than a second chance.
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post #9 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-13-2016, 02:29 PM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

Ya one needs all the fact...everything....and you know it's all out there and the complete truth has been laid out cuz the crap the wayward is telling you is so painful and so horribly graphic that telling the betrayed is a risk the wayward knows will break them and face the consequences of losing their marriage by owning the shame in telling their betrayed spouse everything.

BTW...Feb. 12th dday +6yrs....today I can't think of any better reason to pull my old ladies panties down and spank her!
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post #10 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-13-2016, 02:37 PM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

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Now that I have all (or most) of the facts surrounding the relationships with her APs, should she be surprised if I decide that filing for D is the correct next step for me?
Of course she would internalize this and believe that she should not have told me about all of the APs and the details of each, instead of blaming herself for the immense extent of her infidelity.
If you decided to file for divorce then it doesn't matter what she thinks anymore.

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post #11 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-13-2016, 03:02 PM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

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Majdeath,

You can recover without all the trivial facts, if your spouse is willing to tell you them as they recall them, for example if you are about to go into a restaurant where WW dined with OM she needs to let you know.

The major facts being concealed would prevent complete recovery, including but not exhaustive,

* people who knew or aided the affair.

* sexual details if they were asked for

* how much money was spent on the affair.

* the length of the affair

* number of affair partners

* identity of the affair partner

Frankly in your case the polygraph is called for just so you can move forward, I think you will get a few parking lot confessions. Although it will not be everything, it will relieve your W of the details which still weigh heavily on her conscience.

Tamat
That's it in a nut shell.
Some folk here are so in the dark ...hell they may never know the full extent of their wayward's affair.

From were I'm sitting,me and OP know a hell of a lot more about our old ladies A's then some betrayed here at TAM....IDK if thats a good thing or a bad thing.
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post #12 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-13-2016, 03:37 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by TAMAT View Post
Majdeath,

You can recover without all the trivial facts, if your spouse is willing to tell you them as they recall them, for example if you are about to go into a restaurant where WW dined with OM she needs to let you know.

The major facts being concealed would prevent complete recovery, including but not exhaustive,

* people who knew or aided the affair.

* sexual details if they were asked for

* how much money was spent on the affair.

* the length of the affair

* number of affair partners

* identity of the affair partner

Frankly in your case the polygraph is called for just so you can move forward, I think you will get a few parking lot confessions. Although it will not be everything, it will relieve your W of the details which still weigh heavily on her conscience.

Tamat
That's it in a nut shell.
Some folk here are so in the dark ...hell they may never know the full extent of their wayward's affair.

From were I'm sitting,me and OP know a hell of a lot more about our old ladies A's then some betrayed here at TAM....IDK if thats a good thing or a bad thing.
I may have more information about my W's relationships than 99% of all BS. I am very analytical and asked lots of both initial and follow-up questions. I recorded notes and log books, with histories and timelines running concurrent to where I was and my activities. I then compared my case studies to interviews with others to remove incorrect dates/places/facts based on faulty memory or other legitimate reasons.
I think for her it was cathartic to finally get it off her chest, but for me it might make a good nonfiction novel on advice for betrayed husbands.

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post #13 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-13-2016, 04:49 PM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

Thats the thing...your case study consists of one experience and one variable ...your old lady!

I'm thinking one could make a nonfictional novel about TAM's CWI section and make some money. LOL

This infidelity bullshyt has so many variables that a newbie comes here and really has sift through the replies to figure out what will work for them.

One thing is for sure....d-day is a gut tearing experience that all us betrayed have felt!
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post #14 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-13-2016, 05:17 PM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

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Originally Posted by MAJDEATH View Post
Can you truly and completely R without all the pertinent facts, so you can make an informed decision? I get the impression that it is common for a FWS to leave out lots of relationship info with their APs. And how would you know for sure that you had it all, short of a lie detector test? In my case, I wouldn't have even thought to add questions about things I had no clue about, like other APs, activities in the house, substance abuse, not using protection, etc.
I think the BS needs what s/he considers all of the pertinent information in order to make an informed decision. What is pertinent is different for everybody. Some people want all the details. Some only want to know the bare minimum.
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post #15 of 100 (permalink) Old 02-13-2016, 05:18 PM
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Re: False Reconciliation without all the Facts

I'm curious to hear from folks that are still in the dark but their wayward spouse has made the changes.

I mean my old lady changed her way of life...but if i didn't hear the timeline, who they were, were they did it, and what they did...it would not matter how submissive she was to save the marriage....I'd bail.
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